The Asshole Tax

[EricKei]

I've got some from my pizza joint days

300% tax for making the statement "why is delivery time SOOOOOOOO long?????" during a blinding snowstorm.

This also applies to making this complaint when ordering during halftime of the local team's big game.

300% if you order during halftime of the Superbowl (without complaints), 600% with complaints

200% if "the pizza was wrong/bad/cold last time we ordered but we didn't tell you ", multiplied by the number of WEEKS since the order in question

200% if you were dissatisfied with the pizza you just got, ask for a replacement, but you ate the whole damn thing anyway in the half an hour it took us to rush you a new one

25% for telling us how the guys down the street make better pizza but ordering from us anyway

50% for stiffing the driver on the tip for no apparent reason (meaning, it got there fast and hot, it was 100% correct, he was friendly, etc) (applied to the next order; driver keeps the tax). Multiplied by the number of times you have done this.

100% of "coupon" value for claiming you had a coupon over the phone but didn't really have it to give us

200% of coupon value if you use a competitor coupon at a place that does NOT take competitor coupons

15% for complaining that our food is more expensive than <competitor>. Double that if you or someone else in your party comments that <competitor>'s food is of low quality compared to ours. (That's WHY we're more)

200% of the cost of any add-ons (drinks, breadsticks, extra pizzas) ordered after your pizza has already been prepared, cooked, and is being boxed up

400% of the above if the driver has already left the store and you want him to go back, get the extras, and bring it all out together

500% fee for expecting the delivery time to magically stay the same (rather than resetting) when you do the above. "Stiffing the driver" penalty doubled if it happens as a result of this.

15% fee applied to your next order if your street is flooded so badly that you cannot leave your house, but expect us to be able to deliver to you

umpteen million% for ordering exactly one of the cheapest item on the menu, whilst paying with exact change every time, ordering this 4-6 times per week, and always stiffing the driver on the tip...When you live at the farthest reaches of our delivery area

[ThisIsXYZ]

Call center asshole fees:
(To put this in perspective, the vast majority of our callers are paying us $20ish per month for an online software package.)

$5 every time you call me by the wrong name.
$20 if you call me by the wrong name RIGHT AFTER I INTRODUCE MYSELF
$10 extra if the wrong name doesn't even sound remotely similar to mine

If you scream and yell about overages, you get to pay all of them, and give me an extra $50 toward my blood pressure medication. The overage policy is not very clear, so we usually waive them if you're decent about it.

$50 if you are angry from the very start of the call.

5% of your annual salary if you complain that I'm wasting your time and explicitly say how much money you make. (I had one lady say she made $200 per hour - that would have netted me what, $20,000?)

$1 for each second you put me on hold. (My policy is to hang up after 30 seconds - this obviously isn't a good time for them - but I'd be much more patient if I were getting paid extra for it. )

$30 for whining that our system is broken, when it's really user error.
$30 extra if it involves your password. No really, that part of the system does work correctly.

$50 rush fee if you just signed up for the product because you're under a tight deadline. You need to buy the product and work out the kinks ahead of time, not two hours before the big deal closes.

$200 minus what you actually pay per month for expecting me to personally train you on the entire system.
$50 for complaining that you went through the tutorials, but they weren't useful. My dog can follow those tutorials.
$100 and immediate cancellation of your account if you complain to my manager about our training policies.
(This is tech support, not training. If you're too dense or too computer-challenged to understand our video tutorials, user guides, and webinar classes, this isn't the right product for you, and we really don't want you as a customer.)

Phew. At that rate, I should make about an extra $500 per day.

[Rapscallion]

Getting infractions on this site doubles the cost of using it. Nod.

Rapscallion

[EricKei]

Time for some from the accounting firm, my current grind...

$200/hr premium if you call up asking to "speak to the owner" when it's obvious you're trying to sell us something. One hour minimum charged.

10% extra for whining about our rates. I used to think our rates were extreme, too (the above is the owner's normal hourly rate), until we looked at a local industry survey and found that our rates were LOW for CPA's in our area

Flat $50 fee for calling us up for a support call, going thru all this rigmarole about your problem and how you can't get through to [people who make the software we support], and then just hanging up when we quote you our support rates once you finally stop to breathe

Flat $100 fee every time we pick up the phone, give our opening spiel, and you just hang up without a word. This goes directly to whomever picked up the phone when you called. Happens an average of 10-15 times PER DAY. Makes me wish we had Caller ID...WE CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING, GUYS (alternatively, "we can hear the rusty cogs inside your head grinding")

25% if you called us, balked at our rates (double if you were due about it), called [software manufacturer] and found out that their per-call rates and minimums are even HIGHER than ours, then called us back and complained about their rates

40% premium for support calls in January (people doing year-end closing of the books) and expecting a callback in 5 minutes. Call volume increases by 3-5x normal at this time (it takes US 45 minutes to get thru to the [software makers] at these times if we need to call regarding an undocumented error code; sheeple can reasonably expect a 2 hour wait time in January). Ditto for Personal tax time in early April

$25 for every time you call, we give you our spiel where we MENTION OUR COMPANY NAME up front, and then ask "Is this [software maker]/This isn't [software maker]?"

$25 for calling the number on our site that had our name emblazoned on it up top in big block letters and thinking we make the software; double if you claim that you're on the Maker's site and saw our number (if you're on the Maker's site you won't find a number that gets you to a human in 3 rings or less, I can guarantee you that). Ditto for looking up "[software] help" or whatever on Google and calling us instead of the Makers (our number is in the Title tags so it shows up in the Search link headers ^_^). Note that the people who MAKE the software invariably show up higher-ranked than we do, for obvious reasons

A reward of a fistbump and a (for free!) if you tell us that [software maker] referred you to us because they couldn't figure out the problem themselves (this has happened often...we usually can fix the problem even when this happens)

100% if you call us to set up an appointment to have your income taxes done a week before they are due. +200% extra if you want them "rushed". +500% if you don't give us the info needed to do the work until April 14

50% for trying to make us cover your @$$ for free when you got randomly Audited by the IRS, but you declined our offer for Audit Protection (basically, AP means that we handle EVERYTHING if this happens, including court costs if need be. We charge like 10% of the anticipated net return to provide AP)

Triple the value of all services rendered to fix your mess in the above "AP?! DO NOT WANT" case if you have us take care of it for you

5000% and a cluebat to the head if you expect us to do your taxes when most of your business has been "cash" (under the table) and you neglect to mention this to us

[Yfandes]

fuckdumplings

this? this is my new favorite word!

These is one actual (Pain in the Ass) PITA charges I am allowed to use:
$50/ hour for every little nitpicky thing you add on AFTER you've chosen our most basic (cheapest) subsidised educational package, and then tried to change it to match your idea of speshul (1 hour minimum).

Things I want to charge additionally for:

$100 every time you want us to "give you a few fish for dissection". NO!! We are short! Go buy or catch your own!!

$5 (discounted rate) for every student who comes in the building and asks "wheres the boat"? Hint - we keep them on the water!

$10 for every student who shows up late and misses the boat, when 38 other students made it on time.
Double that for whining "we got looooooost!!!" when we distribute clear instructions on how to get here to every professor AND are available on our website.

$30 for everyone who calls me asking me to "talk them in", while driving around lost in the port. Double that if you can not tell me WHERE you are!

and $100 per question for the self important chamber Dr who kept making different demands requiring unrelated searches that are nothing to do with me, and I am only doing as a FAVOR: "Is there a boat to the island today? I dont think there is! Is there a ferry? Which ferry should I take? Where does it go out of? How much is it? Is there a boat today?...."

[Digitalpotato]

The Karaoke Tax = Every time you sing the "$5 footlong!" song, you will be required to pay 50% of your entire purchase. Payment for this tax goes entirely to paying for therapy to the asshole who had to serve this customer.

The Rick Astley Fine = Every time you sing that stupid "Never gonna let you down" song by Rick Astley, you will be charged $200 for singing the worst song ever made in the past 50 years. Benefit goes directly to therapy to the person who had to listen to you singing that stupid song.

The Other Subways have 'em tax = You are charged 2% every time you complain about how we don't have swiss.

The random demanding discount tax = Whenever you complain about ficticious discounts such as "The Woman's Discount" not existing at Subway, you are charged for 150% of your order as compensation for your stupidity.

Improper use of Racist card tax = whenever you complain that your $5 footlong doesnt' cost EXACTLY $5 because we're being racist, or you say that I skipped over you in line because of your race or nationality when you were talking on a cell phone, you pay 300% more.

The Phone Sex Tax = 600% tax if you hold the line up to have phone sex.

The whining about $5 footlong tax = 50% sales tax for whining about how a sub is not $5.

The economy card tax = 250% sales tax for whining at us for not charging $5 for a sub that probably cost us $10 to make and saying that we should give you a deal that we would LOSE money on because of the economy.

[Megg]

Getting infractions on this site doubles the cost of using it.

So $0 x 2 = $0! Cool!

[Calie]

The Phone Sex Tax = 600% tax if you hold the line up to have phone sex.

Is this from experience, or just caution? Wait, I'm not sure I want to know...

Taxes in my business (custom manufacturing...standard leadtime is 4weeks)

+50% if you want it in half our stated lead time (30% if we like you)

$10 for every day you call in wanting your order sooner, or just to "check on it"
$20 for the second, $40 for the third...
Pricing is doubled if we made it extra clear in advance that we cannot get sooner and we would call YOU with updates.

+20% if you complain about our pricing, and say that our competitor is cheaper, but you order from us since the parts they make for you are crap.

+30% if you say our competitor can get it twice as fast. That's because they're one payday away from bankruptcy and they have no orders.

+10% if you even mention "our competitor" and ANYTHING. If they're so great, go there!

Phone Answering Taxes:

$10 for every call + $5 for every request or question from sales guys that want to speak to the owner, don't know his name (or title), start asking for his "assistants", calls back numerous times, won't leave voicemail. $20 if they're in a really loud call center and/or speak softly/badly so that I have to ask them to repeat numerous times.

$5 for every time I pick up the phone only to hear the fax noise. Fine waived if I back-trace the number and they are very apologetic.

Oh, and $5 for every phone call I answer that is a recording...I could retire in a year.

[Andara Bledin]

The Rick Astley Fine = Every time you sing that stupid "Never gonna let you down" song by Rick Astley, you will be charged $200 for singing the worst song ever made in the past 50 years.

Not that I have anything against the tax on these idiots, but Never Gonna Give You Up is hardly the worst song in the last half-century.

Hell, it has nothing on Trapped in the Closet (the first "chapter" anyway). Weird Al's Trapped in the Drive-thru nails it, and is actually listenable.

^-.-^

[Digitalpotato]

Is this from experience, or just caution? Wait, I'm not sure I want to know...

Experience.

The Spectator tax - Take the Phone Sex Tax, then add 50% for every minute you hold the line up to have phone sex, then 25% for every person who has to hear that. Replace the 25% with a 45% if there are summer camp kids nearby.


....like there was today. -_-

[Racket_Man]

QUOTE=EricKei
I've got some from my pizza joint days

300% if you order during halftime of the Superbowl (without complaints), 600% with complaints

I have no problem with Superbowl Sunday just a little busier than normal UNLESS DA PACKERS are playing inthe Superbowl. then I would expect ALL drivers would be on duty as the town would get SOOOOOOO drunk and happy and they would order pizza continiously for like a week straight(and they would do it without Favre the hasbeen)

200% if "the pizza was wrong/bad/cold last time we ordered but we didn't tell you ", multiplied by the number of WEEKS since the order in question

200% if you were dissatisfied with the pizza you just got, ask for a replacement, but you ate the whole damn thing anyway in the half an hour it took us to rush you a new one

free happens once and only once after that I like the 200% and we expect the "bad pizza" back so no bad pizza no remake (or you can pay for anohther pizza full prose) but you still get the 200% fee added on anyway


50% for stiffing the driver on the tip for no apparent reason (meaning, it got there fast and hot, it was 100% correct, he was friendly, etc) (applied to the next order; driver keeps the tax). Multiplied by the number of times you have done this.

If this were true I could have quit delivering a couple of years ago as I would be a zillionaire now

15% fee applied to your next order if your street is flooded so badly that you cannot leave your house, but expect us to be able to deliver to you

flood snow storm hail, lighting, tornado who cares and the TAX would be at least 100% of the order total payable NOW

umpteen million% for ordering exactly one of the cheapest item on the menu, whilst paying with exact change every time, ordering this 4-6 times per week, and always stiffing the driver on the tip...When you live at the farthest reaches of our delivery area

welcome to my world

[Peppergirl]

1. Automatic tax of 20% if your child is screaming like a banshee in the background. This tax can be waived if the call is urgent and you are stranded in an airport somewhere, but if you're booking more than a day or two ahead, wait till the kid quits screaming before calling. Jesus.

2. Automatic tax of 30% if you ask me why the fare is so high. Extra 5% if you ask me that question when you're calling the reservation in the same day you're traveling. I'll waive said fee if the question is asked in a conversational tone...particularly if it's clear that you hate the airlines as much as me and are merely using this question as an opening line in order to segue into bashing them for their lunacy.

3. Automatic tax of 20% for complaining about center seats being the only thing left to assign on the aircraft, particularly if you're booking the same day. No, I don't design the seat maps, nor do I care that you 'always get stuck with a center.' Try booking earlier next time and leave me alone.

4. Automatic tax of 25% for insisting that hotels HOLD magic rooms and aren't REALLY sold out, even when I tell you they are. Right, Smiley (and other hotel peeps)???

5. And the number #1 biggest tax - 100% for booking your itinerary 3 months ago, having it emailed, then waiting till the DAY BEFORE YOUR TRAVEL to check it for accuracy, only to discover **OOPS** it's for the wrong return date. 200% if you scream 'What do you MEAN I have to pay the penalty?' at me.
***Check your freaking itineraries upon receipt, like we have advised you 800 times on the phone and via email***


And, rest.

Whew. That was theraputic. Thanks Boozy!!

[4love]

having been stuck working the cafe for the last couple days, I have a few more...

"Starbucks Tax"= 10% for every time I have to explain to you that We-Are-Not-Starbucks! Yes, I will be keeping track, so if I have to do this again tomorrow, it'll be 20%.

+100% on every item you decide to add to your order at the register, if someone else already asked you what you wanted. +150% if it's something that requires a machine and more than 5 seconds, i.e., a sandwich or a frappucino.

Refusal of refund if you change your mind about what it was you wanted- i.e., you order an iced chai, get it, then decide you'd rather have a caramel frappucino. F*** YOU!!! We've already wasted that chai mix and the milk on that drink, we don't want it back! This is waived if the first drink was honestly wrong/badly made.

+40% for every time you say "I don't mean to be a b****, but..." or "I don't want to be difficult, but...". Because we both know you're only saying that to be a passive-aggressive little bleep. One little EW today would've been paying an additional 320%, and not getting her frickin' refund.

I could probably think of more, but the beer is dulling my pain so I think I'll stop now.

[mattm04]

25% on you entire order for every time you want someone paged to a dept with the "CLOSED" sign clearly up.

add 50% if i have seen you in minutes before and asked if you had any questions and you said no.

For the record i had one guy in a 10 min. period of my 15 minute break ask 5 employees to page me.

100% no 150%(payable to me) if you use a side register and interrupt me workign by my self wit 300 things to do in two hours to pay of something i don't carry in my dept because you are too impatient to wait up front.

[Dreamstalker]

50% if you interrupt me while I'm already visibly doing 15 things, increased by half if the interrupter is the boss who knows damn well I'm up to my ears. Doubled if the only reason you wanted to interrupt me was to ask a stupid question.

500% if you try to steer a call into the realm of phone sex (to date, only the ex has actually tried this).