Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[Eireann]

It sounds like TD is trying desperately hard to rationalize her decision to go back to the guy who beat the crap out of her and left her outside the house. How does she do this? By claiming that those who helped her, were really taking advantage of her.

It's also all too true that all of you had spent a lot of time challenging all the bullshit BB had been feeding her. When you start to break free of all the lies and manipulation someone's been handing you, you don't know where you are. You feel like there's nothing to believe in. You have one person claiming to "love" you, while causing you immense emotional, and often physical pain. On the other hand, you have friends who rally around you and give you emotional support, but they, not being manipulators, are open and honest about their feelings. You're not used to this. You're used to lies and deceit.

Manipulators like this are very, VERY good at what they do. Okay, they're very EFFICIENT at what they do. I don't want to use the word "good" here. They use the low, soothing voice. They intersperse insults with compliments (actually, the "compliments" are veiled insults, but when you're in such a low state, they sound like compliments). They tell you how much you mean to them, how they couldn't get along without you, they'll never never never do it again, etc.

And it's easier, it seems to you then, to keep on with that rather than stand up for yourself, move out, move on, be independent, stand on your own two feet, and - here is the crunch - change your entire way of thinking.

Because it's not just about one manipulative fuck. It's about what that manipulative fuck saw in you to KNOW that s/he could get you to play his/her game. Sharks can scent an extremely small amount of blood in a large volume of water, and they move in. It's the same with these bastards. They know what to look for, and they know how to use it.

So, my guess is that BB's been spending a few days brainwashing TD and working her into a frenzy so that she wants to believe that the people who have been bending over backwards to help her, are just out to take advantage of her. I think we've all known someone who, in a relationship, can be worked up easily by his/her partner, exploding into a rage while the partner sits back and enjoys the fireworks. That's what is happening here.

Of course, BB also wants to view himself as the good guy. They always do. That's why he tries to excuse his behavior. He doesn't say, "Screw you, bitch! Next time you'll get a whole lot worse! Don't even think about talking back to me!" He tried to excuse his behavior to her, to you, to several other people. But he knows that you know what a shitstain he really is, so he's seething at all of you.

My recommendation is, tell the police exactly what has been happening, and tell them that you're afraid for the safety of those who have helped TD, since you can't tell just how far BB's anger and vengeance will go.

As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to let people fuck up their lives entirely. TD may, one day, realize how much you've done for her. In the meantime, BB got her around to believing that you've been taking advantage of her, and she's given all of you the metaphorical finger. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

[crazylegs]

Just a little thought for the day.

In the UK the average abused spouse will suffer 33 seperate acts of violence (as in on totally seperate occasions) before they phone the police for THE FIRST TIME. Let alone actually getting out of the relationship.

[Gravekeeper]

.....wow, I came in late to this rather epic clusterfuck and just wow.

I have nothing to add save summing it up by saying:

You can't save someone from themselves.

[Jester]

My guess is she's ashamed and trying to pass it off on everyone else to justify a decision she knows is wrong. I would bet you anything it doesn't really even make sense to HER right now.

And this is why, even after all that has happened, I am still not angry at her, though many people involved definitely are. I am not angry at her, I am not pissed. I am just sad.

[reformedwaitress]

It makes me almost ask why I bother.

You bother cause you care about her and your heart is bigger than even you realize sometimes. And even if you hadn't known her for years, even if you'd only known her a few weeks or months, like the rest of us, you still would have done everything you did.

How do I know this? Cause I know you. And you're a good guy.

Back on topic, I won't go into this subject because even though I've been there, explaining her actions just isn't really possible. My guess is she's ashamed and trying to pass it off on everyone else to justify a decision she knows is wrong. I would bet you anything it doesn't really even make sense to HER right now.

I know my reasonings never made sense to me. I was just ashamed.

[Saydrah]

*sigh* I don't really even know what to say, except that she's lashing out because some part of her knows that she has no future (not the relationship has no future... SHE has no future) with this guy and that her support system is crumbling after she abused all the people who care about her.

[Jester]

Things are turning uglier....

"Cause I can't leave things well alone..." (Natalie Imbruglia)

So today I suddenly remembered that back when I had been helping TD and trying to be a good friend, I loaned her a book that I had finished with that she was interested in.

Knowing I should just write said book off, but not being able to let things lay, I texted TD and asked her if there was a chance I could get it back. I said nothing else.

And then all text message hell broke loose.

TD claimed (or BB, hard to know for sure over text) that:

--we had all turned on her, assuming and judging without knowing the facts, though she has never provided the facts.

--we had all treated her like shit. You know, everyone who had helped her and been there for her and gotten her clothes when she had none and opened up their homes and gone out of their way to do everything in their power to keep the dude from every doing that to her again, even though every single one of them except me only knew her a few months, if that. Yeah, we treated her like shit.

--Cheer Girl had stolen some of her stuff. Because of that, TD does not think she needs to pay Cheer Girl the money that CG spent to change the locks. TD even went so far as to say that she would be filing a police report on the missing stuff. This is the same girl that let the restraining order lapse.

--Cheer Girl had no reason to be freaked out by BB, as she had never met him. Ignoring, of course, the fact that we had all seen his handiwork.

--no one should judge her without having been there. Again ignoring the fact that most of the people trying to help her either knew one or more people who had been there, or they themselves had been there at some point.

--she knew what real friends were, and that we weren't really her friends, because we all just turned on her and assumed she had gone back to BB. After she did go back to him, he had access to her phone, he used it to call Rockin' Manager and yell obscenities at her, she used his truck, and she sent him in to the place she knew he was banned from to pick up her stuff. Yeah, it was rather reckless for us to jump to such a conclusion based upon such flimsy evidence, don't ya think?

Most of us have bent over backwards, me perhaps more than some of the others, to try to help her, and yet we are the bad guys, we don't know what's going on, we are all treating her terribly. Either she really believes this, or someone is convincing her of it, or she is trying to justify something, or she is truly nuts, or a million other possibilities that I am not nearly smart enough to figure out.

I thought I knew this girl. I've known her for eight years. Either she is nuts or the abused woman syndrome is even more complex than I had thought, and because I thought it was so complex, I was giving her more leeway than almost anyone else involved. Personally I don't think she is any nuttier than any other woman, and I believe that this is just the way this whole type of situation plays on a woman's mind. Even if she DID go back to him to leave him, that kind of logic only makes sense to someone who has had their entire confidence and self-esteem systematically broken down.

Again, I can't stress it enough ladies....if you find yourself in a situation that is at all abusive, don't fool yourself into thinking things will change. Well, they WILL change, but they will only change for the worse as the abuse increases.

It makes me almost ask why I bother. I say almost, because the fact of the matter is that the next time someone I care for needs my help, I will be there for them. I will not allow this cesspool of a situaation to poison my mind against helping those in need for fear that they may not appreciate it, even though oftentimes they won't, or for fear that it could turn ugly, as it apparently has with this experience.

[Saydrah]

Just sharing some quotes from this blog post I just saw:
http://community.disaboom.com/commun...nd-growth.aspx

"The problems this person I am providing friendship and care for are deep; to be sure. I could probably do some good. There is trauma involved. There are situations I could help with. There are experiences I have gone through, which I could share knowledge of, that could help this person.

You know what? It is not my place to do so. This person is going to have to deal with their own issues. This person is going to have to dig their own way out. In fact – I am leaving their service."

.....

"Trauma is blinding. I have had a bad case of, “Fix-It,” or, “Save the World,” syndrome. As I have mentioned, the rewards have been immense; the damages have been equally immense."

.....

"I am worthy. Very much so. I can also learn, and I am.

Lucky Charms may be, “Magically Delicious; “ this cycle of trauma crap is not. Time is needed. I will continue to learn, and grow."

That Lucky Charms bit may be the best thing I've heard that relates to this situation, EVAR.

So not magically delicious, TD.... SO not magically delicious.

[AnqeiicDemise]

Jester:

I've bee in in your shoes in my short life far too many times. I know how it feels to do just about everything in your power to help someone who needs it only to have it backfire on you at the last moment.

My 'best' friend (same one who stopped talking to me when I came out of the broom closet and said I was going to hell for believing such things.) called me out of the blue about six months ago, bawling her little head off. Her baby-daddy, the live in boyfriend, had played drum line on her body and choked her half to death. She asked, begged for help and I, being in San Fransisco at the time didn't know what to do as she was in LA.

So I did what I could do. I called people who didn't like this friend because of all the things she'd done to me (long, manipulative, hurtful background here). I begged, pleaded and asked that they help 'Friend' because, well, it doesn't matter how horrible she's treated me, NO ONE deserves to be treated like a human pinata. After much begging, my mother finally relented and said she'd open her home up to 'Friend'. My other best friend (she's more of a sister) said she'd help F only because F was driving around like an idiot with her baby in tow.

F had called the police. F had gotten her baby daddy arrested and sent to court-mandated anger management.

F never showed up at the pick up spot and never went to my mother's house. Two days later she was back with BD who had 'changed because of his jail time and was really, really sorry.'

I don't talk to F much. She still calls me from time to time and I pick up and talk to her. I feel bad if I cut her out completely as she feels abandoned as *everyone* in her life turned her back on her (because of a very much TD situation). Its just not the same, though. We talk about nothing and it feels detached. If she feels like asking for help, I don't know if I could do it again.

I figure she'll leave when she realizes she has to, and I hope that comes before the second kid comes out in September.

But some people don't learn, Jester. Some people don't leave even after the gun's been pulled and shot in their general direction. Some people don't react like you want them to when the anger is taken out on the child (i.e. my oldest blood sister. The kid's been shot at *twice*. Niece is unharmed, btw, thank the gods).

And you can't beat yourself up over it. If you do, you won't ever get some peace of mind, Jester-dear. You'll just drive yourself sick and hinder yourself from living your *own* life.

Keep TD in your prayers, Jester, like I keep F and Sis in mine. Its the most you can do in hopes that, someday, they open up their eyes and finally walk away.

Its a sad, miserable case, I know. And it hurts sometimes, to realize you just don't care anymore (or that you don't feel like caring) because you're a giving person with a heart of gold. You stepped up to the plate. You went above and beyond what was called for.

For that, on behalf of the battered women who *DO* get out and honestly *want* to get out, Thank You.


-Demise

[Talon]

Wow.

TD, you are a real fucked-up piece of work. Do you think the whole world revolves around you?

Any sympathy I might have had for her up until now, just went up in smoke. Until she A) leaves the loser, B) apologizes to her friends, and C) pays back the $50 for the changed locks, I might actually give a damn about her fate. Congrats Jester, you're a better person than I would be in your shoes.

For the record, I do understand the victim mindset. My best friend was married to a manipulative psycho. 2 of her cousins are going through the same bullshit right now. But you know what? That's no excuse! TD's an adult, she has a responsibility to both herself and to her friends. She failed, she knows it, and apparently doesn't give a damn. How much sympathy am I supposed to feel?

[Saydrah]

Take care of YOU first, Jester. This is making everyone sick and crazy. You have no obligation to be there for her twice. I hope things will work out so you CAN be if and when she finally does leave him (I'm ever the optimist) but if it's hurting YOU, don't do it. You can't help anyone if you sacrifice your sanity for one person who's already rejected your help and the help of everyone else in the situation.

[crazylegs]

Emotions can do strange things to people, they can make you run into burning buildings to look for total strangers, they can make total volunteers go out onto force nine seas in an inflatable rib to rescue those from a sunken ship, they can make you devote your life to a single person, this is the power someone who is suffering from Domestic Abuse is up against.

Love is all blinding, it makes you ignore all the bad points against someone, remember that ex that used to always ask you questions and you thought that was great because they truseted your judgment and now you just find it plain annoying that they bug you all the time.

Someone in a DA situation will not have been hit straight away from the offset of the relationship, Abusers are cunning, they first destroy your self esteem, they take away your confidence, they make you feel like you cannot survive without them, then and only then does the violence start, but its not broken bones, its a slap and the victim will justify it they didn't mean to, I made him angry or He loves me, he'd never try to hurt me, he won't do it again. Only it doesn't stop, and the more the Abuser works on their victim the more the self esteem and confidence goes, so then the violence increases. Its no longer a slap, its a punch, a kick, they're thrown down the stairs, they get bones broken, but all the time the Abuser is destroying what tiny semblance of dignity and self respect the victim has left until the Abuser has total control and the vicitm cannot leave their abuser.

I'm aware of one incident where (similar to this one) the victim had had enough, they had left. They phoned the police who arranged to go back into the house and pick up some of her belongings, only they couldn't remove the abuser whilst they did this because it was his house, so all the while when she was packing her suitcase he was calling up the stairs telling her he loved her and that he could't live without her and he would never hurt her again. All the while the packing got slower and slower and slower until she stopped. She put down what she had just picked up and placed it back in the drawer, and repeated with all her belongings and unpacked her suitcase.

This is the power of emotions, the total control they have over us and the power of Domestic Abuse.

(Throughout this I have said 'He' for the abuser, I am fully aware there is a significant number of men in abusive relationships, I merely said 'He' for ease of typing).

Stay Safe

[Jester]

Jester - take a day off. I bet your brain needs a defrag sans Everclear.

I'd love to. I can't. Not only do I need the money (and took yesterday off for other reasons), but I am probably going to have to work Cheer Girl's day shift tomorrow in addition to my own night shift. She is REALLY sick.

[Jester]

Well, today was interesting. Much happened, most of it bad. The above post, that I posted at about 8:00, was actually a post I had been working on this morning, but had to finish up after I got home from work, after everything went down, but I still wanted those thoughts posted. And now, more fun-filled family entertainment:

Last night, fed up and freaked out by the whole situation, the girl who had taken TD in (we'll call her Cheer Girl) decided she was done getting screwed over, so she packed up all of TD's stuff in her place, put it her (Cheer Girl's) car, and this morning, when she went into work, she brought it all there, and texted TD that she could get her stuff back, and that she needed her keys back from TD. She got no response to her text. She also changed the locks on her place (costing her $50) as she didn't want there to be any chance BB could have access to her place.

I got a text from Rockin' Manager to call her. I was at my other job, not The Bar, so I called her and found quite a bit, and found out more as the day went on, through texts from RM and others. See, TD's job is The Bar, with me and RW and Rockin' Manager and Cheer Girl. I didn't mention it earlier (intentionally) but am clarifying now. So when I got a chance to, I called Rockin' Manager, and she told me that she had actually talked to TD voice to voice (rather than via text), something none of the rest of us had done. So TD is alive. Can't say she is well, but she is alive. TD could not or would not explain to Rockin' Manager why TD did what she did, but did ask about picking up her stuff from The Bar.

Then at a little while later, a lot happened all at the same time. I got three phone calls from the same number, which I did not recognize, which I am pretty sure is BB's, though I did not think of it at the time. I later tried calling that number twice, but got no answer and no voice mail.

Also, about that time, Rockin' Manager texted me to tell me that TD, rather than come get her stuff herself, had sent someone else to get it for her.

Okay class, does anyone want to guess just WHO it was that TD sent to The Bar to get her stuff? Anyone? Anyone?

RIGHT! She sent Big Boy himself. You know, the guy who had beaten the crap out of her, starting this whole saga in the first place. The same guy who is BANNED by management from setting foot on the premises of The Bar for any reason, ever. BB called Rockin' Manager from TD's phone (which he had with him), and they got in a screaming match. I guess BB thought it was unreasonable for him not to be allowed to set foot in a business from which he had been banned to get the possessions of the woman he had beaten bloody and senseless. Rockin' Manager in no uncertain--but definitely impolite--words told BB what he could do with this opinion. Finally, sick of it, Rockin' Manager called the police. BB finally got smart and left.

At about this SAME time, I started getting texts from TD. Or at least from TD's phone. Can't say it was TD, can't say it wasn't. But she was telling me that she was simply using BB for the moment, and would be leaving for her home town tomorrow. In different texts, she would later say that she was checking in to a battered women's shelter/home/whatever for six weeks, THEN going back to her home town. Either way, she was saying she was leaving him.

Okay class, can someone please explain why a woman who had left a man who had beaten her bloody and senseless, who had taken out a temporary restraining order and applied for a permanent one against the same man, who had gotten all her stuff from his house two night before while he was in jail for said incident, who had tons of people around her helping her with everything from transportation to clothes to a residence to counseling to court dates, who had actually left the guy....can someone please explain why this woman would go back to this man so that she could then leave him?

Anyone? Anyone? No one? Right. About what I figured. No one can answer this because it defies all logic, even severely twisted emotional logic.

It's at about this point that a lot of people involved in this whole mess started to get the face going full bore. Myself included. I believe my exact thought was "HUH?!?!?!?!"

This all went down about an hour before TD was scheduled to work. Okay, everyone who is surprised to find out that at about this time TD quit her job at The Bar as I had predicted she would, please stand up.

Hmmmm.....interesting. Everyone seems to have remain seated.

So, shortly after this, Cheer Girl left The Bar, her day shift done, and was driving home to the residence she had just cleaned TD's stuff out of, when she found herself being followed by BB's truck. Cheer Girl is a naturally emotional person, and she reacted appropriately: she freaked the fuck out. Turned back around, drove back to work, and they had the head chef follow her in HIS car so she could get home safely.

A little bit after this, I got another text from TD, asking me if I could meet her somewhere so that we could talk. Since it was a text message, I could not be sure that it was TD wanting to talk, or BB trying to get me some place so he could have a new target for his violence. I texted back for TD to call me after I got off work, eventually coming right out in a text and saying that since I could not be sure who was texting me, I would only speak to her voice to voice.

So, later that evening, after work, TD called me. She wanted me to get her stuff from The Bar and meet her somewhere, so she could pick it up and go to a "friend's" house. She had a "friend's" vehicle. I did what any good friend would do.

I told her no.

I told her I WOULD help her get her stuff at The Bar and load it into her vehicle, but I was NOT being her transporter anymore. She told me she couldn't handle facing people at The Bar. I countered by telling her that she needed to take responsibility for her actions. She said that she would, but not when it endangered her mental health. I pointed out that the person most responsible for damaging her mental health was not anyone at The Bar, but BB. The guy she had gone back to. Yeah, him. She finally agreed to meet me at The Bar at a certain time.

Keep in mind, THIS whole conversation was shortly after the one where she hung up on me for "yelling" at her. I never raised my voice. That I was not angry with her, but many other people were. I explained to her why everyone was upset at her. "A lot of people went out of their way to help you, and they are feeling betrayed right now by your actions. People feel like you shit on them. You DID betray a lot of people, but more than anyone, you betrayed yourself."

So finally I met up with TD down at The Bar. Her "friend's" vehicle was none other than BB's. He, however, was not there. She claimed that she was using his truck to get her stuff and bring it to another friend's house. I was rather skeptical. So we load up the truck with all her stuff. I suggest to her that she should probably get Cheer Girl the $50 she had to spend to get her locks changed. I suggested that more than once, since I was getting no response from TD at all. Finally she said, "Yeah, when I get the money, I'll send it to her." My thought right now looking back: "The check's in the mail." After we finally get everything loaded, TD goes to leave. No thank you, no nothing, just an "I have to go." And she went. Later I texted her with "You're welcome." A bit after that, "That's ok, no need to thank me." I have yet to receive any response to either message.

As if all this wasn't enough, there was more. I went to a local bar and got a LARGE shot and a beer, and was calming down from the day's stupidity, getting ready to join some friends at trivia night, when I got a call from Cheer Girl. She had gotten physically ill, and was wondering if I would come over for a bit. She sounded horrible, so I went, picking up soup and Gatorade along the way. She was not acting....she was having cold sweats, puking often, shaking, having bad dreams, and was generally just looking really horrible. So I stayed with her a while, calmed her down, made her soup which she couldn't eat (I ate it, but there is more soup there), stuck around for a bit, and then finally came home to type all this up.

But even the above situation was not simple. As obviously very little is beneath BB, I could very well picture him having gone to Cheer Girl's place with one of his guns, taking her hostage, and making TD go get her stuff and come back....and using a fake illness to lure me, one of his chief detractors and one of TD's chief helpers, back to the place to "take care of me" in some violent way. Cheer Girl's lights were all off when I got there, and I did a slow circle of the parking lot checking to make sure BB's truck was not there. I also called a friend who lived nearby, and had him go with me into Cheer Girl's place to make sure it was just my paranoia. It was, in fact, just my paranoia, but that is how crazy all of this is making everyone.

While I understand that it can be frustrating to stand up for someone and have them go back to the bad situation, it's harder than you think to get out of that victim mind set. You convince yourself that it's your fault or that you don't deserve better and it's hard to get that out of your mind. It's not as simple as just walking away sometimes.

The situation is undiscribeably emotionally complicated for the person going thru it. Please do not call her "stupid" or "weak" even though she seems to be.

That's the thing. She HAD walked away. Many of us had helped her do it. She was struggling with things emotionally, and was in contact with BB without most of our knowledge, but she kept saying to me, "I'm better than this. I deserve better than this." And she believed it. She was OUT. She said she wanted it all to be over, for him to be out of his life, and she was so close to making that happen.

I know it is not a simple situation. I know that people struggle a lot with this kind of thing. But too many people went out of their way for this woman, and most of them are more pissed off than me, and I am somewhat pissed off. I am not ANGRY at her, as many are, but just feel very, very sad for her, and pity her.

I am not calling her "stupid" or "weak." But many other people are, and I cannot blame them or disagree, to be quite honest.

Jester - I understand that it is horrible to watch this happen and not be able to stop it, but I hope you can be there for her again when she tries to get out next time.

I don't know that I can. For someone else in a similar situation, sure. For her.....even I am having trouble with her actions of the last two days, now that things are clearer. Does he have some kind of hold over her? Of course. But if she is serious that she is just using this as a ruse to get away from him, she is obviously not thinking of the collateral damage to other people, and that is very fucking selfish.

Jester, I don't know you from Adam but you seem like a wicked cool dude! Everyone should be as lucky to have a friend like you..

I am. But as I have said from the start, I am not the only person who went out on a limb for TD in this. The whole business circled the wagons protectively around her. Cheer Girl opened up her home to TD. Rockin' Manager was amazing in so many ways. Reformed Waitress was absolutely angelic in her counseling of TD. Me, I drove her around some, and helped her with some cargo.

The time and resources of so many people that were wasted on all this is staggering. Emotionally, I am drained. Rockin' Manager has had two run-ins with BB, both at the business, and while she is a tough broad, she has been left shaking from both of them. Cheer Girl is physically, violently ill. Even The Wall, a very large, thick guy who works at The Bar, saw BB one day at another bar just glaring at him for over an hour. It takes some serious stupidity to glare at a guy The Wall's size. (I didn't choose his pseudonym in here for no reason, after all.) Many people at The Bar have lost a lot of faith in the police, the legal system, and people in general. The police and the court system wasted a lot of time and money on this whole thing, and while I hated the fact that they dragged their feet on this, it is situations just like this one, that they see every day, that cause them to do just that.

I like to think I will be there for TD again. I still consider her a friend. But I am not beyond getting disappointed in or mad at (or even furious at) my friends when they fuck up. And TD fucked up. She was out. She knew that, and she knew she had an amazing support system, even if the legal system wasn't working that great or that quickly to help her. And she threw it all away to go back to this shitstain. Whether it is in fact a ruse to leave him (which makes no sense) or she is just lying and is going to be back with him (which also makes no sense) doesn't matter, really, in the end. She is not the only person that was hurt in this, but she can't see that.

So now I come to the end of this whole sordid tale.

But I am going to end this with a message. A message to the world in general and several CS.com members in particular. You know who you are.

(Those with delicate sensibilities should probably leave. Now.)

Many of you are stuck in an abusive relationship. You think you can't get out, but you can. If this thread has taught you nothing else, it should have taught you that there are tons of people willing to help you, oftentimes people you don't even know that well, or at all. Look at the outpouring of emotion TD got not just from her friends and coworkers, but from so many people who never met her right here on this website.

I know that it is not an easy thing to do. Leaving someone you love is never easy. And I am not going to lie and say it is.

But for the love of all that is holy on heaven and earth, if the love of your life is using you as a punching bag, sending you to the hospital, making you fear for your life, or even just treating you like shit without hitting you physically, and everyone you know is telling you to get the fuck out, you might want to consider that it's time to
GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!

And when you finally do get up the courage to talk to people, to seek help, to get out, please, do whatever you can to not go back to him. Because the next time around, people and cops and courts are going to be much less likely to help you.

And please consider other people. Because once you go back to him, all those people who helped you are left hurt, betrayed, mad, and sometimes even become targets for that waste of skin that you love so much that you can't live without their loving hands using your skin as a conga drum.

So once you get the fuck out of that failing miserable relationship, please do yourself and those around you a huge favor and
STAY THE FUCK OUT!!!!


Don't allow yourself to become a Tiny Dancer.

Don't hate yourself so much that you become a Human Pinata.

[Der Cute]

Well, what a story. *shakes head*

Jester, thank you for being supportive and trying to help someone who needed it. A person in jeopardy of harm needed a clearly thinking person - and you came through. Thank you.

TD - girl, you may not read this. I hope you do.
I've been there and done MOST of what you've done. I had a bf who was abusive - verbally. I was a depressed, 60% functional adult who came from an abusive home. So, staying w/ Butthead was easier for me than trying it on my own. Or so I thought. For a few months I stayed with Butthead, feeling worse and worse. Finally when he hit me I snapped out of it, and my survival switch came on. And stayed on.

TD- you chose to go back. To a place you feel comfortable in, although you kinda get the idea it's not Nirvana. You know it's iffy-good, it's not really all that...but it's what you KNOW. Why try the Nice Shiny Place across the street, it may turn out to be a tar pit.....and being scared and tired of it doesn't help. I truly hope you will find that spark of faith in yourself sometime soon and say, "I don't CARE if I sleep in the rain. I don't CARE if I am outside with $20 and a phone card. I don't CARE if someone thinks I look weird because of the black eye. I'M DOING IT FOR ME AND FOR MY SAFETY." You're worth it. Really.

Jimmy hit me. I knew he was a hitter. He had told me his first wife had pressed charges against him for it. And I thought, well, hmm...I can be me, and give him a chance...and he won't hit me. Not for a while, at least. The SOB yelled. Just like my dad. Hollered. Just like dad. And, so, to me, it was ok-ish. I had left home from it, but was around it again - my old worn sock that I knew had been good, but now had holes in it...I hoped the hole would heal.....
After a few months together, Jimmy tried to strangle me to show control. I had to struggle. You know what? He wouldn't give up. So I faked it. I called UNCLE..and let him think he was in control. As soon as the SOB got off me, I hauled ass out the door...and called the cops. RO, him in jail, me safe - fine. F U, SOB.

I didn't care. I didn't have much support. So what? I said I'd rather be in a homeless shelter than anywhere close to the SOB anymore. Yelling, meh, iffy. Choking me - NO. So I chose.

Every day, TD, you make a choice. Every day. And one day you will pull out of it. May not be tomorrow or next week, but you will. Because you'll figure out that you do NOT deserve to be hit, NOBODY does, and that you're WORTH FIGHTING FOR.


Jester - take a day off. I bet your brain needs a defrag sans Everclear.

Cutenoob