Corporate buzz words that piss you off

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Of course, the Kinko's mission statement used to be "Work, Love, Play", too, so I guess I can't expect much.

Heh, that's funny.

"Play Love Work" would be funnier--and more appropriate for many of us.

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

The department I work in is called "Customer Care" , makes it sound like we're supposed to be babysitting them or something.

We are also told that to provide top service is to "Own every call" whatever the heck that means. On top of that our job was apparently to "Be the reason" (the customer does business with us). To further drive home this point, we all got t-shirts that say, you guessed it: "I am the reason"

God I hate those shirts.

[mattm04]

De-install, how about remove the<whatever> The number of e-mails we get saying "De-install the table that was in the Planogram dated ...., display number X"

signage

[Kiwi]

"empowerment" and "efficency"

it seems like every single quater our company comes out with this new "miracle" strategy to save the company and its basically renaming the same thing and reorganising the same people in the same departments to do slightly different things.

you ever try to keep track of 260 people on a phone console that is constantly changing, what they do, what department they are in, who they work with..... I HATE that part of my job, it is at least an hours work every day of me sending through requests for IT to update so and so

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Oh good lord. We don't have buzzwords that are thrown about, but all our departments have pretentious names.

First we've got Risk Management---they are basically our techs for the security programs we use. We have an IT department, but they are for the basic programs---windows, explorer, etc. Risk Management specifically deals with our Metavante, Mazuma and Hera programs, which all deal with keeping the credit cards secure and communicating with bank computers.

We are known as Revenue Assurance. We're the security department, but oh no, we aren't supposed to say that to a customer. The division of Revenue Assurance who deals with accounts that banks have reported fraudulent activity on is known as the Chargeback Department. Of course they are the fraud department, but that's even worse then security department! Oh Noes!!!

The managers and leads in our departmen are collectively referred to as Support Staff. This is supposed to make us feel more comfortable with going to them for questions, or something. We still ask the person next to us, though. It's just easier.

We have a department that deals specifically with problems. They deal with upset customers, people demanding unreasonable things, issues when the computer screws up (like charging someone twice for once payment, etc). These people are called CSR III's. I have no idea why. It's confusing because the recharge reps are known as CSR's.

We are referred to as The Team, and the trainers are the Team Coaches. We are referred to as such in every single email:

Team!

We have a new policy to follow regarding...

you get the idea.

[sms001]

l Lifetime Non-Achievement Award to anyone who uses the word "matrix" to describe a freaking Excel spreadsheet.

oops. I'm afraid I get one of these. In my defense, it's what I was taught in college was the correct term for time scheduling.

Some of my , errr... "favorites"


pop - Along the lines of "crisp" I guess, and not too bad except for its constant overuse.

planogram - Isn't this just a schematic? Or even (dare I say it) a shelving plan?

And my all time most despised:

SIGNAGE - Ya know, the English language already had a perfectly good word for more than one sign before you advertising and marketing ginks decided rather arbitrarily that it didn't make your job look important or useful enough.

[BlaqueKatt]

Of course, the Kinko's mission statement used to be "Work, Love, Play", too, so I guess I can't expect much.

we have "Vision, Passion, Purpose" for the main company that pays my checs-I'll have to look up what the company that pays them for our work is, as it is equally as stupid.

[Dreamstalker]

I've sometimes wanted to get a shirt with an apple on it or something and call it my 'iShirt'... or make a comment about my i-Glasses.

My first name starts with an I. We have some old friends in VA, a childhood nickname of mine was "Iphone" (stemming from some verbal confusion between mine and my mom's name one day). So that means I'm the original iPhone, can I sue Apple?

[daleduke17]

Just a few I don't like (and I don't work in retail anymore):

BOB, LISA, SAM - Those are people's names, not acronyms.

Bas-cart - It's a shopping cart. I will accept "basket" when the store demands "BOB" to be used. I would, instead, prefer the acronym BOSCO: "Bottom Of Shopping Cart Observation" at least BOSCO sounds cooler than BOB. :-p

TO: ThePhoneGoddess, have you listened to George Carlin when he talks about "Shellshock" and how the word has been made to sound "better" by calling it "Post-traumatic stress syndrome"? That is the first thing I thought of when I read your post.

"Shopping Season" - I cannot stand how the year is broke into "seasons". Christmas Shopping Season is November/December, Back to School is July/August. So on, so forth. You can buy whatever whenever you want. I've bought school supplies in April and Christmas gifts in September before. So, "seasons" are useless.

[Gurndigarn]

How about calling your corporate headquarters the FSC ("Field Support Center")? If they have us some support, it might work, damnit!

[Becks]

I think of how I am not treated as a customer of the place I work at.

Even employees who buy things at the store I work at aren't considered customers. Hey, thanks for the love, ownerman!!

we all got t-shirts that say, you guessed it: "I am the reason"

God I hate those shirts.

Can I have it? I'd have fun with it.

[blas]

Here's another one that's a favorite of higher-ups that takes on a whole new definition of hypocrisy: "Work Smarter"

To do that would mean take extra care to make sure you have all the right paper work and the right job in order. To work smarter would be to work efficiently yet safely. To work smarter would be to be careful as to not cause damage or let garbage product slip past you.

And yet with all this overtime and falling behind....they get so mad when we fall behind yet we catch every problem with bad orders..they get MAD that we catch stuff before it can go on any further! Quality over quantity my round ass!

[protege]

Here's one for you: Scout it out.

Yep, that was the slogan one year at camp. I just have to ask...who the hell says that? Other than the camp director, that is. Of course this is the same guy who made a speech beginning with "this goes to show you that sea monsters are fake, and divers are real..." Needless to say, he got upset when all the T-shirts (light blue, orange lettering) with that on it didn't sell very well.

Then there's the new phrase at work. We're not allowed to call some of our staff "interns" anymore. They're all "part-time people" now

[Geek King]

Here's one for you: Scout it out.


Then there's the new phrase at work. We're not allowed to call some of our staff "interns" anymore. They're all "part-time people" now

Huh, we always called them Staff Helpers in Training. That stopped when the camp director decided to use acronyms (that we used in private anyway ).

I use the phrase "scout it out," but only in reguards to taking one of my rogue characters and using stealth to poke around monster lairs for areas of interest. Possibly when looking at future convention sites for the anime convention I work at every year.

[eltf177]

Two that some of the older folks might remember:

Power Lunch - Ye gads, I hate these two words together!

Win-Win Situation - No such thing, folks!