Need A Diplomatic Way To Say.....

[Greenday]

I'm surprised that nobody mentioned the obvious. What's wrong with simply being honest with the guy?

To be fair, I mentioned the blunt direct approach the first page. Nobody seems to like that approach though. Comes off kinda harsh.

[blas]

Perhaps you were right all along with the blunt stuff.

After all, in every other aspect, I've been blunt and not held back with him, because I no longer cared if he wanted to pout or ignore me because he heard something he didn't like. High time he learned that that's what adults have to do everyday in life. Not that I was purposely being a jerk to him (even though he accused me of being "rude"), but a while back, it was like, ok, if he's going to be a baby, he can whine and pout and hide in his room and call in sick to work and pity party all he wants, and eventually, he's going to either never come out of hiding, or start to accept things as an adult as we have to.

Too bad you don't always get a re-do in important talks.

[Dips]

Funny thing is....my parents like him way more than the ex.

Yeah. For all his problems he's a HUGE step up from your ex.

I think, if you want to work on this relationship the the honest and forthright approach is best...

If he gets pouty about you not answering the phone or calling him: "Honey, you're reading way to much into that." Then change the subject. You don't have to justify yourself here.

The silent treatment (ugh): "I can see you're not ready to discuss this. Let me know when you are." Followed by completely ignoring his silence until he's decided to be ready to talk.

If he seems clingy or worried that you've stopped loving him because you didn't do x or y or he's unreasonably jealous of your other friends or family: "OK. I can see that's bothering you. But I'm still with you, right? If I didn't care we wouldn't even be discussing this right now." Again, no need to justify yourself for having people and interests outside of the relationship.

Those are only examples and may not be the best way to handle things verbatim. Basically you're reassuring him while refusing to acknowledge his negative behavior. Repeatedly. Even if he does change, it's not going to happen very quickly. He keeps it up because it probably works or has worked in the past. Or maybe his parents act like that and he thinks it's normal. Who knows? Nevertheless, it's extremely destructive to having a good adult relationship.

If things don't improve after time, it may be time for the come to Jesus meeting where you let him know you care a great deal about him but this behavior is a big problem. And if it continues you can't see the relationship going anywhere.

I'm going to reveal a secret. Mr. Dips was like that when we first started going out. Drove me nearly nuts. If there had been texting and facebook back then, maybe it would have killed the relationship. Even so, we broke up for a time over it, but ended up getting back together. And this year we'll celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.

Keep in mind I'm a near stranger on the internet. I don't have a stake in this situation. The best person to judge how to handle this is you.

I do wish you the best, no matter what happens.

[blas]

Dips, your advice actually sounds very familiar to a few things my mom said. Basically, it's acknowledging there is a problem without acknowledging or encouraging his bad behavior. Or, what I've called lately, is staying neutral. Instead of what you really want to do, which is say "Grow up and knock it the fuck off", which would feed the attention that person would desire so bad, you just say "I see I've upset you. Well, we can talk when you're ready to."

That and I do not ever say "It's ok" to the constant "I'm sorry"s. And you know what? As time has gone on, he has apologized for his own existance (not quite that literate, but you get what I mean) less and less. It's probably a mind game and stooping to his level a bit to refuse to give in to their desire for attention, but if you also notice, coddling, saying "It's ok" "No, it's alright", even "No need to apologize" is never good enough.

I just change the subject any time he starts the "I'm sorry" over whatever small offense he feels he's committed or whatever reassurance he's looking for, and he's gotten the hint enough where I see less and less "I'm sorry".

If only people could unlearn all kinds of bad behaviors they were raised/grew up watching in quicker time.

[Dips]

Dips, your advice actually sounds very familiar to a few things my mom said.

Considering that I'm probably old enough to be your mother...

If only people could unlearn all kinds of bad behaviors they were raised/grew up watching in quicker time.

AMEN!

[blas]

We had a mild emergency on my birthday because Oh NO, he got me the same thing my parents got me. I had texted him I got a new mp3 player and I didn't get a response for nearly 10 minutes, and when I said "Oook, what's wrong?" he said "Well I guess you don't need an Ipod now then do you?"

Seriously, I just cannot wrap my head around this sort of behavior. He didn't get upset with my family or anything, but he got really quiet, and started with his victim mentality attitude in his words and got all negative. Oh FFS.

I was not upset at all over the snafu itself. I said "It's not a big deal, things can be returned and exchanged. It's happened to everyone."