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Some random rants from the last few weeks.
Parrotheads are Fun, Part I
Every November, our lovely island paradise is invaded by devoted followers of Jimmy Buffett, who are called Parrotheads by themselves and others. Some people down here who are not themselves Parrotheads view these people as a kind of cult, and it seems that many of these cultists are missing the message of their Prophet. If you are not familiar with Jimmy Buffett's music, the basic gist of it is to kick back, enjoy life, chill on the beach, lay in your hammock, have some drinks, smoke some doobies, and just chill. Whether or not you AGREE with what that message says is besides the point...that is what Buffett sings about, and what his followers the Parrotheads purport to be all about. Keep that in mind.
This year, unlike most, Jimmy actually made an appearance at this annual festival. He doesn't every year, and I am beginning to suspect that he really doesn't like his fans all that much, and each year, I think I understand why that might be a little more. This year, two of my Parrothead friends, who both live here and are actually chill dudes who DO get the basic message of the music, both agreed that the Parrotheads down here, as a group, were basically insufferable pricks.
Our first example:
Jimmy did a concert on Duval Street. My friends Nerd Boy and Hippy Chick, a married couple, wandered down to Duval to check it out, as they both had that day off from work. They wandered up to one of the barriers, and quickly realized that they couldn't see a damn thing, as they were behind the stage. Basically they were looking at the back of a white tent, but enjoying the music. While neither is a Parrothead, they like the music.
Shortly after their arrival, a tall woman behind them very rudely and shrilly told barked at them, "You're in my way!" I should point out that Nerd Boy is about 5'5", his wife Hippy Chick is maybe 5'2", and the woman who was bitching stood a solid 6' tall, so could quite easily see over both of them. More importantly, and as Nerd Boy calmly pointed out to this woman, there was nothing TO see....they were all just looking at the back of a white tent. He also calmly and politely suggested to her that she enjoy the music, as they were. At which point she went ballistic, saying that NB and HC were in her way, she couldn't see, and who the hell did they think they were. At which point NB had had enough, and told this lovely Parrothead exactly, and in no uncertain terms, where she could stick it.
Parrotheads are Fun, Part II
So during the days of the festival when Duval Street was closed off, locals who worked in shops on Duval were issued special ID badges so that they could get through various security points and get to their jobs. I should point out that the Parrotheads take great joy in wearing various lanyards identifying their various clubs, what concerts they've been to, etc. Don't ask me for more details on this....frankly I don't know more than that. But suffice it to say that they pretty much all wear such lanyards to both identify themselves and each other. Why, I don't know. But they do.
One day my friend Skinny Mini was heading to her job at a retail store right on Duval Street and in the middle of this whole festival. She was wearing the aforementioned ID badge which was, as it turned out, on a lanyard. And she was minding her own business, merely heading to her job to work, when she hears some woman Parrothead say loudly, "Just where does that skinny bitch think she's going?" Not wanting to provoke any confrontation, Mini kept walking. At which point some dude, apparently with the female Parrothead, grabbed Mini by the lanyard, got up in her face, and viciously asked, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, cunt?" Mini was able to get away from him, but this gives you an idea of how chilled and friendly these people sometimes were this year.
These were just the worst of the incidents I heard about, but even my Parrothead friends thought that this year's crop was especially vicious, possibly partly due to Buffett's presence.
I've heard other describe Parrotheads as a cult, and after 12 years of witnessing stuff like the above incidents, I have come to believe that they are pretty much just that...a cult, wherein so many of the members have completely lost the message of their Prophet, being anything but chill and relaxed and enjoying life with sand between their toes. They claim to follow Buffett, but so many of them go to restaurants, don't drink, order the bare minimum, and don't tip. And god forbid a musician plays a song they are unfamiliar with....they only want to hear Buffett and various Buffett-like bands, and the music they are familiar with. Many local musicians are completely disgusted by the whole thing, as the Parrotheads are clearly not openminded or interested in actually enjoying new things or new experiences.
Don't get me wrong...there are plenty of wonderful Parrotheads, both that live here and that visit during the festival. But the number of douchebags, or as a lot of locals call them, Peckerheads, seem to be increasing, and the cool Parrotheads are painfully aware of this phenomenon.
Suggestion: don't come to Key West the first week of November if you don't want to be subjected to this crap.
Powerboat Racers are Fun
No, seriously, they are. They are completely unlike the Parrotheads. Sure, there are some dickheads in their midst--what groups are completely dick-free?--but as a group, they come to town with the idea of having fun between their races, they spend money, they tip well, and they enjoy themselves and our hospitality. And they quite literally put their lives on the line to entertain people at high speeds. And this is not an exaggeration...this year was the deadliest race week in over 30 years of racing, as 3 racers lost their lives in 2 horrific crashes. I have nothing but respect for the powerboat racers.
Suggestion: if you want a great time with fun people, and quality entertainment, come to Key West the second week of November.
Brilliant Plan
Yesterday was the annual Lighted Boat Parade down here, which is exactly what it sounds like, and is great fun to watch. I was driving around looking for a parking spot, and while stopped at one stop sign, an older lady approached my truck and, seeming frantic, said, "Can you give me a ride around the corner?" I just looked blankly at her, and said, "I don't know you!" Her response: "But I'm going to be late for my boat!" Apparently she was running behind to get on a boat to either watch or be part of the parade. And had planned her timing so well that she was willing to approach a complete stranger and ask to get in their vehicle and be given a ride to the docks. Ignoring the fact that I didn't know her, I am not about to let a stranger into my truck, I myself was looking for a parking space which would not be anywhere near the docks, and frankly, as we all know, poor planning on her part in no way constituted an emergency on my part. Seriously, lady? Get real. Had there been some kind of genuine emergency, I probably would have helped her. But I need to put aside my own shit because she can't be bothered to be on time? Oh, HELL no!
I Love Children...Barbecued
So I stopped by a local pub to get a bite to eat last night, before heading to the Lighted Boat Parade. What I didn't know until I got there was that it was the evening for Santa to make an appearance. Which meant, while I sat there eating my shepherd's pie and drinking my beer and trying to quietly read my book, children were running full speed around the place screaming at the tops of their lungs with absolutely zero parental control. Fortunately, the food and drink were excellent, but it reminded me of why I love being an uncle and not a parent.
Later, shortly before the Parade, as I was walking down the dock to replenish my drink from a dockside bar and dodging more rambunctious children, I happened to see a police officer walking along.
ME: "Officer, may I ask you a question?"
COP: "Sure."
ME: "If a bunch of kids are running around screaming their heads off, is it illegal to push them in the water?"
COP: (trying not to laugh) "Nope."
ME: "Thanks!"
Hey, what can I say? I like to end my rants on a positive note!
Parrotheads are Fun, Part I
Every November, our lovely island paradise is invaded by devoted followers of Jimmy Buffett, who are called Parrotheads by themselves and others. Some people down here who are not themselves Parrotheads view these people as a kind of cult, and it seems that many of these cultists are missing the message of their Prophet. If you are not familiar with Jimmy Buffett's music, the basic gist of it is to kick back, enjoy life, chill on the beach, lay in your hammock, have some drinks, smoke some doobies, and just chill. Whether or not you AGREE with what that message says is besides the point...that is what Buffett sings about, and what his followers the Parrotheads purport to be all about. Keep that in mind.
This year, unlike most, Jimmy actually made an appearance at this annual festival. He doesn't every year, and I am beginning to suspect that he really doesn't like his fans all that much, and each year, I think I understand why that might be a little more. This year, two of my Parrothead friends, who both live here and are actually chill dudes who DO get the basic message of the music, both agreed that the Parrotheads down here, as a group, were basically insufferable pricks.
Our first example:
Jimmy did a concert on Duval Street. My friends Nerd Boy and Hippy Chick, a married couple, wandered down to Duval to check it out, as they both had that day off from work. They wandered up to one of the barriers, and quickly realized that they couldn't see a damn thing, as they were behind the stage. Basically they were looking at the back of a white tent, but enjoying the music. While neither is a Parrothead, they like the music.
Shortly after their arrival, a tall woman behind them very rudely and shrilly told barked at them, "You're in my way!" I should point out that Nerd Boy is about 5'5", his wife Hippy Chick is maybe 5'2", and the woman who was bitching stood a solid 6' tall, so could quite easily see over both of them. More importantly, and as Nerd Boy calmly pointed out to this woman, there was nothing TO see....they were all just looking at the back of a white tent. He also calmly and politely suggested to her that she enjoy the music, as they were. At which point she went ballistic, saying that NB and HC were in her way, she couldn't see, and who the hell did they think they were. At which point NB had had enough, and told this lovely Parrothead exactly, and in no uncertain terms, where she could stick it.
Parrotheads are Fun, Part II
So during the days of the festival when Duval Street was closed off, locals who worked in shops on Duval were issued special ID badges so that they could get through various security points and get to their jobs. I should point out that the Parrotheads take great joy in wearing various lanyards identifying their various clubs, what concerts they've been to, etc. Don't ask me for more details on this....frankly I don't know more than that. But suffice it to say that they pretty much all wear such lanyards to both identify themselves and each other. Why, I don't know. But they do.
One day my friend Skinny Mini was heading to her job at a retail store right on Duval Street and in the middle of this whole festival. She was wearing the aforementioned ID badge which was, as it turned out, on a lanyard. And she was minding her own business, merely heading to her job to work, when she hears some woman Parrothead say loudly, "Just where does that skinny bitch think she's going?" Not wanting to provoke any confrontation, Mini kept walking. At which point some dude, apparently with the female Parrothead, grabbed Mini by the lanyard, got up in her face, and viciously asked, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, cunt?" Mini was able to get away from him, but this gives you an idea of how chilled and friendly these people sometimes were this year.
These were just the worst of the incidents I heard about, but even my Parrothead friends thought that this year's crop was especially vicious, possibly partly due to Buffett's presence.
I've heard other describe Parrotheads as a cult, and after 12 years of witnessing stuff like the above incidents, I have come to believe that they are pretty much just that...a cult, wherein so many of the members have completely lost the message of their Prophet, being anything but chill and relaxed and enjoying life with sand between their toes. They claim to follow Buffett, but so many of them go to restaurants, don't drink, order the bare minimum, and don't tip. And god forbid a musician plays a song they are unfamiliar with....they only want to hear Buffett and various Buffett-like bands, and the music they are familiar with. Many local musicians are completely disgusted by the whole thing, as the Parrotheads are clearly not openminded or interested in actually enjoying new things or new experiences.
Don't get me wrong...there are plenty of wonderful Parrotheads, both that live here and that visit during the festival. But the number of douchebags, or as a lot of locals call them, Peckerheads, seem to be increasing, and the cool Parrotheads are painfully aware of this phenomenon.
Suggestion: don't come to Key West the first week of November if you don't want to be subjected to this crap.
Powerboat Racers are Fun
No, seriously, they are. They are completely unlike the Parrotheads. Sure, there are some dickheads in their midst--what groups are completely dick-free?--but as a group, they come to town with the idea of having fun between their races, they spend money, they tip well, and they enjoy themselves and our hospitality. And they quite literally put their lives on the line to entertain people at high speeds. And this is not an exaggeration...this year was the deadliest race week in over 30 years of racing, as 3 racers lost their lives in 2 horrific crashes. I have nothing but respect for the powerboat racers.
Suggestion: if you want a great time with fun people, and quality entertainment, come to Key West the second week of November.
Brilliant Plan
Yesterday was the annual Lighted Boat Parade down here, which is exactly what it sounds like, and is great fun to watch. I was driving around looking for a parking spot, and while stopped at one stop sign, an older lady approached my truck and, seeming frantic, said, "Can you give me a ride around the corner?" I just looked blankly at her, and said, "I don't know you!" Her response: "But I'm going to be late for my boat!" Apparently she was running behind to get on a boat to either watch or be part of the parade. And had planned her timing so well that she was willing to approach a complete stranger and ask to get in their vehicle and be given a ride to the docks. Ignoring the fact that I didn't know her, I am not about to let a stranger into my truck, I myself was looking for a parking space which would not be anywhere near the docks, and frankly, as we all know, poor planning on her part in no way constituted an emergency on my part. Seriously, lady? Get real. Had there been some kind of genuine emergency, I probably would have helped her. But I need to put aside my own shit because she can't be bothered to be on time? Oh, HELL no!
I Love Children...Barbecued
So I stopped by a local pub to get a bite to eat last night, before heading to the Lighted Boat Parade. What I didn't know until I got there was that it was the evening for Santa to make an appearance. Which meant, while I sat there eating my shepherd's pie and drinking my beer and trying to quietly read my book, children were running full speed around the place screaming at the tops of their lungs with absolutely zero parental control. Fortunately, the food and drink were excellent, but it reminded me of why I love being an uncle and not a parent.
Later, shortly before the Parade, as I was walking down the dock to replenish my drink from a dockside bar and dodging more rambunctious children, I happened to see a police officer walking along.
ME: "Officer, may I ask you a question?"
COP: "Sure."
ME: "If a bunch of kids are running around screaming their heads off, is it illegal to push them in the water?"
COP: (trying not to laugh) "Nope."
ME: "Thanks!"
Hey, what can I say? I like to end my rants on a positive note!
on the title!
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