Sex, Lies & Zombie Nixon

[Becks]

Damn, I said that out loud didn’t I? Y-….er….wait, did you just agree with me? Oh. Ummm….well then. I’m glad we agree on something...I think.

Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Why does everyone think I’m a phone sex operator? <sob>

Because you are, and you don't want any of us to know about it for some reason.

[Jester]

My God.

Yes?

SC: “General Gaddafi tried but only Allah’s been given that permission”

Wait...General? When did that fucker get promoted from Colonel? I realize he's the head honcho and all, but even being in charge, he still called himself Colonel. Did he give himself a field promotion? Did he pass over other dictators in his country while shamelessly promoting himself to a rank that, due to his being the Main Dude, was pretty much pointless other than as an ego stroke?

All you have to do is be clear, concise and polite in your request and I will do what I can to assist you. If you had simply said “Yes, hello, could you please provide me with a beat boxed assortment of funkiness? I feel the need to bust rhymes and require musical accompaniment. But lack an actual band.” I would have gladly accommodated you.

But see, that's not the way GK! They's gotta get down with them bad selves, tell the Phone Pimp (that's you, G) to break out the funky beats. G to the rave, K to the eeper, this is how we do it, cuz you ain't no sleeper, yo!

There is more than one way to epoxy novelty bunny ears to a cat.

Beyond hilarious!

If you required 7 minutes of coaching by page 8, you’re going to require a fire extinguisher by page 12, and paramedics by page 17.

It’s comments like this that have caused me to develop the Drinking While Reading GK’s Post Technique. (Not to mention the ability to scare off potential dates so unbelievably well!) In which one reads, then laughs, then relaxes, and then, and only then, one turns from the computer screen, focuses on the beverage at hand and only the beverage at hand, making sure to avert one’s eyes from the computer screen, takes a long satisfying slug, swallows, puts said drink down, and then, and only then, turns back to the computer screen and goes back to reading. This Technique has saved my monitor much trauma.

He was just outside the station, as always, dutifully performing for his audience of thin air and wishes.

No, not "as always." Why, you yourself reported on his repeated absences over the last few weeks. Have you forgotten his sabbaticals already?

Me: “Your name is Alfred?”
SC: “…..uh……….”
Me: “………”
SC: “That is....ummm.....…….Sarah.”

Good girl.

"Woof!"

Why does everyone think I’m a phone sex operator? <sob>

Wait, a girl asked you this? If she was at all good-looking or had a pleasant personality (or both), why would it upset you that she thought you got paid for this? Think about that one for a while, my friend. Come back when you’ve really pondered it. Yeah.

annnnnd rest.

What, no Story Time again this week? This is the second week in a row. Methinks the fangirls might be getting restless….

[lineswine]

...it's a dirty rotten deal, when you lose your woman, your dog & your wheels
And raaaain is comin' down! </shameless UK blues advert>

[Gravekeeper]

Is it bad that I kind of felt sorry for MC Shake & Bake?

I'd feel sorry for him if he would accept he has no talent and no future at this. But his musical persistence erodes such sympathies.

This city has quite a few buskers, and the good ones actually tend to outnumber the bad ones. However, there are only a handful that are truly horrible and should never touch as microphone or instrument again. MC Shake & Bake is one of these people. >.>

The good ones actually have a name beyond "That guy" and play venues as well as busking. Really, most Buskers I pass actually range from decent to pretty good. Shake & Bake is a terrifying exception.

The Voice.

I don't typically use The Voice outside of work. Especially right after I get off work. It's usually a few hours before I'll even talk in any capacity. I tend to be really quiet and mumble a lot right after I get off shift. Its only when I hit scripted words ( "Please" and "Thank you" ) for instance, that my voice comes back on. -.-

There's a Blues Hound in my local BART station. The guy can play really well, but his voice just grates on my nerves. I can't bring myself to even toss him some coins, because I just want it to stop.

Throw the coins at him? <cough>

But see, that's not the way GK! They's gotta get down with them bad selves, tell the Phone Pimp (that's you, G) to break out the funky beats. G to the rave, K to the eeper, this is how we do it, cuz you ain't no sleeper, yo!

It'd be easier if that.....dialect, didn't fill me with an overwhelming urge to bite something ;p

It’s comments like this that have caused me to develop the Drinking While Reading GK’s Post Technique.

It's a particularly bizzarre moment in life when someone tells you you're a choking hazard. Then provides safety directions.

Wait, a girl asked you this? If she was at all good-looking or had a pleasant personality (or both), why would it upset you that she thought you got paid for this? Think about that one for a while, my friend. Come back when you’ve really pondered it. Yeah.

Considering the recent track record of things attracted to my voice at work she probably use to be a man.

What, no Story Time again this week? This is the second week in a row. Methinks the fangirls might be getting restless….

I require sufficient exterior street/transit material to compose a Story Time. It ( thankfully ) does not always occur. >.>

[Jester]

It'd be easier if that.....dialect, didn't fill me with an overwhelming urge to bite something ;p

Oh, I am no fan of it either, being an intelligent, educated,. well-spoken man with an extensive vocabulary who happens to have a small talent for writing. Frankly, I do it purely for laughs. That being said...

Yo, G, what up? Youse got to admit, dog, I be DAMN good at dis shit!

It's a particularly bizzarre moment in life when someone tells you you're a choking hazard. Then provides safety directions.

Oh, stop. I am not the first and I won't be the last to mention the general danger of reading posts in here while eating, and the specific danger of eating while reading YOUR posts.

Hell, this is not even the first time I have detailed the counter-measures to ensure everyone's safety. Maybe the first time I named them, but that's about it....

Considering the recent track record of things attracted to my voice at work she probably use to be a man.

Probably. As in, you don't know. As in, you are assuming.

Dude, to paraphrase Rhett Butler, you need to get laid. And well. And by someone who knows how.

You're wound up tighter than a Nazi alarm clock in a synagogue during Passover.

I require sufficient exterior street/transit material to compose a Story Time. It ( thankfully ) does not always occur. >.>

Fair enough.

[slavetotheman]

Me: “A breach of security in your mind, perhaps.”

This reminds me of one of my new favorite quotes -- T.S. Eliot, regarding Henry James: "He had a mind so fine no idea could violate it."

[Becks]

to paraphrase Rhett Butler, you need to get laid. And well. And by someone who knows how.

Are you talking about me again?

[Alpha Strike]

A rather deranged man dressed somewhat like a lumberjack lunged at me a block up from here and demanded “BUY ME SOMETHING?!”... Luckily for me, he only had about a 2 metre operational radius and once I got out of range he returned to his start position and went back into guard mode. Waiting for the next person wandered into range.

Given the previous "adventures" that you've detailed for us, I would have figured that you knew by now to NOT pull aggro on Crazies. That's just asking for trouble.

[Andrew B.]

Given the previous "adventures" that you've detailed for us, I would have figured that you knew by now to NOT pull aggro on Crazies. That's just asking for trouble.

I don't know. That one sounds like an aggro on sight mob. Unless GK has a stealth ability, they're hard to avoid.

[Gravekeeper]

Dude, to paraphrase Rhett Butler, you need to get laid. And well. And by someone who knows how.

I find I cannot muster a sufficient counter argument.

Given the previous "adventures" that you've detailed for us, I would have figured that you knew by now to NOT pull aggro on Crazies. That's just asking for trouble.

I try not too, but if they're particularly wide ranging you can't get around their aggro range without wandering into traffic. -.-

[Jester]

I find I cannot muster a sufficient counter argument.

Sometimes, there is no counter argument, my friend. Accept the superior logic, and get on with your bad self!

[Mr. Security]

My God. Just....argh.




Geez, Again?

C: “There’s somebody running around the hallways trying to get into people’s apartments, and he doesn't have any clothes on!”

…Alright. Well, I can see how that would be…problematic. However, I must ask: What exactly do you want me to do about? Would not the police be a better option? They’re trained for this kind of thing. They loath it with every fiber of their being I’m sure, but they are trained for it. All I’ve got is a maintenance guy on duty and I doubt I can convince him to drive all the way down there to tackle some sweaty naked guy. Even if I did have security, the standard security training certifications required to be a security guard in BC do not include NDS ( Naked Dude Scenario ) resolution training.

Yes unfortunately that is apart of your on site training. Work security long enough in apartment buildings(which usually is say about a week) you'll deal with naked people and trust me the hot playboy bunny ones are never naked you get the the old, fat crazy ones

[EricKei]

Yes unfortunately that is apart of your on site training.

Tazer to the jimmy? Preferably at range?

[Mr. Security]

Tazer to the jimmy? Preferably at range?

sadly they don't let us carry tazers. Oh how I wish we could carry them But nooo that's to much fun and dangerous, the bastards

[Andara Bledin]

So late to the party, but had to respond. The moment I saw the title, I knew it was a Gravekeeper post.

Would not the police be a better option? They’re trained for this kind of thing.

I think this might be Naked Justice's archnemesis, Naked Burglar!

Well, I was thinking more a job for Naked Justice, but close enough.

Me: “Well I could hang up on you, so that’s one thing.”

That made me giggle.

Why does everyone think I’m a phone sex operator? <sob>

It's your voice.

I have advice on how to fix that, but not only do I like your voice the way it is, but I suspect some of your other fans would lynch me. >_>

But see, that's not the way GK! They's gotta get down with them bad selves, tell the Phone Pimp (that's you, G) to break out the funky beats. G to the rave, K to the eeper, this is how we do it, cuz you ain't no sleeper, yo!

Oooh... nicely done. *applauds*

It's a particularly bizzarre moment in life when someone tells you you're a choking hazard.

I just about choked on my tongue at this line.

If I wasn't so good at smothering my laughter/choking, coworkers would be running to my aid right now.

^-.-^