Is this normal?

[dragon_wings]

Chat helps, but I know they'll get tired of my whining.

Don't say that. Don't ever say that. We'll be there for you. Cause we love you.

[Seraph]

Kana? You start saying that we'll get tired of you, and I'll take that frozen fish from you, missy, and thwack you with it.

Never. Ever. EVER. Will we be like that.

We are your friends. We are here to support you.

Stop thinking that we will change on it. Because we won't. <gently thomps you on the head> We love you, Kana. :P (and sidenote to peds, NOT IN THAT WAY, in a bestie way)

Now, I don't suggest running straight off to a battered women's shelter, but I do recommend a more proactive approach, because the sooner you get things straightened out, the better for you, your family, and your health. That's all, and you can take my bull-in-a-china-shop's advice if you'd like, but really, never, EVER think that we are annoyed by you. Gawsh. :P

[Der Cute]

Actually hubby was the one that spent time with me and helped me to see some of the value in myself.

He doesn't yell at me and doesn't hit me. We do go back and forth occasionally with the snide comments.

My whole reason for making the post to begin with was because I have the Real Life people (and my gut) telling me that it's no big deal, just keep swimming. The Internet people are telling me to run to a battered women's shelter.

Ok. Did I say go run to a woman's shelter? No. I did not. I said CALL THE 1800 NUMBER. These people can help you understand what you've got, what you are feeling and to steer you in a direction for helping yourself. Who said you need to run tomorrow? No. I did not. I said if you're going to leave, get these things ready. These things will help you when/if you go. I'm sorry if you misunderstood me.

I just need to think of him like a cranky customer and make him behave. He forgets that I work my butt off all day too. I also know that I'm not perfect, and being constantly depressed doesn't make things better either.

"think of him like a cranky customer and make him behave" Uh. No. You cannot make HIM behave. Period. You can ASK and REQUEST AND PRESENT YOUR CASE but you cannot MAKE him do anything.

I know that I'm stressed out and I need to learn to relax.

"I know I'm stressed out and need to relax" Uh. As I said before, getting professional help with your anxiety and depression WILL help you relax. How are you relaxing now? What do you do to help yourself when you're upset? If you don't have the skill set /coping skills, you can't just pull them out of your ass. You use the pros to help you learn these and apply them to the situations needed.

I promised myself that if he so much as raises a hand to me or the kids, that I'm kicking him back to MIL's house.

Who says raising a hand is more severe than emotional abuse???? Go to www.thehotline.org, and read up on the different kinds of domestic abuse. Abuse doesn't mean flogging. Remember your childhood? That's a form of abuse.
Again. Look at your current situation. Do you want your kids in this soup? Assess the positives - what if he starts back up on his behavior and is better with it? Ok. Assess the negatives - what if he gets worse or just continues this shit?
What happens with the kids in this?

Also I do need to talk with a professional someone about being depressed all the time. Chat helps, but I know they'll get tired of my whining.

chat shmat. Chat anyways. But I agree you need a pro. As I said before, work on medications (your choice here) to stabilize your moods and get you up out of the pothole somewhat. Once you're up a bit, you can see your life with clarity. THEN (or during, actually) you work on counseling. This is a two-pronged approach which is the best (IMO) for working on mental stuff.

It's really hard to help yourself when your brain isn't processing stuff very well. I speak with experience. Trust me. BUT it is possible. Again, what are you willing to live with, what can you accept and just ignore, what makes you upset and what reaaaaallyy pisses you off? What are your approaches to this?

I"m kind of sorry I'm blunt, but I'm kind of not. If your OP is accurate, (which I believe it is) you best get to thinking.

[Jester]

Well the main problem is that he doesn't see my sewing as a *job*. Hobby yes, but apparently it's not a job until I make around the same amount he does. And that's not likely to happen anytime soon.

Your job is not only sewing, but raising the children and keeping the house. Which apparently he forgot. You are not making any INCOME at that, but you are doing that so that his and your children are raised right. He apparently has forgotten that this is a PARTNERSHIP, and if he is not going to lift a hand to help around the house, he damn well better not dismiss your contribution to the relationship and the household simply because your tax returns are less than his.

Also, if I am not mistaken, the income you DO generate from the sewing DOES benefit both the house and him. So he needs to pull the broomstick out of his ass and recognize the reality of the situation that he is conveniently ignoring.

When we first met - I was not allowed to speak in public or look at other people in the face.

Utter garbage. Your parents don't deserve the title if that is how they approached raising children.

If I try to talk to my family they either say "Well at least he doesn't beat you" or "Well you probably deserve it."

Perhaps your family DOES deserve to be beaten. Considering the way they treat you, I certainly wouldn't lose any tears over a public flogging or two of them.

You will have to be responsible for all the bills now that I'm not working."

One small thing...I think she should say "now that I'm not bringing in any income since I'm not sewing." Never for a moment give him the idea that keeping the house and raising the children and taking care of the yardwork is in some way not work. It is, and it is difficult, and he needs to come to grips with the reality of the fact that Kanalah works harder and longer than he does, and for little or no pay.

I was constantly told that I was bad and didn't deserve anything.

Your parents are revolting. As far as I can tell, the only good thing they ever contributed to the world was giving birth to you.

Never ever let the way they raised you make you believe what they said, and what they say. Fuck them. Preferably with a thresher.

Actually hubby was the one that spent time with me and helped me to see some of the value in myself.

Remind him of this, and how his recent behavior indicates that he seems to believe you have no value.

The Internet people are telling me to run to a battered women's shelter.

I just need to think of him like a cranky customer and make him behave.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. He probably is not the anti-Christ some people online may make him out to be, but he is also probably not as benign as you are making him out to be.

Is he emotionally abusive? I can't say. But I can say that he is clearly not emotionally supportive of you, and that he is fucking lazy ass for sitting on his ass while you work yours off.

Time for you to sit down and have a talk with him, and let him know that you have value, that you have a backbone, and that things need to change, and they need to change NOW.

[MaggieTheCat]

One small thing...I think she should say "now that I'm not bringing in any income since I'm not sewing." Never for a moment give him the idea that keeping the house and raising the children and taking care of the yardwork is in some way not work. It is, and it is difficult, and he needs to come to grips with the reality of the fact that Kanalah works harder and longer than he does, and for little or no pay.

Yes. That is a good point. That is basically what I meant, but Jester worded it better than I did. Good call, Jester.

[Kanalah]

Update!

Had a long talk with hubby last night after the kids were in bed.

I told him that I'm absolutely exhausted, and I feel like I have the lion's share of the work around the house. I told that he needs to help me with the housework and the kids and be more supportive. I showed him my schedule that I worked out. Thanks Iradney! And as he read it, his eyes got like this

So basically he had no idea of all the work that goes on in the house and together we sat down and worked up a new schedule.

Now he gets up and gets the kids dressed and I get to sleep in for 15 minutes. ( I am so not a morning person) Also he's going to help make dinner and clean up afterwords, and he's going to put the kids to bed.

I think the main problem was that - I don't ask for help. As a kid, I did all the housework, yardwork and cooking from age 12. So it's kinda wired in my head to *assume* that I will not have any help. Hubby is a bit scatterbrained, so I do need to ask when I need help.

Also I'm going to be getting some "days off" to just go spend the day just out doing whatever I feel like - no hubby or kids. And Saturday the light bulbs are getting fixed. The fixture is one of those evil ones where you have to be above it to change the bulbs. And he's going to start doing yardwork

Thanks again for the advice and support guys, you rock.

[dragon_wings]

Yay! I'm glad your talk with hubby went well.
Enjoy those days off. They're important to your mental health.

[FormerCallingCardRep]

There is a saying that I have kept telling myself since I escaped from my abusive first marriage that will probably help you. It goes like this:

Woman was created from the rib of man, not from his head to be above him, or from his foot to be walked upon, but from his side to be his equal, near his arm to be protected, near his heart to be loved.

Everytime I start feeling low I remind myself of this and it give me the strength to stand up for myself

[Aethian]

Glad to hear the talk went well. I was starting to get worried. I'm scatterbrained, dunno if I'm near his level but... I have a chore list that get reprinted every week. Every box needs to be checked off for my chore list. If every box is checked I get to splurg 20 bucks on anything. If I even miss one box, and I have to stay hard on myself I don't get the 20.

[ArcticChicken]

Good!!

I'm not saying this to bring you down, but you're probably gonna have to get on him again in a month or two. It's not that I think he'll do it on purpose, but new habits are very hard to develop, so you can't just let it slide if he backslides some.

I speak from my own experience here, I never had to do chores when I was a kid, so when my folks started me on helping around the house at 15 or so, I found it very difficult to remember. Of course, it didn't help that I was resentful of them for suddenly demanding I do an adults share of the chores at an adult level of competence, so I didn't want to do them, and whenever I could get away with it I skimped on them, or skipped them all together.

The point is, 10 years later I'm still struggling with making housework a habit. I'm much better than I was, but I'm still something of a slob.

[Victory Sabre]

I'm so glad that things worked out. Communication is key to a relationship, and I think it will make yours stronger.

[Jester]

I hope that this will serve as a reminder to some of our members that not every relationship that hits a rough patch is abusive, over, destructive, or in need of dissolution.

Marriage is not the "happily ever after" of the fairy tales. It takes hard work and will have problems. My parents, who I have spoken of highly on many occasions here, often got into yelling matches, and had disagreements and fights. It was normal. They still loved each other dearly, and my mother still misses my father terribly. My stepfather, who I think the world of, occasionally gets frustrated with my mother, and speaks sharpy or even loudly to her. And vice versa. Do I advise my mother to leave, to go to a shelter, to get out now? No. Why? Because this, too, is normal. Especially after a long time together, such as 24 years (my mom and dad) or 26 years (my mom and stepdad).

Kanalah's husband, while not perfect, seems to have just been lazy and/or inattentive to the situation. It happens. It seems that, once he was made aware of the situation, he jumped right in to try to make things better. And that is the way a relationship SHOULD work.

I don't want anyone here to infer that I am saying there are no abusive relationships. There are, and I have seen them in many ways and on many levels. And I'll be one of the first to jump in when I see such and get the abused partner help when I can. I am just saying that sometimes, when we have only part of the story, as is the norm online, we make snap judgments that may be far from the truth. And that is something that we should always be wary of.

[Solumina]

That is exactly why red flags are warning signs and not "OMG GET OUT NOW!!!". Sometimes things seem fairly atrocious but concerns about them are easily lifted once they are better examined, other times things that seem fairly benign or easy to live with are indicative of something truly awful.

Glad to know that things seem to be working well for you guys. I would recommend getting some couples counseling, if you can, as it seems that most of your problems seem to come from communication problems (your conditioning as a child not to speak up and him being unaware of the signs that you are struggling).

[Mishi]

Congrats on speaking up! I'm really glad that he listened and that things are going to get better. Just try to remember how important good communication is and how well it worked this time. I'm so proud of both of you for talking it out!

[morgana]

Yay for good news!