How Not to Get Hired 101

[CloserToSane]

Don't call about a job and five minutes in start criticising the work we do. We can't say we'll give you a job if all we have is your first name.

[catcul]

I think This thread website is proof positive otherwise.

I fixed it for you.

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Dear "other" Catcul,

I like you. No, it's not because you have the same first name as me. You seem to be a fun guy to work with. We really could use your skills. We don't have enough techs on our team.

XCM decided on the first week of our project that he couldn't handle the travel and college at the same time. I don't blame him, TBH.

SXCW 1 was let go because he did incredibly stupid things. I'm afraid if I try to explain his antics, my brain would melt.

SXCW 2 was let go because he decided he didn't need to do the job the way the IT department wanted him to do it. Apparently, he felt that he knew the process better than the entire Information Technology department. I don't know why, either.

However, you should know that hiring managers will find the smallest excuse to weed you out. Unfortunately, the project manager thought you weren't taking our project seriously. It seemed to me that you acted that you already had the job. Also, you had a tattoo on your hand. Yes, I noticed it. Unfortunately, I'm sure PM noticed it, too. Banks don't like anyone working for them to have a visible tattoo. The only place that would be a worse location would be on your face.

I hope you are successful in your future endeavors. It would be a good idea to get rid of that tattoo.

Sincerely,

Catcul

[DGoddessChardonnay]

No kidding, what was he smoking and did he bring enough for everyone?
I find to hard to believe someone could be that delusional without chemical help.

I think this thread is proof positive otherwise.

[taxguykarl]

My brain just broke...

No kidding, what was he smoking and did he bring enough for everyone?
I find to hard to believe someone could be that delusional without chemical help.

[wolfie]

The only way someone who got caught stealing would have a chance of getting hired at the same place would be if the job were "professional baseball player" and he had got caught stealing bases.

[eltf177]

We had a customer who came in every day. Real nice guy but it turns out he stole cleaning supplies from us, so we had to call the police.
Well, he gets arrested and we all forget about him.
Later on, he calls my boss(We'll call my boss, 'boss') and says, "Hey, boss, I'm really sorry about all the times that I've shoplifted from you guys... Is there any way that I could fill out an application for a job or did I mess up?"

Needless to say, he didn't get the job...

My brain just broke...

[SuckMyFuxkCustomers]

We had a customer who came in every day. Real nice guy but it turns out he stole cleaning supplies from us, so we had to call the police.
Well, he gets arrested and we all forget about him.
Later on, he calls my boss(We'll call my boss, 'boss') and says, "Hey, boss, I'm really sorry about all the times that I've shoplifted from you guys... Is there any way that I could fill out an application for a job or did I mess up?"

Needless to say, he didn't get the job...

[catcul]

However superbly you might shine in the interview,having your email address on your CV as samtheslut@mymail.com has-before we've even met you- put a picture in our minds of the sort of girl you are....

I might not give you the job, but I have a position for you later tonight.

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FB: Former boss
PB: Prospective boss

Walk out of your job, angering FB. Apply for a job at a different job. Have PB call FB to confirm your dates of employment at former job. After FB gets home, have FB call PB and tell PB exactly what happened. You can't prove they were talking about you.

[Kit-Ginevra]

However superbly you might shine in the interview,having your email address on your CV as samtheslut@mymail.com has-before we've even met you- put a picture in our minds of the sort of girl you are....

[catcul]

My mother told me about these two people.

Fail #1

Hand application for a job as store manager to receptionist while, ...
*Having long, greasy hair and a "Fu Manchu" mustache
*Wearing
**A tank top
**Jean shorts
**Flip-flops

He didn't get an interview.

Fail #2

This is a woman who was applying to be a cook.

*Park car in direct sunlight on a hot summer day
*Leave your 2-year-old daughter and infant daughter in car
*Enter building for interview
*Have an employee tell interviewer about the car/oven
*Have interviewer inspect the car
*Have interviewer threaten to call police if you don't leave immediately.

Needless to say, she didn't get the job.

[Mr. Security]

Go to a Job fair interview at a building you have been barred from by security and "try" to hide your identity when passing security with an interviewer

[lachesis]

A remembered instance from when I worked at a medium sized family run florist... I heard this second hand from the dispatch guy in the delivery department.

The company was hiring temp delivery drivers for valentines day. One guy was hired, showed up the morning of the big day, had the back of his truck loaded up with floral arrangements, and... never came back. It was discovered that he set up his own little cash only roadside shop with stolen merch. I guess this is more of a how not to get RE-hired with a side of having charges brought up against you for theft.

[Tigress]

Send a two-line Email our help desk, stating you are interested in a business analyst position. Include a link to your LinkedIn profile.

... Which creates a ticket in our ticketing system, where everyone in the IT department can laugh at your stupidity.

[drjonah]

Received a resume a few weeks ago. Candidate looked promising but they flat out REFUSED to fill out the online application that my company requires. Everytime he would call about the status of his resume we had to tell him to fill out the application online and he wouldn't. Finally we told him we filled the position.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Received a resume today, among other things this candidate would like to 'increase his ineptitude at home renovation skills'.