Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[MMATM]

Seeing that you and I are fellow Floridians along with my giant fiance (he's 6'8 and 300+ lbs. NO LIE!), we could make BB "disappear" in the Everglades.

Your fiancé is an alligator? Damn, he must be an animal in bed. (THAT WAS A JOKE PLEASE DON'T STRING ME UP BY MY BIG TOES!)

In all seriousness, though, ditching BB in the Everglades would probably be harmful to the local wildlife, as years of horrible filth seep out of his body into the surroundings. And the poor alligators who would hopefully (and likely) eat him before his body would be found! If he does happen to vanish in the Everglades, I would at least hope he'd vanish with a couple family-packs of TUMS in his pockets, for the alligators' sake.

[tropicsgoddess]

Human Pinanta or How To Be A "Man"

I was happy for TD when she reported him, banned him from her job and had an RO. But now I'm disappointed that she went back to that douche bag. She had a chance to free herself of that bastard and now that's ruined. He's probably got her under lock down for all we know. I hope that she's okay and that one she will wise up and dump his sorry ass. I hope BB dies in a fire, or any painful and torturous manner possible. Jester, you were a good friend for helping her out and sticking your neck out for her, so mad respect ! Seeing that you and I are fellow Floridians along with my giant fiance (he's 6'8 and 300+ lbs. NO LIE!), we could make BB "disappear" in the Everglades.

[myswtghst]

Wow. I've been reading this thread all along, but haven't commented, and I have to be honest, I was terribly disappointed to see she'd gone back to him. Not terribly surprised, but disappointed and saddened.

While many people here are right on the nail, that TD will have to break the cycle on her own, when she is ready, and that what she did IS, in my opinion, a betrayal to Jester and all the friends who helped her out in this tough time, I think there are a few things (some) people seem to be missing.

One, in my opinion, is that no matter how much it may be a bad decision on her part to go back to BB, TD does not deserve what she gets. No woman deserves to be used as a punching bag. The only time anyone deserves to be treated like that is if they started the fight and are just getting what they gave, particularly if they struck someone defenseless.

Two, what is a friend, but someone who stands by you, through the good and the bad? I know there are times you need to walk away, but unless a friend is abusing you (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc), I don't think it's right to abandon them because you disagree with their decision. I think Jester actually has a very healthy mindset on this - he says himself that he will be a shoulder, and he will remind her that this is a bad situation, but will not stick his neck out or put himself in danger again. He's already on BB's radar as a "bad guy" and that won't change, even if Jester cuts himself off from TD, who he does care about.

And three, I am still impressed that TD took things as far as she did. She made an effort to change, and I think this story does illustrate how hard it can be to get out of a situation like this. I went through something similar with emotional abuse from an ex in college, where, even though he humiliated me and cheated on me, I still cared about him and we had too much shared history and life for me to "just walk away." Sometimes the right thing to do is incredibly difficult, and I give TD respect for trying, even if she did not succeed.

What she did, in the end, hurts her, and hurts the cause. And that just plain sucks. Especially if she does decide to be strong in the future and walk away from him. But she made her bed and now she'll have to lie in it, and even if it only takes one more bout of abuse for her to leave, she'll pay for her mistake, one way or another. She's lost the respect of friends, and credibility in the eyes of the law, which will make everything that much harder the next time around, if there is a next time. And I think that's more punishment than anyone deserves.

[auntiem]

I have to say this on the behalf of TD.
I yo-yo'd in and out of a very bad relationship. I went back to him and stayed for a full year and a half after an incident so bad he had to call the ambulance for me. I consider myself a strong person and I know the red flags so I never get into a relationship like that again. The situation is undiscribeably emotionally complicated for the person going thru it. Please do not call her "stupid" or "weak" even though she seems to be. Hopefully, she will be able to get out and stay out the next time, it is very rare for someone in this situation to get out and stay out the first time (sadly, sometimes the second or third). You have to get to a point where you have somewhere to go where you can't be contacted and be willing to walk away with nothing but the clothes on your back. She got far this time, I hope with every fiber that next time she will make it.

Jester - I understand that it is horrible to watch this happen and not be able to stop it, but I hope you can be there for her again when she tries to get out next time.

[Jester]

If you continue to be there in that regard, you're just a crutch (her words, not mine) and she'll use you as such, getting away from him, running to you, until she's no longer scared and then going back to him.

And perhaps I am a crutch. But because she is my friend, and because I care for her, I will be there for her, even if that makes me a sucker. I don't know that I'll be willing to stick my neck out nearly as far next time around, but that doesn't mean that I won't be there to comfort her. It's just the way I am.

Were I in your position, I honestly believe I would wash my hands of it and not be involved in the situation at all anymore.

But you're not. You have to do things your way, and I have to do them mine. Doesn't make me better or worse than you....we are just built differently.

Especially after pulling a 180 like that, she wasn't even wishy washy leading up to it.

It wasn't quite the 180 it seems to have been. I did not post everything that was going on in with TD, as she was struggling emotionally with the whole thing, and I really didn't want to post all of that, especially since it looked to me like she WAS going to rid herself of this yahoo. There were signs there before this, and we saw some of them, but I did not write about them. That was a conscious decision on my part. And there are still things I have not posted, and won't, for a number of reasons. But I have to stress that it was not a complete 180. None of us who were dealing with TD should have been completely surprised by this...even though most of us were.

[Slayergrrl]

The fact is, kids, that she did what millions of women do all the time. And that at some time in the future, I will probably be attending her funeral and/or his murder trial.

Sadly I see this day in and day out.. I've mentioned before that I work for the Police. I've seen woman come in covered in blood, broken noses, beaten bodies.. They convince themselves that they somehow deserve it. I heard one woman say to our victims advocate that her husband loves her and that is why he beats her.

Most of them go back.. Sadly there is nothing that we or anyone can do about it..

I've seen a lot working where I do.. Sometimes I wish I could unsee those things. But it's made me a stronger person..

Jester, I don't know you from Adam but you seem like a wicked cool dude! Everyone should be as lucky to have a friend like you..

[Rahmota]

Wow i feel bad for your friend Jester. i too hope she finds the strength to pull herself out of the situation before its too late. I also hope BB has a very personal encounter with a chipper shredder. Him and his kind are an embarresment to real men who know how to be decent. Althouh it does lend credence to evolution when you see a throwback like that. Or is it being insultign to neaderthals to compare the two?

I don't blame you jester for feeling a bit betrayed and tired of the situation. Just look at her the way a person who's addicted to a bad drug acts. Its gonna be painful to be near but good friends are a rock they can hopefully maybe someday pull themselves up with. Anhow hopefully things wil work out for the good.

[Shangri-laschild]

That's exactly what TD has done. She's betrayed everyone who stood up for her. In my eyes, she's no longer a victim. She's chosen to destroy herself. For the time being Jester, I think it's best to leave her behind to suffer the consequences of her own actions.

Not trying to start a fight, just trying to add some perspective to it.

While I understand that it can be frustrating to stand up for someone and have them go back to the bad situation, it's harder than you think to get out of that victim mind set. You convince yourself that it's your fault or that you don't deserve better and it's hard to get that out of your mind. It's not as simple as just walking away sometimes. A lot of times it's having to change your whole mind set and realize that you're better than that. Because usually the problem isn't realize that what he's doing is wrong, it's realizing that you don't deserve it and having the courage to say so and not waiver.

[Myra]

Okay not that I feel sorry for TD or side with her, but as others have stated, she's going to have to come to the realization herself that she's in a bad situation. She obviously feels that she's not worthy of being treated better, and no amount of telling her otherwise is going to work until she sees it for herself.

My Mother-in-law was in a horribly abusive relationship before she met and married my wonderful Father-in-law. The ex beat her, called her names, controlled her, and cheated on her. She went to work with a broken nose once. Luckily she worked in a hospital, so she got fixed up. She miscarried several times, and had a baby with a weak heart who died a month or so after birth. These were not related to the abuse, but they didn't help.

What finally gave her the power to leave was one night where he put a gun in her face and held it there for what seemed like eternity. When he finally left to go out "with the boys" she packed her shit and ran like hell. She was raised in a house with an abusive father who targeted her, so for a long time she thought that was normal. She thought men were supposed to be controlling assholes. She finally realized it wasn't that way.

TD is going to have to realize on her own that she deserves better. Like others have said, hopefully her "last straw" isn't death. I do hope that when she comes to this realization, that Jester and others will be there. It does feel like a betrayal that she's done this, but I hope when she reaches out for real, that you guys can forget that and be her support. My MIL had nobody, and was able to do it anyway, but it's certainly easier with help.

Also, I'm sure the reason you're not hearing from her is that he's got firm control of the "situation" right now. He's taken her phone, and I'm certain he's got her contained in his world and she doesn't fart unless he tells her it's okay. If she goes to work, I'll be shocked.

I pray for her safety and she manages to come to her senses before something horrible happens. Or maybe he'll go outside to get the mail and get creamed by a drunk driver or something. One can only hope!

[Amethyst Hunter]

This is extremely disappointing to say the least.

I do, however, feel pity for TD. Was this a huge honking mistake? Sure. I still feel pity though. She's only going to get more of the same (if not worse). No woman deserves that. Ever.

[Becks]

Wow.

I've read this thread since the beginning, but haven't commented on it because words can't express the emotions I felt...well, at first anger at BB, of course. Hope for TD. Now I'll just use a quote.

And though I know this might sound cruel, I feel no sorrow or pity for TD going back to BB.

If that makes you cruel, it makes me cruel, too.

[crazylegs]

Oh for fucks sake.

I just can't form the coherent sentences I want to to convey my total and crushing disapointment thet TD has gone back to this absolute wank stain of humanity, well he's not really humanity he merely has bipedal locomotion, and thats all he shares with his fellow man.



Jester, You've been a fantastic friend to TD, you've put your personal safety on the line, you've put yourself out for her and I whole heatedly agree with you when you say you'll be the shoulder to cry on but you won't be putting yourself in the firing line again.

I personally don't beleive that TD will ever now leave BB, even with the escape network you provided she has still gone back to him, only if he has a nasty accident involving a chainsaw and some alligators will she be free of this shit stain on the face of this earth.

Everyone else,
There are stories of women who leave their abusive spouses, and throw them out, a good friend of mine decided she's had enough when her then partner decided to drink a bottle of scotch, run her over in his car then go speeding around town. He was arrested, lost his licence and his job, as well as K my friend, it does happen but not very often.

Look after yourselves everybody.

[Kusanagi]

Oh, I won't support her in any way on this, and will make my opinion on the whole mess painfully clear. Doesn't mean I won't provide a shoulder to cry on....if nothing else, maybe having someone to talk to and to continue to tell her how bad her situation is will help her in the long run. Though, based on history, both hers and others', I wouldn't hold my breath.

Okay, I'm going to attempt to put this in a way that won't offend anyone, as my cold blooded cynicysm is showing pretty hard right now.

Based on my experience, it won't do any good. You've provided her the best possible means of escape, stuck your neck out and then she willingly went back.

Assuming that it's not the million-to-one shot where she was kidnapped, to me, that is nothing short of betrayal.

If you continue to be there in that regard, you're just a crutch (her words, not mine) and she'll use you as such, getting away from him, running to you, until she's no longer scared and then going back to him.

That cycle never breaks no matter how old you get, unless the person makes a concious effort to do so. Once you give someone that chance, and they willingly deny it, personally, it would take alot for me to offer that chance a second time.

Were I in your position, I honestly believe I would wash my hands of it and not be involved in the situation at all anymore. Wether that makes you more noble or more stupid than I, that I cannot say.

She made her own decision and unfortunately has to live with the consequences.

If someone doesn't respect themselves, it's very hard to find them worthy of yours. And no, I'm not talking about esteem issues here.

I don't mean to sound cold, but the fact she's in her 30s and I've seen this happen with friends all over every age group, it really makes me numb to the situation after a while. "You don't like the situation? Change it." Especially after pulling a 180 like that, she wasn't even wishy washy leading up to it.

Anger isn't the right term, but dissapointed would fit it better.

That's about as nicely as I can put my thoughts.

[Jester]

And, any support you give will likely only reinforce her moronic decision.

Oh, I won't support her in any way on this, and will make my opinion on the whole mess painfully clear. Doesn't mean I won't provide a shoulder to cry on....if nothing else, maybe having someone to talk to and to continue to tell her how bad her situation is will help her in the long run. Though, based on history, both hers and others', I wouldn't hold my breath.

[marasbaras]

While nobody deserves that kind of treatment, TD has chosen it.

Just stay away. There's nothing you can do now. And, any support you give will likely only reinforce her moronic decision.