Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[Saydrah]

Pedersen,

I am not, repeat NOT a Dear Abby fan (I'm a Dan Savage person), but she republishes at least once a year a column on the warning signs of an abuser, which I find to be very true (except for one point, which I have noted in bold and commented upon).

As follows:

(1) Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be perfect and meet every need.

(5) Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”

(6) Blames others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

(7) Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

(8) Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) Cruelty to animals or children: Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) “Playful” use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex. Finds the idea of rape exciting.

Saydrah's Note: While doing anything against someone's will sexually is wrong and is sexual assault/rape, not everyone who finds roleplay involving rape exciting would find actually committing a rape in any way exciting. Rape is not a sex crime- it is a violent crime and about control, and there is a big difference between someone who finds actual sexual violence exciting and someone who enjoys willingly and consciously partaking of the cultural 'rape myth' portrayed in pornography and elsewhere; in other words, that rape can be enjoyed by the victim. Someone who realizes that is a myth but still enjoys the fiction is not necessarily a potential abuser. End rant.

(11) Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.

(12) Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) Sudden mood swings: From sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.

(15) Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”


If you find that your behavior matches several of these signs, that does not necessarily mean you ARE an abuser, but it does mean that you should speak with a professional and discuss why you are worried about your behavior.

However, if you are already concerned, I doubt you are an abuser- if you were, you would be blaming this person, not yourself, for the retreating into the shell.

[Pedersen]

Here's a question: What if you worry that you are an abuser? Without going into details, there is someone very close to me who seems to be retreating into her shell.

What if you worry that you are doing mental/emotional abuse to someone, and aren't even aware you're doing it, nor how to stop it if you are?

[iradney]

....That video is labeled as funny WHY now? Didn't watch because I'm at work, but I saw 'funny' in the URL and read the description and went

Yeah, I don't understand why either. Think it's a case of mislabelling, tbh, since the site itself doesn't seem to condone violence against women (or children)

[Saydrah]

....That video is labeled as funny WHY now? Didn't watch because I'm at work, but I saw 'funny' in the URL and read the description and went

[iradney]

I just found this video. You guys may have seen it on Oprah or something already, but it's about a woman who is beaten by her husband. Her husband tells their 13 year old son to tape him abusing his wife. It's about 10 minutes long, and those that are sensitive shouldn't watch it.
She did eventually leave him, but she describes how he broke her down to nothing, emotionally and psychologically. It might help shed a little light on why TD is acting the way she is.

As said before, Sensitive viewers might not want to watch. There is violence and language.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2...n-video-p1.php

[MystyGlyttyr]

http://www.rickross.com/reference/br...washing18.html

And for more information in general, http://www.rickross.com/brainwashing.html

Rick Ross has made some mistakes in a few of his dealings, but the man knows his shit when it comes to the effect cult leaders and manipulators have on the human mind. Cults and human psychology are two of the things I've done extensive research on and I wouldn't feel out of place to say that Ross is one of the leading experts on this in the U.S. and probably the world.

Basically, almost everyone has some button that a cult leader can push to bring them in line and under control, it's just a question of finding it. And once they do, it's disturbingly easy to bring another human being under your control so completely that it's basically captivity. You don't have to be some brilliant evil mastermind, you just have to be willing to manipulate someone who's too slow or too innocent to suspect anything until it's too late. These days, so many adults are so weak-willed or naive that FIVE-YEAR-OLDS can do it, we all see it everyday.

So rather than thinking of TD as being a woman going back to her abuser, think of her as a member of a cult that's only got two members, and the leader has spent all this time poisoning her mind against "everyone else" and trying to make her wholly dependant on him. It might not help the behavior make sense, but it's easier to swallow for some.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone about it, feel free to PM me.

[protege]

Reading all of this reminds me of someone I knew in college. She'd constantly bitch about her boyfriend to anyone that would listen. Depending on the day, he was an asshole of various levels. Most of us tried to be nice and understanding about it...but eventually you reach a point that you simply don't care anymore. (Not to sound cold, but eventually, it gets rather draining to be used as someone's therapist.)

In fact, several of us in our little group finally had enough...with one girl actually going so far as saying: "He's an asshole. All you've done for the past month is bitch about it. You know he's an asshole, and so does everyone here. If he's so bad, why the hell are you still with him then? We're trying to be there for you about it, but we're really tired of hearing about it. Either do something, or quit whining!"

[Eireann]

Jester, I just hate being the one to tell you this, even though I have an idea that you've already figured it out.

She hasn't gone back to him just to leave. She's gone back to him. That's why she's lashing out at all of you. She has to justify (in her own mind) her reasons for going back to him, and the only way she can do that is to believe, or try to believe, that all of you were somehow "worse" than he is. (She must be giving herself migraines trying to do it; after all, none of you beat the crap out of her and then told her she deserved it.)

The problem with situations like these is, when you tell someone that they're in an abusive relationship, they need to get out, etc., is that all too often, they translate this into personal criticism. They think you're telling them that they're no good. YOU aren't the one saying that - BB is - but being the manipulative fuck that he is, he knows how to turn it around and make her believe it. The rest of you have been telling her the truth, straight-up, and she doesn't know how to deal with it, because she's been listening to flat-out lies for a long time.

One other thing I forgot to mention: Bad relationships are an addiction.

It's really a shame that there's no twelve-step group for it, because this is an addiction like any other. You justify your behavior. You lash out at the people who are trying to help you. Your moods change. You keep going back.

The only difference here is that it's a person that's an addiction and not a substance. It doesn't have to be BB. It could be - and probably would be - any jackass who does what BB does. It's a very, VERY hard habit to break, all the harder because the assbastard KNOWS how to get you hooked again. Drugs can't call you up and sweet-talk you. People can.

And trying to figure out her behavior won't get you anywhere. You don't behave like she does, you don't think like she does, and you can't get into her head. There's no sense trying; you'll never understand what makes her tick. And even if you did understand, it wouldn't make her life, or yours, any better.

And for the men out there who don't understand why they can't get a date while many women throw away their lives on abusers - believe me, you don't want to date women like these! There's far more involved than just low self-esteem on their part. They can't be in healthy relationships until they make that decision for themselves, and nobody can make that decision for them.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, I didn't read all this. I don't need to. I've read enough.

People think I'm a heartless bitch because I have a bad habit of just letting the chips fall where they may in a lot of situations. Because sometimes I've been a lousy, chilly, uncaring "friend." Because I have LITERALLY stepped over the weeping body of someone lying on the floor in my way out the door.

I'm a crummy friend, I'm afraid. And a terrible Christian, too.

Just an FYI Jester. I knew a guy who had his brains blown out by the abusive ex of a chick he was hanging out with. I am pretty sure he never even knew what hit him. Considering how this so often plays out, you'd be smart to stay out of the crossfire. I feel it's best to avoid being in the blast radius of bombs, you know what I mean?

In fact, consider:
http://www.wltx.com/news/story.aspx?storyid=46204

This beautiful girl went to my church. Her funeral was one of the two most gut-wrenching things I've ever had to sit through. It also reinforces my conviction that it's best to avoid hanging out at ground zero. Her mom had gone to the cops the night of the murder. They didnt' take her seriously. I imagine, they'd heard it all before. Later that night, asshole boyfriend came over. After the murder, Chrystal and her mom rotted in the house FOR A MONTH while the cops did nothing. Why? I imagine they were sick of dealing with the bs. I don't know if there was a history, but you know what? There's always a fucking history. Anyway, they found her when my friend Maurice flew out there and told the cops he was going to force the door if they didn't open it.

Why am I telling you all this? I dunno. I guess to illustrate to you that there possibly is more than a potential ass-kicking in store for you if you don't leave it alone, and God knows at this point you probably know even that would hardly be worth it. Because maybe I'm sick of reading news articles about people I know.

Feh.

And people wonder why I'm so cynical and view the world through shit-colored glasses.

[Sir Spaniard the 12th]

No, I don't get it either. If you can explain it to me in plain simple English, I would love to hear it.

She's confused. Suddenly all the people she felt close to, and relied on for support, aren't. I'm not judging you or those others that pulled away after seeing her run back to him. I have a way to (in most cases), at least slightly, see things from the other point of view due to my habit of overthinking. I'd get fed up myself.

She probably doesn't understand that you all are fed up and drained from going in to bat for her time and again over such a long period, about such a powerful, emotional thing.

Suddenly all she has is the guy who assaulted her for 'support', instead of you and her real friends.. So she's lashing out, sounds like. She can't do it at him, so she's doing it to those she can... Since you all are, in her eyes, giving up.

Though I can't fathom the 'Go back so I can leave later thing'.. Especially when she was so close to doing so anyway, with the law on her side...

[Jester]

So in essence, she has totally screwed herself for the next time this happens...

In a nutshell: yes.

I do still feel for TD in a way. Who is going to help her the next time he wails on her?

I do to. I feel sadness and pity. As for who will help her next time? I am guessing no one. Or American Airlines. One of the two.

[blas]

So in essence, she has totally screwed herself for the next time this happens (and I say this because it WILL happen. Men like that don't change. If anyone wants to challenge me, we can take a field trip to Waupon prison and you can meet the guy who killed my cousin, after all, he'd beat up several girlfriends before he actually killed one!).

I do still feel for TD in a way. Who is going to help her the next time he wails on her?

[Jester]

So are you really saying that the restraining order and everything got dropped?!

I don't know when the temporary restraining order expired/expires. I DO know that she was back with fuckhead the morning they were both supposed to be in court for the hearing for the permanent restraining order. If she had shown up and he had not, it would have been automatically granted. If they both had shown up, the judge would have listened to both sides, her side saying why it was needed, his side saying why it wasn't, and then the judge would have made a ruling. With her not showing up and actually being back together with him, as far as I know, the TRO is null and void and the RO never happened. Worse still, as this was the second TRO she took out against him, and the second time she went back to him, it is unlikely she will be able to get one against him in the future.

[blas]

Jester, I am so sorry.

It sucks when you do everything you can for a friend and think you've gotten through to them, and they just go back to their old ways.

I hope she stays safe for now! So are you really saying that the restraining order and everything got dropped?!

[Jester]

By claiming that those who helped her, were really taking advantage of her.

So, my guess is that BB's been spending a few days brainwashing TD and working her into a frenzy so that she wants to believe that the people who have been bending over backwards to help her, are just out to take advantage of her.

In the meantime, BB got her around to believing that you've been taking advantage of her, and she's given all of you the metaphorical finger. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Actually, that's not quite what's been happening, or what she said, anyways.

She never accused anyone of taking advantage of her. What she did do was say we all had turned on her after she had gone back to BB, that after that, we started treating her like shit, that we were not her real friends, etc. And she claimed that she was shortly leaving him to go home to her native city, but she could not explain the logic behind going back to someone you had left in order to leave them. Nor could she explain why she thought it a good idea to send the guy who caused all the problems, who was banned from the premises of the business, to that very business to get her stuff. But in any case, she KNEW that we had all turned on her, etc., etc., etc.

No, I don't get it either. If you can explain it to me in plain simple English, I would love to hear it.