Feeling overwhelmed

[Mishi]

*Huge hugs for Eisa and Eisa's sister* Baby blues are horrid, and I really hope that she doesn't get smacked by PPD/PPP this time around. It's hard enough to figure things out with a kid and a new bub, let alone a baby with health problems AND a sick mummy. It's not fair.

Dammit Dalesys, Jazzy loves that 'Hello Kitty' guitar! She's currently watching Transformers 'Day of the Machines'.

[Der Cute]

Here try this stuff:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html
Ok. This is a really badly laid-out website, but that page right there has the 4 modules in DBT.
Click on one of the green links on the right, and you get to the homework for that module. As I said, it's pretty badly laid out. It's hard to read. And you get all of it shoved at you at once, whereas my group gets one lesson per meet.
I'll admit when I was new in counseling this year, I did not want to go to group. I dodged it. I stalled. I was so..withdrawn, shy, introverted did not want to do diddly. Took me about 3 weeks (3 sessions) for me to feel comfortable enough to open my mouth. And there were some meetings where none of it applied to me. At that moment. Right then. But, as I kept going to the group, I would find spots where an OLD skill would be useful "right now".

You're coming back here, popping up, saying hi. That's great. Keep that up, please. Oh, the STOP technique? You set the time frame. You could even be hour to hour; depending on how squirrely you are. See that link. I've had times when my stop time was 3 days from today. Today for me? It's March.
You're doing good hon. You are, and I'm sincere.

[Eisa]

Mishi: -hugs- Yeah. Poor baby. Still haven't gotten to see him either lol. And my sister has the baby blues. Might be something, might not, but if it doesn't go away, it's not a good sign (she had postpartum depression & psychosis with her first baby). Really hoping it goes away.

Jazzy is adorable. You should get her an electric guitar!


Der Cute: I promise I will actually look at your PM today. Gah. Fail.

I can promise I will not go near substance abuse. For one, my aunt would kick me out. For two...never really had any interest in it at all. Sometimes, I'm interested in getting drunk, but then I would also really hate the lack of control, to the point I'd rather just not bother. Self-injury on the other hand? FUCK, is that a hard habit to kick. Stopped for over two fucking years, and STILL slipped up the other day.

I like the stop-week technique idea. Although I'm not sure I could even do two weeks right now. But definitely gonna use that one!

I'm wearing my Pandy's shirt today that says: "healing is a journey...which unwinds in stages and layers." How very true.

I can guarantee I am not stable. But...I can do this...this can be done...it is not impossible. Thank you so much.


FuzzyKitten99: Well, for one, your name makes me happy because I absolutely adore cats. <3 ...which is what makes it suck all the more that I'm allergic. Maybe I could go home and snuggle the dog. His fluffiness makes up for my parents. XP

Baking would probably have to wait until we're moved. My aunt wants a new apartment before January (doubt it's gonna happen, but eh...maybe). And then I could start over in a kitchen that's not so...grungy. Although I do have a fruit pot pie I could pop into the oven. That smells good while it bakes. I also just like cooking in general, but I don't get a lot of opportunities here to cook.

Yeah, winter blows. I don't know about tanning, though, then I'd look my vampire-like paleness! -gasp- I need to go out in the sun...or open the blinds. I can at least open the blinds while I sleep or something. And there will not be a Doctor Who weeping angel looking through the window at me (I could kill my friend for making me watch that episode at 3 am in the dark, I really could).

I do wonder what it would be like to be on anti-depressants, I never have...


BTDT: Yeah...I feel bad for him. But it can be fixed, so that's good.





My friend made an astute observation the other day. I like helping people. I'm good at it. I'm good at listening and just being there. I have a knack for getting people to open up about what hurts, even things they have literally never told another soul. I'm not sure how I do that, to be honest. But I do. I always want to make people feel better. And I do. And my friend observed...that while it's nice and wonderful to spend all that effort and give away so much of myself to help other people...it would be really good to spend some of that effort on me. And I...don't. Not really. I guess I don't feel worthy of it? Like I'm not important or even the remotest bit useful to anyone unless I can help them. I guess that's kind of stupid to feel that way, but...I do.

Also had an absolutely awful dream today, in which I was r@ped. By a passing stranger, I don't even know who he was. And I remember in the dream making a sandwich for school and trying to act all casual and like it was no big deal, so he wouldn't kill me. And that was horrible waking up, felt...shell-shocked. Spacey and anxious and shell-shocked, like someone was about to break in. Obviously, no one did. But chalk up another reason why my door is locked and technically barricaded (mostly to keep light from leaking through into the hallway).

And my friend is also helping me brainstorm ways I can gtfo of here asap. Which helps. If anything would work. Since all I can think of leads me to believe I'm a complete failure. Why couldn't I be interested in a field that doesn't require more than a bachelor's to do anything in?

Feel really, really hopeless. I know people would miss me. I just think I can count them on one hand. Maybe two hands. And no, I can't do anything. And won't. But that doesn't really make the feelings of wishing I could disappear off the face of the planet go away, unfortunately.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Eisa, I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew, poor little guy. I'm just glad such things can be fixed these days. *big hugs*

[FuzzyKitten99]

Eisa... is there anything that you remember that USED to make you happy, anything at all? Close your eyes and think...was it the smell of cookies or bread baking? Spring flowers?

Could you make it out to a store that sells candles/aromatherapy stuff? Find pleasant scents and start sniffing! If you have the supplies/ingredients, bake some cookies or bread (if you don't know how, find stuff on the internet and learn ).

Personally I find baking very therapeutic in that it distracts, gets me up and moving, and I am productive. I can work through most any issue when I work with food. Many of my most stressful issues (and emotional ones) have found resolution in working honey whole wheat bread dough or decorating cookies.

Im in MN and I understand your daylight/winter issue. It exacerbates any current emotional/mental health issues you may already have.

I have been there. Was on Paxil or Zoloft on and off for about 5 years. One day, I forgot to take it...and forgot the whole week... I had a little bit of the withdrawl symptoms but once they passed I thought to myself: Why not try to live without this stuff? So I took it one day at a time.

It has been 8 years since I have taken any medication, and I have not needed to. Any feelings that seem like they are coming back, I give a couple days (and I make sure I check my 'cycle' calendar), and so far, nothing has lasted more than a few days.

One thing that also may help, if you don't want to go outside for sun, see if you can get a tanning bed membership. I have found that in the coldest of winters, a nice 12 minutes in one, with a fan blowing and music going, makes a huge difference.

[dalesys]

Jazzy doesn't have favourites 'because that's not nice and it might hurt their feelings.' She tends to hum along to most of our music, and wants an electric guitar of her own when she's a little bigger.

Maybe she can get a scholarship to ima.org and "Play Like a Girl". Check out the pink "Hello Kitty" guitar at 3:05.

I saw these sisters rockin out forty years ago and they've still got it!

[Der Cute]

Der Cute: And I have now done awfully. Don't want to actually say. Some people know. Suffice to say, my safe place er...left. Feel utterly empty, confused, and lost, and have zero motivation for anything at all. Maybe this upcoming week, can try to gain it back? And take much shorter steps, my boundaries took another giant leap inward, not even leaving my room feels safe at the moment, especially when the rest of the apartment is dark. But I also like it when the apartment is dark, as it means my aunt is asleep. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Ok. Small steps, but keep going again. Can do this.

DBT/CBT specific therapist. Got it. -thumbs up- And HELL YES, I would bring a comfort item, I may come with a stuffed penguin in each pocket and holding my teddy bear. (I once went to school for a week with a stuffed penguin down the front of my shirt. ...yes, that was college.)

Have been stalling and avoiding this week. Mostly cuz of falling apart. But that's not good. Need to...try and pick up all the pieces and keep going somehow. :3

Oh, also. My sister had her baby. He was...6 lbs 11 oz, I think. He also had a cleft palate...like back in his soft palate. Poor thing.

You have NOT failed, honey!!! You are NOT failing!!!!!! Know why? You have outlined issues right up there in that paragraph. You are Self-Aware and are noticing and NAMING what's going on. You are able to SEE that "oh shit it's shrinking" and "dude, I DO need to make smaller steps. But I DO think they're helping". That's not failure at all. That's re-negotiation. "self, can we do this? Kinda? Uh, that was too far? Ok, let's try half of that, self. Is that a deal? Good."

There is a fine line between stalling and re-negotiation. OK? Remember that. You have to be strict with yourself; not Nazi, and not "you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up" ad nausem. More like, "Ok, self, I think we're stalling. hey! Self! We've been doodling around for 3 hours! Come on, just..start...start it, and it will keep itself rolling" (that is true..get out of bed, it becomes easier with each step you take away from the bed)

You're aware that your circle is shrinking, again. You're here, talking to us, you're here, asking for help. That's totally good. Totally. You are trying to find other ways besides counseling to help cheer yourself up, just to get you moving. Totally good. (if you go near substance abuse, *shakes fist*).
Self-Aware is the biggest hardest step.

Did I tell you about my Stop Week technique (I learned that from my counselor)? I'm here, today. Oh shit, I'm fussing and anxious and squirrely thinking about January and February oh fuck oh fuck aaaaaaa....STOP. This is where you say: Ok. 2 weeks from now is where I can think to. Anything PAST THAT is a no. Two weeks from today, and anything after..do not think. hell, it could be 2 days long!
Once you reach middle-ish or end of those 2 weeks..see how you feel in your head. Think you could do a 3 week span, or even 4? Test yourself. But realize and feel your boundaries.

The big hugeass part about this CBT/DBT stuff (Im doing some techniques here with you now) is that you're running dual cycle CPU stuff. You've got 1 core doing regular day stuff, la de dah, doot de doot, let's go shower, eat food..la de dah. Then the other core is spinning Behavior. Improve the Behavior. Self Aware. How am I FEELING.
It's hard work, plain and simple. Know what? I started this DBT stuff back in..oh..Feb 2011. Right now, I've reached a few of the goals I started with. And set more with counselor. She DID tell me that I'm on of the easier people to have as a client, since I'm so determined and willing, and bright about this. It's ok to take longer. Especially if you're not stable or not so depressed in your head. My gunk /mud/crap in my head is a lot thinner than yours at the moment, I think. You've got molasses, I'm like maple syrup (I'm hungry now).

Honey, you're doing fine. You are. there is a link in your PM. Get that, and it's pretty simple. use the doc once a day.

[dragon_wings]

Mishi: I absolutely adore you and your family. Your kids sound awesome. *hugs your kids*

[Mishi]

Awww the poor little man! I'm so sorry that he's got a cleft palate, it's not going to be much fun for him or your sister to have it fixed. *huge hugs* Best wishes to them.

Jazzy doesn't have favourites 'because that's not nice and it might hurt their feelings.' She tends to hum along to most of our music, and wants an electric guitar of her own when she's a little bigger.

[Eisa]

dragon_wings: I did not make you do it! I could have made you do worse. I'm not sure what. But something.

Your hair is lovely in the picture.

Also, metal head mode is awesome. I like Sentenced for the "angsty, depressed as shit" days. Disturbed. KoRn. Some Metallica. Seether. Three Days Grace. Coheed & Cambria for the WTF-ness. Skillet (which is also a Christian band iirc). Thousand Foot Krutch. Ministry. Avenged Sevenfold. Bullet For My Valentine. Mushroomhead. Etc. Etc. Etc. XD Emilie Autumn...sort of. Yuss.


Mishi: Disturbed is the BEST! What's her favorite song/album? That's so adorable. :3 And creepy. ;p -hugs-


Der Cute: And I have now done awfully. Don't want to actually say. Some people know. Suffice to say, my safe place er...left. Feel utterly empty, confused, and lost, and have zero motivation for anything at all. Maybe this upcoming week, can try to gain it back? And take much shorter steps, my boundaries took another giant leap inward, not even leaving my room feels safe at the moment, especially when the rest of the apartment is dark. But I also like it when the apartment is dark, as it means my aunt is asleep. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Ok. Small steps, but keep going again. Can do this.

DBT/CBT specific therapist. Got it. -thumbs up- And HELL YES, I would bring a comfort item, I may come with a stuffed penguin in each pocket and holding my teddy bear. (I once went to school for a week with a stuffed penguin down the front of my shirt. ...yes, that was college.)

Have been stalling and avoiding this week. Mostly cuz of falling apart. But that's not good. Need to...try and pick up all the pieces and keep going somehow. :3


BTDT: Sniff vanilla extract, eh? I see your plan...no, I'll have to see if we have any. XD



Oh, also. My sister had her baby. He was...6 lbs 11 oz, I think. He also had a cleft palate...like back in his soft palate. Poor thing.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

The radio DJ told me today (and he would NEVER lie to me! ) that when you're down, a sniff of real vanilla can perk you up. Notice I said a SNIFF...don't drink the vanilla extract I'm tempted to bring a bottle into work but I think it might be misconstrued...

[Der Cute]

Der Cute: I know what you mean. Oooh, vitamins. I have gummy vitamins. I should remember to take them more. They might have vitamin D in them, not entirely positive. It's also cold as fuck outside, which does not make me more inclined to get out there. I should, though.

Ooh, thank you. Yeah...never done either, although I wanted to try...CBT, I think? Can't remember. My t at the time ignored me, though. And was a twat. So yeah. D:

How to encourage relationships...um...smile? manage to talk instead of staring at the ground and mumbling? try to stop the nervous laughter at everything? hmm.

I suck at interaction, too! I come across as a creeper. D: Well. Not as big a creeper as Jester, apparently, but still.

EXACTLY they never tell you HOW to be those things! "Be more social." HOW? "Don't be so shy." HOW?! "Go do stuff." Seriously...HOWWWWW? I'm not figuring out by magic, there's clearly a reason I haven't just gone out and done that before. XP

I think I would handle a strict routine like that ok-ish. It would be good to have a very strict routine. I've been trying to push my boundaries...and my boundaries are shrinking. A lot. It's like every day, more and more things are added that I used to be able to do and now I can't, and I don't know why. :/ And trying to do them makes me all panicky and shaky and awful.

One change and do it? I think I can do that. Like a: get the list of doctors from my mom already. That one would be good. And can do tomorrow as she has to come over anyway. So will just ask if she will, and then can go from there and research stuff. And then...eep. Contact them.....double eep...

Yep, definitely gotta be careful of stalling, I do that all the time. Not a good thing!

Hey. You've made progress RIGHT HERE. Do you see it? You've identified and solidified exactly what you want. (I said the same damn things "HOW do I do better? What are the goddamn tools for this:???!!!)
You have already set a goal here. See? One goal. One small plan step. One agreement with self. One big breath and realization you need help for this step.
BUT: once you get that step, I'll bet you a dollar that the next step will be slightly easier for you!
Suggestion: pop those vitamins. After a few days, start planning a routine. And give yourself a break. "Self, you didn't do the routine. Bad Self! BAD!" <-----NO It takes at least 3 tries to solidify an idea (this is why you don't change a user's password on a Friday!!!)
So: Start following the routine. Yay, mostly good on Monday..But keep a deadline; no slacking. "Self, yes we know it helps. So, self, we agree to do this by Saturday. Yes, we will. We WANT TO because we KNOW it's better"..

Now, since you know you're scared about getting to the doctor, first get an appointment. Ask specifically for DBT and/or CBT. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Those are required for you to be able to change your behavior with people. Not just a hey, you feeling ok? More of a "You change THIS step, to show THAT and people need THAT behavior..because...."
Ok, so you've lined up a doctor. Yay!
Decide how you're going to get there. Ask yourself: "hey, are we comfortable being outside by myself? No? Ok. What can we do to get this better..I'm walking on rocks here with no shoes..but I can see pavement ahead. So, I'm going to ask a friend/family to help me get there. And it's ok for me to take a comfort item, this is so hard for me it's nuts."

When you're catching yourself stalling or avoiding this stuff, remind yourself: Hey. My circle is shrinking. I'm reaching out for help. But I need to get it and use it to expand. I don't LIKE the shrinking, but how do I fix it? That's what we're doing, self. *give self high five*

I also go to a mental health clinic/group/ building/thingy every week for group therapy on this DBT stuff. And my counselor helps me a lot with this. (that's why I journal things - remember the issues to face).
You're getting there ^5 to you - you've started a goal.

[dragon_wings]

Metal bands that aren't too heavy: For Today and August Burns Red (amazing Christian bands... I usually don't listen to Christian but these two are so awesome) and Hatebreed. Hatebreed has some kick ass inspirational lyrics. Just a suggestion.

I can recommend some darker/heavier stuff for angry/dark days. One of my favorite metal songs has a crazy heavy and intense beat but the lyrics are sooooo fucked up (dirty... talks about sex and prostitution) that it makes it kinda hilarious.

/exits metal head mode

[Mishi]

It's summer here and I have to be back home by 7am when I walk my dog otherwise I start feeling a little crispy. So yes, the sun is EVIIIIL!!

Ooooh that reminds me, Rugz changed the music in the car from Disturbed to Breaking Benjamin, and Jazzy said "Daddy, please put the real music back on again." She also left a Dora the Explorer doll sitting at the top of the stairs, all by itself, just staring and posed like it was cuddled up to the railing. Only a little bit creepy. *hugs* Be stubborn and kick the boundaries down one at a time. You can do it!

[dragon_wings]

dragon_wings: oh, suuuuuuuuuuuuure, blame it on me!

(tis awesome, though. double thumbs-up! )

But, but... you made me do it. :innocent:

Eta: gah. my hair. *hides* (just got it cut so it wants to do its own thing)