Domestic Violence...long, kinda graphic.

[FormerCallingCardRep]

Jester, there are some victims that do get away and never go back to an abusive relationship. It takes will power and a strong support system. I should know. Once I got out of my abusive first marriage I have never looked back.

I have been contemplating telling my story, so here it goes:

28 years ago I made a very foolish mistake and married someone who I found out a month later was a violent asshole. The first attack on me was when I was asleep. His excuse was I was talking in my sleep. I had been brought up in a very conservitive religion and was always taught that marriage was forever. I stayed and kept quiet. For the next four years he would occasionally loose his temper and hit or kick me. I suffered in silence. The day my nephew was born, the abuse got worse. Instead of it being once every couple of months it became daily. One day I was at work and my ex showed up yelling at me and took the car. My co worker saw the brusies on my arm. She explained to me what she had been through and gave me two choices. One that she would take me to the domestic violence shelter or she would take me to my parents. I chose my parents. My Mom and I talked and she got me to understand that I did not have to stay in an abusive relationship. Later that night My Grandmother called me and guilted me into going back. My parents were devistated, but told me that their door was always open.

Fast forward about three months. My ex got upset because I went Christmas shopping and bought my then almost 1 year old nephew a Christmas present. The abuse was back and he pulled a gun on me and attemped to shoot me. The gun misfired. I got out of the ouse and stopped at a payphone and called a friend and told them I was on my way there that I needed help. My friend took me the next morning to file for divorce.

I went through counciling at the local domestic violence shelter and learned that no one had a right to lay a hand on me in anger. I learned that I am a worthy person and a person that deserves love and respect. I also took some self defence classes and learned how to protect myself.

It has been almost 23 years since the cold and snowy night that I escaped. I got back together with my college sweetheart and we are happly married and have two beautiful Daughters and a very energetic Grandson. It is possible to find happiness after being in an abusive relationship

[Jester]

Which wasn't helped by my so-called friend telling me it's not rape if you want sex eventually. WTF?

That's like saying that, because I learned a lot from the manipulative, thieving, lying, cheating ex-girlfriend that it was okay for her to do all that she did. It wasn't, and while I did learn a lot from the experience, and became a stronger person because of it, that in no way excuses her for her actions.

Saying it's not rape on Monday if you want sex on Wednesday is the height of idiocy, and pardon me, but your so-called friend was a fucking moron.

I could actually SEE that time how he was being a manipulative asshole, saying he'd commit suicide if I left, blah blah blah. I've looked him up on Twitter a few times since then. Oh look, he's still alive.

This is one threat abusers use a lot. Personally, I think that if it comes down to the victim leaving and getting out of the abusive relationship but the abuser kills himself, or the abuser stays alive while the victim continues to suffer, perhaps even eventually dying at the hands of the abuser or by their own hand, I say fuck the abuser--I'll hand him the rope and tie the noose myself. And there are two reasons for this. First, almost every time the abuser is full of shit, and has no intention of actually taking their own life, but are merely using the threat as yet another manipulative tool. Secondly, for the few that actually do take their own life, I say good fucking riddance. Harsh? Sure. And I make no apologies for it. Had Big Boy taken his own life rather than driven Tiny Dancer to take hers (or killed her and staged her suicide), I would have shed not one fucking tear for that piece of shit.

Jester, there are some victims that do get away and never go back to an abusive relationship.

It is possible to find happiness after being in an abusive relationship

Yes, some do, and it is possible. And I always hope for the best in these situations. But statistically speaking, most victims either do not get away, or get away only to get in yet another abusive relationship, continuing the pattern. There are exceptions to this rule of thumb, of course. But they are exceptions, and they are in the minority. They are not even close to being a large percentage, let alone a majority.

I am not in any way trying to downplay this possibility, mind you. I merely want Amina to understand that, in all likelihood, this will not end well, and that while her heart is in the right place, the young lady in question will probably continue to allow herself to be a victim, either to the same guy in the near future, or to some other mouth-breathing douchebag asstard somewhere down the road. It sucks, but it's the reality of the situation.

[Der Cute]

Yalls, I wanted to say that I'm one of the people who's stood up, told the fucker to fuck off, and got out of the relationship. It is possible, just takes a pair of brass and titanium spine.

As a child, I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive household. My dad occasionally slapped my mother. My father was a control freak who micromanaged us and wasn't too fond of praise. My mother was emotionally abusive and pretty much a c-word. (note: I have ended contact with her, and honestly the day I told myself she's not worth it, my shoulders lifted and my heart smiled.)

Because my childhood reflected an abusive time, the men I sought in my teens were much like my parents. It's been said you "marry your parents" meaning you will find things that are much like you've had. I was dating a man called Jimmy, who actually had told me that he was on probation for DV in another city. I said, well, ok, I can kind of trust you. But the urge to be close to him was very strong, he reminded me of my dad, and I wanted a father figure. Gradually the emotional abuse increased, just like my dad. This was familiar, but not right-it did hurt me and I didn't like that time, I just didn't know it.

Fast forward a few months, I'm in a deep depression - 18 hour sleep and no bathing depression. One night we had a fight and he tried to really hurt me. Strangle/hold me down. I yelled UNCLE (didn't know that worked) and he got off of me. I then bailed and ran faster than a bomb tech to the guy next door. Called cops, got the asshat to jail and immediately had a TRO on him.

Something in me changed that night. I told myself: Ok. Never ever again. NOBODY is allowed to hit you, period. I will not tolerate this.

And since then, I've done a lot of soul searching, trying to figure wtf out about my childhood - and have realized that if I will raise a child, I have to consciously, carefully, specifically change some of my views and habits. To break the chain.

I'm saying that she's finding something similar to her previous life- it sucks, but it's familiar - if I change the cycle, what the hell is out there? I'm scared, I don't know, I will cling to this even if it's shit.

Like an addict, this brings drama, instability, stress and other negative factors into your life. You will have to choose to be friends with her and accept everything as it is, or really keep her at arm's length. Like being a friend/family member of an alcoholic. You accept them, love them and don't enable them. And keep boundaries. Ain't easy, ain't fun, and you have to weigh is this worth my time/compassion often.

Thank you for being observant and caring, many people who are victims cry for help in strange ways, and are ignored. Give her praise and smiles for the steps she makes, but accept she might slide backwards a bit. It's a learning process for her.

Again, thank you.

[Eisa]

Saying it's not rape on Monday if you want sex on Wednesday is the height of idiocy, and pardon me, but your so-called friend was a fucking moron.

Oh, I agree with you. I no longer talk to her. I found it unbelievably stupid and hurtful when she said that and then when she started acting like my current bf is a douche? Oh no fucking way. HE is lovely. EX was the douchebag. GTFO. I said "no" on Monday, that's the part that counts.

He'd certainly attempted suicide before--in prison, actually. Yeah, he mentioned ONE arrest. He neglected to mention the other 7 charges he'd had...7 at LEAST. In fact, if I search his name on Google, his fucking arrest record is what comes up on the first page. Nice of him to tell me that.

I was actually a bit disappointed he didn't kill himself...so much for keeping his promises, eh?

[Jester]

These guys never keep their promises.

"I'll never hit you again."
"I promise things will be different."
"If you leave, I'll kill myself."
"I promise, I'll never cheat on you again."
"It's only when I get drunk, and I promise that will never happen again."
"It was just the one time, I promise that that is not me." (Which sucks for the guys where it actually does just happen one time, for whatever reason.)
"I would never harm the children."
"I would never raise my hand to you."

These guys are great at giving promises, and suck donkey balls when it comes to keeping them.

[zombiequeen]

This sounds like the mentality my parents got into when I was raped. "Oh no, he's too good of a guy. We knew him longer than you were alive, we trust him more. Don't you know he's your brother's best friend? His mum's the reason dad's still in business with all of the construction she needs. Of course you're just trying to get attention. You were on your period, so he wouldn't want to have sex with you. You took the drugs he snuck into your food, so why complain now? Oh you just want to say it's rape now because your guilty."
I knew that it was coming so I hid the fact it had happened for over half a year from them, and it was my wonderful husband that told them what was up. Their reactions were bad and aimed completely at me.
Yeah. It took at least one panic attack on my part and my then-fiance (now hubby) literally packing up some of my stuff and telling my parents he would take me from the house if they didn't shape up before they stopped blaming me vocally. Now they refuse to acknowledge it ever came up or happened, because I'm just an attention whore.

You know what's great though? I realized that after being forced to live with them for a year after hubby's parents couldn't keep us at their house; what my parents really are. We're limiting contact, we've made it clear that I will not take their shit anymore, and if they pull anything we will cut out contact FOREVER.
It's taken me almost three years to even get to this point, and only because of the support I had with my husband. I still have panic attacks, not just at the rape but at how my parents reacted to it. It's hard, and there are days where I just want to go back and be called fat and useless because it's all I know.

[Eisa]

-snorgles- You are lovely. My mom didn't really do it too much to me, but my sister was trying to tell her that her ex was abusing her, and she was like "I don't want to hear about your sex life," and when my sister said it WASN'T that, my mom was like, "I don't want to hear about your rape life, either." Some peoples' reactions are horrid.

[zombiequeen]

That is horrid. I'm pretty sure that's why my husband never told his father about what happened to me either, just that certain things are not to be said, joked about, or done because if FIL ignores it and says it anyways, he deserves my wrath.
It took me over a year to even tell my best friend, because I knew she would tell her mum and her mum would tell the pastor and then everyone in church would know. Luckily friend didn't say anything, but still. Just the thought of all those people blaming me made me want to leave the country and hide forever.
My mum used to think it was fun to reduce my brother and I to tears so we would go hide in our rooms, and she could watch her shows in peace. Brother is getting back in his own way by sucking all he can get from them and using them, because he's their favorite. I'm just trying to be healthy and not care that I've gained weight, and my hubby told me that as long as my mum was like she is, she would never see our kids and isn't even allowed near our lizard. Mum did hurt the lizard before we moved, she pretended to step on her and actually did a little. Just because she thought it was funny that I told her not to and that lizard wouldn't be able to run away.

[Jester]

"Oh no, he's too good of a guy. We knew him longer than you were alive, we trust him more. Don't you know he's your brother's best friend? His mum's the reason dad's still in business with all of the construction she needs. Of course you're just trying to get attention. You were on your period, so he wouldn't want to have sex with you. You took the drugs he snuck into your food, so why complain now? Oh you just want to say it's rape now because your guilty."

I knew that it was coming so I hid the fact it had happened for over half a year from them, and it was my wonderful husband that told them what was up.

I have some questions. Feel free to tell me it's none of my fucking business, but I have to ask:

1. They knew he snuck drugs into your food, and they had no problem with this?

2. How long of a prison sentence is your husband serving for killing the guy? (Seriously, what did your hubby do to the guy? Or didn't he?)

3. What happened to the guy? Was he ever charged? If not, is the statute of limitations up for that kind of thing in your area?

4. A simple message from me to your parents: Fuck you both.

5. A simple message from me to the guy: Look both ways before crossing the street. Safety first, you know.

...when my sister said it WASN'T that, my mom was like, "I don't want to hear about your rape life, either."

Say WHAT? She SAID that? But...but...but....WHUH?

A message to your mom: Get the fuck over yourself, lady.

[Eisa]

Yeah. And then when my sister got raped again by her ex, I'm the one who told her YES go to the cops--my mom dragged her feet the whole way and bitched about it until I was like "MOM. Knock it the fuck off. This is your DAUGHTER. She was HURT. Get the fuck over yourself and help her." It was about that blunt, too, to be honest. I still noticed she didn't even hug her. And then the police did jack shit even though he confessed in writing, which didn't help. -sighs- She just told me that that it wouldn't have mattered if I wasn't a virgin and that it was really my fault because I went down to another state with him--after being kicked out of my friend's apartment by her d-bag bf. Yeah, Mom. I had $30 to my name. SUUUURE you could get me the bus money.

[Jester]

The police did jack shit despite having a written confession? Say what? What was their (stated) rationale. (I know their actual rationale was probably some dated sexist pig nonsense.)

[Eisa]

Supposedly that he said he was asleep. So poor baby, he can't help but rape others while sleeping.

Again. Written unprompted confession. That it was non-consensual. He said NOTHING about being asleep at that point. I'm guessing it was after the police wanted to talk to him and then were apparently trying to arrange counseling and anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds for him.

Did I mention my sister got jack shit?

I had the unfortunate happenstance of being the one she was trying her new webcam out on when the detective called and said they weren't doing anything.

[zombiequeen]

I have some questions. Feel free to tell me it's none of my fucking business, but I have to ask:

1. They knew he snuck drugs into your food, and they had no problem with this?

2. How long of a prison sentence is your husband serving for killing the guy? (Seriously, what did your hubby do to the guy? Or didn't he?)

3. What happened to the guy? Was he ever charged? If not, is the statute of limitations up for that kind of thing in your area?

4. A simple message from me to your parents: Fuck you both.

5. A simple message from me to the guy: Look both ways before crossing the street. Safety first, you know.

1. Apparently not, I guess. They literally treat this guy like their favorite son, better than my brother. I told them I was drugged, because of the fact I could only remember bits at a time, and my mum was like "Or because you are making it up."

2. My dad physically stopped hubby from going and killing the guy. Hubby confronted the idiot one on one when he showed up at my parent's one time, they both pulled out knives, but my dad called the police and they just told the guy not to go to my parent's house anymore if me or my husband was there. Hubby was told that he would have to prove self-defense, but the police wouldn't file any charges because it was on my parent's property and they were all like "No don't listen to the girl she's mental" or some BS.

3. I wasn't allowed to go to the police, and I didn't know that I could, because I was 16 at the time and 17 when I told my parents. My mum was the legal knowledge and she told me there was nothing I could do, because "I lied."

4. I'll let them know. Do you want your message rendered in chainsaw?

5. If you want any more information, just let me know. The guy will leave the mall as soon as he sees my husband, his friends, or any combination of those with me. He lives in the country, where people die all the time from...accidents. And by being hit by drunk drivers. And chainsaw accidents.

[Eisa]

-innocently gets chainsaw ready-

[zombiequeen]

Good thing my dad does construction work and cuts his own wood for the winter, huh!
He also has at least three table saws in his "toolbox."