Domestic Violence...long, kinda graphic.

[Amina516]

Thank you all, again for the posts.

As for random checks, I can literally see her front door from my house (about 1/2 block), so if somethings going on out front, i can call from a distance and no one would know. Its not in my plans to go over there anytime soon; The last 2 times her neighbors have called the cops, so at least theyre paying attention.

I just want her to wake up, you know? I honestly know that I dont have it in me to keep bothering her for the long haul. Ill be here for her, but my insistence for her to do for herself and her children will wear down, I know myself well. As for her kids, like i said, the older ones dad has him, but her infant is to the abuser....I dont think her sons father would take her daughter too.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It takes a strong person to share their stories, Kara, Indigo and Patiokitty. Thank you. :hugs:

RK, im sorry for your friend. His daughter was beautiful. I cant believe that happened.

[Eisa]

My ex didn't really physically hurt me. I mean, yeah there were a few bruises. Yeah you could probably count all the rapes as physical, too. But I mean...I wasn't getting beaten up. So it was ok. Or so I rationalized. I also did the thing of apologizing to him when he hurt me. I did something wrong. I shouldn't have fought back.

By the time I left to go to school, I'd told myself that either I was going to commit suicide or provoke him into killing me if I ever had to go back there. And yet I still "loved him."

It's also interesting how many abused partners will say "oh if there's physical violence, that's it, I'll leave." If he/she beats me up, that's it. I won't tolerate that. Only then they do, and well....

But everyone else is also right. She can be supported and encouraged, but the only one who can make her leave him is HER.

[Kara]

Trust me. When she does finally recognize it, when she sees what others saw, what they tried to help her to understand, she will remember your kindness. She will be appreciative. She will thank you. She may feel like a complete idiot for not realizing it sooner, for not listening to her. Part of helping someone like her continues after the abuse is over. Because then you start wondering how you could have been so blind, how you could have been so stupid. And she'll need you then too.

[shadowpanda]

I remember reading something in a magazine about domestic violence and abusive relationships. They had 100 victims/survivors (some called themselves victims, others identified themselves as survivors). They asked each of them the question: should/would you leave your partner after they hit you just once? Every single one of them said 'yes, we would leave'. They were then asked the questions: were you physically hit? Did you leave after the first time? EVERY SINGLE ONE of them responded, yes they were hit, no they didn't leave.

This whole thing is so crazy. To sit here on the outside, I can't fathom why people put up with stuff, but I know in my heart that life is never simple. Yet, people do come back from abuse. We have head some people on here tell their stories, and they have come out the other side. Things don't always have a happy ending, and the journey is never simple or easy, but it can happen. People can and do come out the other side.

Please just be careful

Thank you everyone on here for your honesty and compassion. I love this site because it restores my faith in humanity, reminds me there are people out there capable of truly caring about people they have never physically met.

[dragon_wings]

I was also abused by an ex. The abuse was mostly psychological/emotional abuse. That doesn't make it any less abuse. And because I 'loved' my ex I took my 'punishments' and tried to move on. Of course the scars (physical and emotional) I have will stay with me for the rest of my life.
It finally took my sister moving to the same city (I had moved states for my ex). As I went to visit her more and more my ex got madder and madder. Cause I wasn't isolated anymore. My sister helped me realize I was in an abusive relationship.
It took 4 months, many ultimatums, and my ex promising to change but never actually changing for me to move out. I spent six weeks sleeping on the floor on the landing at the top of the stairs at my sister's house before I could find the place I'm living now.

[42_42_42]

Another domestic abuse survivor. Don't really have much to add to what has been said by everyone else. I absolutely agree with what they've said, ESPECIALLY about notifying CPS.

[trailerparkmedic]

Please get her to go to the ER to check out the baby. What if she had an incomplete miscarriage? You know as well as I do that can cause sepsis.

I wish I had advice. I'd probably call CPS, but that decision is going to weigh heavily on your conscience if the kids are taken... or if they aren't. It's a terrible situation all around.

[Kisa]

Wow...that dug up a lot of bad memories.... When I was little I bore bruises and red marks on occasion, courtesy of the friendly neighborhood sperm donor who at the time was called "dad".
My only advice would be to be there for support, remind her you are there and wait until she realizes how wrong her situation is. It may seem crazy, but when you are the one getting abused, you feel like you deserve it. Like the pain exists because you are doing something wrong. Just like you wouldn't call the cops on your mom for putting you in time out after you pushed your sibling, you don't call the cops on an abusive husband/wief/girlfriend/boyfriend/parent/etc. When I realized I did nothing wrong, I was 4 years older and hadn't seen him in years. Sorry if I rambled a bit... I'm getting a tad emotional

[Sapphire Silk]

Please get her to go to the ER to check out the baby. What if she had an incomplete miscarriage? You know as well as I do that can cause sepsis.

I wish I had advice. I'd probably call CPS, but that decision is going to weigh heavily on your conscience if the kids are taken... or if they aren't. It's a terrible situation all around.

I second the call to go to the ER.

And I'd have NO trouble calling CPS. It would not weigh on my conscience at all if her kids got taken away. I'd lose not one minute of sleep over it.

I would lose sleep if the kids got hurt.

This gal needs a wake up call to get her to take action. CPS might just do it, even if the kids end up with a relative.

Because otherwise, she won't act until she's dead or she snaps and kills her abuser . . . and it will be too late.

She needs to find a shelter for DV. These shelters have confidential addresses so the abusers can't find them easily. It often does the trick.

[Amina516]

Please get her to go to the ER to check out the baby. What if she had an incomplete miscarriage? You know as well as I do that can cause sepsis.

I wish I had advice. I'd probably call CPS, but that decision is going to weigh heavily on your conscience if the kids are taken... or if they aren't. It's a terrible situation all around.

I second the call to go to the ER.

And I'd have NO trouble calling CPS. It would not weigh on my conscience at all if her kids got taken away. I'd lose not one minute of sleep over it.

I would lose sleep if the kids got hurt.

This gal needs a wake up call to get her to take action. CPS might just do it, even if the kids end up with a relative.

Because otherwise, she won't act until she's dead or she snaps and kills her abuser . . . and it will be too late.

She needs to find a shelter for DV. These shelters have confidential addresses so the abusers can't find them easily. It often does the trick.

Believe me, I PLEADED with her to go to the ER, its literally 3 floors down from our floor. She wouldnt go b/c she doesnt have insurance (which baffles me, our hospital provides pretty decent coverage, I guess she didnt opt in when she was hired.)

I know that she was looking into abortion a few weeks back, im guessing shes taking this as a mixed blessing for her. But she adamantly refused any medical care, i havent seen her for a few days so im hoping when i do, we can talk and I'll know if she went or not.

[Seshat]

I dont think her sons father would take her daughter too.

He might.

He also might not, largely for the safety of himself and his son - and her daughter. After all, if the daughter vanishes, he's one of the people the abuser will suspect.


As for victims:
Two of my aunts had emotionally controlling husbands. Not physically abusive (to my knowledge), but definitely controlling. Both ended up divorcing them.
Both are now married to emotionally controlling men.


As for abusers:
I have thrown crockery and kitchenware around. I have (once) hit my partner. I have certainly yelled and screamed and run away and threatened suicide plenty of times.
I don't know why they put up with me - honestly, I don't. Perhaps because I was TRYING to get well. Perhaps because they both saw these things as symptoms of illness.
.... I haven't thrown anything for a couple of years now. And most of my yelling and screaming is done into a pillow, complaining about how unfair it is for me to be in pain all the time.

.... I guess that despite the same surface actions, I'm not actually an abuser. Am I?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Believe me, I PLEADED with her to go to the ER, its literally 3 floors down from our floor. She wouldnt go b/c she doesnt have insurance (which baffles me, our hospital provides pretty decent coverage
.

That's not why she wouldn't go. That's just what she told you. She didn't go because she didn't want to explain what happened. In some states, I dont' think the cops have to wait for a victim to press charges if what has happened is obvious.

And also in some states, if she's miscarried, he could be charged with killing the fetus.

THAT is why she doesn't go to the hospital.

[Mishi]

@Seshat, I'd call that adjusting to a new relationship dynamic. I did a lot of the same emotional crap when Rugz and I first got married, then I realised how much I was acting like my mother and made the concious decision to change. You mentioned that you've changed for the better. You and I both know that abusers don't really change and when they do, they get worse. If it makes you feel any better, it's taken years for me to not automatically punch/elbow anyone thats trying to wake me up. The reaction had gone by the time Jazzy was old enough to wake me up, I'd be gutted if I accidentally hit her or Bubbles. I have hit Rugz while waking up, when he wasn't quick enough to dodge. He's never taken it personally, and has been so supportive and loving that it makes me really, really angry that my mother has now convinced half of her side of the family that he's physically and emotionally abusive. Yeah, it's horrible that he does a fair share of the housework and parenting, goes shopping with me, encourages my endevours, treats me like an equal, has a great sense of humour, isn't the jealous/controlling type, and doesn't pressure me into learning how to drive. Hell, he even gently lifts me into a sitting position and helps me out of bed some mornings!

[MadMike]

I'm surprised Jester hasn't chimed in on this one yet. A few years ago, he tried to help a friend who was a victim of domestic violence, only to have her go back to her abuser and end up dead. Sadly, you can offer to help them, but you can't make them accept your help.

I'm no fan of CPS, for reasons that are better left to Fratching, but I agree with those who said to call them. Yes, losing her kids will be traumatic for her and them, but it's better than having them end up dead.

Several of us have been there ourselves, including a couple of guys, and even myself. From what I've seen, I'd say that most of the abusers are males, but when the females do it, they can be just as bad as any guy if not worse.

For anyone who doesn't know my story, when I started seeing my ex, she was the sweetest girl you could ever want to meet, and my family loved her to death. And things were great for about the first year. Then she started to change. Not all at once, but gradually. She started becoming irresponsible and lazy, not holding down a job, not picking up after herself, and running up the phone bill and other bills. Then the arguments started and became progressively worse.

I can't remember the first time she laid a hand on me. I guess my mind couldn't handle the idea of the one I loved doing that to me, and I blocked it out for as long as I could. Unlike some other victims, I don't think I ever felt like I deserved it. I guess that's due to my stubborn nature, which runs in my family on the male side. But I held out in hopes that she'd see the light and turn back into that sweet, caring person I fell in love with.

Over time, it got worse. I was always wondering what was going to set her off. Something always did sooner or later. Sometimes I caused it by shooting my mouth off at her, but other times I didn't even do anything. Something just didn't go her way, and she took it out on me. She started letting herself go, and put in a lot of weight, which she blamed me for. That's how it was -- everything was my fault. At some point, she started stealing from me. She helped herself to my ATM card and kept getting cash advances from my line of credit. I had no idea she was doing this until I got my statement and found out that $500 had been taken out over the course of the month.

It got so bad that even her closest friends were asking me why I put up with her. Interestingly enough, one of them cut her out of her life and is one of my closest friends today. I think she tried to get me to open up back then, but I was afraid of anything I said getting back to her. It wasn't until a year or so later that another friend was able to get thru to me. And then I realized the relationship wasn't worth saving, and was ready to move on. I even told her myself. She was crushed, but I didn't care. I was looking forward to starting my life over.

Then something unexpected happened -- she turned out to be pregnant. So I was stuck with her for a little while longer. We tried to get along for the baby, but it didn't last. It wasn't long before she was running around constantly and leaving me to take care of the baby. At this point, even her own family was taking my side, and was telling me I should kick her out. They even offered to pay half of the price for daycare, and I thought to myself, "Shit, with her gone I'll save more than that on the phone bill alone!"

I kicked her out a couple times, but ended up feeling bad and letting her back in. One of my close friends who was in a bad relationship told me that no matter how many times you keep going back to that person, sooner or later there will be a final straw that pushes you to leave them for good. In my case, it was when she tried to "borrow" my car. I kept my keys hidden from her, and I have no idea when or where she got another set. She and I had just been talking, and I was feeling really bad that things weren't working out, and was hurting really bad. Then I decided to go to bed, but I just had this feeling she was up to something.

I heard her go out the front door, so I peeked out the bedroom window and saw her going straight for my car and start unlocking it. I threw on a pair or pants and went after her. I told her there was no way she was taking my car, and if she tried it I was calling the cops. I guess she knew I meant business that time because she got out of it pretty damn quick. Then she came inside and lit up a cigarette just to spite me. I don't let anyone smoke in my house, even if they live with me. I told her to put it out, and she refused. So I flung a glass of water in her face (not the glass, just the water.) Sad part is, I missed the cigarette completely, but I drenched her pretty good. I don't recall what happened next -- there was a bunch of yelling, I vaguely remember her coming at me, and the next thing I knew, I had my hands on her neck. I certainly don't condone that, and I'm not that kind of person, but I guess when someone keeps pushing you like she did all those years, you end up snapping.

Once things calmed down, I told her she needed to find her own place. She left a couple days later, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. We tried staying friendly for awhile, for the sake of our son, but she was going around talking shit about me and starting up fights with me over the phone, sometimes at work. Our son was 2 1/2 when she left, and she hasn't bothered with him much since then. It scares me to think of what his life would have been like if she and I had stayed together, or worse yet, he ended up living with her.

He's a good kid, and is very well-adjusted despite her blowing him off constantly when he was little. She decided a few times that she wanted to play "Mommy", but he's not having it. In his own words, she never did anything for him except give birth to him. She doesn't even know when his birthday is. Her sister once asked her if she knew when it was, and her answer was "January... something." At least she got the month right

[ArcticChicken]

CPS. CPS. CPS.

The bad feeling you'd get from seeing her kids taken away is nothing compared to the bad feeling you'd get if they were killed. Hell, if you won't do it, give me her information and I'll do it.