I give up... (VERY long and emotional)

[Jack T. Chance]

Good evening Jack!
What's up?

Well, since you asked...

Last night, I went to Arundel Mills Mall, where I used to work a few years back, to hit-up the FYE for a CD I was looking for. Found the CD, and more importantly, I ran into someone I never expected to see again. While walking by the shoe store I used to work in up until about 3 years ago, I did a double-take, because one of my former co-workers was back at the store. Hadn't seen her in over 3 years, because she and her boyfriend at the time had moved to North Carolina. She's just recently moved back to Maryland, so I caught up with her a little bit, then went on my way.

Then, I went back up there today to look for a couple things, and as I was walking by the new T-Mobile corporate-owned kiosk that just opened in the mall, I spotted a former co-worker from when I worked for Rockaway Bedding (the job I had right after I left the shoe store) working at the kiosk. Spent quite awhile talking to him, getting caught up. So, apparently this is my week to run into former co-workers from my past jobs! Wonder who I'll run into over the weekend?

Other than that, I hung out with my best friend today, shot some pool, played some Rock Band, that's about it. I was going to reply to a post that I thought someone had made to this thread, but now I don't see the post that my brain thought it saw, so maybe I imagined it, or dreamt it? Maybe it was something someone said in a Private Message instead? I have no frakkin' idea, all I know for sure is I wanted to reply to a particular comment, and now I can't find that comment.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs*

Depression has a terrible way of making everything look awful.

I've had to deal with depression most of my life. I know *exactly* what it's like. Contrary to what others (and those damn commercials) claim, it's not something you can "snap out of."

As do I. I'm 29 now and have been wrestling with this since I was 11, possibly younger. I've gotten real close to suicide several times. My comments were meant as an insight to what depression does to my mind, and not as a statement of "Hey you can just snap out of this". That's not how depression works. No matter how it got there, it isn't just some "blue mood". Telling another to "snap out of it" when they can't adds guilt to an already crushing burden.

Jack, shoulds are lethal things. Don't let people should on you. Fantastic advice, but nearly impossible to take.

People will offer any number of things that they think will work. Choose what works best for you. Sometimes what didn't work last week will work again this week.

Hope is a hard thing to keep a hold of, so hold tight to the things that give you hope. It's the only thing that's ever gotten me through.

*offers hugs*

[seigus]

Hey, Jack, looks like you may be feeling better. Run with it.

[sms001]

Well, since you asked...
Last night, I went to Arundel Mills Mall, where I used to work a few years back,

Know exactly where it is - used to live down Rt. 1 in Beltsville. (Although I guess you'd say down 95 these days....)

was back at the store. Hadn't seen her in over 3 years, because she ....I spotted a former co-worker from when I worked for Rockaway Bedding Wonder who I'll run into over the weekend?

Yeah, those seem to come in three just like celebrity deaths. Hasn't happened to me in a while, 'cause I live somewhere in between Civilization and Nunavut, but it has happened quite a few times over the years. So who was the third?

Other than that, I hung out with my best friend today, shot some pool, played some Rock Band, that's about it.

Decent day. Things seem a little easier on you from the writing tone, but I hope you'll follow up on a couple of the approaches to combating this melancholy mentioned in this thread. I would imagine that being proactive about the next onset is a LOT easier to do with a clear head than it is in the middle of a bout.

[BusBus]

Okay, I hope that I can contribute something of use for you JTC...


~I have depression, so I know where you are coming from. My advice? Seek a counselor for guidance and find a doctor to discuss medication. One is not as effective without the other! Together, they can help you get back on your feet and take whatever life throws at you! I waited until I had a breakdown at work before I sought treatment, even know I damn well knew that I had this problem.

~You have it worse than a lot of people. You also have it better than a lot of people.


~Relationships/friendships can suck ass. Been there, done that...not going to take up space writing about the woes of failed relationships pass. Don't let stupid people from the past ruin your future! Don't let that "one girl" ruin potential relationships for you. Try and go out. I know that it is *realllllly* hard when you are in the depths of depression, but the effort may pay off! Check out local newspapers or Craigslist for events (especially in the summertime!). Check out dating sites (Match, Lavalife, eHarmony) if you are ready to look for someone again (even just to go out on a date....and try to go for the real dating sites, where you know that the girls on there are looking for something similar).

~As for work, I cannot give too much advice there as I don't know what field you work in, what kind of credentials you have etc etc..... But when you are ready, you may want to re-evaluate what you are doing. Maybe try a new job? Get some extra credentials from a local college?

~I don't know if your landlord would permit it, but have you considered getting a pet? I have cats that provided me with companionship and love during my darkest times.


I hope that you will take the advice of some of the ppl here. Pls give us an update!!

[Jack T. Chance]

Hey, Jack, looks like you may be feeling better. Run with it.

If by "feeling better" you mean that I can actually manage to get out of bed, get dressed, and go out of the house for awhile and tolerate being around other people, then yes, I suppose I'm "feeling better". If by "feeling better" you mean that I'm able to post in topics other than this one again, then yes, I guess I'm "feeling better".

But if by "feeling better" you mean "content with my life and full of renewed hope" then NO, I'm not. Frankly, I've lost what little faith I had left (and I'm a devout Agnostic, so I didn't have much faith to begin with.) That's not liable to change anytime soon.

Know exactly where it is - used to live down Rt. 1 in Beltsville. (Although I guess you'd say down 95 these days....)

Either one works... when I go to Beltsville for anything (for instance, visiting the MVA branch there) I always take Route 1... from where I live, that's just the fastest way to get there.

Yeah, those seem to come in three just like celebrity deaths... So who was the third?

No one yet. We'll see what happens.

Decent day. Things seem a little easier on you from the writing tone

Again, see my reply to seigus.

Current mood is still *




*The Green Lantern fans will get it, especially the ones reading "Blackest Night".

[Geek King]

Other than that, I hung out with my best friend today, shot some pool, played some Rock Band, that's about it.

This is good. I know you don't think its much, but your writing style over the last couple of posts has changed. You got out and did things with friends, or at least people you're friendly with, even is some of those were accidental meeting. It gives me some hope that you will get past this.

Keep getting out of the house. I noticed when I was unemployed that I had a tendency to sit and brood at home. Sometimes I wouldn't leave the house for days at a time. When I got out of the house, even if it was just to walk to the store for groceries, I felt better, and could stomach another round of sending off resumes.

Also, a couple of places to look that you might not have thought about:

usajobs.com --government jobs you can search by zip code.

local government websites -- many times, local government will post jobs on their websites that never get printed anywhere else.

[sms001]

Again, see my reply to seigus.

Yeah, that's why I said a "little easier..." I'm sure it's not try out for the pep squad time so quickly.

Current mood is still *

I'm glad you threw the two Lantern references into this post - it reminded me of something you said in a book thread a while back:

It takes place in world where heroes glide through the sky on lightning bolts and fire. Flamboyant villains attempt daring daylight robberies. God-like alien creatures clash in epic battles over the nighttime sky.

And I've been meaning to ask if you ever read any of the Wild Cards series edited by George R.R. Martin? Interesting shared universe premise. I've only read the first ten or so, but they are generally short stories and move quickly.

Edit: iGoogle has a Blackest Night theme now.

[Jester]

I was going to reply to a post that I thought someone had made to this thread, but now I don't see the post that my brain thought it saw, so maybe I imagined it, or dreamt it? Maybe it was something someone said in a Private Message instead? I have no frakkin' idea, all I know for sure is I wanted to reply to a particular comment, and now I can't find that comment.

So? So you can't find the comment. If you know what it was about, you can still respond to it, simply by stating what the comment was ("Someone said something about X, and I just wanted to say this about that...."). Seems simple enough to me.

If by "feeling better" you mean that I can actually manage to get out of bed, get dressed, and go out of the house for awhile and tolerate being around other people, then yes, I suppose I'm "feeling better". If by "feeling better" you mean that I'm able to post in topics other than this one again, then yes, I guess I'm "feeling better".

But if by "feeling better" you mean "content with my life and full of renewed hope" then NO, I'm not.

What you may not realize is that this is a start. It's a small step, but it is the first step of many. And every journey has to start with the first step.

[Der Cute]

Jack, this lightening of your perception, is why I call depression episodes a Ditch...

Something happens. Your brain chems are wonky. You are feeling dark. You are sending off dark signals to humans (imagine a little skull & crossbones aura for everyone to see). You see no hope. You see no desire.....you're fully in the ditch.

Something else small happens which helps you see the light. You feel a hair bit better, but the skull and crossbones are there (just less frequently). You get out to General Public. You feel a hair bit better....

You're not so stuck in the ditch ,but you could fall back in easily.

Keep at it, please, and get that doctor's long term care. It's needed.

Cutenoob

[Jack T. Chance]

Lengthy update...

Hey everyone, I know it's been several days since I posted in here... had other things on my mind the last few days. First off, I'll just apologize because there's most likely still a couple PMs I haven't returned... keep forgetting to do it, but I'll try to get back to everyone this week.

Anyway, my mood has been slowly improving day-by-day, with a lot of help from my friends, both online and in real life. Ironically, this week, one of my friends has been dealing with a serious depression, and in giving them a hand back up out of the darkness, I've found my own mood improving, as well.

Something I'm going to say, just in case I haven't yet (and if I did, I'm saying it again! ) is that my depression has ALWAYS felt situational to me. It has ALWAYS been triggered by events in my life, events where it's normal to feel depressed.

Something else I can't remember if I said is that I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've known ever since I was a child that I've had it, I was diagnosed probably in first or second grade (back when it was simply called "hyperactivity".) I went through many years of treatment for it as a child, learning how to cope with it, how to control it on my own, without drugs (the drugs that were available at the time were too unpredictable when I took them, too unreliable in controlling my ADHD.) It took a long time, and I ended up feeling like I had to go through Hell and back to get to where I eventually ended up, which is as someone that controls my ADHD, more than I let it control me. In the process, I believe I became a much stronger person, emotionally and mentally, and over the last several years, at times, I've genuinely surprised myself with just how strong I've become, how strong I can be when it really matters.

In reading about ADHD over the years, I stumbled upon a discussion of it on another messageboard I go to. Someone in that topic (a topic that's long-gone now, unfortunately) had said that they read or heard somewhere that people with ADHD experience emotions MUCH more deeply and intensely than individuals that don't have our condition. It's apparently part & parcel of ADHD.

This may have a LOT to do with how severe my depression gets at times. I've always had a big heart, and always felt like I was the odd man out, because I could never understand how other people could seemingly turn their emotions on and off like a switch, while I could not. I used to wonder why people seemed less affected by life's major events, both good and bad, than I was. I always wondered how people could be so cold compared to me. But I don't wonder about that anymore. Now I know why I am the way I am. It's because of my ADHD, apparently.

It's as much a blessing, as it is a curse. Those of us with ADHD will, apparently, experience depths of emotion that others can never experience, and therefore, can never truly understand. If a "normal" person's emotional experience is like a black & white film with a mono soundtrack, we get the full TECHNICOLOR, THX SURROUND SOUND experience! We are able to experience love, and joy, and happiness, and all of the other "good" emotions in life, much more deeply and richly than "normal" people. The downside is that the same holds true for the darker emotions... anger, envy, feelings of inadequacy, depression... those are all deepened, as well. But I suppose you have to take the bad with the good in this case, just like everything else in this life.

Yes, I have my bad days, my days when the darker emotions become so strong that it's really hard to push them away. This time was the worst bout of depression in years, there's no doubt about that. But I also have my good days, and for the most part in my life, the good greatly outweigh the bad. As a general rule, when I'm the usual Jack that you've all come to know, the logical, rational part of my brain holds sway, and I'm able to control my darker emotions, keep them in check. It's only once in a great while that I lose control as badly as I did this time, and I'm sorry you all had to see it. I had hoped things would never get that bad again.

Thank you for being here for me everyone. I appreciate all the helping hands that have been extended to me over the last couple weeks. I will still give serious consideration to everything you've advised. Just today, I was pointed in the right direction to see about getting mental health care for low cost while I'm unemployed. I may go ahead and take advantage of that, if it looks like I qualify.

It's looking like I'll be fully back to my "normal" self soon. Current mood = (Hopeful)

[Antisocial_Worker]

Depression is an up and down sort of thing. We're all happy that you're going up, but please remember that should you come down again, we're all still here for you.

[Jack T. Chance]

Coda...

A final coda to this thread...

over the last few weeks, I've been doing my best to try and help a friend through their own bouts of suicidal depression. These bouts are apparently brought on by my friend's Bipolar Disorder, which appears to be of the Rapid Cycling variety, which is very probably the worst kind of Bipolar to have.

So, I'm still thinking a lot about depression and thoughts of suicide and the way they affect our lives. And it's made me remember a song that helped me in the past, several years ago... but it took some time to do so. The first time I heard it, I was in the midst of a bout of depression, and I actually took offense at the song. I thought it was overly preachy and got very annoyed by it and thus refused to listen to it for awhile. Then, one day, once my mood had stabilized, I took a listen to it with fresh ears and an open mind... and ever since, I've understood the wisdom it presents, and it has since helped me get through some dark days in my life.

The song was written as a response to a real incident. A teenager, a fan of the metal band Staind, committed suicide while listening to a song by Staind. The teen's mother actually approached the band's members after a show, desperately seeking answers that they didn't have any more than she did. This song was the result:

"Waste" by Staind

Your mother came up to me
She wanted answers only she should know,
only she should know
It wasn't easy to deal
with the tears that rolled down her face
I had no answers, 'cause
I didn't even know you

But these words,
they can't replace
the life you,
the life you waste

How could you paint this picture?
Was life as bad as it should seem
that there were no more options for you?
I can't explain how I feel
I've been there many times before
I've tasted the cold steel of
my life crashing down before me

But these words,
they can't replace
the life you,
the life you waste

Did Daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much?
Did he control you?
Did he live through you at your cost?
Did he leave no questions
for you to answer on your own?

Well fuck them!
And fuck her!
And fuck him!
And fuck you
for not having the strength in your heart to pull through!
I've had doubts, I've had fears
I've fucked up, I've had plans
Doesn't mean I should take my life with my own hands!

But these words,
they can't replace
the life you,
the life you waste

But these words,
they don't replace
the life you,
the life you waste

There can be no doubt that this song's message is one of tough love. I'm sure Jester would approve.

And that's probably why I didn't like it the first time I heard it. Sometimes, the truth can be VERY hard to hear, especially when you're in the midst of a severe depression. But the truth can save your life, and sometimes that's the most important thing.

It is my hope that someday, someone will stumble upon this thread in a time of need and it will help them turn their life around for the better. If my experiences in this life, the darkness I have had to fight my way through, can help even 1 person, then it will all have been worth it.

[Jester]

I've been doing my best to try and help a friend through their own bouts of suicidal depression. These bouts are apparently brought on by my friend's Bipolar Disorder...

There can be no doubt that this song's message is one of tough love. I'm sure Jester would approve.

This is funny for so many reasons. For example, Nurse Betty, my girlfriend that I have written much about in here, is herself bipolar, and has been struggling with that of late. Also, she is a huge Staind fan, having sent me a couple songs to listen to that have defined her feelings at the time, usually about us.

As for me approving of tough love? Yeah....you got me on that one. It's not always the way to go, but so often, it really is.

[Pimento]

HEy man i dont know if anyone went and told you (too lazy to read every post) but i am where you are now.

Due to several ex gf stealing over 20gs worth of money i had saved up, my lawyer bills for my ex and everything im on the verge of bankruptcy.

Read a little book called The Secret, its saved me from being depressed about everything and should help you to start turning your life around, alot of people think its a bunch of cult BS. But my sales manager believews fully in the power of positive thinking and its totally proven to work, in my life and the lives of others.