Problems With Sister

[Miss_Stress]

We (that is to say, my parents and I) are having problems with my sister. She is two years younger than me (she's 18) and is making everybody's lives miserable.

She cannot speak to anybody in a proper manner. Nobody can say a damned word to her without her jumping down their throats, swearing and screaming and saying she's "sick of us all." It is not an age thing either - I had exactly the same upbringing as her and I have never spoken to my parents in the way she speaks to them. Her behaviour is in fact that bad that my mum has got her on the waiting list for a council flat, because she doesn't want my sister here any more.

My mum and dad have done everything for her. They are still giving her pocket money at 18 years old because she refused to get a part time job while she was at college. I got my job at 17, and though I loathed it with an absolute passion, I continued to go because I didn't want to live off my parents. I pay them board, buy my own clothes, toiletries, everything that I need. My sister does nothing like that, in fact they are paying HER as opposed to the other way round.

This is the biggest problem. She has completed her time at college, and must now find a job. The trouble is, she refuses to take a job that is not in childcare, becasue apparently "she has not made herself ill with stress for 2 years to take a job in a shop." She has said to me, and I quote, "I WILL NOT WORK IN A SHOP!" So, she was quite content to live off my parents at 18 because she wanted a specific job, all the while being horribly rude to them and me. So, my dad (because he is struggling with money, as both me and my mum are also) told her he was stopping her pocket money. This led to a Vesuvius-like tantrum, and her saying she would be penniless, etc etc. All because she won't drop some CVs in around town.

I have been in employment since I was just turned 17 so I could support myself in some small way. Why can she not do the same? Does anyone have any advice for me or my parents in this situation?

Thanks in advance.

[AccountingDrone]

Honestly your parents are doing the right thing. If she won't lift a finger to help herself, she needs to be turfed out of the nest. She will start working once she is out or she will have to find some guy to suck off of.

And you are doing the exact right thing, helping your parents out financially.

I worked a number of jobs to make a living that I didn't like, it is what adults *do*.

[tropicsgoddess]

I agree, your parents are doing the right thing in cutting the purse strings and getting her out of their house. Your sister is being a spoiled little ingrate. I've had a job since I was 19 (nobody wanted to hire me when I was trying to look for work while I was in my last 2 years of high school because I had no experience). I've had jobs I liked and some that I hated but I kept them so I can have my own money to do as I saw fit with it and to support myself. She'll need a serious boot up the ass to know that the adult world is not all fun and games and that she WILL have to do things she doesn't like because she has to.

[protege]

...now if I could get my own parents to cut the purse strings with my brothers.

Both of my younger brothers (who are 29 and 32) still live at home. The 29-year-old, because he was getting his Masters, and because teaching jobs were hard to find. He's been busy looking at places to rent, and will be moving out soon. The 32-year-old...doesn't seem to be making any plans to leave. As long as my parents tolerate him living there, he's going to stay. They both treat my parents like shit--neither one helps them out with chores, and I've heard the "It's not my house" argument many times when I've been visiting. My feeling is, that it may not be your house. However, our parents are in their 60s. It wouldn't kill you to set down the PS3 controller now and then and help them out. Hell, I don't even *live* there, and I sometimes come down and cut the damn grass!

Dad's tired of their antics, but my mother tolerates it. Even so...he's going to royally screw them over when he's gone. He's not only pissed about their lack of help...but because they want nothing to do with his side of the family. As such, he's leaving them *nothing* when he passes on, and has said that they're not invited to his mother's funeral. He figures, that they wanted nothing to do with his mom (or him) in life...why should they benefit from his or her death? That is, they're not getting a penny. Bet that will go over well...

...and now that I've bored everyone with the details of my fucked-up family...I'll get back on topic

I've had various jobs since I was about 10--a newspaper route, washing cars, delivering things, stuffing envelopes, fixing computers, tutoring, etc. Granted, most of the money I made "disappeared" (that is, my parents took it to pay their own bills), but it was nice to have my own cash to put towards a car, my modeling hobbies, trips, etc. and not have to bug my parents for cash. Not that I did much of that to begin with...

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you, all three of you. I can't help but notice the difference in how we have been treated - I was told at 16 to get a job or I would be kicked out, so I went and got a job. None of this has been said to my sister. When I was diagnosed with depression, I was forced to go to work by my parents instead of accepting a doctor's sick note to allow me to get myself together. My sister is now 18, has never been in employment, and is being supplemented by our parents, and I don't know if I'm perceiving our different treatments to be unfair as they actually are, or if I'm justified in feeling this way. I should make it clear that I in no way believe I should live off my parents, I just wish that my sister should have to contribute too.

Indeed, my parents have been discussing my sister's phone bill tonight, and concluded that they would have to pay it until she found a job. I pointed out that she wasn't looking in the town or anything, she was picking and choosing, and I was told that "she's looking." I responded that I was told to get a job or be evicted from the house at 16, and was met with "well we can't really do that to her."

My question is: Am I being unfair, or do I have a legitimate complaint here?

[Kanalah]

I coulda sworn you were talking about me and my sister.

My parents dissapprove of nearly everything I do, while they worship the ground my sister walks on.

Your parents are on the right track with trying to get her moved out into the real world. You don't want her to end up like my sister.

My sister cursed a blue streak anytime anything was asked of her. She doesn't know how to pick up after herself, cook or clean. My mom was so tired of the constant abuse that *she* moved out. So now my sister is 27, flunked out of high school, doesn't know how to survive in the real world at all, and now has a free house, free car, and a credit card that my mom pays off for her every month. Honestly I know it's lower stress for my mother to not have to deal with it, but it's still not an ideal situation for anyone involved.

[taxguykarl]

I responded that I was told to get a job or be evicted from the house at 16, and was met with "well we can't really do that to her."

My question is: Am I being unfair, or do I have a legitimate complaint here?

I don't think you're being unfair. You were treated differently; your parents are tolerating shenanigans from your sister that would be unacceptable if you did the same--objectively verifiable. Your complaint is completely legitimate.

OTOH, you turned out better and (barring a complete change in behavior on your sister's part) will be better off for life. You have your own place...she has to beg the bureaucrats. You have your own funds...she has to mooch from your parents (and beg the bureaucrats and charities eventually). I could go on, but I think you go the point: Your life is better (note, I don't say easier) than hers will ever be! Sure mommy & daddy pay her phone bill...think now, why does she have to ask?

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you Kanalah and Taxguykarl while I don't actually have my own place, I do contribute financially to the house, pay my own phone bill, fund my own travel, fund things needed for Uni, and buy basic essentials such as clothes, food and toiletries. When I was at my last job I was at Uni 5 days a week, and working for 7. My sister does nothing and is paid for the privilege. My parents say they're at their wits end but still continue giving her cash! What sort of message does that send to her? :/

[Rapscallion]

It gives the exact wrong message. I've seen this a few times. Older child is taught self-reliance. Parents see the results, but then don't want to feel the pain of being hard on a child for their own good once more.

I've seen it in reverse as well.

Rapscallion

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you Rapscallion the thing is she's getting worse by the day and they keep lavishing things on her. Even when we were kids, she would ask for things and get them, and I never asked, so I never got. We were taught the same basics growing up, but they don't seem to have been as firm with her as they have with me That is not to my detriment, but to hers.

[Moirae]

Some people just never grow up. I know someone like her but am not directly related to her. Quite honestly, the only thing that will stop it is if the parents put their foot down, no matter how angry she is. That goes for the person I know, and for your sister too. Your sister can and will continue to live at home as long as she possibly can because she's too immature to handle the world. Its your parents job to make her stand up (or fall down) on her own two feet. She needs to learn to take care of herself because your parents can't and shouldn't take care of her her whole life.

[taxguykarl]

That is not to my detriment, but to hers.

EXACTLY!! She's the one with the problem not you. I recommed leaving this train wreck as soon as you wrap your studies and find a job that pays at least your expenses. If your sister wants to be a loser, fine...you don't have to be around for that nonsense. Mark my words, sooner or later she'll be pumping you for cash as well.

[Kanalah]

Oh and I forgot. My family is like the best example for this, totally.

If they continue to let her mooch, your sister will end up like my uncle/aunt. They both don't work, they have two kids and my grandmother raises thier kids for them. Meanwhile they've forced my grandmother out of her house and gotten her to pay for everything they want. Besides the $30,000 truck/trailer and $40,000 party boat, my aunt and uncle also have weekly massage/mani-pedis and each have a personal trainer. They live the high life, while my grandmother has to sponge off my mom to be able to pay her own bills.

Yeah, I'm the black sheep of my family. I pay for my own stuff and I take care of my own problems.

[Seshat]

The 29-year-old, because he was getting his Masters, and because teaching jobs were hard to find. He's been busy looking at places to rent, and will be moving out soon.

So far, fair enough. Assisting a child who is working hard at a goal that both parents and child deem worthwhile is fair enough, IMO.

They both treat my parents like shit--neither one helps them out with chores, and I've heard the "It's not my house" argument many times when I've been visiting.

And here's where it all comes crashing down. If you're living in the house, then doing a share of the chores and house maintenance is not 'helping out', it's 'doing your share of common tasks'.
It's the same with paying for things. Perhaps you're forgiven paying rent because you do X instead, but in that case you either do X, or you get a job and pay the bloody rent. (Or hire someone to do X, I guess.)

[protege]

Unfortunately, because my brothers pay my parents rent...they think that entitles them to treat our parents poorly. Their rent...is laughable. Doesn't stop them from whining about it.

After putting one of those fools--the 32-year-old--in his place, they don't whine to me about it. I dropped by one night, to see if my mom needed anything, and he was sitting at the kitchen table, whining about having to pay bills. Needless to say, I lost it. I said that my mortgage payment was *multiple* times what he paid for rent. Plus, I had to pay for my own utilities, home insurance, car payments, kitty vet bills, food, clothing, and anything else all on my own. So shut the fuck up, in other words

That hasn't been the only trouble spot. Both of my brothers are a tad annoyed that I ended up with my dad's sports car. Mainly, because my dad had originally said that each of us would get a 1/3 share in it. Then the engine finally went, and it was pushed into the garage. Then I turned 24...and my mom was asking me what I was going to do with "that goddamn car" rotting in her garage. So she handed me the keys on my birthday that year.

Granted, the car wasn't running, and had been stripped for repairs. But, it didn't stop my brothers from being *extremely* jealous about it. Dad eventually told them that it was only fair I ended up with it--I was the only "car guy" in the family, had spent hours reading up on them, taking the car to a bare shell, and (eventually) funded its restoration. He saw it as a reward--I'd worked my ass off since I was 10, and since my brothers wanted nothing to do with that car while I was working on it, thought I should get it.

I've also noticed, that they're a bit resentful of what I've been able to accomplish. Apparently, it's *my* fault that they chose to sit on their ass, while I chose to work for the things I wanted. Do I feel guilty about that? Fuck no.