Very Very Not Happy....Actually Friggen Pissed

[ShadowBall]

Another reader of The Gift of Fear...good book, but I can sum up the whole damn thing in three words: trust your gut. Basically all the book tells you is if you get that gut feeling shit's not right, it isn't and you should listen to that intuition. Good bit of advice, but no reason a whole book had to be dedicated to something most people are advised to do at one point or another.

Also, if you were to go the route of learning self defense, I would not advise one specifically for women because, in my experience, it's nothing but a load of bullshit. I was forced to take one in high school as part of P.E. and the "methods" were ridiculous - like slamming your ass against an attacker's groin. I told this to a friend of mine who is a black belt in karate and he showed me how someone could easily dodge, block or use the women's self-defense techniques against the women using them. So if you want to do self defense, I would advise a real class and not Cushy Dirty Dancing Under Pressure 101 like I had.

The shitty part is since you're not playing this asshole's little game, he's going to see that as a challenge against his manliness and will become a right pain in the ass and a threat to you. There's really no other advice I can offer regarding the police and such that others have not already said, but in any case, do be careful.

[Eisa]

I took this one myself. Twice. http://www.rad-systems.com/ I had a good instructor the first time...and the simulation helped at the end (where you practice basically beating the fuck out of someone...they're heavily padded, of course. I had one guy grab me from behind and actually pick me up off the ground and I got away from him. You have to put them on the ground). So it might be a consideration.

[Seshat]

Another reader of The Gift of Fear...good book, but I can sum up the whole damn thing in three words: trust your gut.<snip>

Also, if you were to go the route of learning self defense, I would not advise one specifically for women because, in my experience, it's nothing but a load of bullshit.

The Gift of Fear covers more than that - and for someone with anxieties (like me), it tells you when your gut is right. And what you can do about it.

As for women's self-defence courses: as with all such things, some are good, some not so much. Sounds like yours was a not-so-much.

[Buglady]

Another reader of The Gift of Fear...good book, but I can sum up the whole damn thing in three words: trust your gut. Basically all the book tells you is if you get that gut feeling shit's not right, it isn't and you should listen to that intuition. Good bit of advice, but no reason a whole book had to be dedicated to something most people are advised to do at one point or another.

The trouble is - and this is one of the main points of the book - is that women are so often told NOT to trust their gut, over and over throughout our lives; we are told to be nice, to smooth over, to appease and to please. We're told we are overly emotional, that we're over-reacting, that we should feel complimented when men "like" us to the point of harassing and scaring us, that we do not have the right to make a man feel bad by refusing his advances or telling him off for his behaviour...

That is, until we're in a really bad situation and then we get blamed for not having known better. It's a god-awful situation.

As for self-defense - yes, women are usually smaller and not as strong as men. That makes surprisingly little difference compared to the attitude of "I am going to fight" - and that's the part the self-defense classes usually focus on (or should). It's the mental and emotional preparation as much as physical.

[Jester]

Also, if you were to go the route of learning self defense...

I want to comment on this, and tell you (all of you) what I have basically told my three older nieces. (My youngest niece isn't quite to the point of understanding it. I'm hoping to teach her soon, though, as she is very loving and accepting of everyone she meets.)

First, I should point out that not only am I not a self-defense instructor, I don't even know any real self-defense techniques or martial arts. My comments are actually geared towards people who DON'T have this knowledge, but still find themselves in such situations. The best advice is to actually learn some self-defense techniques from a professional.

That being said, if you don't know those techniques, there are a few things all women should know. To wit, the vulnerable points on a man: eyes, throat, knees, and testicles. All of which are absolutely fair game if someone is assaulting you. Especially since, generally speaking, the woman being assaulted will be smaller than the man assaulting her.

Testicles: highly vulnerable. If possible, put a food, knee, or fist into them. And I mean HARD. Like you're trying to break bricks. Slam those puppies. Alternatively, if you can't get the leverage for a good swing, use your hand to grab them, and squeeze as hard as you can. Like you're trying to crush grapes. Then squeeze even harder. The one downside to this last part is that, if you grab the dick instead of the balls, he may well enjoy it.

Knees: They are designed to bend one way. So if you can get a good stomp straight into their knee from the front, bending it the wrong way and/or breaking it, this will cripple your attacker, not just from pain, but possibly from walking as well. Makes it damn difficult to follow someone you're attacking when your knee is shattered. And when I say stomp, I mean it....vertically send the heel or sole of your foot as hard as you can straight into the front of the knee. The downside here is that you won't always have a good shot or the right leverage to get this shot in.

Eyes: It's "dirty" to claw at someone's eyes. If you're being attacked, however, rules and what is or isn't dirty go right out the fucking window. Claw, poke, stab foreign objects in there....whatever. It's damn hard to attack someone when you can't see and/or are in agonizing pain. The downside to this is that the eyes are small targets, and a lot of attackers will be able to defend against this.

Throat: It controls the air flow. No air, no attack. So, cut off the air. With the likely discrepancy in strength between victim and attacker, choking is unlikely to work. So you need to punch as hard as you can right in the middle of the throat. But don't aim for the front of the throat. You need to hit them in the front of the throat, of course, by the Adam's apple area, but you want to AIM for the back of the neck, so that your punch goes hard right through. This actually is true for most hits: you want to aim for something BEYOND the target, i.e., back of the throat, back of the knee, etc. The idea being that if you aim for beyond the target, you will go hard through the target. The downside to this is that it's hard to get the right shot in.

One other "dirty" technique that could enable your escape: spit, stomp, slam. To wit, spit in their eyes. When they reach up reflexively to deal with that, stomp them on the foot or in the shin. Or kick them in the balls. Again the reflex on their part is to bend over. At which point you grab the back of their head with both hands, and SLAM it down hard into your knee, smashing their face, and disabling them long enough for you to get away. And the downside to this is that it doesn't always work to plan.

All of the above are potentially effective, but do have downsides, as mentioned. Once again, self-defense classes are highly recommended. If you haven't gotten to them yet, though, remember the above. I have made sure that my nieces, none of whom are all that large, have committed them to memory, and it makes me sleep easier at night.

You will notice I don't mention any weapons here. That is because weapons can be turned on the person trying to defend themselves, and in a struggle for a weapon, the person with more strength has the advantage, and that is usually going to benefit the male attacker over the female victim. Without proper training in the use of weapons, they can be just as dangerous to you, perhaps even more dangerous, as they can be to your would-be attacker.

And remember, any of you who want to talk can always PM me. I'll be here for you.

[Seshat]

As for self-defense - yes, women are usually smaller and not as strong as men. That makes surprisingly little difference compared to the attitude of "I am going to fight" - and that's the part the self-defense classes usually focus on (or should). It's the mental and emotional preparation as much as physical.

In retrospect, I will modify my advice.

Do a self-defence course. Do one where the instructor - male or female - understands the differences in mechanical advantage between males (upper body) and females (lower body).

Essentially, because men generally have broader shoulders than women, and longer arms, their upper body bones are longer levers and thus can move with more force. The instructor doesn't have to know that in these words, but they have to understand how to work with it.

Women, with our wider pelvises, are stronger at carrying heavy things around our hips than at our shoulders. This is why men instinctively carry children and toddlers high on their bodies, and women tend to snuggle them to our hips. Again, the instructor doesn't have to know the formal words, just understand how to work with it.



You're looking for a self-defence course, one focussed on helping you to identify risky situations and deal with them effectively - including escaping to safety if it's at all possible.
Most karate/judo/whatever courses are targetted more at fitness and competition-winning than at self-defence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! But it's not your main purpose in this situation.

That said, becoming fit will always help in a danger situation. If you have that option, take it. And a style of fitness that helps you effectively deal with risky situations is useful.

(Side note: I literally cannot run away. For me, escape after the fact is not a viable option. That's one of the reasons 'The Gift of Fear' and similar books are helpful to me - identifying a risky situation before I enter it is my most effective defence.)

[bhskittykatt]

That being said, if you don't know those techniques, there are a few things all women should know. To wit, the vulnerable points on a man: eyes, throat, knees, and testicles. All of which are absolutely fair game if someone is assaulting you. Especially since, generally speaking, the woman being assaulted will be smaller than the man assaulting her.

I took a self-defense seminar, and I was taught the eyes are the best target you can go for. When attacking a guy, the testicles are the first to come to mind, but especially if the guy is drunk, a kick in the nuts isn't going to be as effective as you think.

If you go for the eyes, though, their first reflex is going to be to protect their eyes. Their hands will fly up to their face. This means that you've either opened them up to another attack if you know what you're doing, or you've just given yourself a few seconds to try and escape.

The class I took was a one-day thing with my old Girl Scout troop, but I still remember a lot from it. Hubs also has martial arts training and has taught me a few ways to get out of various holds. It's not nearly the same as taking a full-fledged class, but every little bit helps, I think.

[Jester]

I agree that the eyes are the best target generally speaking, but they are a small target, and in some cases, the height difference between the victim and attacker could make them very difficult to get to. But they ARE a target to consider.

Also, with the nuts, that is why I didn't just say kick or knee them there. Reaching in with your hand, grabbing them, and squeezing like your life depends on it (which it may) can be VERY effective. Just TYPING this makes me wince, and I am sure it makes a lot of guys reading it cringe just as much. But it is something I feel women should know. If the attacker in question is wearing pants or shorts that are not denim, this will be much more effective, as denim is thicker and sturdier, and tends to protect the testicles from this kind of attack somewhat better.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I wouldn't suggest going for the nuts, simply because most guys instinctively protect that area. Feint to the nuts (he'll be expecting that anyways) and when he puts all his defenses on the family jewels, go straight for his face and throat.

I mean, of course take a nut shot if you can get one, but you probably won't get one.

Also, you bite a guy in the neck just right, you'll take the fight right out of him. If you can clamp your jaws down on that big muscle that runs down the side of the neck into the shoulder, he's done.

And when I say clamp down, I don't mean pussyfoot around, either. I mean clamp down like you're trying to kill him. Because you should be. You probably won't, but you need to be doing your level best anyway. Your jaws are the strongest muscles in your body. Use them.

Nice thing about that is that he sure as hell won't be expecting that. And once you're dug in like a dog tic, he probably won't be able to dislodge you.

[Jester]

There are a lot of great suggestions here, but of course what the best course of action will be will depend on the actual situation. So, if you do find yourself being attacked, one of the best things you can do, as difficult as it will be, will be to keep your head, stay as calm as you can, and figure out your attacker's weak spot or vulnerable area, and then take your shot at the first opportunity. Losing your head is natural, of course, but probably won't do much for your situation.

I know that this forum does not advocate violence, but I think when it comes to self-defense, as being discussed here, it's a whole different thing.

[PepperElf]

glad to see you're not going to meet him!

and yeah i hope that you do involve the police no matter what you decide to do with your phone.


And... if you'd like a cheap way to ignore his calls, you may want to consider using a silent ringer for him. i had that option on one of my old phones. and i'm pretty sure i could make one too. that way if he tries calling you sure it will ring but you won't hear it. (although you may have a risk of answering your phone by accident if you try to call out when he's calling you).

[Jester]

An alternative to what Pepper Elf said is to assign one ringtone just to him, so you know immediately that he's calling, and can silence and/or ignore the call/text completely. For a horrible ex-girlfriend, I had ELO's "Evil Woman" as her ring tone.

For this guy, Beck's "Loser" might work.
Perhaps Natalie Imbruglia's "Leave Me Alone."
Maybe even "Hit the Road Jack."

I'm sure there are lots of songs that would lend themselves well to such a ringtone, actually. Those are just a few off the top of my pointy little head.

[It's me]

Lots of advice here, not very much Kisa!

Kisa, things any better? Did you talk with Jester?

[Seshat]

If she's just had four wisdom teeth out, she may not be in much condition to type.

Best of luck for a rapid recovery, Kisa!

[RootedPhoenix]

Kisa,

No advice, but lots of *hugs*. Good luck with the wisdom teeth too.