Dear....

[Alfie]

Dear Mum,
I know that you are slowly morphing into a Psycho Bitch, but could you please hold off until I have moved out. It's not that long, really. Just wait until next Wednesday night before you decide to go into my 22 year old brother's room and start screaming at him to fall asleep.

And don't get mad at me when I try to get you to go away, because you are not in a healthy state of mind. It is NOT ok for you to scream at him, it is NOT ok how he is behaving. However, you can not control him, so stop trying to.

And it isn't ok that I have to wake up at 11.30pm terrified in my bed thinking that maybe you will hit him (again), or maybe that he will finally retaliate. Your relationship together is poisonous, and you both need help. And after I get you to go to bed, and stop screaming at my brother, you screaming at me not to touch you when I touched your shoulder when I guided you through the kitchen, do NOT tell me in the morning not to interfere when you are disciplining your son. I am YOUR daughter, surely you have enough respect for me to let me sleep in peace, and not be freaking out in my bedroom. What you are doing is WRONG, why can't you see it?

And for fuck's sake, you are the one who suspects that he has a mental illness, so I don't know how much screaming at him will help his state of mind.

Alfie.

PS: Have you not realised that what you are doing is scarring our relationship for life? I can no longer forgive you for what you are doing, I can not forget what you are doing. The pain wont go away, and that's why I have been distancing myself from you. And that's why I will continue to.

Fuck I wish dad was here.

For all those who read this, mum was mad at my brother because he was still awake at 11.30, playing computer games. Apparently he has to go to bed at 10am and wake up at 8am. That's what normal people do.

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear Mum and Dad,

Sometimes you really aggravate me and sometimes I don't know what the hell I would do without you. I know there is stuff I'm supposed to do and I haven't done it yet, but in case you haven't noticed: I'm not mentally fit to live by myself. I have the mind of a 14 year old with access to a lot of porn. Mostly hot-smexy-man-porn.

I understand I'm supposed to have made an appointment with the doctors to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and this vicious cycle of mood swings/personality shifts. I understand I am not supposed to crack my neck/back/shoulders/elbows/knuckles/toes because the chiropractor said it wasn't good for me, but dang-it, it hurts if I don't! I am at least eating mostly right (I need a sammich) and I'm keeping my glucose levels under control.

Please don't hound me about getting a job, although so far this round you haven't. I'm very thankful for that, but I don't dictate who calls me back first or when. I tried that, I'm pretty sure my application was junked upon reading that.

And please pay me back the 300$ I gave you to get out of the hole. I'd really like that money back in my emergency fund.

Thanks,
-Your Son "Clyde"

Dear Mimi,

I stopped eating sugar, please stop buying junkfood. I had a nervous breakdown and I hit rock bottom so hard I was sick for two days. So please don't make me go into a sugar coma just to keep you happy, as much as I want to die, I'd really rather not do it here and I have a list of stuff I have to do the length of my leg I have to complete beforehand.

Your grandbaby,
Me

Dear Aunt C,

What part of "gay" didn't you get the first time? Stop teasing me about my friends! Just because they're my friends it doesn't mean I wanna shag 'em!

-Me

Dear Sister-chan,

Will you make me jello when we move to NM?
-Your baby bro

Dear fuzzy child that doesn't exist yet,

There are a lot of things I'm sort of expecting from you, and I want you to know that you don't have to perfect. If I start to get all uppity about it, you have my full permission to snap at me to get my attention. Just please don't break any skin. I can only imagine what your teething days will be like, and though I may talk to you about my last fuzzy-sister, please understand that you are in no way, shape or form, a replacement for her. You will be your own fuzzy self and I will promise to teach you to the best of my ability. Please don't be upset if I get impatient, but I'm a real crappy teacher, I admit now. If I get impatient, go see Big Sister and she'll yell at me for you.

I love you so much and I haven't met you yet!
-Your Big Brother.

Dear Gaming Buddies,

Psychobilly Freakout. Left handed. On Expert. BEAT MY SCORE BITCH-BOYS!

Your Man In Amsterdam,
Shinsuke Maru

[Evil Queen]

Dear Sister-chan,

Will you make me jello when we move to NM?
-Your baby bro

Dear baby Bro,

Yes I'll make you jello but only as long as it isn't fruit punch flavoured.

-Your mean big sister

Dear FurrBaby I want to adopt,

Why do you have to be so expensive to adopt? I know it's a good idea to get you fixed and your shots up top date and a chip "installed" but gosh darn it, why will you cost hundreds of dollars when my last furrbaby was less then 40$? Personally, I don't blame you. I blame TX, but that's another "dear" letter.

-Your wanna-be-future-Mommy
EQ

[Evil Queen]

Dear TX,

Why do you have to suck?

Not much love,
-EQ

[blas]

Dear Mom and Grampa Asshole,

I am sorry I'm not perfect like my little brother. You think it's so funny to call him "Brains" and call me "Beauty". You think it's so cute to point out how he is going to college immediately this fall, is graduating with honors, and will be making hundreds of thousands of dollars more than me while I waste away at a factory.

FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU. I graduated with a 3.0. I graduated in the top 50% of my class. Most kids around here are a bunch of slobbering pieces of meat. I am smarter than a lot of people my age. Let's see...I also don't have any kids yet, I haven't been incarcerated, I have a clean criminal record, I make MORE money than you, Mommy dearest with your fancy degree, I work full time, I have my OWN apartment that I pay for on my OWN, I can afford all of my bills and guess what? I am doing ALRIGHT.

Stop trying to put a wedge between me and baby brother. We have a great relationship and I do NOT want you to tarnish it by trying to brainwash him into thinking that I'm a failure. STOP telling him "Don't do what your sister did". By the way, your perfect little son does drink and he does smoke pot. So he is just as bad if not worse than I was.

I love you two, but sometimes, I wish you'd go to HELL. I may regret writing this later, but at this very moment, I am pissed that YET AGAIN you HAD to remind me of how great and smart little brother is and how big of a failure I am.

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear baby Bro,

Yes I'll make you jello but only as long as it isn't fruit punch flavoured.

-Your mean big sister

Dear Sister-Chan,

DANG-IT!!

-Your pouting baby brother.



Dear Verizon,

I understand it's late, but I've been trying to get a "Temporary PIN" from you for two days because I've been trying to figure out the the HECK is with this phantom voicemail on my grandmother's phone. There shouldn't be a voicemail, because voicemail wasn't set up. I'd really appreciate it if you got back to me in the 20 minutes it says stated on your website, but since I've been sitting here staring at the screen for 3 hours WAITING FOR YOU, I don't think I'm going to get a bloody answer.

Thanks, but whatever,
A customer with a migraine


Dear Dad,

Just because I was staring at the vacuum cleaner doesn't mean my mind went unhinged. Thanks to you and your saying that, I can't look at the vacuum without dying from laughter. Thanks a lot, old man.

-Your son "Clyde"

[Seshat]

Dear people who try to get me into an accident,

Yes, I drive a company van, a big one. Cutting me off and then slamming on your breaks will NOT make me rear-end you. I know, times must be hard enough for you to try to commit a felony (insurance fraud) just to try to get extra cash.

That's insane.


Dear parents,

When your daughter has just gone into shock from pain, and all you could do for her was give her over-the-counter painkillers, this is not the time to lecture her on how much of a wuss she is.

I didn't even cry. I didn't complain. I just sat there and tried not to spoil your outing. I knew how important it was to the two of you to share your pretty picnic spot with us, that's why I didn't say anything when I realised it was going to hurt me to get there.

But just because I chose to bear the pain in silence and mask it from my expression as much as possible, doesn't mean it wasn't severe. It put me into shock, dammit! I can't help being in pain! I don't need a lecture on top of it.

You're a pair of ungrateful asshats sometimes, and I really didn't want to have to realise that.

Your loving, but badly disappointed daughter.

[Jester]

Dear Mom and Stepdad:

Thank you for being the rockin' parents you have been. You weren't perfect, you did the best you could, and frankly, that was pretty damn good. I'm sorry if I sometimes disappoint you or don't live up to your expectations, and I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you in the time we've been together. And thank you for reminding me how awesome you are, every time I hear a story about how this or that parent did this or that fucked up thing to their kid......Y'all rock, and I love you both.

Gratetful Jester


Dear Fucked Up Parents of the World:

Stop being such assholes and shitting on people I like. Sack up, pull the stick out of your ass, and stop being such bungholes.

Annoyed Jester


Dear Friend:

Thank you for rubbing it in. Thank you for coming to my bar with the hot chick you are hooking up with, while I sit there and play Golden Tee and look like a tool. Thanks for introducing me to this attractive, intelligent, charming, funny, witty young lady that you are banging and in a week won't give a shit about while you know I haven't gotten laid since the Nixon Administration. Thank you for telling me every single time you hook up with some hottie tourist, while you know that, for whatever reason, even the ugly ones aren't looking my way. You are an awesome Wing Man. Thanks for making sure I know that if I hung out with you more, I would hook up more....even though I have never ONCE hooked up while hanging out with you, and you not only don't help me out as a "Wing Man," but actively tear me down in front of any women we might meet.

Thanks, "friend."

Pissy Jester


Dear Cupid.com,

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop sending me a "match notification" for the girl I dated 2 years ago. Yeah, she's hot.....I'll give you that. But she also is the Second Most Psychotic Girl I've Ever Dated. Which means I ain't going through that minefield again, mmkay?

Unimpressed Jester


Dear Ex-Fiancee,

...

Jester

[Slytovhand]

I thought it was obvious. I despise my middle name, and want it to go away. Preferably far away. Say, Madagascar. Or Pluto. It's one of only two things I have never forgiven my mother for. The other one being lima beans.

Well - true, it was sort of obvious... but then, why not change it? I don't have the name my parents in this life gave me, and it's "I'd have to kill you if I told you" material now... I decided it was more important than leaving a place that I hated being in... (but that's just me!) It offended the hell out of my father... but hey - who gives a toss?

[draftermatt]

Dear Home Computer,

How? How did you get riddled with viruses, spam, spyware, etc? I've tried and I thought I was succesful in cleaning you up, but AVG told me last night that you had 3 more viruses! I take care of you, I don't visit sketchy websites, in fact all the trouble started after I visited Myspace!

I'll reformat you in June when the Mrs is done with school because knowing my luck something will go horribly wrong when I attempt to fix you again.

Dear Pshyco Bitch who used to own my house,

Ok, thank-you for accepting our offer, we love the house and the neighborhood. But,

1. Why did you decorate the landscape with red rocks? It looked stupid and it took me two days to get rid of it all.

2. Why did you let your horse of a dog gnaw on everything? I've got to replace all the door trim, the sliding door, etc because he scratched it all to hell.

3. I know they are your friends, but do you have any idea how odd it is to look out my window Saturday nights and see your vehicle parked next door? It's almost every freaking weekend you are there! (PS S & C are annoyed that you visit D & C but not them)

4. It's not your house anymore, it is my wife's and mine. Please when we see you stop referring to it as yours. Also, saying "I wish I could pay you to just sleep there another night" and running off crying just made us feel extremely awkward, I've changed the locks because of that incident.

Dear Awesome Neighbors,

You rock. You've got your eccentricities for sure but for the most part you rock. I'll get used to knocking on the door when I need something instead of running to the store or borrowing it from my Dad, but you have to understand. Growing up, and at my last house I (or my Dad) were the one's people borrowed from. We were the one's who did it all first and people followed suit, so it's going to take me a while to get used to asking for things. It's no slight on you, I'm just not used to it.

Side bar #1: Sure, I'm a little crazy, but when something flies off my roof I will put the ladder up there and fix it. I have no fear of heights or roofs so standing on the ground saying "I've got 911 on hold" isn't really funny. And sure I could have called and asked you to spot me when I was running the chainsaw from a top a ladder, but I had my cell on me had I cut my hand off.

Side bar #2: I'm an early riser. (I will never run power tools or my mower before 10 AM on a weekend though.) So, if you get out of bed at 10 AM Sunday morning and look outside to see my yard looks a lot different don't be surprised.

Side bar #3: I too care about my lawn (obviously not as much as you though M) but I feel no need to mow my lawn on April 2 when it's just a smidgen shaggy, especially if I just put seed down. Please stop with the odd looks, I'll mow in a week or two.

Dear Other Neighbors,

STAY OFF OF MY LAWN

[Jester]

...why not change it?

Not sure. Not worth the effort? Not that huge a deal? Don't want to change what my parents named me? Despite my opinion of my middle name, I was named after my father's father--both my first and middle names come from his first and middle names. Sure, I go on about my middle name being a piece of crap (and it is), but there are far worse out there, and when it comes down to it, there are far worse things in my life.

At least nowadays Florida allows me to only have my middle initial on my license, not my full name like they used to require.

[MystyGlyttyr]

Dear Coworkers,

See that thing on your desk, making that ringing sound? That's calling your PHONE. And if it rings more than three times, SOMEONE is supposed to pick it up. It doesn't matter who. Granted, it's supposed to be me most of the time, that's part of my job-to answer your phone when you aren't here to answer it. However, if I am ALREADY on the phone with someone who was calling one of YOU, or on the phone with one of my funeral homes, doing the MAIN part of my job (because hi, you guys might squabble over front page, but face facts, MY page o'death is the most read in the paper, so get used to it) and another phone starts ringing, ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO GET IT.

Further, if you are in the newsroom and your phone is ringing, kindly stop chatting long enough to ANSWER IT. It's really getting hard to resist the urge to start telling your sources that they aren't more important than your date last night and the color of your new shoes. Honestly, I don't care if you blab all day long, just ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

Kisses,
Mysty


Dear Funeral Homes,

The deadline (pun) to get the obituaries in to me is 2:30. Some of you do not seem to understand the definition of the word "deadline". So I consulted dictionary.com for you.

"the time by which something must be finished or submitted; the latest time for finishing something: a five o'clock deadline."

Okay, that means you have UNTIL 2:30 to get the stuff to me. NOT, as many of you seem to think, that you have to get it to me AT 2:30. Because every day, from 2:25 to 2:45, I am actually unable to do any work other than answer the phone and tell all of you that the reason the fax is busy is because ten of you are jamming it all at once since none of you could be bothered to do your JOBS until the last possible second.

Further, if it were up to me, we would have a "corrections" deadline, say, 3, by which time you would have to call in any corrections or errors or whatever you find on your obituaries...otherwise, the obit goes in messed up and YOU have to pay to fix it. When they're supposed to be in the hands of the copy editors at 4:00 and at 4:55, I'm still taking phone calls from you because you left off half a dozen relatives, there's a freaking problem. I'm actually very aware that several of you are sending "placeholder" obituaries just prior to deadline so that you can call me 10 times afterwards to make your "little" corrections. I'm planning to let you know this in very great and very loud detail as soon as my manager RM's back is turned.

Finally, you should all be coming up here to regularly lick RM's boots, because if she weren't here to be a level head of reason and compassion, I would be a freaking NAZI about the obituaries and it would be a flaming miracle if I allowed an obit sent at 2:30:05 to be put in the paper, let alone any of the rest of this.

Sincerely,
Mysty


Dear hydrogen peroxide spray that I just spritzed into an open wound,

AHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!

Burninatingly,
Mysty

P.S. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! ...hey, cool, bubbles. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Saydrah]

Dear Roommate of Mine,

You are a fine roommate, truly. You're an upstanding human being who has gotten a rough shake in life, and I'm quite glad to have been around to pluck you off the streets twice now and help you get your life back together, since neither time you were nearly homeless was it your fault in any way. However.

FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN YOU USE IT!!!!!

Also, just because we recently moved and you now have much more privacy, does not mean that you no longer have chores. You still pay 1/3 of the rent and I pay 2/3. The agreement is that, in exchange for your not being able to pay as much rent as I do, you do certain chores around the house. I understand you are enjoying your privacy and probably wanking 30 times a day now that you have a room with, well, a door. But please come out, wash your hands, and help unpack the rest of our stuff, do the dishes, mop the kitchen floor, and clean the tub and toilet. It's not much to ask, considering you've also been eating those homemade cookies I got from my mom without permission, and those are GOOD cookies.

Sincerely,

Had it with Floaters.


Dear SO,

I love you. But do NOT block my car into the driveway when I have to work in the morning. Or, if you do, your ass better be up moving it BEFORE I am ready to leave, not sleeping like a nude log when I'm ready to leave and THEN suddenly find my car can't be moved.

Oh, and if you can't be bothered to abide by the above? Don't act hurt if you don't get a goodbye kiss and instead receive a goodbye GLARE as I run to my car to leave as soon as you've removed yours.

One more thing: Providing care for your grandfather and grandmother is important, and I think it's really sweet you're dedicated to being there for them as long as they need you. Too many people these days don't respect their elders. However, they have other people with them on the weekends. GET A DAMN JOB on the weekends, and when I FIND you jobs, stop making excuses like "I don't know how to do that!" DUH you don't know how to do that, you haven't started yet- that's what TRAINING is for.

Love,
Blocked In Second Fiddle

[Becks]

Part 2 for the man.

If you buy a gallon of 2% milk for me and a gallon of skim for you, why do you drink the 2% first? I DESPISE skim milk and you know it. You're just to damn lazy to move your pitcher of...what is it today? fruit punch? out of the way.

Oh, and that cereal you're eating? You told me you didn't like it. You're still eating it. WHY?

[blas]

Dear Wild Exotic Orchard of Pimples On My Left Cheek:

I swore I'd gotten rid of you last week.....just when the hell did you renew your lease with me?

Dear Minivan Family Of Four On My Right Cheek:

Where the fuck did you come from? Great...both sides of my cheeks are full of pimples.......I am never wearing safety goggles at work again.

Fuck you,

Pizzaface