OMGWTFBBQ I RAN OUT OF THE ELIXER OF LIFE!!!

[ackmeow]

Otherwise known as...

English breakfast tea.

Yes, ladies and Gents, English Breakfast. One of the most common, least in quality, refined, processed and at least in my opinion thoroughly disgusting tea has been recalled and put on hold due to an issue with quality control (As in do not sell or face the wrath of hell) and as such, we -GASP!- Do not have any!

PS: I'm working at a tea shop now.

Now, in a sea of delicious tea of many types, qualities and various flavours such as a caramel chocolate nut with grapes and cranberries, why would one choose a tea that looks (And tastes, at least to me) like it's dried and ground up goblin skin?

Apologies to those who like english breakfast, but I've been spoiled by the choices we sell. Some of which blow my mind.

Well, this lovely wummin wants some. She calls the store up and, well, here's the transcript.

Me: Thank you for calling Big T, this is Ackmeow speaking, what can I do for you?

W: Is there someone I can talk to?

*BEEP BEEP BOOP!* No; This unit is not programmed to talk to customers.

What am I, a machine?

Me: I can probably help you.

W: Can I talk to your supervisor?

Me: She's gone for the night. Sorry.

W: What about your manager?

Me: He left a few hours ago. I'm sure I can help you with your questions however.

W: Do you have any English Breakfast?

Me: No, sorry but-

W: My husband was in the store an hour ago and he said you didn't have any!

Ok. First, you interrupt me. Second, if you knew we were out, why did you ask? Why did you call? Sorry, but the goblins shed their skin every fortnight and they haven't had their cinnamon noms so the stock is a little lacking.

Me: Sorry, but the goblins shed their skin every fortnight and they haven't had their cinnamon noms so the stock is a little lacking.

(No, I didn't say that, but I totally wanted to. )

W: When are you expecting to get some in?

Me: The shipments of tea come in so infrequently that we don't know when we're supposed to receive any, not to mention that we can't control what tea we get. Sorry, but-

W: Why don't you have any?

Me: We haven't received any for some time. Sorry.

W: But it's the only tea we drink!

So, let me get this straight. You come to our store chain, one that is (Supposedly) reputed for having some of the best and highest quality teas around and you buy the equivalent of a diet soda in a fine wine store? Not to mention that your choice of "Beverage" is available at EVERY FREAKING GROCERY STORE and you come to us and beetch to me about my lack?

Excuse me while I try to comprehend that. Merhaps you come to us, buy a crappy tea then brag to your friends that you shop at "Big T" and expect your image to reflect class.

So, if I take a shiet in a gold plated toilet does that mean I'm a connoisseur in shit-taking?

Me: If you want, I can put some on hold for you when we do get some.

W: No, I can't wait that long. What does it take to get some answers? I want english breakfast.

*POOF!* Wish Granted! it'll take a few... weeks for you to get your english breakfast, but you'll get it. Just wait. Just about as long for... I dunno... whenever we get a shipment in?

W: Is there someone else I can talk to?

My pet badger needs a lover. Can I introduce you two?

Me: Sorry, everyone else is busy.

W: Well, seeing as nobody can give me any answers, I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere.

Me: YAAAAAYYYYY!!! *Click!*

Oh wait. She hung up first. She didn't hear my exclamation.

Fun!

EDIT: Changed the text as apparently English Breakfast and Orange Pekoe are different teas. Huh.

[Pixilated]

I do like the English Breakfast tea but good grief ... it's not like there aren't plenty of extremely similar teas to choose from. If she comes in again hand her a box of Tetley's.

[KatherineB]

To be fair, I can't actually drink almost any other type of tea (being fructose intolerant) and I do like English Breakfast because it's a break from drinking plain old water at breakfast time. I also drink diet soda when I go to wineries, so clearly I need to be taken out the back and shot in the fetlock.

That said, she doesn't have to be a bitch about it.

[kpzra]

None of the English Breakfast tea I've had has been anything like orange pekoe. That is what most call plain black tea while English breakfast is a higher quality/blend. In fact I'm drinking some right now, the other is left for iced tea. They are not to be confused in my house.

[ackmeow]

That's interesting. My boss/coworkers say (at least what I remember) that the english breakfast we sells is the lowest quality tea we have, as well as being rather low quality in itself, and is the same tea as orange pekoe. Maybe I'm mistaken. Oh well.

[PepperElf]

Now, in a sea of delicious tea of many types, qualities and various flavours such as a caramel chocolate nut with grapes and cranberries, why would one choose a tea that looks (And tastes, at least to me) like it's dried and ground up goblin skin?

quoted for truth. I have some I bought in England. In 2005. I've barely touched it.

Is it the same as Orange Pekoe? If so... I'll foist it on my BF. He likes orange pekoe I think.

[AngloSaxonViking]

That's interesting. My boss/coworkers say (at least what I remember) that the english breakfast we sells is the lowest quality tea we have, as well as being rather low quality in itself, and is the same tea as orange pekoe. Maybe I'm mistaken. Oh well.

English Breakfast tea is nothing like Orange Pekoe.

EB is properly a blend mainly containing better teas (Darjeeling or Ceylon) and Assam to give it some oomph. However, there's no standard defined, and many suppliers use the cheapest possible cr*p, and just as many make really good stuff. I suggest to your boss that he/she should try sourcing several varieties from different places, and do a taste test.

I'm in UK, I buy a FairTrade English Breakfast from my supermarket's Taste the Difference range, and it's lovely. Of course you HAVE TO make it strong and you HAVE TO put milk in it, which is counter to what you do with all other teas. On the other hand, it gets you from "one eye slightly open" to "able to face the day" with no pain in only 5 minutes.

[ackmeow]

Hmm. I may have to let them know. thanks for the history lesson.

[taxguykarl]

W: Is there someone else I can talk to?

My pet badger needs a lover. Can I introduce you two?

Good one BTW, you owe me a monitor.

[Teskeria]

Good one BTW, you owe me a monitor.

Forgot rule #1 didn't you?

[Ironclad Alibi]

Good one BTW, you owe me a monitor.

Were you drinking tea at that moment?

[Pixilated]

English Breakfast tea is nothing like Orange Pekoe.

EB is properly a blend mainly containing better teas (Darjeeling or Ceylon) and Assam to give it some oomph. However, there's no standard defined, and many suppliers use the cheapest possible cr*p, and just as many make really good stuff. I suggest to your boss that he/she should try sourcing several varieties from different places, and do a taste test.

*snip*

Good idea, but I suspect this is a very large corporation, so their suppliers are pretty much set in stone.

I am guilty of tea blasphemy, I'm afraid, because I've had a few customers come in who are completely new to any tea out of the ordinary and say they want to start with something close to orange pekoe (which I grew up on) ... and I always point them to the English Breakfast. Some are more adventurous and willing to branch out immediately but ...

[dalesys]

...you buy the equivalent of a diet soda in a fine wine store?...

...insist on drinking from the plastic bag of pruno* your buds smuggled out of the joint while at a free tasting spnsored by the premier wineries...

* ask Kara what pruno is... In 2011 8 maxers at the Utah State prison got botulism poisoning from pruno.

[ackmeow]

Googled Pruno. Seriously? The things people will do for a drink. Wow.

[MoonCat]

Well, if she only drinks English Breakfast, and you don't have any, then "taking her business elsewhere" isn't exactly going to hurt you, is it? Which of course she never figured out...