need advice and need to rant

[morgana]

Congratulations, PBW!

Maria sounds like she can avoid turning into her mother. Good for her!

Many happy years to the two of you.


Keep us posted, K?

[paintballworker]

Hence why I like the fact that maria takes after her grandmother....who was a badass...she was in The Great Patriotic War*(WWII to us in the West) as a sniper, and lived her life like she didn't give a shit. Even I miss her, and I o lay met her a couple of times.

I take after my moms father, down to the love of flight, except I'm not a womanizer nor do I smoke half a dozen cigars a day.

[dalesys]

... Both of them were willing to carry grudges until hell froze over. Who needs that??

And then call the taxidermist so they can be set up in the parlor.

[Pixilated]

Congrats on the wedding! You've been given some really good advise. I wanted to add a page out of my parents' book. They've been married for 47 years.

*snip*

To paraphrase a character in Lynn Johnston's cartoon strip (For Better or For Worse), your family is a class act.

I'm now 44.

I agree in part with 'if you want to know what your wife will be like in 20 years, look at her mother'.

I add a phrase: 'Unless she's making an effort to not resemble her mother'.

*snip*

Exactly. The older I get, the more I resemble my mother. Yay. Not. But I am doing my best NOT to resemble either her OR my father in my personality. Both of them were willing to carry grudges until hell froze over. Who needs that??

[42_42_42]

Then you get odd-balls like my sister and I. I look like my mom, but my personality is very similar to my father's, which means I'm a geek guy in a woman's body (although I'm also very girly, I guess that makes me a geek princess). My sister looks like our dad's sister, but her personality is almost exactly like our maternal grandmother's, some of which my mom has and some of which my mom's personality was created as a reaction to.

[Seshat]

I'm now 44.

I agree in part with 'if you want to know what your wife will be like in 20 years, look at her mother'.

I add a phrase: 'Unless she's making an effort to not resemble her mother'.

Oh, I look physically like a thinner version of my mother, with some of my father's family's features thrown in. I have his eyebrows, my paternal aunt's chin, etc.

But I made a conscious effort even as a teen to build much of my personality on my grandmother, and to discover who and what I am. Me, not my upbringing, not my culture, not my heritage. Oh yes, I am a product of all of the above, but they don't have to dictate what I do, say, think and feel.

I catch myself acting like my mother or father sometimes. I stop, lift a hand, say 'sorry, that's what Dad would have said'. Pause, think. Try to figure out what's ME. Sometimes I lower the hand and shrugs 'but it's okay. We can continue.'

Other times, it's '... and it was horrible. I apologise. Give me a moment, if you don't mind.'

My close friends and my chosen-family fully understand. More distant friends may or may not, but it doesn't bother me either way. I try not to do it in front of my genetic family - but I also try not to see them very often at all. Just enough for (what did I call them? Ah yes) Alice and Johnny.

[paintballworker]

Thanks again,
I'm the kind of person who, when they are mad smiles like the Cheshire Cat, pisses people off. Every time Maria sees her families # on her cell, sighs and lets it go to voicemail.

I'm also proud of the fact that our only major fight so far, has been about her family, and even then, we both knew we were being colossal ass hats to each other. We do nitpick, but those dont end in fights, just her reminding me she has a sword....and can use it.

[mathnerd]

Congrats on the wedding! You've been given some really good advise. I wanted to add a page out of my parents' book. They've been married for 47 years.

My parents' families hated each other. My mom is catholic and dad was raised baptist (he converted when I was a little girl.) My mother's cousin accidentally shot and killed my dad's brother (a bunch of boys were target shooting on mom's family's farm). To say that there was no love would be an understatement. My mother's mother was also extremely controlling. My grandmother took away my mother's car at one point because she refused to break up with my father. My father's mother, well, she was a "strong" personality and just yelled and cursed every time my mother was mentioned.

So, knowing that it would not be well received, my father picked up my mother from her last day of high school and they drove straight through to S. Carolina, which was the first place they could find with judges available 24 hours a day in order to get married. Mom's mom actually drove up a few days later and tried to force her to come home. That didn't go over well. Both of my grandmothers meddled and tried to break them up every chance they got (both of my grandfathers passed before I was born, and neither of them are really talked about much, so I don't know about them.)

One day when my mom and I were talking, I asked her how she managed to keep a strong front as a couple with all that pressure from both families. She told me that she has a "love/hate relationship" with her in-laws. They hate her and she loves them. No matter what they threw at her, she took a deep breath and ended the conversation with "I love you, we'll talk later." Dad did the same thing to the other side. She said that just because you don't like somebody, doesn't mean you can't love them.

It worked for 44 years until the last of my grandparents passed away 3 years ago. My parents' marriage isn't all sunshine and roses, but they're pushing in on a half century, so they must be doing something right!

[MistressOfTangents]

I'm late to this, but my warmest congratulations to you both anyway.

[sms001]

'grats pbw! Have a long and happy one.

[MoonCat]

Wow. You're right, they're nuts.

Congrats on the marriage! May it be a very long and VERY happy one!

[Sapphire Silk]

So if you do end up seeking formal therapy, give it a couple of sessions to see if you 'click' with the therapist, but don't be afraid of deciding to try someone else.

Second this. I had to try a couple before I found the right one.

Congrats on the wedding! I wish you both many happy years together, and many happy wonderfully adjusted children when you decide to start having them.

I think you guys are doing a good job of handling this; stick to your guns!

[paintballworker]

This is a quick update for all, my aunts have 'wife-napped' Maria for a "girl's night".

Maria has turned out more like her grandmother then her mom, for which I'm eternally grateful. She's also in therapy(and she does fencing and RPG's). And as for the children, they are spoiled brats just like their mother. I leave the call up to Maria, but I have advocated it.

And Maria knows full well what I think of her family, second date she warned me about her 'crazy family', and that she understood if I didn't want to keep dating after I met them. I assure you they couldn't be that bad....oh I was wrong, so very wrong. 10 minutes after meeting her mom, she was dragging me out of their house screaming at her mother that she was an asshole and it 'was my decision'. Shes joked that when she wins the lottery she's gonna buy a North Korean nuke and drop it on her family. My family, by comparison, are bloody saints!

Oh trust me, we are ready for weapons-grade crazy, but we have a secret weapon
.....
My aunts

They've been together for almost 30 years, and finally got married last year. And guess who can't stand same-sex marriages .

Also, I dare them to call the police, it means my next door neighbor can come over and bring that pulled pork he keeps ranting about.(I live next to a detective).

I've just these here(a plate of +1 cookies of thanks, and the keys to my drink cabinet). I'm off to wrangle a dog so I can take him for a walk.

[mosspack1]

First of all...Congrats! I am posting this from a friend who went though the same situation with her in-laws.

1. "No" is a sentence
2. Never "JADE" (justify and defend everything)
3. Be prepared for them to ramp up the crazy when they find out you are married
4. It is perfectly fine to cut-off toxic people even if they are family.
5. When the flying monkeys come out (friends and family of the in-laws) tell them it is not up for discussion.
6. Black hole all communicatin if need be. But do not return to sender any mail they send as that is seen by crazies as communication. File it if needed for future use.
7. You and your wife must present a united front.

Seems like you have #7 covered. Hopefully your in-laws will not call the police and claim you murdered your wife when she stops communication with them. Yes, my friends in-laws did that.

[Pimento]

I'm gonna lay this out there since it sounds IDENTICAL to what I went through.

If you want to know how your wife will turn out in 20 years, look at her mother. My mother in law ruined our first wedding plans. Then when we decided to do what we could afford, we told her to shut up about it.

She showed up at the wedding in a big white outfit, then cried like she was at a funeral for her daughter.

The stress and guilt trips eventually were a huge contributing factor to the reason we separated. I mean, were gonna work it out, but right now we are talking mostly over text messages and have decided to live apart for a while.

Her mom is dragging my name through the mud. And ignored all attempts for me contacting her.

I'm gonna suggest that you VERY clearly tell her how you feel about her family and establish guide lines for them now. I thought the wife and I were on the same page...but she always went back to help dear old mom