Feeling overwhelmed

[Der Cute]

Eisa:
I'm glad to see that you've identified some of the stuff going on in your head. I know, sad for me to say "yay anxiety".

Here is an anxiety technique I use, called Square Breathing.
Sit down, upright, feet on floor - as comfy as possible. No stiffness, just upright. Close eyes.
Inhale with DEEP breath, extending your stomach kind.
When inhaling, count to four. In in in in in (to four)
HOLD FOR FOUR SECONDS
Exhale for four. Out out out out.

Do this for four times.
Do your best to ignore any thoughts running through your head. Concentrate on the breathing. Even if a thought pops in, that's fine. Just breathe. (gradually you'll get better and be able to have a blank brain). It's all in the practice.
If you do this, please, try to do it with no distractions. Like if you're feeling squirrely, step away from the puter. Do your best to physically change circumstances.
And if not? Fine fine. Breathing.
I will say this is difficult because you have to be on top of yourself to catch the anxiety/feelings.
Or, well, you COULD do this when you're going to bed. I do it sometimes when my dad's badgering me on the phone. It may sound funny LOL, but it DOES help.
I use this when anxious in a situation (I can cheat a bit with positions, but it's ok), or finding myself being tense.

This skill is another of the DBT batch. Emotional Regulation category. I know you've got shit rolling this week, so could you implement this? Or part of your schedule/routine. Like in a shower or when you're in the bathroom.

Not required, but it does work for me often. Not all work for everyone. There have been techniques that I've learned that don't do diddly, and I've ditched 'em.

[Eisa]

Thank you, Der Cute. Yes, it is a bit odd to say "yay anxiety!" but whatever works, right?

Ooh, thank you. I think I could do that. Especially because 4 is an even number and that appeals to the OCD in me. I very much want to try doing this. Also doing the other thing, the stop thing. It keeps having to be very short increments of time, but that's ok, right?

Also, er...yeah, sorry, I have this anxiety thing around private messages, it seems. I become CONVINCED they're to yell at me and that I did something wrong. Even when it is clearly obvious that is not the case.

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!" Just...fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Not fair.

Maybe I should watch a movie tonight. Like a Disney movie or something, not a creepy, scary one. Then again, some Disney movies scare me.

And I know this is getting so bad because of the holidays, too. I HATE the holidays. They can go fuck themselves, they have never ever been good. Ever.

[Mishi]

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!"

Maybe because you're used to other people kicking you while you're down, so your inner-self thinks that it's normal and plays up? That's my best guess as to why it happens to me.

How did the apartment search go? Yeah, something bad always seems to happen on the holidays and birthdays. I still don't know if my mother is going to be going to my Aunty's place for dinner on Christmas! I'm just a wee bit anxious about that.
Going to PM you now, and it's not to yell at you, I promise. *hugs*

[Eisa]

Mishi: Hmm. Probably. Fucking inner self. And 'cause I never really truly deal with things. Alas.

We haven't done it yet. She keeps ending up with other stuff to do or she sleeps all day. Which I am ok with, but then she gets pissy about it, which isn't so great. Yeah, holidays and birthdays, man...I always seem to get really sick on my birthday. And my birthday was always during Finals Week in college, which sucked.

Yay for not yelling!

[lordlundar]

Then again, some Disney movies scare me.

That's because some Disney movies really are creepy as all hell. Fantasia for example, is on my "good for a scare" list, which is why i rarely ever watch it.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

That's because some Disney movies really are creepy as all hell. Fantasia for example, is on my "good for a scare" list, which is why i rarely ever watch it.

I have only seen it once or twice...not sure if I find it creepy but it is very surreal and not typical Disney at all, especially not for its time.

Personally I like to watch comedies when I'm feeling really down...either movies or shows like World's Dumbest. Recently I bought a Blu-ray disc of The Hangover...I haven't seen it but I've heard enough to know I will thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe I can watch it tomorrow night when I don't have to get up so early the next morning...

[Der Cute]

Thank you, Der Cute. Yes, it is a bit odd to say "yay anxiety!" but whatever works, right?

Ooh, thank you. I think I could do that. Especially because 4 is an even number and that appeals to the OCD in me. I very much want to try doing this. Also doing the other thing, the stop thing. It keeps having to be very short increments of time, but that's ok, right?

Also, er...yeah, sorry, I have this anxiety thing around private messages, it seems. I become CONVINCED they're to yell at me and that I did something wrong. Even when it is clearly obvious that is not the case.

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!" Just...fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Not fair.

Yay anxiety - like "hey, it's identified, now we do THIS with it"
As for the stop thing, it's as far of a reach you can handle. Handle responsibly. This one is kind of hard, because "I know I'm OK this week, life's smooth. Let's go to 2 weeks here." Then shit flies...are you able to get through it? Are your skills/coping mech/other crap helping you with this? If they are, fine, good, keep it up. IF NOT, you step back, shorten your time frame. Later, go over what was setting you off. (this is SO much about self-aware it's ridiculous)

Personally I hate the holidays, never have been important to me. Pretty much a bleh, so I totally understand.

as for your recurring issues..Someone told me once it's like bubbles, carbonation in a drink. You have one or 2 come up, they pop, small shit you can deal with but have held back. There are sometimes when they're HUGE bubbles and it's really serious old shit, just..bigger than you want! There is no ending to the bubbles, it's life, but compartmentalizing can do this to you. "Hey, it's stuffed in a box, in the closet, behind a vault door in a military secure bunker"...something pops it and FUCK...FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Yep. These are where you hold on, scream, crap your pants..hold on for the ride and write down what all's happening. And take that to the therapist.
Just remember - your Stop skill is as far as you want to push it..but don't be slacking and use it as an excuse to not look far.

[Der Cute]

Eisa - are you doing ok?

[Eisa]

Sorry. Been sorta kinda avoiding this.

lordlundar: I will never watch Fantasia. Creepy as hell! I also find The Little Mermaid disturbing because of the end.


BTDT: I do like comedies. I like watching TV show episodes, too, like American Dad. I like American Dad a lot more than Family Guy. At least there aren't very many gratuitous triggering-as-fuck jokes in American Dad and usually they're from Roger, which you just sorta...expect. Not like Family Guy, when ANYONE can say it and you don't know when or why. And Doctor Who now. My friend is making me watch Doctor Who. In order. With no spoilers or she'll kill me.


Der Cute: That wasn't going so bad until the past couple of days. Now it's pretty much barely looking ahead a day. That's ok. Things can still get better. I have shitty coping skills, though. Most of them are, erm...actively harmful. Really got to work on that, because everything else I learn flies out the window when I get really down.

Yeah. The holidays were...meh. They could have been worse, I'll give them that. I tried to think good things. Happy times. It worked some of the time.

Compartmentalizing is bad, yep. That's what I've always done. Compartmentalize and shove it to the depths of my sub-conscious.

And no, no, I am not ok.


I also don't get how someone can be like "wow, you know, you're not doing so great, you're regressing really badly, scared of everything worse than when I first met you five years ago, you really need to fix this...oh, but SEE YA, 'cause I don't want to deal with you anymore!" Thanks. Thanks a lot. If you can't deal with me right now, it would have been really appreciated if you'd figured that out a month ago and kept to what you said then instead of getting my hopes up....again. Seriously.

Need to work again on emotion regulation stuff. Hard to do when I've been constantly having flashbacks and nightmares for the past week. Well, that indicates a few things in giant flashy letters!

Also been doing some good things, applied for a job the other day (which I have a chance for, yay ), been doing more exercise, which does make me feel better (when it doesn't make me feel like I need to fall over and die XD). So...not as bad as it could be, and I'm glad for that.

[Mishi]

Yay, you're back! (I don't want to chase you in case it contributed to your stress/anxiety)
I wish you were feeling better, but at least you have a good chance at this job and you've been exercising. It does make a difference, and anyone that ditches you despite knowing that you're really, really down isn't worth the effort. *Huge hugs*

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Thinking of you, Eisa.

[Eisa]

Mishi: That depends on how you chase me. If you are a rabid tiger chasing me, I will be stressed. If you are a penguin or fluffy cat chasing me, I will be pleased. -giggle-

Yep. Kinda ironic. If he'd waited one fucking week, I've had a billion fucking things turn up. Thanks. No, really. Since as far as he knows, he's basically my only support, and he's fucking lucky that's not actually true. But it's still really fucking close to true. I say "fuck" when I'm pissed off and upset, clearly. XD


BTDT: Thank you. <3



Hmm. Yucky news. I hate cramps. I hate them with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. They hurt.

Anyway. Potentially exciting/happy news. I have a friend who is moving to Wisconsin within the next several months. Said friend would like me to be her roommate AND is more than willing to help me find a job in that area. And she has a fluffy cat! Ok, that shouldn't be a selling point since I'm deathly allergic, but I love cats. So if that actually works, it is amazingly awesome, because then I wouldn't be completely adrift in a new state.

And regardless, I contacted a place here about how to gtfo from my family, so maybe at least no more emotional scars will be inflicted any time soon. 'Twould be nice.

Still a sort of nice, low-grade suicidal that's really almost pleasant in its apathy. That sounds really disturbing doesn't it. Eh. It's true. (Feel like I'm breaking inside... )

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Wow, the Wisconsin opportunity sounds great if you can work around the cat allergy...good luck!!

[dragon_wings]

Just wanted to stop by and say 'Eisa, you are awesome. And don't forget it.'

I've been enjoying our pm/text conversations today.

[Eisa]

BTDT: Thank you. The cat allergy...oh, how I wish I could get rid of it. I love cats. So much.

d_w: Thank you. It has been awesome and random and epic. And weird, but that's ok 'cause we're both weird.



My aunt got the apartment she wanted. I wish I could just move away from her now. :/