Feeling overwhelmed

[BeenThereDoneThat]

^^^^^ SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I know this won't help in your situation, Eisa, since your (hopefully) future roomie already has a cat and it's fluffy. But my stepdaughter also is allergic to cats, which made her pretty miserable in our home when she was growing up - I have a cat who has short hair but sheds a lot, and my SD moved in with us later; she did take meds for all kinds of allergies. Now she's married and her husband is a cat lover...so they went looking for a breed that is very easy on the allergies, and found Bengals. They now have two, a female who is over a year old and a male who is still a kitten but growing fast. They're really cute and SD tolerates them very well.

[Der Cute]

Anyway. Potentially exciting/happy news. I have a friend who is moving to Wisconsin within the next several months. Said friend would like me to be her roommate AND is more than willing to help me find a job in that area. And she has a fluffy cat! Ok, that shouldn't be a selling point since I'm deathly allergic, but I love cats. So if that actually works, it is amazingly awesome, because then I wouldn't be completely adrift in a new state.

And regardless, I contacted a place here about how to gtfo from my family, so maybe at least no more emotional scars will be inflicted any time soon. 'Twould be nice.

Woo! Making progress I see. 1. Looking for another place to stay, possibly getting out. 2. Asserting yourself to gtfo.

I will say this: you love cats. It is self-defeating to put yourself near cats. Blunt: go and love them, but you're stupid to be next to them.
My prediction: you will move to your friend's place with the kitty. You will gradually be more and more stuffed up. You will be more and more frustrated about the stuffed up nose, and either try to get her to give the cat away or find yourself another place. And "find new place" will spin into an anxiety circle. I am being realistic here.
I love cats. Like obsessed love. But the income I have is no way able to support a kitty. Even if it's only 8 bux every 6 weeks for cat litter, and 10 bux every 2 months for cat food. Nope, I just cannot do. And if I did, I'd be putting that cat through a bad life, and frustrate myself "oh self that was dumb self you need to fix it for kitty, self shut up, you need to be responsible stop bitching"

That's my OPINION.

Ok. I am VERY impressed you are finding a way (locally) to get out. This means, to me, you've assessed this situation, found/realized exactly what's bad/good about it, and made a critical decision in this situation. And PLUS, you're making effort by yourself to search out help. (remember you were glued to your bed and isolating yourself? Not here!) Many times people who are depressed and just..feeling dark...don't take care of themselves. This is one of those self-care spots. You are doing it!!!!!!
Please be reasonable with yourself and don't put allll your hope eggs into the GTFO assistance basket. Bureaucracy takes time. I suggest putting a stop day/week about 2 weeks out. So, Feb 1 is your stop date. THEN as you get closer, start thinking, ok, we've waited a few days/a week to hear back from these people, let's get on the phone. BUT don't start fretting about Feb 2. Not until you are at Jan 31. Does this make sense?
Because, what happens, is that you wannagetoutnowomgoutout and start getting all fussy. And worked up and disappointed you didn't get it dammit etc. So set a stop date, don't think past it. You will go omg I can't get out self-defeat ack.

Give their side some time to do their job. Assert yourself calmly when you're closer to the stop date. "Hey Jane. This is Eisa. Remember we spoke on Jan 10 about me getting some assitance to have my own place? I'd like to check up on the status of that. It's really getting harder for me here [it is, so say it] I'm really anxious [normal anxious not squirrely anxious] to find my own place." Blargel gimme time. "Ok, Jane. Can I call you in a week, like around Feb 3 or 4? I know monthly budgets would be ironed out by then [this is true]" Sure blargle bye.

Shit, write a script out if you want. IF they've got you something NOW, do the happy dance! If they've got something very soon, do the happy dance! If they're taking longer than you want, ASSERT yourself.

But I am VERY VERY impressed. This is such a progress jump I've got the sniffles. (I'm NOT kidding).
Are you searching for doctor help too? Gen doc and psych doc? Meh, get the housing going. Once you're in, doctor stuff.

Go Eisa!!!!!

[dragon_wings]

Hey Eisa we need to actually find 'weird' hats to wear. Hats that say 'weird' or something similar. Not hats that are just merely weird.

[Mishi]

*Squees* Oh, penguins! I love them sooo much! Besides, it's a nice break from being a pirate, a monster or a pirate-monster-people-eater.
Bubbles can't quite pronounce crocodile and it sounds like 'kwa-la-loo'. They've been watching Jake and the Neverland pirates, so she randomly races out of the lounge room shrieking "Ahh! Kwa-la-loo is after me. It's gonna eat meeeee! Save me mummy!" *Tries to climb up my legs*

[Eisa]

BTDT: Thank you. The cat allergy...oh, how I wish I could get rid of it. I love cats. So much.

d_w: Thank you. It has been awesome and random and epic. And weird, but that's ok 'cause we're both weird.



My aunt got the apartment she wanted. I wish I could just move away from her now. :/

[dragon_wings]

Just wanted to stop by and say 'Eisa, you are awesome. And don't forget it.'

I've been enjoying our pm/text conversations today.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Wow, the Wisconsin opportunity sounds great if you can work around the cat allergy...good luck!!

[Eisa]

Mishi: That depends on how you chase me. If you are a rabid tiger chasing me, I will be stressed. If you are a penguin or fluffy cat chasing me, I will be pleased. -giggle-

Yep. Kinda ironic. If he'd waited one fucking week, I've had a billion fucking things turn up. Thanks. No, really. Since as far as he knows, he's basically my only support, and he's fucking lucky that's not actually true. But it's still really fucking close to true. I say "fuck" when I'm pissed off and upset, clearly. XD


BTDT: Thank you. <3



Hmm. Yucky news. I hate cramps. I hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. They hurt.

Anyway. Potentially exciting/happy news. I have a friend who is moving to Wisconsin within the next several months. Said friend would like me to be her roommate AND is more than willing to help me find a job in that area. And she has a fluffy cat! Ok, that shouldn't be a selling point since I'm deathly allergic, but I love cats. So if that actually works, it is amazingly awesome, because then I wouldn't be completely adrift in a new state.

And regardless, I contacted a place here about how to gtfo from my family, so maybe at least no more emotional scars will be inflicted any time soon. 'Twould be nice.

Still a sort of nice, low-grade suicidal that's really almost pleasant in its apathy. That sounds really disturbing doesn't it. Eh. It's true. (Feel like I'm breaking inside... )

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Thinking of you, Eisa.

[Mishi]

Yay, you're back! (I don't want to chase you in case it contributed to your stress/anxiety)
I wish you were feeling better, but at least you have a good chance at this job and you've been exercising. It does make a difference, and anyone that ditches you despite knowing that you're really, really down isn't worth the effort. *Huge hugs*

[Eisa]

Sorry. Been sorta kinda avoiding this.

lordlundar: I will never watch Fantasia. Creepy as hell! I also find The Little Mermaid disturbing because of the end.


BTDT: I do like comedies. I like watching TV show episodes, too, like American Dad. I like American Dad a lot more than Family Guy. At least there aren't very many gratuitous triggering-as-fuck jokes in American Dad and usually they're from Roger, which you just sorta...expect. Not like Family Guy, when ANYONE can say it and you don't know when or why. And Doctor Who now. My friend is making me watch Doctor Who. In order. With no spoilers or she'll kill me.


Der Cute: That wasn't going so bad until the past couple of days. Now it's pretty much barely looking ahead a day. That's ok. Things can still get better. I have shitty coping skills, though. Most of them are, erm...actively harmful. Really got to work on that, because everything else I learn flies out the window when I get really down.

Yeah. The holidays were...meh. They could have been worse, I'll give them that. I tried to think good things. Happy times. It worked some of the time.

Compartmentalizing is bad, yep. That's what I've always done. Compartmentalize and shove it to the depths of my sub-conscious.

And no, no, I am not ok.


I also don't get how someone can be like "wow, you know, you're not doing so great, you're regressing really badly, scared of everything worse than when I first met you five years ago, you really need to fix this...oh, but SEE YA, 'cause I don't want to deal with you anymore!" Thanks. Thanks a lot. If you can't deal with me right now, it would have been really appreciated if you'd figured that out a month ago and kept to what you said then instead of getting my hopes up....again. Seriously.

Need to work again on emotion regulation stuff. Hard to do when I've been constantly having flashbacks and nightmares for the past week. Well, that indicates a few things in giant flashy letters!

Also been doing some good things, applied for a job the other day (which I have a chance for, yay ), been doing more exercise, which does make me feel better (when it doesn't make me feel like I need to fall over and die XD). So...not as bad as it could be, and I'm glad for that.

[Der Cute]

Eisa - are you doing ok?

[Der Cute]

Thank you, Der Cute. Yes, it is a bit odd to say "yay anxiety!" but whatever works, right?

Ooh, thank you. I think I could do that. Especially because 4 is an even number and that appeals to the OCD in me. I very much want to try doing this. Also doing the other thing, the stop thing. It keeps having to be very short increments of time, but that's ok, right?

Also, er...yeah, sorry, I have this anxiety thing around private messages, it seems. I become CONVINCED they're to yell at me and that I did something wrong. Even when it is clearly obvious that is not the case.

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!" Just...fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Not fair.

Yay anxiety - like "hey, it's identified, now we do THIS with it"
As for the stop thing, it's as far of a reach you can handle. Handle responsibly. This one is kind of hard, because "I know I'm OK this week, life's smooth. Let's go to 2 weeks here." Then shit flies...are you able to get through it? Are your skills/coping mech/other crap helping you with this? If they are, fine, good, keep it up. IF NOT, you step back, shorten your time frame. Later, go over what was setting you off. (this is SO much about self-aware it's ridiculous)

Personally I hate the holidays, never have been important to me. Pretty much a bleh, so I totally understand.

as for your recurring issues..Someone told me once it's like bubbles, carbonation in a drink. You have one or 2 come up, they pop, small shit you can deal with but have held back. There are sometimes when they're HUGE bubbles and it's really serious old shit, just..bigger than you want! There is no ending to the bubbles, it's life, but compartmentalizing can do this to you. "Hey, it's stuffed in a box, in the closet, behind a vault door in a military secure bunker"...something pops it and FUCK...FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Yep. These are where you hold on, scream, crap your pants..hold on for the ride and write down what all's happening. And take that to the therapist.
Just remember - your Stop skill is as far as you want to push it..but don't be slacking and use it as an excuse to not look far.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

That's because some Disney movies really are creepy as all hell. Fantasia for example, is on my "good for a scare" list, which is why i rarely ever watch it.

I have only seen it once or twice...not sure if I find it creepy but it is very surreal and not typical Disney at all, especially not for its time.

Personally I like to watch comedies when I'm feeling really down...either movies or shows like World's Dumbest. Recently I bought a Blu-ray disc of The Hangover...I haven't seen it but I've heard enough to know I will thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe I can watch it tomorrow night when I don't have to get up so early the next morning...

[lordlundar]

Then again, some Disney movies scare me.

That's because some Disney movies really are creepy as all hell. Fantasia for example, is on my "good for a scare" list, which is why i rarely ever watch it.