I give up... (VERY long and emotional)

[Jack T. Chance]

As of last night, I have completely given up on my life. Last night, something happened that was the final straw in a long line of defeats, and it has forced me to accept what I've known to be the truth for a long time; I am a failure, and I will never be anything else. By every measure that is important to me, I have failed in this life. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, or how good my best is, it is never enough. Every time I manage to take one step forward towards my life goals, life shoves me back 2 steps, makes me fall flat on my face, and then proceeds to kick me while I'm down. And after 37 years, it's finally become too much for me to bear.

I've only ever had simple, achievable goals for myself. My version of the American Dream is very plain, nothing too fancy. All I've ever wanted was a good job that I could enjoy going to every day, doing something that made me happy, and paying me well enough to keep my bills paid and to have a little money left over for fun. Outside of work, all I've ever wanted was to find my special someone, someone who could accept me and love me for who I am, so that I could become a husband and maybe, someday, a father. Get married, buy a little house somewhere, and have a good life.

But at every turn, no matter what I do, even when I do nothing wrong, the Powers That Be refuse to allow me even the smallest of successes. Every time I've found a job that is what I'm looking for, a job where I truly belong, where I'm truly successful and living up to my greatest potential, life conspires to take it away from me. I've just had, in the last 3 years, 2 jobs IN A ROW where I truly fit in, they were truly the right job for me… and then the company went bankrupt and went out of business, leaving me unemployed again. And now, with the economy in the crapper, I have no hope of finding such a job again anytime soon.

Outside of work, I've never had enough money to buy that little house I dream about. The cost of living is too high, and the wages in my chosen career field of retail management too low, for me to be able to succeed at even that one little thing.

In social circles, I've always been forced into the role of the loner, the outcast… the pariah. I was never one of the "cool" kids, never got invited to the big parties, never got to develop the social skills that the "cool" kids develop. Sure, I have a few very good friends who are basically the brothers I never had. But while I continually fail at every thing I try to do to achieve the life I want to have, I see them finding great careers, getting married, having children, buying homes… while I am stuck in the role of the third wheel, unable to have that kind of life myself, always the outsider looking in.

And as for finding someone to share this life with… it has recently been proven to me conclusively that there isn't an available woman anywhere in this world that is capable of loving me, there is no one that can accept me for who I am. I am too different, too unique, and the women of the world too weirded out by me, for that to ever happen. They say that there's someone for everyone, people tell me that I'll find someone, but finding someone is only the first step. If that someone is unable to open her heart to you, unable to accept you and to love you, then finding that someone didn't do you any good, did it? They say that there's someone for everyone, but what if there was only ever ONE someone for me, someone that I had, once, long ago, and lost? Someone who gave up on me after 3 years, because even she couldn't fully accept me for who and what I am.

The truth that no one wants to hear, that everyone refuses to accept, is that we are emotional beings that have emotional needs, and the most important emotional need we have is to love another and be loved in return. This is simple, psychological truth. To deny it is to deny your existence as a human being. And it is a need that can only be met in one very particular way. The love given to you by your parents can't fulfill that need. It can't be met through the love shared with any siblings you might have, or the love given to you by any children you might have had. The love shared with your closest friends can't meet this need, either. The only way it can be met is to find your soul mate, that special someone that will complete you, become the yin to your yang, whose love will make you a whole person. We aren't MEANT to be solitary beings, we weren't meant to walk through this life alone. We were meant for something more, to have that special someone to share this life with. And yet, this, too, is constantly denied me. In this regard, too, I am a failure. Even when I do everything right, I still end up alone.

This week, I celebrated my 37th birthday. 37 years ago I came into this world… was cast down into this HELL. Because that's where I am, I am in HELL. I am cursed. Years ago, I had a frightening moment of clarity, where I could clearly see the path that I am on in this life, and how it ends. I have done everything in my power to turn away from that path, to make a better life for myself, to avoid my fate. But every time I take one step forward, life knocks me back 2 steps, makes me fall flat on my face, and then proceeds to kick me when I'm down.

For years now, the only thing that's kept me going was the one little spark of hope that remained within me. A little spark that was too tenacious, too stubborn to burn out. That little spark gave me reserves of strength that I never knew I had within me, that helped me through the darkest days of my life. But last night, that little spark finally went out. I have no hope left anymore. I've had all I can take, and I have nothing left to give.

What do you do when you've been a failure your entire life? What do you do when all your hope is gone? What do you do when life has knocked you down so many times that you don't even know what it's like to stand on your own two feet anymore? How do you pick yourself back up when all your strength is utterly gone? How do you pick yourself back up when you know that life is only going to knock you right back down again? How do you face another day when all you want to do is die?

This is where I am at right now, the questions that are weighing on my mind. I have spent 37 years living in a world that I do not belong in. I have never fit in, and I never will. I'm too unique, too DIFFERENT for this world. And after 37 years of living in this hell, all I want to do is die… but I'm too much of a coward to even end it. I want nothing more right now than to plunge a knife into my chest and end my suffering… but I'm not even enough of a man to be able to do that. Even there, I am a failure.

So, as of this day, as of this moment, I have officially given up on my life. I have reacted in the only way I can. For 37 years, I've had to live with the knowledge that there is terrible darkness inside me, like a black hole, waiting to pull me in and consume me. For decades, I have fought against the darkness, drawing on my friends and family for strength, holding it at bay as long as I could. Last night, it finally became too strong, and I finally became too weak. The darkness has finally consumed me and I have no strength left, no willpower left to fight it anymore.

I'm only posting this today because there are a couple people here that I've come to think of as friends, and I know they would wonder what's going on when they notice that I'm not around much, if at all. I know they would wonder what's going on with me, why I'm not posting. And frankly, it's because this life, this world has taken everything from me, and I have nothing left to give anymore. In the face of that knowledge, coming to a message board and chatting with people online just isn't as important right now.

I know that some of you here are very wise, and will probably offer your thoughts and your wisdom. I will be reading what people have to say, but if I don't reply to you, please don't take it personally. It just means that I can't think of anything productive to add to the discussion.

In closing, I'd like to offer some advice of my own. If you are fortunate enough to have found some success in this life, cherish every moment of it. Don't ever take what you have for granted. If you have a job that is truly the right job for you, a job that you love doing, that makes you happy, cherish every moment of it while you can, because you don't know what's right around the corner, especially in this economy.

And if you're fortunate enough to have someone to share this life with, cherish him or her, hold onto them tightly, and never, ever take them for granted. You may fight, you may argue, they may frustrate you at times, at times you may wonder what you saw in them in the first place… but I urge you to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place, and to never take them for granted, because you are blessed, and you have a gift that is rare and precious beyond all measure. Treasure every moment with that person, because there are those of us that aren't as fortunate as you are. Treasure them, and always make sure they know that you love them, always make sure they know how important they are to you, because you don't want to end up where I am now. I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy.

And on that note, I'm going back to bed. I just can't face the world today; the pain of my existence is too much to bear.

[CaroPhoenix]

Jack - if you need someone to talk to over IMs, just PM me and I'll give you my IM name.

Right now, I'm at a loss on words that will make you feel better without being too trite.

Just know there are people here who care about you.

[Der Cute]

Argh.

You sound definitely...sad-angry. Sad that life isn't doing what you expect it to, and angry that you want things and they don't happen....

Been there. Done that.

I recently realized that I find jobs that I like but when theres something about them I dont like, I self-sabotage. Why? I have no idea.

A few years ago, around 32 or so, I was feeling close to what you feel. I wanted a family, a home, (no white picket fence) but something....solid. Stability. Structure. It's taken longer than I expected it to, but it is coming together.

Personally, I think you need to go get some counseling. You're holding yourself to a list of requirements, but forgetting that Earth/Life doesn't run on the same schedule as you. You're saying you're 37, and alone (hugs here, that sucks) and you SHOULD have woman/fam/home stuff. Do Not Should on yourself. That's an expectation of X, when Y or XY may be happening.

Can you go to a doctor's clinic/homeless clinic, and get a physical? Check your thyroid (yes, men get that too) and ask about counseling. You may not get the help quickly (argh) but you need to check physical before delving into the brain realm.

Honey, you're in a spot where it is very bleak. I don't blame you for feeling like that - I have been in the Ditch of Depression, and that fucker has a very steep bank to get out.... You're asking for help. Go to the professionals and start there.

Also purchase a book called "What color is my parachute" and fill it out. You'll learn about yourself in there. (and yeah, at 37, you can still learn)

Hugs and chocolate, and kitty purrs.
Cutenoob

[Peppergirl]

I'm not particularly good at putting emotional things into words, but please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk. I'm a good listener and am great at advice (other peoples lives) and open to listening to venting.

Hang in there, please. We care about you!

[Aethian]

I'm here too...we haven't always seen eye to eye on some things but wheres the spice of life to agree with everyone?

I'm up for priviate pm's as well. Could even do a phone call if needed.

[Reyneth]

Honey, you're in a spot where it is very bleak. I don't blame you for feeling like that - I have been in the Ditch of Depression, and that fucker has a very steep bank to get out.... You're asking for help. Go to the professionals and start there.

ITA with this and other things posted.

If your job situation really is dire right now, maybe you can find what *else* you want to do and pursue that. It's not too late, and from what you have written, what do you have to lose?

Other than that.......{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

[Jester]

I have two conflicting instincts here. Well, two different instincts, as I don't think they necessarily are conflicting.

The first is to tell you to get professional counseling. While I am in no way trained as a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or other counselor, I have seen enough clinical depression in my time to recognize it in you. Please, Jack...seek help.

The second is to tell you, fuck you, you selfish little whiney shit. You make it out like you have had the worst life ever, but the fact is, there are millions, yes MILLIONS who have had it worse. Yet you say that because life hasn't turned out the way you want it, it sucks, it is hell You don't have the job you want? Life sucks. You haven't found the girl you want? Life sucks. You aren't where you want to be with all your "simple" goals? Life sucks.

I am currently watching the ESPY's, where they just presented the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage to Nelson Mandela. This man spent twenty-seven years in prison for his beliefs. You know, those silly beliefs that a person should be free to decide their own life and their own government despite what color their skin might be? Yeah, those beliefs. Many of his brethren were beaten, tortured, and killed for the same reason. Did he give up? Did he resign from life because it sucked? Let me think about this. Oh yeah...no, he most certainly did not.

Okay, maybe that example is too esoteric for you. Nelson Mandela is not "average" enough a guy for you, maybe. Hard to argue that.

Let's try a different example. Say, me. Hi there. How ya doin'? I'd like to introduce myself. I am a guy who, in his 39 years, has been dumped, cheated on, and lied to by girlfriends. I have been fired and unemployed. I have been homeless and forced to live with my parents as an adult. I have been unable to pay rent or bills on time. I have had jobs that I hated. I have failed classes and dropped out of college. I was unable to go to my first choice of colleges due to financial reasons, partly due to a trusted relative ripping off my family. I have lost every election in which I have been a candidate. I have watched family and friends die, not just from old age, but from disease, car wrecks, suicide, and at least one possible murder. Included in that was my father, who died when I was 10 and he was 48. He died of a disease that is potentially hereditary, especially to male offspring. I have had my heart broken by women several times. I have never been married, though most of my friends and family have married at least once. I have only asked one girl to marry me, and she left me a year later. And, as I said above, I am 39. Which is two years older than you. I have failed in many things I have tried, attempted, and had ambitions to do, too many to list here.

And yet my girlfriend describes me as obnoxiously positive. She sees a door slamming shut, I see an opportunity to find a new door, or to kick the shut door down. I have been through too much bullshit in my life to let stupid shit and setbacks get me down more than momentarily. I firmly believe in that adage of "that which does not kill you makes you stronger."

The legendary basketball coach lived by a simple mantra given to him by his father as a child: "Don't whine. Don't complain. Don't make excuses." I kinda like that myself.

But the fact is you will probably read all this and say "So what? Who cares? Life sucks." Which tells me my first instinct was right all along: you need to get some professional counseling, because nothing we or anyone else will say will help you at all until you admit that you need help. Not to anyone else, but to yourself.

That being said, you said three things that I wanted to address individually.

In social circles, I've always been forced into the role of the loner, the outcast… the pariah.

No one forced you into that. You chose that. Unless you are a complete clod, you chose to be a pariah, a loner. How can I know this? Because you said you do have friends, so you can't be a complete clod. That and your nihilist attitude tell me that you chose that role for yourself. As you yourself said, you are different, you are unique, the world is not ready for you. That came out of your mouth, you styled yourself that way....not others.

And as for finding someone to share this life with… it has recently been proven to me conclusively that there isn't an available woman anywhere in this world that is capable of loving me, there is no one that can accept me for who I am. I am too different, too unique, and the women of the world too weirded out by me, for that to ever happen.

I have two years on you, and while I am in a relationship now, I don't know if that will last or not. The girl in question is convinced it will fail because every other relationship she has had before this has failed. By failure, of course, she means they all ended. Well, all of my previous relationships ended, too, but I don't consider all of them failures, and I took from them, even the failures, something that I learned, something I did not know before it. So you haven't met anyone yet? So fucking what? Does that mean you won't? And even if you don't, you said yourself you had a 3 year relationship. I have never had a 3 year relationship. I know people who have literally never had a romantic relationship, let alone a 3 year one.

The truth that no one wants to hear, that everyone refuses to accept, is that we are emotional beings that have emotional needs, and the most important emotional need we have is to love another and be loved in return. This is simple, psychological truth. To deny it is to deny your existence as a human being. And it is a need that can only be met in one very particular way. The love given to you by your parents can't fulfill that need. It can't be met through the love shared with any siblings you might have, or the love given to you by any children you might have had. The love shared with your closest friends can't meet this need, either. The only way it can be met is to find your soul mate, that special someone that will complete you, become the yin to your yang, whose love will make you a whole person.

To this I say simply bullshit. And I say that on many levels. There are many people who live satisfied lives without romance. Asexual people, priests, monks, nuns, people who frankly don't care for the company of others, and on the negative side, people who truly are freaks, more so than you ever could be, no matter what you may think.

And frankly, women have come and go, but the love of my friends and family has been one thing that has kept me going, stronger and stronger every day. When the women have failed me, lied to me, used me, cheated on me, manipulated me, dumped me, left me, and left me broken and broken-hearted, my friends and family, those who truly love me, have been there to help me pick up the pieces and move forward. If you really think that this love, this wonderful, selfless, priceless love is so empty, so devoid of meaning that it can never satisfy you, never make you a whole person, the problem is not in your friends or your family, but in you. After all, a man who does not love himself can never allow himself to be truly loved by another, nor can he truly love another himself.

That's a fact, Jack.

Get some help. Now.

Please. For your own good and that of those who love you.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs*

Jack, I'm here. There are those that care. Depression has a terrible way of making everything look awful. I'm near that spot myself, and I've been there.

I just wanted to say that I'm here and I care. *hugs again*

[protege]

Depression has a terrible way of making everything look awful.

I've had to deal with depression most of my life. I know *exactly* what it's like. Contrary to what others (and those damn commercials) claim, it's not something you can "snap out of." There's no cure for it. You can *control* it, but you can't get rid of it. With that said, I have to deal with that shit *every* day. It sucks, but I have to deal with it.

[Chazzie]

I pretty much second what the wonderful-advice giver Jester had to say.

That said, I once too thought, in my wonderful teenage years, "I give up". I sat down on the floor.

And about half a second later, I thought "O... Okay... Um... Now what?"

And I couldn't think of what it meant. I didn't want to commit suicide, because it's not like I have any idea what, if anything's, on the other side. It wasn't like I was going to stop eating or sleeping.

And that thought did, and always has, made me happy. Because to me, there's no such thing as "giving up". You physically can't. There's no way to make your problems go away if you 'give up'. You can only procrastinate on dealing with them. You can take time to feel sorry for yourself, but that's only going to get boring after a while, and you just pick yourself up and keep going without realizing it eventually.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I have something to say here, but I don't have time to say it now. If you will read it tomorrow, Jack T. Chance, I'll put it here for you.

[Jack T. Chance]

So, today, my best friend came by my house and made me come out and shoot pool with him so he could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't do anything "stupid". It didn't help very much, but that's not really his fault.

In the past, when I got severely depressed, it was usually due to just one factor, one problem, and was therefore easier to overcome. This time, there's just too much that has all happened in a relatively short period of time. It feels different this time, deeper than it ever has been in the past... hence my comment about the darkness consuming me. Right now, I honestly have no strength and no willpower left to fight my way back. I honestly don't know if I ever will be able to recover this time. I've just taken one blow too many.

Jester, the tactic you've taken IS a good one, it worked in the past. The last time I got into a severe depression, I had a friend that took that tactic with me, and it worked then. But again, this time is different. It's not working like it did then.

I'm mainly posting this tonight to let everyone know I'm still here, haven't gone and done anything "stupid" yet. Those of you that have offered your support and kind words, I just want you to know that I appreciate it, even if it isn't doing much for me right now. Those of you that sent PMs, I'll be replying to them eventually. I'm not very talkative right now, so I'll answer them as the right words come to me. The same goes for individual posts that I want to reply directly to, and just haven't found the right words for.

[Jester]

Right now, I honestly have no strength and no willpower left to fight my way back. I honestly don't know if I ever will be able to recover this time.

You will. I know this. You know how I know? You still give enough of a shit to bother posting here. Which means you have not totally resigned. Whether you realize it or not, you still have hope within you. And that....that is something we can work with.

Jester, the tactic you've taken IS a good one, it worked in the past. The last time I got into a severe depression, I had a friend that took that tactic with me, and it worked then. But again, this time is different. It's not working like it did then.

Not yet. I am not known for giving up all that easily. Don't believe me? I have a stack of restraining orders as Exhibit A, Your Honor!

[Barracuda]

I am in the exact same position, except for age (never married, never even had a serious relationship, very lonely, hate every job I can get, want jobs I never seem to land, financial trouble, never can seem to catch a break....) I am 28. I have managed to start digging myself out of the hole I am in though, and I would like to offer advice as to what has helped ME:
First of all, are you taking an anti depressant? If not, see a doctor. Ask if you are a candidate for one. I know that putting forth the effort right now to see a doctor is very hard (depression makes me tired, listless, and all I want to do is sleep and watch TV or read.) but DON'T GIVE INTO IT. You have to start somewhere. If nothing else, next time you visit the store, pick up some St. John's Wort. Take it every day. It will take a week or two to really kick in, but you should feel a little better about life. Also take L-Tyrosine and Choline & Inositol tablets. Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, these two supplements help correct it. Take a good multivitamin as well; again, can help correct chemical imbalance (if you aren't eating right.) Suffering from anxiety as well? (Social or just in general, do you get nervous or upset doing everyday tasks, do you plan excessively for certain things because you are afraid of them?) If so, take grape seed extract.
Exercise every day can help too; it releases "feel good" hormones that can counteract depression. Take little steps to help yourself every day, and you WILL see a turnaround. Above all, follow other people's advice and seek professional help.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Okay, Jack, here goes.

I know that when you're in a black spot, the last thing you want to hear is someone else's laundry list of what all is wrong with their life. However, hear me out.

First, let me point out that I grew up in poverty. Never went hungry, mind you, but that was only because my mother did. I won't describe the trailer I lived in except to say that to keep the cats out, we had to put my rock collection, which was in a peach basket, over the hole in the floor that they usually used to get in.

Anyway... moving on from that, we get into disease. Both of my parents have diabetes. My father's kidneys no longer work and he's on dialysis because of it. He has also lost both his legs to it. My mother, meanwhile, has gone blind from hers and has lost the hearing in one ear, not to mention her sense of balance because of that. Because of a birth defect, she will probably soon lose the ability to walk at all. Meanwhile, my niece has some weird disease where the immune system attacks the fat layer under the skin. It's disfiguring. I have hiv, which was given to me by my very first boyfriend, who cheated on me, caught it and passed it along. I doubt he knew he had it, but I'm sure that if he did know he would not have cared because he hated me.

That brings me to relationships. That first boyfriend cheated and beat me. Others just cheated. Some just disappeared. In the interval, I've been raped. I forgot to mention also that I was sexually abused as a child. Currently, I've begun to rekindle something with one of my exes and found out that the reason he couldn't handle things then was because he too was viciously sexually abused (by his brother), and that stirred up a entire crock of mental issues. This ex of mine has lupus, by the way, which I guess I should have mentioned in the disease litany.

Meanwhile, I worked in motel hell for about five and a half years until the thought of going to work made me physically ill. Now I work in a factory doing manual labor way below my education.

But anyway... I say all that to convince you that I am quite an authority on despair. I've had 28 years thus far to dwell on it. I have considered killing myself. I know despair.

I also know that things can change. People say that suicide is not the answer, but I can assure that it most definitely is. You'd better be goddamn sure you're asking the right question though, and I don't think you are.

You don't want to be told that you have things to be thankful for, but you do and every day that you get up and go do something, anything, is a day that something interesting can happen. Just because it didn't happen yesterday or today doesn't mean it can't happen tomorrow.

What should you do while you're waiting though? See the sights. This world and all that is in it was not put here for you and someone else. It was put here for you, so go see it. As others have suggested, exercise. It feels good, and it's a good way to meet people. Eat something new and interesting. Food's a gift. Talk to your friends. Hell, take your friends to eat something new and intereting, take them with you to exercise, or take them with you to see the sights. You have people who care about you, obviously, so let them care about you and let them help you.

That's what you can do by yourself. However, as others are pointing out, this may not be something you can do entirely by yourself. There's no shame whatsoever in seeing a professional or taking medication for depression. Hell, it's why all these professionals went to college in the first place and it's why someone took the time to mix all these funny chemicals together into a pill.

I'm starting to get a little loopy from my medication, but I do sincerely hope that helped. PM me if you like. I've been where you are, thought about going where you've thought about going, but yet I'm still here and I'd like for you to stay here with all of us.