Corporate buzz words that piss you off

[BlaqueKatt]

And a special Lifetime Non-Achievement Award to anyone who uses the word "matrix" to describe a freaking Excel spreadsheet.

yay can I get a shiny one

My job has a "Courtesy credit Matrix" and yes it's a spreadsheet-and we're required to call it that

[PuckishOne]

Aww, BlaqueKatt, what you get is a sympathy hug and a tasty cookie, since I know it's not your fault you have to say that.

[Freemage]

Incentivize, and its bastard step-child disincentivize. Frighteningly, these have escaped the boardroom and are now beginning to appear in newspaper columns about other issues--in particular, the great immigration debate.

As far as I'm concerned, using "disincentivize" in a sentence should be grounds for immediate deportation.

[tropicsgoddess]

Lame Corporate Buzzwords

If there is one corporate buzzword that I think is getting really old to constantly hear is "branding". Ugh. QA and Management always talk about us phone peons "branding" our calls. Worse was during my brief stint in retail as a seasonal clothing sales floor associate, my manager (who was a perfectionist) would always harp on us "branding" our sections whenever we closed the store.

[Horsetuna]

Being as I work in a mac store...

does the 'i' stuff count?

So far, I've seen ilife, iMac, iPhoto, iTunes, iFish, iLap (A laptop pillow)... I think there's even a fancy word for laptop-trays too.

I've sometimes wanted to get a shirt with an apple on it or something and call it my 'iShirt'... or make a comment about my i-Glasses.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Being as I work in a mac store...

does the 'i' stuff count?

So far, I've seen ilife, iMac, iPhoto, iTunes, iFish, iLap (A laptop pillow)... I think there's even a fancy word for laptop-trays too.

I've sometimes wanted to get a shirt with an apple on it or something and call it my 'iShirt'... or make a comment about my i-Glasses.

There was a fairly recent Retail comic strip featuring an elderly couple perusing the Izod shirts and asking if that was the clothing line put out by Apple and if the sweaters played music.

I'd link to it but the archive only goes back a month, so it would be gone from the archive before too long.

[Naaman]

Customer.

I'm sorry, we deal with Injuried Parties (victim/survivor of crime) and Offenders, we do not have customers, that implies they are purchasing our goods/services.

Been on the end of that after a burglary. Had a Sergeant call me up with a "Customer satisfaction survey".

Now to me "Customer" implies that I could have shopped around for a better service...

[Pezzle]

From my last few jobs:

Customer Shopping Experience
Complete Customer Journey
The Total Package Experience
Service Plan (I got in trouble for saying "Extended Warranty")
Customer Needs Fulfillment (Since when is having a blu ray dvd player a 'need'?)

Etc etc... acronyms and specifics that got old:

ALP (Ask Listen Personalize)
PSP (Performance Service Plan)
DPEN (Dollar Penetration, or margin)
NOP (No idea, but i know it has somethign to do with marginable to non-profitable item ratio)
And finally: The North Star [Journey] (points to all you red boxers who get this one)

You wouldn't believe it. if those terms were on corporate bingo I'd win 5 times in per morning meeting.

[XCashier]

There was a fairly recent Retail comic strip featuring an elderly couple perusing the Izod shirts and asking if that was the clothing line put out by Apple and if the sweaters played music.

Here you go: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/re...?date=20071213

PS: All you have to do is change the date in the address line and you'll get any strip you like: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/re...?date=20060101

[GolfCart34]

This doesn't affect me directly since I don't work for a car dealership, but for some reason I really hate hearing of "sales events" and "sales opportunities." It's a FREAKIN' SALE so just call it that. I love Volkswagen since they are poking fun at some of those high end commercials. Like the "Sign then Drive" event since obviously a "Sign and Drive" event didn't go over so well.

[DarthRetard]

Our Regional big guy is a big fan of the phrase "Building The Basket"

Pisses us off, honestly, it does.

[coldcupofjoe]

one thing thats starting to bug me is that we don't have customers. We have guests. I guess people are just popping in to say hi and I just feel like changing their oil.

Oh and the money they pay us? Its a gift.

[chops]

one thing thats starting to bug me is that we don't have customers. We have guests. I guess people are just popping in to say hi and I just feel like changing their oil.

Same deal when I was selling cars. Which reminds me...the first sales manager I dealt with, the one who hired me, went through this big speech when he was training us. The phrase he kept repeating was "drinking the Kool-Aid."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Here's a good one from my early years at the store--"CVP"

CVP stood for "comprehensive value position". It basically meant the same thing as "customer experience", except it lent itself more conveniently to an alliterative acronym.

For about a year the managers would tell us every day "Now let's go and deliver a great CVP today!" We also were drilled on what the term CVP meant, in case a corporate suit should ask us. Basically it meant "make the shopper's trip as little of a baffling ordeal as we can"

[RecoveringKinkoid]

The term "co worker" used in the Kinko's context kind of annoys me, too. It's a misuse of the word. Wal mart employees are "associates", Disneyworld employees are "cast members" and Kinkoids are called "coworkers" for some very poorly thought out reason. Yeah, they are coworkers. TO EACH OTHER. To expect a customer to call us "co workers" is just plain assinine, as is referring to us as such. "Which co worker took your order, ma'am?" Dumb!

Of course, the Kinko's mission statement used to be "Work, Love, Play", too, so I guess I can't expect much.