How the hell do girls flirt?

[Rapscallion]

Good advice, Gerenday. However, I've had flirting described to me (rightly or wrongly) as something done with plausible deniability in order to guage someone else's interest.

Not sure how others view this concept of it.

Rapscallion

[Greenday]

Do you mean basically flirting to gauge someone's interest, but having a reason for why it's not really flirting?

[Rapscallion]

From what I was told, aye.

Rapscallion

[Kheldarson]

That pretty much summarizes my attitude with it. I was shy and tended to like guys I was friends with. Don't want to ruin friendships, but wanted to see if maybe there was something more...so find things that are a bit more "friendly" and then try not to get hurt if it backlashes.

Human minds and interactions are weird, no?

[Food Lady]

Good advice, Gerenday. However, I've had flirting described to me (rightly or wrongly) as something done with plausible deniability in order to guage someone else's interest.

Exactly. Right on.

[Mytical]

I can be dense, very dense..when it comes to social interaction. Add with shyness, and short of coming up to me and saying something like "You, me, date." I'm going to be clueless.

[Jester]

Ugh, wait, why am *I* of all people explaining this? ><

Funnier than that is that I'm about to jump in here and offer some advice.

That's right, folks, Professor Jester is IN.

Now, while I tend to be clueless when women are flirting with me, as an observer of the human condition and of people in general, I can certainly tell when someone is flirting with someone else. Keep in mind, though, that everyone is different, and what may be flirting for one person may be completely innocent for someone else. The following are merely generalities that apply to a large percentage of the population, from my experience.

With that in mind, some signs of flirting include:

--talking to you longer than they might normally, or more than they would need to. I.e., "Hey, do you have the homework assignment?" becomes "Hey, do you have the homework assignment? Cool. And what did you think of what Baines said? Yeah, he's a jerk. Did you say the latest Lost?" Etc.

--talking to you when they normally wouldn't at all. I.e., a girl you see all the time at the gym that never says anything to you suddenly starts striking up conversations about random things.

--body language, such asbrushing the hair back when they're talking to you (generally female); focusing more on you than others in the group, both with their eyes and their ears, i.e., listening intently to what you have to say over what others have to say; continuously touching themselves, not pervertedly, but their arms, their face, brushing their boobs (also obviously generally female); touching you, even innocently, a lot, such as brushing your arm, touching your shoulder, perhaps even your face, or brushing something out of your hair (especially if nothing's there); leaning in a lot when you're talking, whether to show off cleavage or just to get closer to you. Remember, a lot of body language is done subconsciously, not necessarily intentionally....people are usually not aware that they are doing these things.

--laughing at all your jokes, even if they're not funny. Especially if they're really not funny, and you know this...and they're laughing too much.

--sustained eye contact, either with your eyes, or various body parts, or both. Chances are good that if she's checking out your ass, it's not because she's just looking for a study partner.

--turning up in places you're at a lot. Of course, this could be flirting, but it could also be stalking. Individual mileage will vary. If you're unsure about this, check your stove--if your pet bunny's in a pot, this is stalking, not flirting.

--some obvious ones that don't always seem so obvious to the object of the flirtation are long sustained hugs, sitting in laps, back rubs, neck rubs, and doing all kinds of unexpected favors for you. If she's doing your laundry and she's neither your mother or roommate, she's probably interested. (While there is a woman who does my laundry, I pay her for it, as do many other people. This is different.)

--for women, a guy buying you drinks is a good hint. A guy always buying you drinks is a downright slam dunk.

--for both sexes, if the potential flirter is often checking their appearance when around you but when they think you're not looking, they're interested in someone, probably you. Guys will suck in their stomach and stand up straighter. Girls will check their makeup and hair, and adjust their clothes to make sure they are looking their best.

--Guys, if the girl in question is huddled with her girlfriends giggling from time to time, and they are looking over at you, either she's interested or they think you are a dork...or your fly is down. Better check that.

I discourage trying to approach a girl if she's working, i.e., at her place of employment.

Plus since a female employee *has* to be all friendly and smiley, that'll make it that much harder for you to tell whether or not she has actual interest or is just playing it polite because of her job.

Yes and no. Actually, no yes and no. Or perhaps yes no and yes. Hmmm....better explain.

If your waitress is being nice to you and smiling, that is ambiguous. If she is spending more time at your table than at others, and is making points of coming over to your table a lot, especially if it's more than others, and she is constantly looking at you, she may be flirting with you. However, Amethyst's caveat should not be taken too lightly. Just because you think she is showing you special interest doesn't mean she actually is. We often imagine what we hope to be there, even if it isn't. Also, some servers will intentionally flirt with certain tables to increase their tips. So that special attention may simply be commerce. And I agree that approaching them at work is not the best idea, as they are kind of trapped and have to be nice to you. If the flirting continues outside of work, then you might want to pursue it, but don't be obnoxious and harass them at work when they are simply trying to work.

I speak from experience, as I have a bad habit of getting interested in my servers and bartenders, and 98% of the time, they're just doing their job and I'm a fucking idiot.

I seem to only give off "come hither" signals when nutcases and creepers are around.

You realize, of course, that to nutcases and creepers, the simple fact of you breathing may be "come hither" signals. Sadly, to some of them, even that act is not a prerequisite.

Ask and be blunt.

Really, it's the only way to find out. Don't get frustrated when you thought they definitely were and they weren't. Women like to be all subtle and junk even when they "try" so you just need to flat out ask them if they are interested.

Not true. Not only are there are other ways to find out, this is a way that may actually backfire, or not work even if your suspicions are correct. You may throw them off their "game," by asking them directly, and that may turn some people off. Also, and this may come as a shock to some of you, people lie. They may be trying to save face with their friends, or to preserve their macho image, or to hedge their bets if there's another guy around they're interested in, or simply to shore up their fragile ego. After all, what if they say "yes" and it turns out that their interest is not reciprocated?

As much as I am a fan of the direct approach, it doesn't always work as simply as it should.

And that concludes today's lesson. I am sure many of you have some followup questions. I do too, as I am still learning all this, and am still amazingly oblivious to situations where a girl is actually flirting with me. Good luck. You're gonna need it!

[Kelshir]

If you think someone is flirting with you and you like them, ask them out. Worst case is they say no.

If your waitress is being nice to you and smiling, that is ambiguous. If she is spending more time at your table than at others, and is making points of coming over to your table a lot, especially if it's more than others, and she is constantly looking at you, she may be flirting with you. However, Amethyst's caveat should not be taken too lightly. Just because you think she is showing you special interest doesn't mean she actually is. We often imagine what we hope to be there, even if it isn't. Also, some servers will intentionally flirt with certain tables to increase their tips. So that special attention may simply be commerce. And I agree that approaching them at work is not the best idea, as they are kind of trapped and have to be nice to you. If the flirting continues outside of work, then you might want to pursue it, but don't be obnoxious and harass them at work when they are simply trying to work.

I speak from experience, as I have a bad habit of getting interested in my servers and bartenders, and 98% of the time, they're just doing their job and I'm a fucking idiot.

This part actually helps me (okay, the whole thing, but this part mainly). Just wish it had been here to read a few weeks ago, though it can still help me some right now .

[Jester]

It's good to know that my being a fucking idiot is actually helping people!

(Hell, someone has to blaze a trail for others to follow, right?)

[aurelemsrealm]

The consensus is that there is no one correct answer to the question of flirting. People are people, and each person is different in their approach to flirting and everything else in life. It's all a case of trial and error. No one likes personal rejection, but sometimes you just have to take the risk to find out the answer to burning questions. If the person you like is also interested in you, it's a great feeling that should be enjoyed for as long as it lasts. If the interest is not mutual, it hurts like hell, but is not the end of the world.

For my wife and I, it was many years of being "just friends" before either of us was brave enough to finally admit there was more than just friendship between us. We each dated others in the meantime while trying to understand what we each wanted. Finally, we came to the realization that we were somehow constantly present in each other's lives while everyone else came and went. Looking back, we both knew the subtle hints the other was giving, but we were afraid of ruining what we had until we finally decided to go for it.

One certainty I can offer is that I also don't know how to answer that question. I never saw the signs unless they were pointed out to me by others. Sometimes I realized it on my own after the fact, but it was much too late to do me any good by that time. In other words, the only answer I know to offer is that you won't know until it happens.