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I was at WalMart this weekend to snag a few things to take back to the dorm with me, since I had the weekend off. I go to checkout and I'm stuck behind this lady who has $300 worth of toys and electronics in her cart. To try and make pleasant conversation (so she wouldn't see me oggling at her cart to try and get ideas for Christmas) I ask "Christmas shopping?"
"Oh yes," she says. "Better to get it done now than later." She glances at my tiny stockpile of noodle soup, a jacket, shampoo, hair gel, and Kashi bars. "College student? What year?"
How the heck she guessed that I shall never know(the noodles gave it away?), but whatev. "Junior," I tell her. The cashier announces the woman's total, thus ending our conversation before she can ask about the Sox and the games as of late. She pulls out a gift card. Cashier takes it, says she still owes another $200. Woman glances at me and says "Oh, she's paying."
Wait a minute...WTF? I never said that! Hell, I don't even know you! "I never said that", I say, and the cashier nods. Any of my thoughts are in (), these were never actually said (though I wish I did, I was about to lose it big time)
"Sure you did, while we were talking a moment ago."
(Okay, kids, read that whole dialogue up there. See anything there that mentions I'd pay this lady's tab? No? Good. You shouldn't, cause I didn't.)
"Please, I just got through Hurricane Ike..." I bite back a slight snicker
(Oh no you didn't just do that. Ike was down south, Texas and the Gulf Coast. Cape Cod's an hour away from here at most. I don't think we even got the remains of the storm. That trump card's not gonna work.)
"It's the Christian thing to do!" she yells. Still I don't budge. My temple's throbbing at this point.
(Look, I'm not gonna even point to the pentacle 'round my neck, windbag. Never mind that, but I've heard that excuse so many times I wonder what is Christian anymore. It's one thing to donate a dollar or two here and there. You want me to wipe my bank account clean.)
"You're so stingy!" She's bellowing at me now since I still refuse to take out my card and swipe it for her.
(Uh...I just said the bank's closed, I'm done 'donating'. I've donated to the Jimmy Fund, Susan G. Komen, etc. all month. And while it wasn't more than a couple bucks at a time, it wasn't a three-digit figure like you're asking. I'd act differently if someone was short a few coins because I hate lugging change around.)
"You're a college student, you can afford it!"
(Say that again? I'm in COLLEGE. I barely have enough on my own for room and board, tuition, fees, etc. I'm getting loans for that. Anything else I can scrape together buys me food, clothes, and gas for field study. I'll be stuck paying off those loans after I graduate.)
Someone taps me on my shoulder and I jump a mile high. The gentleman in the lane next to mine whispers "Switch with me." Apparently he was next in line at the other lane, and wants me to jump lanes so I can get out of here before she rips me a new one for her "charity". Bless his soul. I thank him and move my purchases over to the other lane. The people behind me didn't utter a peep about me line jumping, hoping batshit crazy lady across the way would finally shut up.
Then I let it slip: Under my breath I muttered "Thank GAWD" as the new cashier went through my purchases. BSCL must have supersonic hearing cuz boy did she hear me.
"I HEARD THAT! YOU ARE CHRISTIAN! GET BACK HERE!"
Now, I don't think I've ever seen a cashier scan quite as fast as this one did ( I swear he did it in under 20 seconds), but yowza. I pay with my debit card, grab my bags, and shoot outta there. Well lo and behold BSCL follows me out, demanding I come back. As I leave I can see the greeter out of the corner of my eye on his cell phone. I later learned he called for help.
I make it to my car, toss my things in back, start it up, and start to back out when I hear banging on my trunk. She's found me, and now I'm stuck. I see what looks like a notepad: I can't believe this. She's writing down bits of info about my car!
So now I'm uber stuck. I can't back up, she's standing right there and I'll run her over if I do. I can't go forward, there's an island thing right there and I drive a Hyundai Accent, not a moon rover. Can't go to either side as two SUVs are parked. I turn the car off but keep it locked.
I hear sirens, and a small part of me gives thanks to whatever higher power summoned them (or in this case the greeter). Myself, along with several witnesses and the two cashiers and a CSR relay the whole incident. Turns out this isn't her first offense for doing so, so she gets to go for a ride and meet some new friends downtown. CSR hounds me to come back inside and my manager would "compensate" for my "inconvenience" but I declined. In all honesty I just wanted to go home and pour a stiff one and have a soak in the jacuzzi after all that.
So...*clears throat* How was everyone else's long weekend, if ya had one?
"Oh yes," she says. "Better to get it done now than later." She glances at my tiny stockpile of noodle soup, a jacket, shampoo, hair gel, and Kashi bars. "College student? What year?"
How the heck she guessed that I shall never know(the noodles gave it away?), but whatev. "Junior," I tell her. The cashier announces the woman's total, thus ending our conversation before she can ask about the Sox and the games as of late. She pulls out a gift card. Cashier takes it, says she still owes another $200. Woman glances at me and says "Oh, she's paying."
Wait a minute...WTF? I never said that! Hell, I don't even know you! "I never said that", I say, and the cashier nods. Any of my thoughts are in (), these were never actually said (though I wish I did, I was about to lose it big time)
"Sure you did, while we were talking a moment ago."
(Okay, kids, read that whole dialogue up there. See anything there that mentions I'd pay this lady's tab? No? Good. You shouldn't, cause I didn't.)
"Please, I just got through Hurricane Ike..." I bite back a slight snicker
(Oh no you didn't just do that. Ike was down south, Texas and the Gulf Coast. Cape Cod's an hour away from here at most. I don't think we even got the remains of the storm. That trump card's not gonna work.)
"It's the Christian thing to do!" she yells. Still I don't budge. My temple's throbbing at this point.
(Look, I'm not gonna even point to the pentacle 'round my neck, windbag. Never mind that, but I've heard that excuse so many times I wonder what is Christian anymore. It's one thing to donate a dollar or two here and there. You want me to wipe my bank account clean.)
"You're so stingy!" She's bellowing at me now since I still refuse to take out my card and swipe it for her.
(Uh...I just said the bank's closed, I'm done 'donating'. I've donated to the Jimmy Fund, Susan G. Komen, etc. all month. And while it wasn't more than a couple bucks at a time, it wasn't a three-digit figure like you're asking. I'd act differently if someone was short a few coins because I hate lugging change around.)
"You're a college student, you can afford it!"
(Say that again? I'm in COLLEGE. I barely have enough on my own for room and board, tuition, fees, etc. I'm getting loans for that. Anything else I can scrape together buys me food, clothes, and gas for field study. I'll be stuck paying off those loans after I graduate.)
Someone taps me on my shoulder and I jump a mile high. The gentleman in the lane next to mine whispers "Switch with me." Apparently he was next in line at the other lane, and wants me to jump lanes so I can get out of here before she rips me a new one for her "charity". Bless his soul. I thank him and move my purchases over to the other lane. The people behind me didn't utter a peep about me line jumping, hoping batshit crazy lady across the way would finally shut up.
Then I let it slip: Under my breath I muttered "Thank GAWD" as the new cashier went through my purchases. BSCL must have supersonic hearing cuz boy did she hear me.
"I HEARD THAT! YOU ARE CHRISTIAN! GET BACK HERE!"
Now, I don't think I've ever seen a cashier scan quite as fast as this one did ( I swear he did it in under 20 seconds), but yowza. I pay with my debit card, grab my bags, and shoot outta there. Well lo and behold BSCL follows me out, demanding I come back. As I leave I can see the greeter out of the corner of my eye on his cell phone. I later learned he called for help.
I make it to my car, toss my things in back, start it up, and start to back out when I hear banging on my trunk. She's found me, and now I'm stuck. I see what looks like a notepad: I can't believe this. She's writing down bits of info about my car!
So now I'm uber stuck. I can't back up, she's standing right there and I'll run her over if I do. I can't go forward, there's an island thing right there and I drive a Hyundai Accent, not a moon rover. Can't go to either side as two SUVs are parked. I turn the car off but keep it locked.
I hear sirens, and a small part of me gives thanks to whatever higher power summoned them (or in this case the greeter). Myself, along with several witnesses and the two cashiers and a CSR relay the whole incident. Turns out this isn't her first offense for doing so, so she gets to go for a ride and meet some new friends downtown. CSR hounds me to come back inside and my manager would "compensate" for my "inconvenience" but I declined. In all honesty I just wanted to go home and pour a stiff one and have a soak in the jacuzzi after all that.
So...*clears throat* How was everyone else's long weekend, if ya had one?
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