Feeling overwhelmed

[dragon_wings]

You are still like Neville, you just haven't progressed to the book 5-7 Neville. But you're working on it! That's all that matters.

[Eisa]

Der Cute: Ah, ok. Yes, I should do something similar. My depression's getting worse. Lots worse. It greatly amuses me when people tell me I have no reason to be depressed. XD

It doesn't, but any other option I have at the moment to live with is worse. NOT moving in with my parents again--it becomes tempting every once in a while because I'm...used to their shit? The way they put me down and act like fuckwads? I'm used to it. Built up defenses to it. Still don't really have those to my aunt. But moving in with my parents would mean a giant upswing in flashbacks and feeling awful and hiding in the closet. That would not be fun.

Oh. That would be good. That would be very good. Having someone there who understands how much being places freaks me out. I'm...not completely agoraphobic yet, so I can kind of leave and kind of go places, but I have to be dragged out basically, I don't want to make the decision to go somewhere myself.

Oh, I do write stuff down. Every time I go to the doctor, I write it down. When I've had a therapist, I even would write most everything down. In therapy, I have a prodigious ability to avoid the issue. One time, I told my therapist the entire plot of Tangled. Complete with dialogue snippets. She was impressed. (And it actually worked out, since we then compared me to Rapunzel and my mom's like Mother Gothel... -cough-)

Yeah, I've not really ever looked for an online therapist, not particularly sure where to start. :/ I'll have to start researching that after I sleep some more.

The "how do you feel?" thing always frustrated me. I had therapy with a grad student for almost a year, and that's what I wanted, was "what can I do to help x, I know none of my problems are going to be fixed in a school year, I just want coping stuff" and he'd keep going off on random tangents and just...gah, frustrating as hell. It's also bad when you feel more knowledgeable about psychology in general than your therapist...

Not this moment, but I could try that later, yes. I think I will.


Jester: D'awww. Yay! People like me! Also, you're a wild Pokemon. Ignore the ramblings of my sleep-deprived brain, it likes that thought. XD ...I dunno why.

Other people have answered, but yes...Neville's also really timid. Which I am.


houdini: I thought that was awesome of him! I get chills at the end-of-year feast when Dumbledore gives Neville ten points for standing up to his friends, it's epic.


dragon_wings: He is a TOTAL badass by the end, he's awesome. I like him in the first book, too, people underestimate him a lot. I like when he takes on Crabbe and Goyle at the Quidditch match. I mean, yes, he ends up unconscious in the infirmary, but...

Wait. All the talk about his epic bravery is kinda making my comparison a fail, isn't it... XD I should call someone this week! That gives me until Saturday.


Should go to sleep now...actually did sleep for a couple hours earlier, but I woke up. Funtimes. Not feeling well at all--also PMS-ing. Anyone ever notice how hormones just contrive to make everything else feel a billion times worse? Cuz mine are off-the-charts awful. And this would be the month I run out of my birth control pills. Of course. >.< And don't have over $100 to get another six-months' supply. Fuck. I really don't care about the contraceptive part, it's hormone regulation, pure and simple. D: Another thing that sucks right now.

triggers Want to self-injure this morning. I haven't cut since April 4, 2009. I have, however, scratched myself a few times with my nails, the last time was a couple days ago, and the marks are still there and thus tempting me. I miss that. I always liked the marks. Like proof. Proof I'm not ok, proof that things are fucked up and something is wrong, and taking away the pretending. I hate I don't have any permanent scars at all, I mean, it's not like I want loads, but you would think that over 7 years of doing something would leave...er...something. Nope.

[dragon_wings]

Neville's one of those character's that overcomes a lot to become a really badass character. In the first book: quivering pushover (till he stands up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione at the end). In the last book: one of the baddest of the badass heroes. I <3 Neville.

[houdini]

I um...well, calling you would certainly be brave...I'm like Neville in the first Harry Potter book, however.

I have absolutely no idea what that means, as I have never read any of the Potter books, nor seen any of the movies.

Shy, scared of everything, constantly loses his toad and overcomes his fears at the end (by threatening Harry. I always found that funny).

[Jester]

Jester: Am I weird for thinking "mention his name and a wild Jester appears in the grass?" I'm pretty sure that's weird. It's making me giggle though. And 'tis ok. <3

You're weird for many reasons. This is just one of them. But that's okay...that's why we like you!

I um...well, calling you would certainly be brave...I'm like Neville in the first Harry Potter book, however.

I have absolutely no idea what that means, as I have never read any of the Potter books, nor seen any of the movies.

[Der Cute]

*snippy*

Der Cute: Sorry you were doing the same thing before. D: It really is no fun. I keep getting lectures from someone I know online about isolating myself, but then it seems every time I try to do something to...un-isolate myself, it doesn't work or backfires. Which leads to another "I HATE PEOPLE" post, which leads to another lecture. XD

Hrm. Not sure could go to job center, but am supposed to at least try and go to DVR. After podiatrist appointment. That's another thing to face up to. I really probably need some kind of mobility aid. :/ I don't like facing up to that. I feel like a pathetic cripple. I am not. It still feels that way, though.

I have my aunt, but she's an emotionally abusive, toxic bitch who keeps yelling at me, telling me that my PTSD is nothing, and that my social anxiety is nothing. :/ So she really doesn't even want to help me, she thinks I should do it all myself. Or tries to go "well call ME, I'll make your social anxiety all better." Yes. One phone call to my aunt will magically cure me. When I don't even trust her in the first place. -_- Ok, she doesn't know that part. But actually I should probably at least try to call/talk to friends. Even if only for little short conversations. That...couldn't hurt, right? I hope not. I have to take deep breaths at the thought...yikes, when did it get this bad, I used to be able to at least call my friends, or let them call me if nothing else, now even the thought of them calling me scares me. That's not good.

IM might work. My problem is that the one who helps me the most is my bf, and he is 3000 miles away. They...tend to not wanna help him. He did call urgent care for me once when I was having a bad reaction to my medication. They redirected him to the ER, and then to poison control. I wish he could go with me to appointments. SO much. My mom goes with me to a lot of them, and her being there helps, but also can't go into a lot of detail about a LOT of things with her there.

I'm only saying Job Center because I was unemployed, tried to save money by not staying home (house heat!) and trying to get around humans so I could gradually get back to functional.
It was like...I was so much a hermit. My affect was flat. I couldn't FEEL anything, except dark. I would go to a bookstore and read, free heat, something to do. I went to the job center because you had to to get any unemployment money. And there I had a person who saw how I felt and was compassionate enough to try to help me. He helped pull me up.

If you know you're dark/ptsd/depressed/really messed up, and you're keeping yourself NEAR someone who's toxic, how can that help? Your self esteem/view/confidence is poo, and if you're next to more poo, ... I can only see taking twice the effort to get better.

I was thinking if you had someone to do the legwork to find you counseling/help, then they walk with you and stay with you, by your side, that might help your agoraphobia hush enough to get some help. I did that with a friend, she was super bad at being around people. We'd walk 10 feet into walmart and she'd start getting upset. So we left. Few days later, it was 20 feet. Gradually we walked all around inside and were fine.
Not saying YOU can. I just think if you had support with you, you *could* shoot for getting some help. And. If you do. Write it down. Write your issues/feelings/hope/needs down. Because I bet you a dollar you'd clam up and not be able to talk if anyone asked you something.
There ARE online/IM counselors, Ph.D ones. I don't know how to research them; usually people are referred to help via word of mouth. You may need to speak to someone in person and go from there towards online. Or the other way around. Just start the legwork, it's hard. (hugs here)

I'll put my 2 cents in for finding someone NAO, and getting 2 or 3x week therapy. I had to, when I was first starting stuff. When you go, check out DBT and CBT, behavior therapies you use on the spot. Not the "How do you feel atm?" More like "Ok, you have X in front of you. What skills to deal with X?"

Can you take a step outside onto the porch? Hold it, come back in? Then 2 steps out? You know the door's behind you, it's still open. Ask yourself : "Ok. I did a step. How do I feel RIGHT NOW? How is the environment right around me? How am I feeling right after checking environment? Ok. Good job, self. Step back in and I deserve a high five."

[Eisa]

dragon_wings: I do, my cell phone is like...the only way I communicate with people. (And that is yet again something my aunt bitches out. I was like this is my only human contact...this and the computer...SHUT UP. ) I <3 texts. Boost Mobile is cool. Well, sometimes. The $50 a month is cool, the times it decides to fuck up and act broken are not cool. D: Rambling. Anyway. Thank you!

houdini: Well, I HOPE that would keep her out! I am totally tempted to steal my mom's key, I've even asked like "what the hell do YOU need the key for, I'm the one who lives here." And she's always like "well what if there was an emergency and your aunt had an accident" or something like that. Well, it's not like I have a life, chances are I'd be here...

Jester: Am I weird for thinking "mention his name and a wild Jester appears in the grass?" I'm pretty sure that's weird. It's making me giggle though. And 'tis ok. <3 I um...well, calling you would certainly be brave...I'm like Neville in the first Harry Potter book, however.



Just woke up. Waking up at 3 pm because you accidentally left your headphones in so of course your computer alarm didn't wake you up is fun. Of course if my alarm had gone off, I would have only gotten 3 hours of sleep, so...

[Jester]

Hey Eisa, sorry I never got back to you from that PM....I feel a little guilty about that. Been really busy, although that is not an excuse.

You know you can text me or PM me anytime....or if you dare, call me.

Just saying.

[houdini]

Steal your mother's key!! And buy a locked cabinet to put alcohol in. Tell your aunt it's full of dead ferrets and jelly, that should keep her out.

[dragon_wings]

Late to the party and with little advise. More just and and anything else you want/need.
I know you don't like talking on the phone, but do you have a cell phone you can text from? (sorry if that's been mentioned I didn't read much of the responses being somewhat familiar with your situation.)
Either way if you'd like I'll pm you my phone number (just in case) and my email addy. I have my phone on me at all times, and the awesome thing about a smart phone: constant contact.

[Eisa]

-checks it out- Well, Authonomy looks like a fun place to check out anyway, I love to read. On a writing site I'm on, I've helped people edit their stories/novels (but lordy can that get tiring when someone's book sucks ass and you have to find a delicate way to put it ). I'll try checking publisher's website again, I have before, but couldn't find anything...maybe I could find something this time around. The training thing is good, but tiring. And...difficult. Probably can't say a lot about it, but I can definitely say it is difficult for me. Ah, hmm...I could try doing that, I suppose, at least starting something and seeing if I'm any good at it. Maybe with penguins... (Heh. I like penguins.)

Job-wise...erm...no, not really. Volunteering, maybe, and that reminds me I wanted to email the animal shelter and ask about that. (they have email! squee!) But job-wise, it's all either things that require a lot of time on my feet (which I can't do), or involve lots of phones/talking to people (which...I can't do without being drugged to the gills, I have a feeling). She won't let me have an apartment key, she keeps telling me I don't need it "because we're gonna move," but I've been living with her since the end of May, and she's said the same thing for that long now. My mother has a key to the freaking apartment and I don't. Yeah, that makes me feel great. I'd love if we could find a decent apartment closer to the university, though, that's where a lot of things are, even if I don't want to actually go to anything on campus, and it would be easier to see acquaintances and stuff. Like that's why I stopped going to the LGBTSA meetings--I'm too far out of the way and anyone going there is well already on campus, basically.

-drools some more- WANT SO BAD. Want the Kahlua. Can't have alcohol around my aunt, damn it. WANT ANYWAYS. I did one time when she was out of town, just walked down to the convenience store and got a hard lemonade thing. That was pretty yum. But gave me a headache. -sad face-

Hmm. Good point. :3 I guess I just worry that my phone skills have completely atrophied because either my friends don't care to call me, don't have my number, or KNOW that I hate phone calls, so never randomly call me either. So I don't get any phone calls to practice on! Although Jester did threaten once.

-looks at your location- You're also apparently in England and I would have a hard time justifying an international call... And thank you, I like your advice. <3 It's nice to talk to someone!

[houdini]

Proof reading is a good thing - Authonomy is http://www.authonomy.com/. Really sorry, I can't help at all with US sites - I don't bother remembering them when I find them, because they don't help me. Try checking publisher's websites, and see if there's anything in your local job listings. Government stuff is sometimes quite good for needing proofreaders etc. But the training thing sounds good Web design is quite easy to pick up but you always keep learning - starting on a website of your own or wordpress or a sandbox is good, because you can see how other people do it and then play. Seraph probably has some suggestions about good places to start if it was something you wanted to get into.

Following on from Der Cute's suggestion, is there anything at all that you can do in your town? Even if you have to enlist your aunt/mother to drive you places, getting out (the job centre, or a class of some sort?) would get you out of the house. And if your aunt is keen on moving, try to get closer to stuff as that would help (and might shut her up for five minutes if you look like you're doing something constructive to help yourself?) And get an apartment key if you can, having your own freedom of movement does wonders.

Fallen angels are soooo awesome. I'm currently on JD & Coke and chocolate cookies but that's only because we don't have any kaluhah. That may have to be a purchase for tomorrow...

Final random thought - try not to focus on the phone thing? I don't particularly like phoning people, but i text and email and write letters. As long as I know I don't HAVE to call people to keep in touch, I find it a lot easier to cope when I do get a random call from one of my friends, because I know they're already updated and know I still like them (and all the rest of it...isn't worrying fun?)

Anyways, will stop throwing advice PM me if you want, happy to email anytime :-) and I'll never phone, because I'm in completely the wrong timezone and don't like getting up in the middle of the night!

[Eisa]

houdini: Damn, you're right. I'll have to find a proper cave to move into. I live in Idaho, this shouldn't be that hard...

Um...well, I have a psychology degree...so I like a lot of things in psychology. I write. I can't draw worth shit, but I suppose I can kind of draw goofy penguins. That...might have a certain charm to them? XD I don't really know. Oooh, I DO like proofreading. I am sad that I'm not in the UK. D: I actually really like proofreading, editing, typing stuff up...all those sorts of things. It's fun.

I don't have a job, no. Well...I am still in the training stage of a transcription editing job (that someone linked on here, actually...through 3 play media? It's kinda cool). Is web design that hard? Cuz I've never really done it before. I know I can do proofreading. Anything craftsy, I could try...I tend to end up stabbing myself with needles and stuff like that, so dunno 'bout that, though.

Yeah, we really don't have a lot at all, I think that's why everyone turns to alcohol and drugs. Neither of which I have an interest in. The library's...almost ten miles away. I suppose I could try to figure out the bus system to go there, at least. Part of it is that we live at the wrong end of town...nothing is over this way. My aunt wants to move in the next month or so, though, so I'm hoping that we end up closer to things that are actually interesting/possible to do.

It's supposed to snow today. And it regularly gets down in the twenties, teens, and even below zero. -shivers- Granted, not usually below zero during the day, but still. And yes, during the day. Not helping that it's 9 am and I haven't gone to bed yet either. I made a pledge to myself & my bf I'd take daily walks, but I can't take the cold. /lame Gonna have to try again and hope for the best. Also gets kinda weird cuz I don't have an apartment key (yeah living here is fun ) and my aunt doesn't tend to wake up until like...dark. Like she went to bed at 2:45 pm yesterday, so didn't wake up until about 3 am. O.o

-drools- That sounds sooooooooo gooooooood. <3 Maybe I can make those. XD

Very helpful, thank you. :3



Der Cute: Sorry you were doing the same thing before. D: It really is no fun. I keep getting lectures from someone I know online about isolating myself, but then it seems every time I try to do something to...un-isolate myself, it doesn't work or backfires. Which leads to another "I HATE PEOPLE" post, which leads to another lecture. XD

Hrm. Not sure could go to job center, but am supposed to at least try and go to DVR. After podiatrist appointment. That's another thing to face up to. I really probably need some kind of mobility aid. :/ I don't like facing up to that. I feel like a pathetic cripple. I am not. It still feels that way, though.

I have my aunt, but she's an emotionally abusive, toxic bitch who keeps yelling at me, telling me that my PTSD is nothing, and that my social anxiety is nothing. :/ So she really doesn't even want to help me, she thinks I should do it all myself. Or tries to go "well call ME, I'll make your social anxiety all better." Yes. One phone call to my aunt will magically cure me. When I don't even trust her in the first place. -_- Ok, she doesn't know that part. But actually I should probably at least try to call/talk to friends. Even if only for little short conversations. That...couldn't hurt, right? I hope not. I have to take deep breaths at the thought...yikes, when did it get this bad, I used to be able to at least call my friends, or let them call me if nothing else, now even the thought of them calling me scares me. That's not good.

IM might work. My problem is that the one who helps me the most is my bf, and he is 3000 miles away. They...tend to not wanna help him. He did call urgent care for me once when I was having a bad reaction to my medication. They redirected him to the ER, and then to poison control. I wish he could go with me to appointments. SO much. My mom goes with me to a lot of them, and her being there helps, but also can't go into a lot of detail about a LOT of things with her there.

[Der Cute]

Oh god, I was doing what you did, OP, a few years ago. I had no friends, no internet, was pretty much useless (no job), ...I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Anxiety, depression, unidentified bipolar, isolation, hate humans...etc.
How did I get out? Hm. I made acquaintances at the job center (had to look for jobs) and they invited me over. So I had a human connection pulling me out.
You have your aunt.
What..what if she went WITH YOU and held your hand, while you tried to get some help lined up at a clinic? Most of the time you can't email doctors or offices, HIPPA junk and such.
Oh. Another idea. IM. Would it be possible to IM someone you know that can find you (and do the legwork) a doc you might like..then they go with you to doc's place? It would take some stress off you, the phone calling would be their job.
No matter what, you're going to have to take a deep breath, pray, and say, OK let's do THIS today.

[houdini]

If you're going to be a hermit, at least do it properly At least you still have some contact with the outside world and Other People - you're on here!

Random thoughts:

Is there anything you do - art, writing, crafting, designing - or anything you want to study that you can do? Just thinking that as you're sitting at home on the computer, if you were doing something project-y you might feel more productive? For example, if you like proofreading, there's an (admittedly UK-based) site called Authonomy that lets you read other people's novels, proof-read and critique them - I'm sure there are similar things based in the US. If you like crafting, pick a project that might be useful (I really want to make one of the cute doorstops I keep seeing in shops that cost about £50 but would be so easy to make) and make it. Maybe it would help to have a (self-imposed) target?

Also, you haven't mentioned a job - do you work, or are you at home all day? There are jobs where you only communicate via email - web design etc is one, proofreading is another, crafting can be a third, and you could look at doing those from home.

I don't like bars either - I got round it by finding two or three that were quiet and I could sit peacefully in (admittedly in London where there are loads). I also used to haunt my library, coffee shops and a local potter's studio (who is now - ten years later - still one of my best friends). I'v never lived anywhere really remote, and it sounds like there isn't a lot round you, so not sure I can help with that!

Re falling asleep - get outside! Sunlight and fresh air really does help. Snow and cold...I guess not so much, so it depends on the weather where you are. Are you only falling asleep in the evenings, or is it all day?

I can offer sour cherry chocolate brownies and Fallen Angels (kaluah, baileys, chocolate syrup and milk) - very sweet but soooo good! Om nom nom.

*looks at screed above* I will go hide as well now - sorry for the outpouring of advice! Take anything that's useful and dismiss everything else