Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[JoitheArtist]

I am not allowed to impersonate the customers. My supervisor does a fantastic job of it, and will not share the limelight.

Not allowed to call irrational grouchy SCs Daleks.

Not allowed to dance when "Free Ride" or "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" come on the radio, but boss is allowed to dance to "Wild Thing."

probably not allowed to read bits of this list to coworkers. Even when it makes them laugh hysterically.

Am allowed to wear funny hats.

[edible_hat]

Not allowed to sing "Flintlock Glock" by Captan Dan and the Scurty Crew when customers are around.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I am not allowed to...

...use the glue station cleaning napkins to give coworkers Rorschach tests.

...don a Marilyn Monroe wig and claim that it's a custom-made hairnet.

...wear a V for Vendetta Guy Fawkes mask and claim that it's a custom-made beard cover.

...take a fiber-optic cable spool, and dress it up with a hairnet, a little drawn-on face, ear plugs jammed into the foam approximately where the ears would be, and safety glasses, and have it keep me company the way Tom Hanks did with that volleyball.

...giggle every time someone says the mold techs are cleaning the screw again.

[Shangri-laschild]

I am not allowed to have a tazer to use on the students. Or faculty.
I am not allowed to tell the officers what I think would 'take care of the problem'
I (and the officers) am not allowed to do a drive by on the skunk to get rid of it without getting scented.

[Darkwish]

I am no longer allowed to...

... replace the hold music with the soundtrack to the South Park movie.
... or a porno movie.
... or death metal.
... or Barney the purple dinosaur.

... bring dessert for the team pot luck meetings.
... especially if it has tentacles.
... or anything at all that has tentacles.
... also not allowed to donate to any bake sales.

... when the bloodmobile shows up for the quarterly blood drive, I am not allowed to accuse the workers of being vampires.
... or ask if they're doing taste tests.

... when a coworker asks me something, I am not allowed to just sit there and stare at them with an evil grin.
... nor am I allowed to charge them fees for work related things.
... especially if it's the supervisor.
... even if I accept most forms of payment.

... I am not allowed to use the parental controls on the TV in the break room to block channels.
... especially if it's a sports channel. (note: I hate sports)
... even more so if it's on superbowl sunday.

... I am not allowed to give the company computers a glass of water.
... even if they look thirsty.
... or if it's a method of torture to convince them to work properly.
... nor am I allowed to torture IT personel for the same reasons.

... a sledge hammer and a crowbar are not company approved IT tools.
... neither is a tire iron.
... I am also not allowed to get "creative" with the tools that ARE approved.

[lordlundar]

... I am not allowed to use the parental controls on the TV in the break room to block channels.
... especially if it's a sports channel. (note: I hate sports)
... even more so if it's on superbowl sunday.

I can see this one actually. It's kinda hard to replace a lot of people who are in jail for your murder.

... a sledge hammer and a crowbar are not company approved IT tools.
... neither is a tire iron.
... I am also not allowed to get "creative" with the tools that ARE approved.

Now this just isn't fair of the company refusing known IT tools saying they're not "company approved".

[Darkwish]

I can see this one actually. It's kinda hard to replace a lot of people who are in jail for your murder.

True, but it might be worth it!

Now this just isn't fair of the company refusing known IT tools saying they're not "company approved".

I agree. At least they didn't make me get rid of my steel toed shoes... even after I kicked a computer for several minutes until it started working again...

Gotta teach those computers who's in charge!

[AKWalMartCartGuy]

if management was smart they would set the code for the parental controls themselves and only have management be able to have access to the code

[Bagboy]

1.)No jumping from Rack to rack in the back room
2.)No eating damaged food
3.)No playing in trailer
4.)Don't play with frying oil in Deli.
5.)The pineapple corer is not to be used on meat
6.)Don't question the grocery manager
7.)No singing of Tom Petty songs
8.)You cannot use paper towels to clean spills
9.)No weather talk in the breakroom
10.)You cannot walk down the liquor aisle making fantasy purchases.
11.)No riding the forklift
12.)no throwing things on the bug zappers.
13.)You cannot talk about Provincetown
14.)no sitting in the grease trap
15.)don't throw mice into the trash compactor
16.)No discussing current events
17.)Don't talk to the office checkers.
18.)Gossip is ok, as long as the person being discussed is off.
19.)Don't ever talk to the manager, he/she is too "Busy"
20.)You cannot eat potato chips in the break room
21.) All porn mags are to be kept in the back room for "personal use"
22.) No laughing at adult diapers.
23.)Do not let the manager catch you drinking coke
24.) do not laugh
25.) use broken tools only
26.) Do not listen to music
27.) Don't mess with lightbulbs

[the_std]

I am not...
... Allowed to answer the phone, "Department of Justice, how can I convict you?"
... Allowed to answer the phone by screaming, saying, "HE'S GOT A GUN!" and disconnecting.
... Allowed to write inspirational messages on the lawyers incoming mail, such as "You'll have a good day today, because Mars is in the second house!"
... Allowed to tell people who ask for legal representation from the courts, "Well... There's Larry, but he's usually chained up in the basement. Want me to let him free?"
... Allowed to post on anarchistic websites during company time about how "The Man" deserves to be taken down, and plot about the destruction of government buildings. (I was joking about that one.)
... I AM allowed to describe, in detail, the medical process of a vasectomy, while there are guests waiting to see the lawyers. My boss thought it was highly educational. *shrug*
... Allowed to use the empty paper boxes to construct a "fort of silence" behind my desk.
... Allowed to tell the crazies who call in to tell me that the CIA is watching them that, "oh shit, you caught on? Hey Charlie! Operation Redundant is up! Burn the files and run!"
... Allowed to fall asleep between the outgoing mail (3pm) and closing time (5pm), in full view of anyone who wishes to visit our office, even though I NEVER have anything to do.
... Allowed to eat my home made triple-garlic bread while at my desk, then have lengthy discussions with three new Federal Ministers who happen to be visiting.
... Especially within three feet of them.

Oigh. Government work.

[Becks]

I'm not allowed to start a drinking game at work.

Even if we're using water instead of alcohol.

[edible_hat]

The people who work in the not-KFC next door aren't allowed to:

-drop things into the fryer from a great height
-deep fry an entire leg of ham

None of us are allowed to make up a nickname for the new guy until he's worked with us for at least a month.

[edible_hat]

We're no longer allowed to eat where customers might see us. Apparently seeing a retail drone eating reminds SCs that we are human and they get offended.

[daleduke17]

I am not allowed to have a tazer to use on the students. Or faculty.
I am not allowed to tell the officers what I think would 'take care of the problem'

Same here. Although I do offer suggestions to the officers here, they just don't take me up on the ideas. :-/

[Shangri-laschild]

Same here. Although I do offer suggestions to the officers here, they just don't take me up on the ideas. :-/

Do they give you funny looks for it or just laugh?

I am not allowed to
-forget my knife at home (as Chief is always asking to use it)
-misuse office equipment
-get a tranq gun for the students
-stage a coup to get a better office/more respect
-even if it would be awesome