Feeling overwhelmed

[Eisa]

Mishi: Hmm. Probably. Fucking inner self. And 'cause I never really truly deal with things. Alas.

We haven't done it yet. She keeps ending up with other stuff to do or she sleeps all day. Which I am ok with, but then she gets pissy about it, which isn't so great. Yeah, holidays and birthdays, man...I always seem to get really sick on my birthday. And my birthday was always during Finals Week in college, which sucked.

Yay for not yelling!

[Mishi]

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!"

Maybe because you're used to other people kicking you while you're down, so your inner-self thinks that it's normal and plays up? That's my best guess as to why it happens to me.

How did the apartment search go? Yeah, something bad always seems to happen on the holidays and birthdays. I still don't know if my mother is going to be going to my Aunty's place for dinner on Christmas! I'm just a wee bit anxious about that.
Going to PM you now, and it's not to yell at you, I promise. *hugs*

[Eisa]

Thank you, Der Cute. Yes, it is a bit odd to say "yay anxiety!" but whatever works, right?

Ooh, thank you. I think I could do that. Especially because 4 is an even number and that appeals to the OCD in me. I very much want to try doing this. Also doing the other thing, the stop thing. It keeps having to be very short increments of time, but that's ok, right?

Also, er...yeah, sorry, I have this anxiety thing around private messages, it seems. I become CONVINCED they're to yell at me and that I did something wrong. Even when it is clearly obvious that is not the case.

So how is it as soon as you become overwhelmed with one thing, your coping mechanisms decide to shut down and everything you THOUGHT you had dealt with years ago decides to pop up and tell you "hai! yeah, you didn't actually get rid of us, you just sorta suppressed/ignored us! good luck!" Just...fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Not fair.

Maybe I should watch a movie tonight. Like a Disney movie or something, not a creepy, scary one. Then again, some Disney movies scare me.

And I know this is getting so bad because of the holidays, too. I HATE the holidays. They can go fuck themselves, they have never ever been good. Ever.

[Der Cute]

Eisa:
I'm glad to see that you've identified some of the stuff going on in your head. I know, sad for me to say "yay anxiety".

Here is an anxiety technique I use, called Square Breathing.
Sit down, upright, feet on floor - as comfy as possible. No stiffness, just upright. Close eyes.
Inhale with DEEP breath, extending your stomach kind.
When inhaling, count to four. In in in in in (to four)
HOLD FOR FOUR SECONDS
Exhale for four. Out out out out.

Do this for four times.
Do your best to ignore any thoughts running through your head. Concentrate on the breathing. Even if a thought pops in, that's fine. Just breathe. (gradually you'll get better and be able to have a blank brain). It's all in the practice.
If you do this, please, try to do it with no distractions. Like if you're feeling squirrely, step away from the puter. Do your best to physically change circumstances.
And if not? Fine fine. Breathing.
I will say this is difficult because you have to be on top of yourself to catch the anxiety/feelings.
Or, well, you COULD do this when you're going to bed. I do it sometimes when my dad's badgering me on the phone. It may sound funny LOL, but it DOES help.
I use this when anxious in a situation (I can cheat a bit with positions, but it's ok), or finding myself being tense.

This skill is another of the DBT batch. Emotional Regulation category. I know you've got shit rolling this week, so could you implement this? Or part of your schedule/routine. Like in a shower or when you're in the bathroom.

Not required, but it does work for me often. Not all work for everyone. There have been techniques that I've learned that don't do diddly, and I've ditched 'em.

[Eisa]

Barbershop music made me feel better last night/today. Er...female barbershop music, that is. I like singing along with the tenor. (Which would be akin to first soprano, but not the melody.) Like this especially. "We Go Together" I have, at various points, sung all 4 parts. Baritone's hard as fuck.

Probably have to go out later with my aunt apartment-hunting. Which is clearly why I'm still awake and planning to do all this on...what, 3 hours of sleep? I'm so special.

Still feel very shaky, anxious, scared, and unsafe this morning. Which is not conducive to merrily falling asleep.

[Eisa]

Mishi: Thank you. And not living here, I think...'cause I have to act in particular ways, or it's worse. -sighs-


lordlundar: Thank you. I...know that. Somewhere inside my head.


dragon_wings: And you are a kick-ass friend yourself.

It's...hard. Almost anyone I've been close to hurts me. Like it's inevitable. I just kind of sit back and wait for it, to be honest, I really don't trust very many people at all, and now I don't trust anyone completely.

It would help X a billion if I could get away from her. It's just the getting out of here part. All my family's abusive, and I have no friends here I could move in with. I have acquaintances, yes, but no one I'd even be willing to ask...closest person already has three kids and lives in student housing, so she's a definite no. Also haven't talked to her in months, so...awkwardsauce. I think I maybe could get a job, but I can't keep one and live here, because my mental state is so all over the place and awful. Gotta get there somehow, though. Just...have no idea how.



And not that I put all that much personal stuff on Facebook, but my dad has now joined. And my mom wants to. Great. Hello stricter privacy settings.

Song of the moment to be re-listened to a million times: "Welcome to the Family"

At least my migraine's mostly gone.

[dragon_wings]

No. Simple as that. You do not deserved to be abused, no one does. Do not tell yourself any different.

QFT. I was abused for so long by my ex. My sister was the one that finally helped me see it. And it was bad. But I didn't deserve it but I thought (at the time) I did. It's all a part of the abuse. You become conditioned to believe you deserve it.
You deserve happiness. And to not be abused. ((hugs)) You can over come it. If you can get away from your aunt it could very well help lift your depression even a little. Getting out of my ex's place helped a lot. As did my bf and my sis (whose home I moved into for a while).

[lordlundar]

Orrrrr I just deserve it.

No. Simple as that. You do not deserved to be abused, no one does. Do not tell yourself any different.

[dragon_wings]

((hugs Eisa)) You are awesome. And a totally kick ass friend. ^_^

[Mishi]

You don't deserve it, that's just a lie she and a lot of other people have told you.
*Hugs* If I could wipe away the victim light for you I would, but that's something that only you and time can fix.

[Eisa]

Yes, exactly! I want the pain to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want the constant thinking about everything to stop. I want to stop having a blinking "victim" light on my forehead, which I keep thinking is gone, and then it seems like it's not gone. I want to stop being so anxious. I want people to stop being such douches, it does not help when someone you trust keeps telling you that no, the rest of the world is not like your family, and you venture out...and meet utter asshats. Although I think that might be helped by moving out of this state. I'd really like if I could reverse time and not find out exactly how emotionally abusive my aunt is and the sucky part is, I don't think she even realizes she's doing it. Orrrrr I just deserve it.

Also migraines BLOW. I just feel the need to complain about that. I could not sleep today, and every time I finally managed to go to sleep, my aunt would come wake me up again for something. So fucking tired right now.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Also really like how a friend phrased her feelings lately. She doesn't really fancy living, but it's not like OMG MUST DIE, it's just...apathetic. I think that's really how I feel. Just...I don't particularly fancy living, but I'm not really in a rush to end it all or anything. I don't know. Just...want out, but out of what, I'm not sure.

If the two of you are anything like me, you want out of the pain, the loneliness, the sadness, and the monotony. You know life can be so much better but are stuck in trying to figure out how to get there. Hopefully, one day we all will.

[Eisa]

Der Cute: Oooh, I found that before to help with my breathing! I shall apply myself more assiduously. Got lost in all the emotions stuff because my emotions are whack. Especially like...what I feel doesn't match what I show. 'Cause emotions just confuse the hell out of me.

That sounds like me in individual therapy. XD I'd only talk cuz they'd make me talk, and then only about school-related things 'cause I couldn't say the other things. And the worst part was when I'd write stuff down that was really important, and one guy in particular just...ignored it. Hopefully that doesn't ever happen again because if it does, I'm finding a new therapist. It's hard enough to talk as it is, via the written word or whatever else.

Mine's a couple hours as of now. I just...getting too anxious about anything, so yeah. Couple hours! Thank you. :3



Mishi: Yeah, exactly. She was committed before. That wouldn't work well now with her bf having to take care of TWO kids, and one a newborn. Not to mention how much it just sucks in general.

Hello Kitty guitars are awesome.




Today was massively, massively overwhelming in so many ways, I cannot even count them, except that I almost burst into tears and bludgeoned myself with a cucumber to knock myself out. Except that we don't have any cucumbers, so that would have been really difficult. Too much. Just...I don't feel important enough to ever ask for help until I've helped everyone around me, and that overwhelms me because then I feel all my problems AND theirs, and HAVE to fix theirs, and fuck mine, they aren't that big a deal, I can handle mine and if I can't, I'm stupid and lazy, and...well, you see how it becomes overwhelming.

Also really like how a friend phrased her feelings lately. She doesn't really fancy living, but it's not like OMG MUST DIE, it's just...apathetic. I think that's really how I feel. Just...I don't particularly fancy living, but I'm not really in a rush to end it all or anything. I don't know. Just...want out, but out of what, I'm not sure.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Here try this stuff:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html

Thanks for sharing that. I've bookmarked it.

[dalesys]

Dammit Dalesys, Jazzy loves that 'Hello Kitty' guitar! She's currently watching Transformers 'Day of the Machines'.

I got talking with some friends about all the great concerts we saw 67-72, and I decided that if I could go back and make an audio/video recording of one and only one show to post on youtube it would be...
Not Jimi Hendrix... or Eric Burdon... or Spirit... or (about 50 other great bands)...

It would be Fanny, the band fronted by those sisters.