I give up... (VERY long and emotional)

[ditchdj]

You know Jack,
There are quite a few things in life that I want to be happy that have eluded me too. My main things are not having enough money to travel before I get too old, and finding a good-paying job.

However, I was pretty much in the same boat as you about ten years ago when I was in my mid-20's. New Years of Y2K I got good and drunk in a nightclub by my lonely old self.

But I decided to finally just take control of my life and destiny and go out there and work toward what I wanted. Sometimes things you work for won't go through. But sometimes they will. If I was you first thing I'd do is think about leaving town and going out in this huge world that will be a good fit for you. Do this before you get old when it'll really be time to throw in the towel.

[Keiara]

I'm glad your feeling better. I've dealt with bouts of depression ever since I was around 12.


Things to keep in mind

1) Trying to be normal is stupid. No one is normal. We are unique and special in our own ways. Embrace it.

2) A lot of people just suck. They're judgemental, stupid, demanding,etc... They don't like you for who you are? Fuck them. Life is to short to be worried about such things. Surround yourself with family and friends. They care and love you.

3) Women. If you close yourself off you will never meet the one for you. It look me a long time embrace the idea that there is someone out there for everyone. She'll come. Just be patient.

4) We're here for you. Some of us have a different approach. Many of us have been in your situation and we understand

I leave you with this quote. "When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that...you find someone to carry you."

[Jack T. Chance]

Update...

Latest update: I started a new job last month. Things are going okay there, but it's going to be another couple months before I qualify for health care benefits. So, another couple months before I can get treatment for my ADHD and my depression. And that's a real problem right now. I keep screwing up all the other areas of my life. Tonight I seem to have permanently lost the most important friend I've had in recent years, someone that has accepted me when no one else would, someone that was giving me the guidance I need to straighten myself out and become the man I need to be. I fucked up and said all the wrong things tonight. I said mean and hurtful things I shouldn't have said and it's cost me dearly. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

I'm most likely going to just be lurking for awhile. I don't really feel like talking about my problems here anymore. No one here can actually give me the help I need. I'm just going to have to try my best to muddle through until I can get professional help in a few months. And on that note, I'm gonna go be depressed elsewhere.

[Der Cute]

Latest update:
I'm most likely going to just be lurking for awhile. I don't really feel like talking about my problems here anymore. No one here can actually give me the help I need. I'm just going to have to try my best to muddle through until I can get professional help in a few months. And on that note, I'm gonna go be depressed elsewhere.

That's because we aren't trained professionals. We can/do hand out advice to people who are showing CLASSIC signs - because many of us here recognize it, have lived it or know people with it. But we can't FIX you, because that work is something YOU have to DO YOURSELF.

Really. We can tell you You Show Signs of Sillyness, but we can't make you go to a doctor who treats Sillyness. And we can't advocate for you with doctors who do treat Sillyness. Because we're not there.

It's not easy being depressed, because well, the glue holds your ass to the chair and you don't feel like doing anything about it because you just don't. It takes effort, desire and discipline to seek out assistance for the issues. And bulldogged style relentlessness.

In my county, there are a HUGE number of homeless people. Most homeless people = mental illness or drug addict (the oldschool ones, not the people who lost their house last week). So there are lots of non profits around here who work on sliding scales and/or freebies to help those people. But I wouldn't have known WHERE to ask unless I STARTED asking for help. And KEPT asking. I don't back down easily - I ask, they say No We Don't, I ask So Who Does?

That's the kind of stuff to do. Having a job is great. Having a job with a mental illness is OK. Having a job with an untreated mental illness = TROUBLE. BTDT. Be careful, and I'll be thinking about you.

Cutenoob

[Jester]

Tonight I seem to have permanently lost the most important friend I've had in recent years...

I don't know what I'm going to do...

What you should do, and what you're going to do if you value this person as highly as you claim, is apologize. In person if possible. No drawn out stories, no excuses, no drama. Just a simple, straightforward, heartfelt, sincere apology for whatever it is you said or did that has put you in her bad graces. And then you should tell her that while you understand she may be mad at you, you hope she can forgive you and that you two can move on in life, due to how much you value her friendship.

If she is as amazing as you imply, that might be enough, though she may be mad at you for a while longer.

If she is as important to you as you say, to do anything less would be disingenuous on your part.

Remember, friends will help you move, great friends will help you move bodies, and the best of friends will help you move Heaven, Hell, and Earth.

Really. We can tell you You Show Signs of Sillyness, but we can't make you go to a doctor who treats Sillyness. And we can't advocate for you with doctors who do treat Sillyness.

I have had Sillyness for my entire life. While many have tried to cure me of it, I stubbornly refuse to get the treatment that is deemed necessary to cure it. Yes, Sillyness has caused issues in my life and has caused people to Look at Me Funny, and has even created some painfully awkward moments for me, both personally and professionally. But to me, the cure is far scarier than the disease. Sillyness is a part of me, for better or worse. And it seems that I am a bit contagious. Don't say you haven't been warned.



(Sorry, had to inject some levity in here.)

[SorryIsGoodEnough]

If she is as amazing as you imply, that might be enough, though she may be mad at you for a while longer.

Jester, I'm curious if you have any advice for Jack for how he could get over it in case she doesn't want to accept an apology, and if they cannot reconcile.

That might be more helpful.

[Jack T. Chance]

What you should do, and what you're going to do if you value this person as highly as you claim, is apologize. In person if possible. No drawn out stories, no excuses, no drama. Just a simple, straightforward, heartfelt, sincere apology for whatever it is you said or did that has put you in her bad graces. And then you should tell her that while you understand she may be mad at you, you hope she can forgive you and that you two can move on in life, due to how much you value her friendship.

If she is as amazing as you imply, that might be enough, though she may be mad at you for a while longer.

If she is as important to you as you say, to do anything less would be disingenuous on your part.

Remember, friends will help you move, great friends will help you move bodies, and the best of friends will help you move Heaven, Hell, and Earth.

I apologized but she wouldn't accept it. She's too far away, geographically, for me to go see her in person right now. And if I did, she'd probably call the cops on me, anyway. Our last conversation was not good at all. I think I really have lost her forever.

I am my own worst enemy. My behavior is self-destructive, and I've tried my hardest to change, but I haven't changed enough and I don't know if I'll ever be able to, even with professional help. I hate myself so much. Right now, there's a very loud voice in my head telling me that I should just kill myself and get it over with. But there's an equally loud, very stubborn voice that won't let me give up like that, that keeps telling me I need to think of my friends and family and how much they need me. I think I'm only still here because of my friends as it is. I wanted to kill myself years ago, and didn't because of them. Sadly, even with good friends, I haven't been able to become the man I need to be. I'm pathetic.

It's a good thing I don't drink, 'cuz if I did, I'd probably be drunk right now and I'd probably get fired for showing up to work drunk or something.

[RootedPhoenix]

I know I'm not there, but, *offers hugs and chocolate anyway*.
I wish things were going better for you.

[Jester]

Jester, I'm curious if you have any advice for Jack for how he could get over it in case she doesn't want to accept an apology, and if they cannot reconcile.

That might be more helpful.

I was going for the more positive approach, as I feel it's better to try for the apology first, and then deal with the situation if she refuses to accept it.

Which, according to Jack, is what happened.

For that, my advice to Jack would be to cry/vent/grieve the loss, get it out of his system, and learn from whatever mistake he made that caused this, and move on.

But Jack's other comments strongly reinforce my belief that Jack absolutely needs professional help. I am a decent counselor, but I am just a dude without training, and it is painfully obvious that Jack needs the help of someone who is trained for this. Despite his belief that he is "beyond help," he desperately needs professional help. The sooner the better.

Jack, you say you are just too far gone for even a pro to help you, but that is the insidious side of clinical depression, which you may well have (I am not qualified to make an actual diagnosis, of course).

Jack, get help. Get help as soon as you can. Nothing that we say here can help you nearly as much as professional counseling and therapy. I cannot stress this enough. Your self-described suicidal feelings and self-destructive behavior cry out for help, and should be addressed as soon as possible. Tomorrow if it's realistic. Hell, today if it's possible.

Please, Jack. Get professional help. Now, if not sooner.

[Jack T. Chance]

I was going for the more positive approach, as I feel it's better to try for the apology first, and then deal with the situation if she refuses to accept it.

Which, according to Jack, is what happened.

For that, my advice to Jack would be to cry/vent/grieve the loss, get it out of his system, and learn from whatever mistake he made that caused this, and move on.

I have some very good reasons as to why it would be very hard for me to move on, but I won't go into all of that here. If you want to know more, I can PM you later, after I get home from work.

But Jack's other comments strongly reinforce my belief that Jack absolutely needs professional help. I am a decent counselor, but I am just a dude without training, and it is painfully obvious that Jack needs the help of someone who is trained for this. Despite his belief that he is "beyond help," he desperately needs professional help. The sooner the better.

Jack, you say you are just too far gone for even a pro to help you, but that is the insidious side of clinical depression, which you may well have (I am not qualified to make an actual diagnosis, of course).

Jack, get help. Get help as soon as you can. Nothing that we say here can help you nearly as much as professional counseling and therapy. I cannot stress this enough. Your self-described suicidal feelings and self-destructive behavior cry out for help, and should be addressed as soon as possible. Tomorrow if it's realistic. Hell, today if it's possible.

Please, Jack. Get professional help. Now, if not sooner.

The problem right now is that I'm still in my first 90 days of my new job, so I don't have my health care benefits yet. Back in the fall, I looked into Maryland's PAC program, which provides free or low-cost health care (including mental health care) to MD residents with a sufficiently low income. I didn't qualify, even though I was collecting Unemployment at the time, because even on Unemployment, I made too much money. PAC will only be provided to you if you make LESS THAN $1,000 a month, and I was getting $405 a week on Unemployment, which is about $1,620 a month. So even though I was unemployed and getting my only income from Unemployment, I wasn't poor enough to qualify.

I have to work today, but I'm off the next 3 days. I had taken off to go to a wedding that I no longer feel like attending, so tomorrow, I'll start trying to find other options for free or really low-cost mental health care. I know I need help, it's the only hope I have left for turning my life around and breaking the cycle of self-destructive behavior I've become stuck in.

[SorryIsGoodEnough]

You need to go to that wedding, Jack. It would be good for you to be around your family and celebrate the happiness of someone else instead of wallowing in your own misery.

Seriously. Go to the damn wedding.

[Rapscallion]

Jester, I'm curious if you have any advice for Jack for how he could get over it in case she doesn't want to accept an apology, and if they cannot reconcile.

That might be more helpful.

Being somewhat of an observer, I'd say that both people involved need to get a room and lots of booze.

It's worked for others.

Rapscallion

[ditchdj]

You know,
Over the past few months I've noticed several people on here that pretty much have the same theme where they're just fed up with life and ready to just throw in the towel. But look at how young you all are. I admit at that age I've kinda felt like that many times, but I took a serious inventory in myself. I took a serious look at what I want out of life and decided to make good on those thing the best I could. The number one thing to do is think outside your town. Look at how huge this planet, this world is. The world's a much bigger place than you think. It's like the best tool in your box to have. And it's FREE. It don't cost you a dime. Use it. That's what I'm doing. I started by leaving my hometown and simply following my goals in life and just letting it take me wherever I go. It's not perfect. Sometimes it's good. Sometime's it's bad. You just learn to take the good with the bad. To me it's even fun at times just letting fate and destiny take me to wherever I may go.

Bottom line: Just get out there in that world and just work hard to get what you want out of life. And if there are people that are in your way then cut them loose and dont look back and move on.

[bookworm]

The problem right now is that I'm still in my first 90 days of my new job, so I don't have my health care benefits yet.

Jack, a very good friend of ours is self-employed and doesn't have insurance at all. He was having issues with depression and anger, so my husband paid for him to go to a clinic and see a doctor. It cost us about $70. and he found out that he has high blood pressure and got on medication for that but the doctor also told him about some mental health clinics/doctors that he could go to at a reduced rate. If you can at all afford to do the same thing, I really recommend it. Just because you don't qualify for PAC, which I assume is the same as our DHS here, doesn't mean that you don't qualify for some type of help through other programs.

I really hope that things get better for you.

[Jack T. Chance]

Being somewhat of an observer, I'd say that both people involved need to get a room and lots of booze.

It's worked for others.

Rapscallion

I'm not a drinker, but she is, and she'd probably like that idea. I have no idea if the option will ever be there, though.

I'm still at work, so I'll reply to the other posts when I get home and have more time.

EDIT: Feeling tired, I'll reply to the other posts sometime tomorrow.