whats the funniest thing youve ever heard a customer say

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Okay, I just remembered a good one.

Public television. We used to do this show that was about antiques..oh, what the hell. It was called "What In The World Is It?" and in it we had a panel of experts that would try to identify "mystery antiques." We had this one item that NOBODY could identify, and it was on the entire run of th show and never did get pegged. It was a carved piece of wood, about 3 feet long. Shaped sort of like a post with a basketball sized lump at one end, and a softball sized lump at the other end. Weird. I suspect it was some sort of folk art, but that's an uneducated guess.

As a feature of the show, you could call in and ask the panel questions, or take a stab at guessing the mystery object.

Well for whatever unfathonable reason, we were not on an audio delay. This was live.

So this lady calls in and takes a crack at the weird wooden thing. Her twangy southern voice reverberated throughout the studio,"I reckon it's something you use to beat your meat."

Everyone's eyes got all big and we collectively cringed. I was running camera 3, and I looked over at my boss on camera 2. He gave me a deer in the headlights look.

Panelist: Uh...you mean like...
Caller: A meat tenderizer, yeah. You know, you beat your meat with it.

I looked back over at my boss, P, and mouthed "Is she for real?"

I could hear the control room going nuts over the headset. P had his hands over his eyes. I started giggling.

Director: (over the headset) Oh, holy fk she did not just say that. Oh, st!

I looked over at the panelist in my shot. His face was growing bright red, but to his credit, he didn't laugh. The other panelists, those not currently in a shot, were dying. One was hanging over the arm of his chair, silently crying with laughter. At this point, I lost it and spent the next 20 minutes trying not to laugh out loud in the live studio.

Caller: You know, you grab that small end and use the large end to beat your meat.

P's shoulders were shaking with laughter as he leaned on his camera. The show's host, a very nice lady, looked like she'd just discovered she was on live tv with a booger on her face. The caller said it a total of 6 to 8 times before the director finally came to his senses and yelled into the headsets:

Director: This broad cant' be serious! Holy shit, cut the audio! Lose that call! fk!

You know, on one hand, I cannot IMAGINE that this woman was not pranking us. I mean, nobody would do that unless it was a joke. On the other hand, she sounded so country and so sincere, that to this day I really do not know if she was being serious or not.

[MadMike]

So this lady calls in and takes a crack at the weird wooden thing. Her twangy southern voice reverberated throughout the studio,"I reckon it's something you use to beat your meat."

Damn, that's the funniest thing on here I've seen in ages! Was this a live broadcast, by chance?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Why, yes it was. Live, studio audience, and no audio delay. Flying without a net, as I like to say.

[Professional Serf]

I had a group of very well dressed, clearly professional young men come into my store once and ask me how many bags of rocksalt they'd need to cover their lawn to make it look like snow.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

You know, on one hand, I cannot IMAGINE that this woman was not pranking us. I mean, nobody would do that unless it was a joke. On the other hand, she sounded so country and so sincere, that to this day I really do not know if she was being serious or not.

If this thing was three feet long, it would seem to me to be a little too big to...ummm, errrr, uhhhh....serve that purpose.

So I thought she was being serious, that this is something you use in your kitchen. Talk about your double entendres though. It must take a lot of professionalism to not pee your pants laughing on the air at something like that.

[Scottya21]

don't know about you but there are just some items where being cheap is really not something you should be doing...

You know you're in a REALLY bad neighborhood when you start seeing competition amongst dollar stores. Like, 99 cent stores, 98 cent stores, etc. I bet they sell all that stuff too.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

That's what I'm saying. It was fairly large. It would have made a pretty good caveman club.

Hmmmm....hadn't thought of that one.

[Spiffy McMoron]

Because the Great Wall of China was built to keep the Vagina Mongolians out of China.

That must have been quite the invading horde!

But it came with a free corncob pipe!

Ah, the obligatory Simpsons reference. No good thread can exist without it!

Anyway, this story wasn't all that funny at the time, but now I giggle about it. It's back in my Crappy Tire days, and I'm filling out a warrenty form for a couple. I'm trying to print carefully, so that my writing can be universally read. One of them (the woman) leans over the counter and looks at what I'm writing. She then says, "You write just like my husband!"

Not sure if that was a compliement or not, but I said "thank you" nonetheless. She then continued, "Yeah, I tell people that he writes like a sociopath-it has to be all neat and consice."

I remember looking up and giving her the weirdest look. I don't remeber if I gave that a direct responce, but looking back, that was probably the funniest thing that I've ever heard a customer say.

[DarthRetard]

"Tu tienes pornografia?"

No, sir. Radioshack no longer carries pornography.

I quit.

[MMATM]

Only two good ones that I can think of.

"Do you guys have bagels?" I hope he was kidding. The word "Bagel" is IN OUR STORE'S NAME! And not part of another word either.

C: *Looking directly at the marbled bagels* "Marble... like marble bread?"
Me: No, we put little glass balls in your food. "Yes, just like marble bread."
C: "So, is that a type of bagel?" (Note that the basket of marbled bagels is on a wall COVERED in baskets of different types of bagels, along with a small section for rolls. Also, the bagels themselves can be clearly seen from the other side of the counter.)
Me: *Eyebrow raise* "Uh, no. It's a roll with a hole in it."

I'm sure there have been others. And I don't mean the 30 people a day that ask what soups we're offering as they stand right in front of the "Today's Soups" sign.

[Professional Serf]

"Why do my houseplants die when I plant them outside?"

"I want a beautiful flowering plant that never needs to be watered and grows in the shade" Try a fake one dumbass!

[HYHYBT]

If this thing was three feet long, it would seem to me to be a little too big to...ummm, errrr, uhhhh....serve that purpose.

Someday, she's going to be incredibly dissapointed

[Posture Moll]

I remember the time I ended up annoying this one lady because, due to her thick accent, I couldn't tell if she was asking for an item in 'wide' or 'white'.

SC: Whad arya stoopid or sum'in? I said 'Whayd'! W-I-T-E!

I still chuckle about that one.

[DesignFox]

Funniest one I had: (can't remember her exact words but it was something along the following lines) I'm helping a little girl pick out a toy. Of course, we have the mommy toy, and you can buy the baby toy separately. So, I ask her if she would like the baby to go with the mommy. Little girl says, "well, she can't possibly have a baby. You need to have a boy in order to make..." (Mom interjects before the kid can say much more)

My face turned a shade pinker (this kid was maybe 8), but I managed NOT to laugh at this innocent kid. I told her that maybe the mommy was nice and adopted the baby, because it was an orphan and needed a home...

Laughed like crazy as soon as they were out of earshot though...

[tollbaby]

That's not terribly unusual though, especially since the kid is 8... My 5 year old has made similar comments (You don't want to get my started on my 7 year old... he's a certified genius, and extremely precocious)