Very Complicated Situation.

[Jester]

Thugs my ass. 99% of the time, when someone tells someone else that they will be "watched," it is an empty threat, and there is no one watching.

That being said, Dad's girlfriend is a lunatic.

Dad is a ball-less douchebag fuckwad who needs to be whacked upside the head with a brick.

And Fiance, if he doesn't finally get out of there, is completely undeserving of all the love, support, and sympathy that has been showered on him here. Frankly, if he doesn't get out, I'd say leave him, as that would show him to be a spineless scrotumless pansy-ass lamer crybaby.

I hope he proves me wrong.

[Seshat]

Yay for your auntie. Boo for fiancee's parents (both! What sort of mother won't let her son at least crash on the couch in this sort of situation?) and crazy woman.

Is he out of there yet? Even if he has to leave everything else, and just go with himself, his identity papers and his insulin, he should be out of there.

[tropicsgoddess]

Good grief! I can't believe his mom won't let him move in to get away from Uber Bitch taking over the house! Glad he has his aunt's house to move into but in the meanwhile, I would definitely suggest for fiance to get a PO Box so that none of his mail comes to the house anymore before,during and after the move. Packing up and moving on the low while Uber Bitch is on holiday with fiance's dad is a good idea.

[Jester]

Before we all start condemning Fiance's mother, let's keep in mind that we don't know all the details of their relationship or of Mom's life or situation. There may be very good reasons, either real or real to her, why she will not let Fiance move in. Or there may be bullshit reasons. Or a combination thereof.

But no matter how valid the reasons she has, they are beside the point. The fact remains that Fiance must deal with the situation as it stands, and as it stands, his Mother's place is not a current viable option. So he must deal with the cards he's been dealt, however unfair, lame, or horrible they may be.

So let's get off the whole Mom thing and focus on the situation as it stands, please. Thank you.

[CaroPhoenix]

Any more updates? Just wondering!

[Miss_Stress]

Right, he's moved into my auntie's house and he's well away now, but I've got a few things that happened before he left.

Firstly, his father didn't take his phone on holiday with him. Then, we had calls to that phone asking for my fiance's name and where he was, then hanging up. We then had someone come into the garden late at night. That was Saturday.

Then on Sunday, we got a call from my fiance's mother that she and her partner had had a motorbike crash and that her partner was in hospital. He will be OK, he's going to have pins in his leg.

Then Monday, we went to see his doctor about a lump on his arm that turned out to be a cyst. They got talking about his erratic blood sugars and the doctor believes he is clinically depressed.

We got his stuff packed up, then went to visit his grandmother yesterday. She has been fed half-truths and outright lies from his dad from the start, the most outrageous of which was that my fiance's mother had refused to sign the papers to sell the house. When we asked her about this, it transpired that in fact she and my fiance's father had agreed to put the house up for sale when he returned from holiday, as they didn't want my fiance dealing with people wanting to view the house while his father was away.

We moved his things into my auntie's house today, and he seems better already. He has phoned his mum and explained why he's moved, and what the doctor said, and she's said that she's going to speak to her partner when he's recovered from his operation to see if my fiance can move in with them. He hasn't been able to tell his father, because of course he hasn't taken his phone on holiday, so that will be a shock when they get back!

[Jester]

He hasn't been able to tell his father, because of course he hasn't taken his phone on holiday, so that will be a shock when they get back!

Good. They deserve the shock. I hope they get downright pissed off.

Whatever he does, Fiance should absolutely NOT tell Dad and Harpy where Fiance is. Nothing good can come of that. If they have his cell number, that's all they need. They have proven they cannot be trusted with anything else.

[Zellie Crescent]

Whatever he does, Fiance should absolutely NOT tell Dad and Harpy where Fiance is. Nothing good can come of that. If they have his cell number, that's all they need. They have proven they cannot be trusted with anything else.

I completely 100% agree with Jester, he should not tell them where he is, in fact he should get them out of his life completely. After all the shit they've put you through already, just get rid of them both now and move on with your lives.

[Jester]

Sarah, it's easy enough to say that Fiance should get them out of his life completely, but there are many reasons that Fiance may want to stay in touch with his father, and frankly, I can't blame him. But with the current situation being what it is, I think not having Dad and Harpy know where Fiance is is prudent, and is not asking Fiance to make such a weighty decision as disowning a parent would be.

[Miss_Stress]

Jester, I'm encouraging my fiance to try and sustain a relationship with his father because at the end of the day his father will always be his flesh and blood. The question is how long that @#!*? (I dare not say what I would really like to call her) will allow it for. If his dad will give up his son for her, then he isn't worth the effort.

[Jester]

As I said, it can be debated whether or not he should write of his father completely. Personally I think it's too soon, but there are going to be people who simply say, "Fuck it." But that is a decision for Fiance to make, when he is ready. And it's his decision to make.

That being said, I think it is practical and pragmatic considering the recent history of the situation that, at least for the time being, Dad is made aware that 1. Fiance is out of the house, 2. Fiance is not coming back to the house, 3. Fiance is still in touch with Dad, 4. Fiance is pissed off about how everything happened, and why, 5. Dad will not know where Fiance is, and finally, 6. Dad will now deal with Fiance on Fiance's terms only. And if he doesn't like it, there's not a damn thing he can do about it. He is no longer in control. He is no longer calling the shots. That chapter has closed...permanently.

[Zellie Crescent]

Right, sorry about that. I kinda overreacted by saying that.

[Miss_Stress]

Sarah, don't apologise, I asked for advice and you offered it, so thank you

Jester, wise words as ever! My fiance has read your posts to this thread and has asked me to thank you for your advice. We won't be telling his father where he is because as you said, it will do no good.

[Jester]

Sarah, thank you. If your fiance or you ever need advice, or just want to talk things out, just let me know. I am pretty damn accessible. (Single life does that to you. )

[Laund-o-rama Mama]

6. Dad will now deal with Fiance on Fiance's terms only. And if he doesn't like it, there's not a damn thing he can do about it. He is no longer in control. He is no longer calling the shots. That chapter has closed...permanently.

THIS is the most important thing. I still have contact with some toxic relatives myself, but I am an adult living on my own and I will NOT tolerate their crap. The second they try their usual shit in front of me is the second I leave. I am no longer trapped, having to endure their abuse. And I refuse to feel guilty about setting boundaries like an adult.

That's where a lot of classic co-dependents embroiled in abuse get tripped up: they let the toxic person make them feel guilty for daring to set healthy boundaries. As long as Fiance doesn't fall for any of these tactics, he's golden.

In my experience, no matter how many crocodile tears the Toxics shed and no matter how many "selfish!"s they throw at you, if you stick to your boundaries, most of them start to behave around you. It may take years, but it happens. And the minority who don't are the candidates for cutting out of your life.