Getting Over Shyness

[Monica]

I have been shy most of m life. I was really quiet in school. My family is the people whom I can by myself with and not worry about what I should or should not say.

Getting a job as a cashier has helped me immensely. The job I have now requires me to answer the phone and help customers over the phone. This job helped me with my phone skills.

I still have the shyness, but it has improved at least 50% if not a little more from high school.

[Teysa]

First off, shyness is nothing to be embarrassed about. Anymore than having freckles or gap teeth would be. It's just part of who you are. That being said, if it's so bad that it's holding you back, then you do need to work on controlling it rather than letting it control you.

If I remember correctly, you used to work fast food. Unless you hid in the back and did dishes the entire shift, you did have to talk to people. That means you are capable of speaking to strangers when need be. Now you just need to remind yourself of that.

As for the blushing, I wouldn't be surprised if at least some of the boys you liked found it cute. When you do find the right man, it will just be something else that he'll find lovable.

[50 mission cap]

i second mooncats ideas. I have the same issues myself so may use of them.

[PawnPrincess Ardra]

The thing that helped me most to be able to talk to strangers was working with the public

This... a thousand times this. I was PAINFULLY shy until I worked at Blockbuster. I waitressed before, and it was a disaster (even though I stuck with it for 3 years ) and worked at a couple other customer-facing jobs, but for some reason, the video store really brought me out of my shell. I'm thinking that some people wish I was a little more back IN my shell now, but meh

Something that worked for someone I know... there's a Toastmasters group in town, and they started going to their meetings. I don't know if they are all over the place, or sporadically placed, but it might work?

[Kisa]

If I remember correctly, you used to work fast food. Unless you hid in the back and did dishes the entire shift, you did have to talk to people. That means you are capable of speaking to strangers when need be. Now you just need to remind yourself of that.

I can talk to people that I know are going to walk away, never to be seen again. Every so often, I'll talk to the same person more than once, we'll laugh, we'll have a nice time, we'll have a lot in common, I'll think we are going to be friends, and it will end at that. I'm supposedly a nice, funny, entertaining person who's easy to talk to and always listens, but no one wants to be my friend. They just want to waste a few hours talking to me.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I have to tell you...nobody really believes this, but it's true. I used to be painfully shy. Cripplingly shy.

I'm still shy. I can just overcome it now.

I really do attribute being in the SCA to helping me overcome that. It worked for me...I suspect any club or social organization will friendly people would probably serve the same purpose.

[MoonCat]

I can talk to people that I know are going to walk away, never to be seen again. Every so often, I'll talk to the same person more than once, we'll laugh, we'll have a nice time, we'll have a lot in common, I'll think we are going to be friends, and it will end at that. I'm supposedly a nice, funny, entertaining person who's easy to talk to and always listens, but no one wants to be my friend. They just want to waste a few hours talking to me.

Kisa, you're going to meet a lot of people in your life and the majority of them won't become your close friend. You might talk to them now and then, and yet they won't become close enough to be friends; they're more just casual acquaintances. Friendship doesn't happen all at once, it takes time. Some of those people might even feel the same way you do, but they're hiding it. They might walk away thinking the same thing: "Gee, she was friendly, but now that the conversation's over, I bet she's going to forget about me."

If you meet someone and have a good time talking and laughing, do you ever suggest meeting up at another time for coffee? It can be very hard to take that first step, I know; it feels like rejection if they say no. Again, there are lots of people in the world, and you won't get close to most of them. Sometimes you have to take a chance and hold out your hand, and be the first to suggest getting together. And if the first person says no, then you have to ask another one. And so on.

For what it's worth, I think you're a nice person, very talented, and with a lot to give. You deserve to have friends. I hope some of the suggestions on the board will help.

[Jester]

Kisa, you may not believe me, but I used to be a bit of an introvert. Not as painfully shy as you are, to be honest, since I was the class clown, but honestly, until my junior year of high school, I was pretty introverted.

As they say on late night tv, "But wait...there's more!" Because you see, while I am about as gregarious and outgoing as they come--and I am--the fact is that even to this day, there are times I have trouble talking to a girl I am interested in. Well, not necessarily talking to her--I can talk just about anyone's ear off--but moving the conversation in the direction of "let's go do something." And it gets worse. Because I have no opening game. None. Zero. Zip. If I see a cute girl across the bar, I have pretty much no opening, no introduction, nothing. I can close, but I can't open, if you'll pardon the salesman lingo. To put it bluntly, and in a way that you will relate to, when it involves a girl I'm interested in, I quite often have no idea what to say to her to get a conversation going.

(This is actually not true if I'm hungover. On a hangover, I'll say anything to anyone, and not give a flying fuck. And that has introduced me to a few interesting women. Perhaps I should work on getting more hangovers, rather than less......)

Back to your situation, Kisa, I honestly want to walk up to you, say "let's go!" and just walk up to the dude in question in your class and say, "Hey dude, what's up? I'm Jester. How ya doin'?" And after a quick back-and-forth, "...oh, and by the way, this is my good friend Kisa." I would LOVE to be your wing man, K. I am a great wing man. It's just a damn shame none of my friends are as good at that for me as I am for others.

(Not boasting here, just stating facts....one night got 7 people laid, and I wasn't one of them. Actually, 14 people if you think about it, but I was only hanging with 7 of them.)

I am physically incapable of talking to him.

No, you're not.

You may FEEL like you're physically incapable of talking to him. But at most, you are psychologically incapable of it. There is nothing deficient or wrong with you physically that would prevent you from doing this. Basically, kiddo, it's not your body that is stopping you, but your brain.

It's not just him either. I don't have any friends because I'm quiet and people don't talk to me, so I don't talk to them. I want to get over this and be a normal person with friends and a boyfriend, but I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You only feel like you can't. You need to rewire yourself.

And don't say "I can't." Bullshit. It can be done. People do it all the time. *I* did it. I went from being a somewhat introverted nerd-o-rama child (albeit it rather amusing class clown as well) to DJing weddings, being a professional magician, and DJing at a clothing optional freakin' bar.

I "knew" in high school I would never get a date. Before high school was over, I had dated the hottest girl in school, and I have been blessed in my life to have been involved with a few amazing women.

I "knew" in high school that I was clumsy and awkward. I also "knew" that I could never be a professional magician, because while I have the personality for it (duh), I could never do that sleight of hand stuff. Guess what? I've been a professional magician for 12 years.

I "knew" earlier in life that I would never have a woman fall in love with me. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong.

And so are you.

You can change.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's a "can't" vs. "won't" issue. I know that you honestly believe that you can't change, that you can't talk to this guy, that you can't make friends. The problem is not your ability, but your belief.

So you need to change your belief.

Is it easy? No. It is doable?

I was the kid most likely to be locked in a locker by the jocks in high school. (Actually, I was second on that list, but you know what I mean.) These days, I scare the living crap out of those same jocks if/when they date my nieces. And they are still much larger than me. Think about THAT dynamic for a moment.

I physically can't talk to people. I get nervous and scared and I make myself feel like crap until I convince myself that no one will ever enjoy my company, so why bother.

Thank you for proving my point.

See, it's not that you physically can't do it. It's that your mind is telling you that it's not worth it to try.

Your mind is wrong.

You believe no one will enjoy your company. Well, look around this forum. You have lots of people going to great lengths to try to help you get over your problem.

Do you honestly think we'd do that if we thought you were some lameass wench not worthy of our time and effort?

Yes, it's scary to talk to new people. Yes, there is a chance they won't be interested in you as a person, as a friend, as a date. But there's also a chance they will. And I can speak from personal experience that that chance is fucking worth it. It's worth every bit of that fear and pain and uncertainty. Finding those friends is worth 100 of those people who you never see again, for whatever reason.

Rejection sucks, darlin', whether it's romantic or just social. You know what sucks more than rejection?

Loneliness. And feeling like no one will like you.

If you can find it in you to jump that psychological hurdle--and I believe you can--you will discover how wrong you were, how mistaken you were to think that it's not worth your effort to put yourself out there, to face your fears, to talk to people you don't know.

Yes, it's scary. But do you enjoy your current situation? Do you like feeling so alone? I never did. I still don't. And neither should you.

It won't be easy. It won't be simple. There will probably be many rejections. That is the nature of life.

But darlin', I promise you, it will be worth it.

Some people have told me to just go talk to someone, but it's impossible for me. With potentail friends, I worry that they will wonder why I'm talking to them. With potential boyfriends, I'm afraid that I will start blushing and they will laugh at me. I want to be normal, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas?

Again, not impossible. Difficult, not impossible.
Drinking a beer through your big toe is impossible.
Talking to someone when it makes you feel awkward is simply difficult.

And stop trying to be "normal." There is no such thing.

Secret time: EVERYONE has the same fears you have. Some more than others, clearly. But we are all insecure beings, wandering around wondering what the hell is going on, is this person going to like me, what are the chances that that cutie is interested in me, and so on and so on.

So don't worry about what other people think of as "normal." FUCK NORMAL. Normal blows chunks. I spent many years as a teen trying to be "normal" and trying to get people to like me. You know what those years got me? More ridicule and more ostracization. So I stopped trying to be normal, and worked on just being me, come what may. And you know what happened? Suddenly people wanted to be around me, to date me, to be my friends? Not because I was "Oh Mighty Jester, Awesomeness Personified." (I'm not.) But because I was being sincere, honest, me. Sure, a lot of people didn't like the real me. I had a simple philosophy about those people: fuck 'em. I was done playing a part and being fake.

And so I'm telling you, fuck normal. Just be Kisa. And fuck people who don't like who Kisa is. There will be some, I tell you. But there will also be those who like Kisa, who want to be friends with Kisa, who even want to date Kisa. Some of them may even be like the guy in your class that you are mooning over.

By the way, you know what else being YOU gets you? Confidence. Because you're no longer trying to be someone you're not, or something you're not. "But that won't happen." Yes it will. It did, it does, and it will. "But I'm different than you." Thank goodness for that! But that makes no difference, because it works. Not just for outgoing overly verbose assholes like me. But for people in general. Shy, outgoing, tall, short, skinny, fat, pretty much everyone. (Except my ex. Because she's the devil.)

I can't smile naturally All my smiles are forced, crooked, and awkward. I'd like to be able to say hi to the guy I like, but I can't come withing 5 feet of him and I can't make eye contact. I'm a messed up person...

So WHAT? Who ISN'T messed up? Everyone who is messed up, please raise your hand!

Wow, the whole room? Imagine that.

"But EVERYONE can't be messed up." You're right. They can't. And they're not. But everyone THINKS they're messed up. All of us do. In that sense you are very normal, obnoxiously normal. "But I really am messed up." No. You're not. You're a very sweet, painfully shy, sensitive girl who has yet to discover the true power she's locking away inside herself.

And you're smile's awkward. So what? My smile is comedically, perhaps even tragically awkward. And yet it's something I've gotten so many compliments on. Because it's honest. It's real. It's mine.

Someone doesn't like your smile? Fuck 'em.
Someone doesn't like your sense of humor? Fuck 'em.
Someone doesn't like the fact that you don't like the bar scene? Fuck 'em.

And now something none of you ever thought you'd see me say.....

I'm going to throw out some advice here that some of you may not like. I'm aware of the problems some people face with this, but when properly used, it is a useful tool.

I would like to suggest you use booze.

I am one of the most notorious booze hounds on this website. I am a self-described drunk who loves to party, and loves good spirits.

And I think The Shadow is dead wrong here.

Yes, booze can be a good tool. Yes, booze can lower inhibitions. Yes, booze has its places. (Usually in my glass.)

But in Kisa's case, I think this would be the worst thing ever. And I have two reasons for this.

1. She has made it clear she's not into the bar scene, and I infer from that that she is not much of a drinker. So she might not really know how to use that tool all that well, and this could cause much disaster for her if she tried it. It's no different than giving mechanic's tools to someone who doesn't know dick about cars (like, say, ME) and telling them to go fix their car. At best, they won't do anything. At worst, they're gonna mess up their car.

2. Her using booze to get over her shyness would only work temporarily, while she's drinking. And then when she is sober again, she would revert back to her current shyness. And that's the best case scenario. It could be worse. She could get far too drunk, and do things she normally wouldn't do. Lowering inhibitions as The Shadow said. The problem with that is, with someone that shy, chances are good that if they remembered what they did while drunk, they would be so embarrassed, it might drive them deeper into their shell. Alternatively, they might forget what they did while drunk....and then you've lost the whole point of using that tool.

So here's the thing: Blushing won't hurt you, either, and lots of people think it's cute.

One of the guilty ones right here!

It sometimes help to think about what you want to say, and even practice saying it, before you say it. Just try not to freak out if the conversation goes off script.

And sometimes it's good to just forget the script completely, and stop worrying about what you're gonna say. Just say what's on your mind. Don't stress over the proper way to phrase it, what they're reaction might be, or whether or not you look silly in that purple shade of lipstick. (And by the way, Rapscallion really does look silly with purple lipstick. Just saying.) Just walk up and say something. Hello is a good starter, and than just go with the flow. Sure, you might think you sound like a blithering idiot. Odds are heavily in favor of you thinking that far more than anyone hearing you speak thinking it.

I'm supposedly a nice, funny, entertaining person who's easy to talk to and always listens, but no one wants to be my friend.

And you know this...how, exactly? Because you can read minds?

Ohhhh...because you never hear from them again.

Well, shit happens. And perhaps they are waiting for you to get back to them. And perhaps this, that, the other, or the mother. Who knows? Stop caring!

If everyone in the world is so uncaring and so uninterested in getting to know you, answer me one small, minor insignificant little question:


How come so many people here took time out of their day to give you advice about this?

[Kisa]

I've been seeing a councellor to help with my stress problems. This last visit, she told me I don't just have low confidence, but NO confidence. My birth father was a mean druck who had no problem venting his rage on whatever he felt was the source of it; phones, furniture, appliances, childrens toys, me. He left my life at age 5 and was replaced by my stepdad. My stepdad is a moody drunk who made a point to make everyone feel like crap at least 4 times daily. Anything I did right was because of him, anything I did wrong was my own fault. I never got credit for anything good I did. Whenever I had a friend over, my friend would have to face my grumpy, moody, verbally abusive father. When I went to a friend's house, I was yelled at for never staying home. Soon, I gave up on hanging out with friends and just stayed home to do my duty like a good little slave.

He's gone now, but 20 years of being told you aren't good enough really hurt my self confidence. She said it will take a lot of time and work, but I can be fixed.

I'm going to join some sort of club or group to meet new people and practice talking to them. I also have to think of nice things to say to myself daily.

Ok...:
-I'm smart
-I'm a good cook
-I have a whole site of people who care about me
-I'm creative

[Moirae]

I know the feeling, and I have worked in customer service since I was 12 (I'm 36 now). Though I have to say, its not as bad for me. I've learned how to talk to customers, but its so different.

I don't have friends because I quite honestly don't know how to make actual friends. I can only count two friends of my own in my life, and I talk to them mostly by facebook. One I haven't talked to in at least 6 years. The other I talk to maybe every year or so.

Its hard to ask people to go do stuff, it just feels awkward to me. Me being such an introvert doesn't help because I'm not the type to party or anything, I'd rather stay home and play video games.

I much prefer using the internet. The problem there is that I have a tendency to be extremely honest (I hold honesty to be the most important trait in the world) and people do NOT like that.

I'm also sensitive. I intensely care about people. With the amount that I love science, I'd do well as a nurse, except that I have a seriously hard problem seeing the suffering in doctors offices and hospitals, and its hard to know that alot of those people can't be helped. I will be honest, I have considered becoming a politician to help people because I can't see any better way than to start from the top, but I don't know where to start or how to get the money.

Strange that I have such a hard time talking to them and making friends, yet I really do care about the suffering I see around me and want to help. To be honest, in general I don't like people, yet I really want to help them.

I can handle a crowd for max two hours, and then I need to get out before I start to panic. Trying to network for my business is incredibly hard for me, though I surprised myself last week and managed to get through an hour and a half of networking at a womens only event for the Chamber of Commerce (and got one heck of alot of contacts and business cards because of it). Its been days and I still can't believe I did it. Usually I have my husband with me to be a wing man. He starts conversations for me at these things and keeps the conversation when I can't think of what to say. He says that what I have is the equivalent to stage fright since I get embarrassed and really tongue tied and even giggly.

I know, its insane.

Really, the Chamber of Commerce stuff is helping me learn to talk to people. Will I ever have real friends or my own? No idea. But I'm getting less tongue tied and embarrassed than I used to.

I think the others have made great suggestions about getting involved in clubs. Especially the clubs that are for nerds and geeks because most people in those clubs are shy and introverts anyway. It helps to be among your own kind.

One of the reasons I always like to go to Dragon Con every year is because I'm around people just like me. It really makes things alot easier.

[Teysa]

It sounds like you're making progress. Joining the clubs is a good start. Talking to a counselor is another start. Just don't expect to change overnight.

I do understand about being painfully shy. I remember coming home from a youth group activity in tears because I had wanted to talk to the other kids, but I got so tongue tied I couldn't. It's a horrible feeling. ( I really hadn't been that interested in going, but my dad made me in the hopes of getting me out of my shell.)

It's only been in recent years that I've truly started to come out of my shell. Joining the choir at church helped a lot. Working in Alaska for the summer helped tons too. In fact, I enjoyed it so much I'll hopefully be going back next summer.

Speaking of which, something like that might be good for you. They hire lots of college students and will work with your school schedule if you need to start later and leave earlier. PM me if you want more information.