A canonical list of SCs

[Shotgun Chuck]

Quarantine: Quarantine is a customer you'd rather not touch. They come in two known variants so far, the Biological Weapon and the Junkie.

The Biological Weapon (plaguespreadius typhoidmarius) is the customer who comes in while obviously, miserably sick. We've all had to run errands while under the weather, but if you've come down with it recently enough that I can tell, stay the heck home because none of us wants your alpaca flu. This customer is easy to spot: their voice will be higher than expected, soft and quiet to the point of inaudibility, and possibly scratchy, and their face may appear sweaty or disheveled. If you've had a few nasty colds yourself, you will probably recognize these signs on instinct.

The Junkie (plaguespreadius drugsmokia), on the other hand, is someone whose disgustingness is entirely a result of their illegal, uh, habit. Again, look for a severely disheveled, sweaty appearance, possibly with additional signs of overall poor health (such as random, inexplicable blood or zits). If they're acting or talking strange, it's likely that they're flying on something in the present as well.

Both of these variants, annoyingly, seem to like paying with cash and will sometimes camp out for long periods of time as well. Additionally, the Biological Weapon has been known to return and make additional orders, sometimes repeatedly. When dealing with the Junkie, especially, it's probably a good practice to go through the restaurant after they leave and hose down everything they've touched with enough sanitizer to kill every germ in the world three times over.

Effort Eraser: The Effort Eraser (oblivious lateorderus), also known as the Closing Rusher and the Sleep Schedule Wrecker, is an odd breed since, on the face of it, they aren't even doing anything wrong. This customer likes to show up anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes before the doors lock, on nights when you're on a closing shift and are trying to get the lobby cleaned super-early in hopes of going home before 1:30 AM, and can easily be recognized by their distinctive mating call of "Yeah, I'd like three cones of cookies 'n' cream, two milkshakes, a SuperCrazyBurger large meal, and a CrazyBaconBurger medium meal. That'll be for here please." This is absolutely infuriating; not only are you not making any progress on cleaning while you attend to all their cashier-made items, they're actively undoing the pre-closing work you've already done. As the alternate name "Closing Rusher" implies, Effort Erasers seem to travel in loose packs, not really organized at all; once the first one comes in, you can expect more to arrive in dribs and drabs any time you try to get anything done.

Coin Bomber: I'm sure anyone who's ever run a register for long has run into the Coin Bomber (jinglia maximus). They've built up a massive load of loose change, and now they want to get rid of it. Get ready to count multiple dollars' worth of coinage, not all of it in quarters, and then do some Florida-level recounting because you keep losing your place. Don't let this get out, but... there are these places called banks, and they're full of money, and if you have an account there they just might help you convert your change into nice, convenient bills. They'd probably prefer you roll the coins first though.

Drawer Count Wrecker: The Drawer Count Wrecker (mathematicus annoyus) is that customer who realizes, after you've taken their money and completed the transaction, that they can get only bills back if they give you some coins. Then you have to do mental math to figure out the new correct change, which is more difficult than it should be when you have a screen right in front of you telling you what the correct change was originally. Somehow, despite the name, I've never actually had a drawer count off because of this guy, but it remains incredibly annoying anyway, possibly because of the worry.

Careless Parent: The Careless Parent (tasmanius devilius progenito) is part of the reason I hate playplaces. They say and do nothing as their children make messes and kick up a horrible banshee racket. Do I need to say anything else?

Late Decider: The Late Decider (soupnazius motivo) is the person - or group of people discussing options among themselves - who are still deciding what to get when they get to the counter. I know, I shouldn't really knock these people too hard, they might be newbies, but the thing is, if I wait for them, I might get in trouble for standing around doing nothing, and if I don't, I might get in trouble for doing other things when I have guests at the counter, if a boss comes around the corner at just the wrong moment.

[Monterey Jack]

Touchy-feely: Insists on touching you, not necessarily inappropriately, but more than you're comfortable with. (Shoulder, arm, hand, whatever.)

Old ladies love patting you on the hand or shoulder for "doing such a good job!" It's like, thanks, lady, but personal space.

[Deserted]

Touchy-feely: Insists on touching you, not necessarily inappropriately, but more than you're comfortable with. (Shoulder, arm, hand, whatever.)

[Monterey Jack]

-Bitch [or Bastard] Cassidy: The customer who will always refer to you as "Kid", no matter what your age is. I'm forty-two, pal, and while I should be flattered that you think I look that young, it's more than a little condescending.

[wolfie]

Don't forget that a lot of the scratch-off stuff is latex based, so these idiots could KILL someone with a latex allergy who's merely trying to buy a newspaper.

[Monterey Jack]

A Whole Lotto Assholes: The people who scratch off their lottery tickets on top of the newspapers, leaving all of the little bits of scratch-off stuff littering the headlines.

[AngryFaery]

Here's a few of mine:

Corporate Crisis Caller - These are generally emotionally draining wasted of time. They call right after an incident to tell us how badly they were treated by the manager. Its not always the manager, but they're often the ones having to deal with these troublesome customers. The CCC is always in an indignant rage about how they were treated by the offending employee. You often have to spend a lot of time trying to get a straight story from them. When you call the store and speak to the manager or PIC you find out the CCC left out one detail in their story placing the blame solely back on them. Usually they were abusing coupons or returns and when told they can't do that they made a scene. The manager having to threatening to call the police to get them to leave. I hate them because I spend a lot of time and energy trying to piece together a story that puts CCC at fault and then I have to tell them that.

Pantry Raiders - These are often little old ladies. Not always but usually. PR just cleaned out their pantry and found an expired treasure. They just called to convince us it is okay to still eat. I generally spend a bunch of time explaining that the 10 year old can of beans is not worth the risk of food poisoning.

Cause Warrior - GMOs, food from China, gluten, MSG, BPA, animal welfare, etc... Not that I have any sympthany for these things, I just don't need someone ranting at me for 20 minutes about them. I usually have to make up excuses to get off the phone with a CW as they won't stop unless you stop it.

Turd Polishers - These customers are never happy with how their shopping trip went. They filled out the survey to give us an extensive list of minor nitpicky things about their trip. Its things like the bagger didn't smile at me or the meat dept smells like meat. These are a nuisance because we have record each issue separately. TP gets their name because after leaving a big stinky mess, they have to say one vague positive thing so they don't come off a completely negative.

[Monterey Jack]

Or a trail of bodily outputs.

One time, there was an elderly lady who had an accident and left a trail of poop droplets on her way to the restroom.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Hansel & Gretel: The customers who leave a trail of milk, soda, sugar, and other products in easily-breakable containers <SNIP>

Or a trail of bodily outputs.

[Monterey Jack]

Hansel & Gretel: The customers who leave a trail of milk, soda, sugar, and other products in easily-breakable containers throughout half the damn store before they get wise (bonus suck for leaving the leaky product on a shelf, instead of flagging down an employee to get rid of it for them, all the better to ruin even more merchandise).

[Mr. Security]

The "You look bored/Tired": They will constanly walk up you and chuckle "Hey you look so bored" or "You look so tired!" and will make some comment to you about how you should cheer up!, smile more you look so grumpy. Bonus points if they decide to clap their hands or slap something near you and chuckle "Hey wake up!" when your clearly just ignoring their annoying behavior

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

ZZZZZ...let me sleep...a little more...please....

Me: (answering an outside call) Fuck Thank you for calling the clearance swamp, how may I help you?

Caller: Do you blargle nargle boodle flerble? Also, Batman.

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?

Caller: (real slow and deliberate because they now think I'm the World's Biggest Idiot and must never be allowed in public without a helmet and a drool cup) Do you have the new Batman move?

Me: We sure do.



The Shop At Home SC

Me: (answering another outside call) Fuck Thank you for calling the clearance swamp, how may I help you today?

Caller: Do you have placemats?

Me: We sure do.

Caller: Do you have any in solid colors?

Me: Yes we do.

Caller: What colors do you have?

Me: We have placemats in many different colors. We'll be happy to show you the full assortment when you visit us. (Nice way for me to say "Get off the couch and out of your PJs and come on out here, for chrissakes.")

Caller; Are there any in neutral colors? I'm looking for something neutral.

Me: (repeats the above)

Caller: What material do they come in?

Me: (repeats the above again)

Caller: If you don't want to help me, I'll just take my business elsewhere.

Me: (repeats the above because it would impolite to say "Yeah, you go do that." and hang up the phone).

I wasted five minutes I could've spent working our massive truck for this?

ETA: Variation on the above: the Lazy Event Planner. Wants a green Easter basket that is 7.5 inches in diameter. Yes, you have to measure them. Oh, you don't have any? Then what colors, sizes and shapes of Easter baskets do you have?

[Lace Neil Singer]

Last Minute Larry (or Lucy).

This customer will know damn well what time the store closes, yet will always insist on rolling in the store five minutes before it closes. Will express surprise when informed that the store is closing, act apologetic and feign ignorance... and then return the next week and do the exact same thing.

[Dreamstalker]

The Stalker:

Rather than simply ask "Excuse me" when they see you, they proceed to follow you through half the store on returns duty only to pop a question at the most inopportune moment (scaling a shelf/hands full of glass/head literally inside a shelf full of glass). Are you only capable of speech when I'm holding a certain item?

[WishfulSpirit]

The "INeverApprovedThat" SC - This is usually a female. Typically around X-Mas time. She will order custom greeting cards with the oh so special and VERY important greeting from the Johnsons, Huffers, (insert well-to-do name here) etc. She will order 200 double-sided color cards. She will return to approve the quality, checking the spelling of her greeting, and she will SIGN off on a completed "proof". She will agree to have production started ASAP...aaaaand the next day when she picks up her order---She finds an error she missed!! I just love those ladies. They are the greatest. The cream of the crop. And hey, you know that it's always the guy at the counters' fault who finds her order as well. ALWAYS.

I did the first part once when getting business cards. Missed an error. The poor clerk cringed like I was going to hit her. Guess what I did then? I told the clerk it was MY FAULT for not checking properly and would be happy to pay for a reorder. She offered me a discount (which I refused...it was, after all, MY FAULT).