Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When a photographer--scratch that, photojournalist--from the local birdcage-liner newspaper comes in to take pictures of shoppers browsing our Halloween items as part of a story of theirs, and asks me what my job title is, an appropriate response is not any of the following:

• Peon
• Piss-on
• Replaceable Cog
• Minion
• Gopher
• Everybody's Bitch But My Own
• Warm Body
• Worker Bee
• Drone #2675847-5B82W

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When a bunch of reed diffusers come in on the truck, and several of them turn out to be broken, do not hold the scented oil-sodden boxes over your co-workers' heads and get smelly oil all over them.

Also do not mention that all the broken reed diffusers make the backroom smell like a whorehouse.

When a co-worker asks you how you know what a whorehouse smells like, don't respond "Well, I visited your mother this one time...."

Do not theorize that with all the broken reed diffusers in the backroom, you could fart and nobody would ever know.

Do not make any attempt to test this theory.

[fireheart]

Also do not mention that all the broken reed diffusers make the backroom smell like a whorehouse.

When a co-worker asks you how you know what a whorehouse smells like, don't respond "Well, I visited your mother this one time...."

.

So what does a whorehouse smell like?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So what does a whorehouse smell like?

Very, very perfumey. Headache-inducingly perfumey.

How do I know, you say? Well, this one time I was (I'll stop now).

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to set off the dancing christmas toys. even though they play "upbeat" versions of Christmas or Elvis songs.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I am not allowed to set off the dancing christmas toys. even though they play "upbeat" versions of Christmas or Elvis songs.

Speaking of which, I'm not allowed to remove the batteries out of any said toys that come in during the holidays . . .ditto for throwing them out into the middle of the road and letting them get hit by oncoming traffic.

Who knew?

[Plank]

When a photographer--scratch that, photojournalist--from the local birdcage-liner newspaper comes in to take pictures of shoppers browsing our Halloween items as part of a story of theirs, and asks me what my job title is, an appropriate response is not any of the following:

• Peon
• Piss-on
• Replaceable Cog
• Minion
• Gopher
• Everybody's Bitch But My Own
• Warm Body
• Worker Bee
• Drone #2675847-5B82W

other suggestions to 'avoid':

* pleb
* expendable sack of carbon
* underling
* punch bag
* room humidifier
* doorstop
* abuse recepticle
* miscellaneous meat

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to do ANY of the things a friend of mine sent me on an email at work.

This includes dry-humping the photocopier.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

I am not allowed to sing the Panda Song.

Especially not while on the phone or clients are in the office.

Ditto with the Blood Song.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I am not allowed to sing "alternative" Christmas carols. So no "Jingle bells, Batman smells" or "Rusty Chevrolet" by Da Yoopers (sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

And no singing the Bob and Doug McKenzie version of The Twelve Days of Christmas ("And a beer in a tree...")

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I am not allowed to sing "alternative" Christmas carols. So no "Jingle bells, Batman smells" or "Rusty Chevrolet" by Da Yoopers (sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

And no singing the Bob and Doug McKenzie version of The Twelve Days of Christmas ("And a beer in a tree...")

I guess the same holds true for the Jeff Foxworthy version of the 12 Days of Christmas and Achmed's Jingle Bombs.

Just take all my fun away why don't ya?

[fireheart]

Not to mention the naughty versions of "I saw mummy kissing Santa claus?" (not the Michael Jackson version that IPF did, either I Saw Mummy F***ing Santa Claus or I Saw daddy Kissing Santa Claus) or "Frosty the Snowman." (which I am NOW going to have in my head for the rest of the week....)_

[BeeMused]

I'm not allowed to make Monthy Python references, this includes throwing The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at employees, for they are not the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

Employees are not allowed to steal the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and throw it at me, for I am not the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog either.

O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.

[Ghel]

I may not bring Winter-een-mas decorations in to work.
... or Agnostica.
... or Saturnalia.

[Hobbs]

When a customer asks if I'm open, I cannot say, "No, I am a meat popsicle."

BeeMused reminded me of a ROTC no-no.

The Holy Hand Grenade is not in the Air Force's arsenal.