Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Next time I'm in the swamp and I see a bunch of items with single letters on them, I won't rearrange them to spell SEND NUDES or HARAMBE.

Maybe.

[Teysa]

Go for it, Irv. What are they going to do? Fire you?

[Food Lady]

I'm not allowed to take more than 5 minutes to solve a complicated billing problem. God forbid we should keep the customer from having to call in and wait on hold again.

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to enter a restaurant that is currently under construction.

[Nunavut Pants]

Apparently I'm not allowed to work...

(Sorry, frustration is getting to me.)

[Ghel]

I am not allowed to ask the reason behind a policy or procedure.
I am not allowed to take the initiative to streamline paperwork or reduce the amount of paper used.
I am not allowed to think for myself. I am merely a cog in the machine.
I am not allowed to make value judgments regarding policies or procedures. I will be told I have an "attitude."
It is more important to get a customer off the past due list than it is to require the customer to get insurance for his collateral.

[LadyofArc]

Singing Galavant songs at work is a no-no.

ESPECIALLY the one song that is dirty enough when put into context, but is even WORSE out of context. And was also cut for being too dirty.

[AkaiKitsune]

1) I am not allowed to fire anyone. Particularly customers.

2) I am not allowed to post a description of the chaos theory on the management practices board in the staff room.

3) I am not allowed to pick the locks to the smokes cupboard because someone took the key home with them.

4) I am not allowed to use 'alternative means of logging in' if those means are technically illegal and involve hacking.

5) I am not allowed to change the store music.

6) I cannot tie new employees to a chair with duct tape as training. Even though I was asked how to deal with annoying customers.

7) I am not allowed to be the broker of an underground buying and selling of shifts for myself or others. Even if the management doesn't remember any of our names and can't recognize half of us.

8) I am not allowed to refer to Head Office as the stormtrooper base.

9) I am not allowed to change the names in mass emails sent to HO so that instead of the name or email of the person they are called 'stormtrooper 1', 'stormtrooper 2', 'stormtrooper 3', 'jar jar binks' (accountant), 'Darth Vader' (chain owner), etc. Justifing it by explaining how useless and incompetent HO is does not help my case.

10) In fact I'm not allowed to use Star Wars references at all anymore.

11) I am not allowed to speak in foreign languages. Even if the customer doesn't speak English and I know enough of their language to get by.

12) I am not the patron saint of Michief... No matter what my dept. manager thinks.

13) The two drink limit at company parties does not mean first and last. It also doesn't mean two kinds of drinks.

14) Sitting in the First Aid room hooked up to IV fluids is not the way to deal with my hangover.

15) The barn cat cannot tell me when it's break time. And if it does, there's meds for that nowadays.

16) I am not allowed to 'borrow' the school riding horses to get the most realistic costume for the four horseman of the apocalypse.

17) I am not allowed to prey on the superstitions of others.

18) I am not allowed to fill an old prescription bottle with 'chill pills' (tic tacs) and label it as such.

19) I am not allowed to suggest leap year dates for any important annual meetings.

20) When writing terms and conditions contracts I'm not allowed to put ridiculous things in there 'even though nobody ever reads that shit anyway.'

21) If I am told to wear my uniform to work it means the company uniform. Not the military dress uniform I'm pretty sure I never actually wore for the very brief time I was a desk jockey. Nobody cares how bright and shiny my boots are.

22) I am not allowed to play Janga with the empty cardboard boxes even if they are shaped like Janga pieces.

22) I am not allowed to draw a life size 3CPO and R2D2 on the door of the server room. Even if it's full of ancient tech, the overhead lights haven't worked in years and most of the room is taken up by blinky light boxes possessed by the souls of problem customers. (What did you think we ran our outdated system on? Electricity?)

23) A rope attached to the weird hook thingy in the ceiling is not a supstitute for a ladder and I must not 'shimmy up it like a monkey'.

24) I am not an animal and cannot make monkey noises. Even though I was called one.

25) I am to use a solid line to break up the notes for different dept. not a series of lines and dots. Particularly since one clever monkey figured out that I was using the written form of morse code. They did not appreciate my side comments.

27) I am not allowed to build a fort out of hay bales to avoid customers.

28) I cannot call in dead on Monday's because I used up all my sick days and I stayed up to late marathon watching a series. Particularly if I don't actually work that day.

29) I am not allowed to leave those mechanical motion sensor mice, or those squishy mice from Halloween, in the Manager's desk drawer. This is not the way to communicate that we have a mouse problem in the store again.

[LadyofArc]

When running through a hospital, the phrase "I see the light at the end of the tunnel," should not be used - even if you can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

ETA: This is actually work-related funnily enough. My manager and I had to run a document over to a building in the hospital and got lost.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to come to work dressed in a reindeer onesie even though management said we could dress in whatever so long as it was Christmas themed.

[Kit-Ginevra]

/\ This has to be seen

[LadyofArc]

From my archery club shoots and events:

- I am not allowed to refer to one of the club members puppies as "dinner."
- Nor is he the special ingredient in whatever we're cooking. (Said puppy is a dachshund)
- I am not allowed to ask the guys to compare liripipes.
- Except when they're comparing it against one of our cross-dressing female members (She wears male garb for events - her liripipe is almost as long as she is and we've discovered it's long enough to stick a longbow inside it)
- One of our members is not Grover from Sesame Street.
- I am not allowed to try and emasculate (see liripipe comment above) our club president.
- The garb of shame is not a torture device.
- I am not allowed to refer to the kitchen captain as "kitchen wench."
- I am not allowed to steal the dummy from one of the camps and use it as an example of what happens when you don't follow instructions. (Said dummy was dressed up as a knight with arrows sticking out of him)
- Crossing over business with pleasure, I am not allowed to steal the dummy from WORK and dress it up as an example of what happens when you don't follow instructions. (We have a dummy in our clinical room that is creepy as hell)
- Our "monks" are not allowed to give the blessing "exubarae mammarae" to members of the public.
- The falchion is not a 14th-century Veg-o-matic and I am not allowed to describe it as "it slices, it dices, it juliennes your enemies."
- ESPECIALLY if someone is vegetarian.
- Asking the guys to compare bollock daggers is inappropriate...except when in public.
- I am not allowed to proudly walk around announcing I now have a dick pin.

[LadyofArc]

I am not allowed to refer to an event that we're organising this year as "Fuck-a-pa-looza."

(The reason for us organising said event was because of a clash with an event we usually get invited to, so we decided to hold our own instead.)

[TheWolfEmperor]

I am not allowed to declare myself the ruler of Clan Apparel and declare war on the Electronics Department.

[drunkenwildmage]

I am not allowed to use 'Dark Wizard' as my Job Title.