I give up... (VERY long and emotional)

[Jester]

I have some very good reasons as to why it would be very hard for me to move on, but I won't go into all of that here. If you want to know more, I can PM you later, after I get home from work.

I never said it would be easy to move on. I simply said you needed to do whatever it is you need to do TO move on.

And if you want to PM me, feel free. I'll leave that up to you.

The problem right now is that I'm still in my first 90 days of my new job, so I don't have my health care benefits yet.

No situation is perfect. I would say either find some way to get help now or, at the worst, wait until your health benefits do kick in, and get health then.

I have to work today, but I'm off the next 3 days. I had taken off to go to a wedding that I no longer feel like attending, so tomorrow, I'll start trying to find other options for free or really low-cost mental health care.

I think it might be a good idea for you to attend that wedding, not only for your own sake, but because if these are good friends and they are expecting you, it might upset them if you pulled a no show. Do you really want to burn more social bridges?

Of course, only you can decide what is best for you, and I do like the fact that hyou plan on using some of your time off to find some help. Personally, I think you can do both: attend the wedding and find low cost mental health care.

The number one thing to do is think outside your town. Look at how huge this planet, this world is. The world's a much bigger place than you think.

This is an excellent point, and a great example of this is Haiti. As you may be aware, they had a devastating earthquake there this week. While it may seem far away to you, it is not so far away to me. Not only because I am geographically closer, but because there are so many Haitians in Key West. Many kitchens are staffed with Haitians, including The Bar. Which means a lot of my coworkers are still waiting to hear from their loved ones, and as of yesterday, none of them had heard anything.

So while you may have it bad, Jack, and I'm not belittling your situation, you might want to step out of yourself for a moment and look around you, and realize that a lot of people in the world have it much, much, much worse.

[Jack T. Chance]

You need to go to that wedding, Jack. It would be good for you to be around your family and celebrate the happiness of someone else instead of wallowing in your own misery.

Seriously. Go to the damn wedding.

I think it might be a good idea for you to attend that wedding, not only for your own sake, but because if these are good friends and they are expecting you, it might upset them if you pulled a no show. Do you really want to burn more social bridges?

It's my niece that's getting married (my sister's a good bit older than I am, and I've been "Uncle Dan" since I was 12 years old) and my sister and her family will most likely ask me about how things are going. And I really don't feel like letting them know that I've let myself turn into someone I despise.

I never said it would be easy to move on. I simply said you needed to do whatever it is you need to do TO move on.

And if you want to PM me, feel free. I'll leave that up to you.

Yeah, I'll PM you later. Maybe you'll have some helpful advice for me once you know more of the story.

No situation is perfect. I would say either find some way to get help now or, at the worst, wait until your health benefits do kick in, and get health then.

Of course, only you can decide what is best for you, and I do like the fact that you plan on using some of your time off to find some help. Personally, I think you can do both: attend the wedding and find low cost mental health care.

I might go, I haven't entirely made up my mind. I just feel like all I do is ruin the lives of the people I care about, and I keep thinking that my niece's special day will be worse if I'm there.

This is an excellent point, and a great example of this is Haiti. As you may be aware, they had a devastating earthquake there this week. While it may seem far away to you, it is not so far away to me. Not only because I am geographically closer, but because there are so many Haitians in Key West. Many kitchens are staffed with Haitians, including The Bar. Which means a lot of my coworkers are still waiting to hear from their loved ones, and as of yesterday, none of them had heard anything.

So while you may have it bad, Jack, and I'm not belittling your situation, you might want to step out of yourself for a moment and look around you, and realize that a lot of people in the world have it much, much, much worse.

Yes, I know all this. It doesn't change the fact that I've made the wrong choices in my life, and have hurt someone I never wanted to hurt as a result. It doesn't change the fact that I've let myself become a horrible, thoroughly dysfunctional person. And all the mental health care in the world can't erase the past, it can't change what I've already done. And that's where it all falls apart.

[Der Cute]

That's because we aren't trained professionals. We can/do hand out advice to people who are showing CLASSIC signs - because many of us here recognize it, have lived it or know people with it. But we can't FIX you, because that work is something YOU have to DO YOURSELF.

It's not easy being depressed, because well, the glue holds your ass to the chair and you don't feel like doing anything about it because you just don't. It takes effort, desire and discipline to seek out assistance for the issues. And bulldogged style relentlessness.

So there are lots of non profits around here who work on sliding scales and/or freebies to help those people. But I wouldn't have known WHERE to ask unless I STARTED asking for help. And KEPT asking. I don't back down easily - I ask, they say No We Don't, I ask So Who Does?

That's the kind of stuff to do. Having a job is great. Having a job with a mental illness is OK. Having a job with an untreated mental illness = TROUBLE. BTDT. Be careful, and I'll be thinking about you.

Cutenoob

Jack, re read my post here.

Currently you're feeling like shit. OK.
But do you want to STAY feeling like shit? Yes or No.
Yes? Then don't do anything at all.

No? START WORKING ON GETTING YOURSELF BETTER. First step is always hard, yes. Usually it's a "We don't fix you". "We're booked til Doomsday." YOU HAVE TO ASK WHO ELSE TO ASK. You have to have the bulldogged relentless chutzpah to say I need teh help. I need it now. I feel like shit now. I need it now. And repeat until you GET THE HELP OR GET THE BALL ROLLING. You know you're on the right track when you've got Le Spark Of Hope starting to fire up. Are you there???

If you want to get better and not feel like shit, you have to do something about it. We cannot reach through the Internet Tubes and pull your ass off the chair! We can send hugs and care, but we cannot do the legwork needed to get you better.

You are at the first step of fixing yourself. I'm about 1/4 in, I have a plan, deadlines/timelines, pinpointed what I need to work on.....I'm further ahead. BUT IT'S NOT A RACE. IT'S A GET YOUR ASS BETTER.

Jack, I've been in your shoes. I've been dejected, dark, low level energy, evil depression, felt like the 10000 Ton thing was sitting on me......but I decided to do something. Because, well, I have a kid coming. I can't be like that ^ and have a munchkin depending on me. I have a life change event coming. I need, and CHOOSE to be better. I have the Spark Of Hope. Do you?

Cutenoob

[Jester]

I just feel like all I do is ruin the lives of the people I care about, and I keep thinking that my niece's special day will be worse if I'm there.

Objectively you know the first part is not true, even if emotionally you feel like it is. As for the second part, don't you think she might be just a tad bit UPSET if her Uncle Dan doesn't show up to her WEDDING? It's not even like your RSVPing that you can't be there....from what you said, the wedding is any day, and I assume they expect you there. Pulling a no show is going to be okay with her? Don't you think that's a bit, oh, I don't know, selfish on your part? Even if you don't feel like being there for whatever reasons, make yourself go, and if you can't enjoy yourself, fake it for the sake of your niece.

And I really don't feel like letting them know that I've let myself turn into someone I despise.

And you think they won't know something is wrong when you stand your niece and her groom up? Shit, if you have to, LIE to them when they ask you how things are. "Oh, things are fine." What, you've never told a white lie? You've never told someone you were fine when you weren't, just so you wouldn't have to deal with the situation or the person?

I and many others have been sitting here trying to help you and make you see that you are not the shitbag you seem to think you are. But ya know what? If you blow off your niece's wedding, that is a shitbag move. You might just prove yourself right.

So seriously, at least for that one day, pull your head out of your ass, fake a smile, be a fucking man, and go to the wedding. And have an open mind....you might just enjoy it.

Yeah, I'll PM you later. Maybe you'll have some helpful advice for me once you know more of the story.

It's possible. PM me. And keep in mind, if you don't hear right back from me, it's not because I have decided that you aren't worth my time since you are so worthless (as you seem to believe), but that I am a busy guy, I work a lot, I have a lot going on, and frankly, it might take me some thinking time to answer you. I don't always just spew this advice out my asshole unchecked.

Usually. But not always.

Yes, I know all this. It doesn't change the fact that I've made the wrong choices in my life, and have hurt someone I never wanted to hurt as a result. It doesn't change the fact that I've let myself become a horrible, thoroughly dysfunctional person. And all the mental health care in the world can't erase the past, it can't change what I've already done. And that's where it all falls apart.

Let's say for the sake of argument that you're right about not being able to rectify the past. I personally don't think you are, but just for now, let's say that is the case. So in that sense, you are correct that mental health care won't do a thing about that.

However, don't you think it just might help you to NOT make the same wrong choices in the future, so that you can stop doing such horrible things?

Look, I can't take back the relationship I had with The Worst Girlfriend Ever. What happened happened, and she totally conned me, used me, manipulated me, etc. You get the point. And nothing I ever do can change that. But ya know what? I learned from that vile woman, and it is going to be that much tougher for another manipulative hobag to pull anything similar with me again. I used the negative situation as a positive learning experience. Rather than worrying about fixing what happened, I focused on the future and how I could improve on things, including the choices I make in choosing women.

By the way, dropping the whole "sake of argument" thing, I would like to point out that, more often than you think, we really CAN rectify our past mistakes.

[Jack T. Chance]

Okay, okay, I give in... I'll go to the damn wedding.

As for my thoughts on the other comments... they'll have to keep 'til later. Gotta go to bed now so I can get up early enough in the morning to be able to go to the wedding.

[JuniorMintz]

Okay, okay, I give in... I'll go to the damn wedding.

As for my thoughts on the other comments... they'll have to keep 'til later. Gotta go to bed now so I can get up early enough in the morning to be able to go to the wedding.

When I got married, I was deeply hurt and frustrated when members of my extended family couldn't put their petty bullshit feuds aside for ONE day to come support my husband and I on the biggest day of our lives.

I'm glad you decided to go. Please try to be pleasant when you get there, even if you don't feel like it. You'll have plenty of time to take care of yourself afterwards.

[Jester]

I don't think anyone here was trying to pressure you into going to the wedding, only that we wanted you to understand that your niece would likely be very hurt if you didn't go.

Example from my own life: I have spoken many times on here about my older sister and what an unpleasant person she is. A perfect example of this is years ago, I got engaged. Now, my fiance and I had not even set a date for our wedding, other than thinking it would be about a year and a half from that time. My dear, darling, lovely older sister told me she didn't think that she and her then-husband would be able to attend, as they had travel plans. Not actual tickets or travel commitments or anything booked, mind you. Just that they vaguely planned to go to Ireland or some such in about the time period that I was thinking of getting married. "Let me see if I have this straight," I asked her. "You're not going to go to your only brother's wedding because it's inconvenient for you?" "Yes." "Fuck you." And I hung up on her, and didn't speak to her again for months. Pretty much the most any single person has ever offended me, and this was my sister. The same sister whose wedding I had made sure that, no matter what, I would be there for. The same sister for whose wedding I went into the store that they were registered, and rather buying a gift or two, wiped out an entire category. The same sister for whose wedding I wanted to give a toast, but was told I couldn't, since the best man was not giving one, and they didn't want him to feel bad. I not only went along with that, since it was her wedding, I also kept her mother-in-law occupied so she wouldn't bother anyone else, as she was somewhat nuts. This same sister had vague undefined travel plans for the time period I was thinking of getting married, but she had already decided that those plans were more important than making any effort to get to my wedding.

I am sure you can detect the anger and disdain and contempt in my words when it comes to this lovely woman that happens to share a few chromosomes with me. Think your niece might feel the same about you if you had decided to just blow off her wedding? I do.

[Eireann]

I have an idea that won't cost you anything but time.

There's a method called EFT, which consists of the person tapping on himself/herself at various points, while stating certain affirmation sentences. A guy named Brad Yates has several tapping videos on YouTube, and you can just tap along with him and repeat what he says. There are videos for various different life problems, and you can choose which ones you want to try.

[Jack T. Chance]

So, I had an okay time at the wedding. But over the last couple days, after reading & re-reading this thread, I've realized that I've already received enough advice from the posts so far, or at least enough that I feel like I know what I have to do. So Jester, thanks for the advice you've already given me in the thread, it's given me some good food for thought.

Eireann, I'll look at those Youtube videos when I get a chance, sounds like interesting stuff.

Question: Have any of you ever tried either yoga or meditation as a method for making positive changes in your life? I've always been interested in looking into those techniques, but I don't know anyone that's tried them.

[AnqeiicDemise]

So, I had an okay time at the wedding. But over the last couple days, after reading & re-reading this thread, I've realized that I've already received enough advice from the posts so far, or at least enough that I feel like I know what I have to do. So Jester, thanks for the advice you've already given me in the thread, it's given me some good food for thought.

Eireann, I'll look at those Youtube videos when I get a chance, sounds like interesting stuff.

Question: Have any of you ever tried either yoga or meditation as a method for making positive changes in your life? I've always been interested in looking into those techniques, but I don't know anyone that's tried them.

I am a mercurial beast. My emotions flare up and die down rather quickly and if I'm not careful, these emotions take complete and utter control of me.

I can't do yoga. I'm not fit enough and with my endowment, I'd choke myself in some positions (And yes, I do speak from experience. I got stuck once and..well.. I was smothering myself. XD).

Since I met hubby, he's gotten me into doing some meditating. It helps a lot, though I have a hard time doing his method. He likes to sit and clear his mind... mine just wonders endlessly.

So I paint. I paint nothing in particular and it isn't very pretty but it helps. I just pop in an instrumental cd on the compy or zune and paint away. I like to let my mind wonder with the swirls of the paint brush and that works wonders.

[Evil Queen]

Hi Jack. We don't talk very often but I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Personally, I never found Yoga to be helpful for me but it is for a lot of posters here. I've preferred going out and climbing one of the nearby mountains or going to the canyon and free-climbing there. It allows you to concentrate and once you get to the top, you tend to feel like you've accomplished something. Enjoy the view and take a sandwich because climbing is hard work.

Meditation worked for a little while but after that, I couldn't get the peace. So when I'm upset I just drive around town for a little bit, take roads I've never been down, basically go sight seeing in my own town.

I'm having a pretty rough go of things myself; I've neglected some friends and others are starting to ignore me, my dating life is in the toilet and I'm afraid I'll be looking for another roommate soon.
We won't get started on my parents.
Have a hug. We all could use one right about now. *hugs*

[Jester]

Jester, thanks for the advice you've already given me in the thread, it's given me some good food for thought.

Glad you went to the wedding. Even gladder you somewhat enjoyed yourself. And that much gladder that something this silly jester said may have helped.

Feel free to pester my PM box any time if you feel the need.

[Cat]

Personally, I never found Yoga to be helpful for me but it is for a lot of posters here. I've preferred going out and climbing one of the nearby mountains or going to the canyon and free-climbing there. It allows you to concentrate and once you get to the top, you tend to feel like you've accomplished something. Enjoy the view and take a sandwich because climbing is hard work.

Just logged on to second this statement. I've found nothing more healing than climbing/hiking. And def take the sandwich

[AnqeiicDemise]

Just logged on to second this statement. I've found nothing more healing than climbing/hiking. And def take the sandwich

And if you're not physically able to do either of these things 'cause you're out of shape like me... you can always drive to a secluded area. I used to go off to the Santa Anita mountains and pull off at random turn out and just relax and watch the city light up at night.

The local rangers didn't mind as long as I wasn't drinking, smoking or going over the railing.

[JoitheArtist]

Anything that can completely occupy your mind for a little while is good, really. I frequently do something artistic to that end: drawing, painting, spinning wool, etc. It's a good idea to pick something hard enough that you have to devote your attention to it, but simple enough that you don't really have to think about anything while you're doing it.