Very Complicated Situation.

[EricKei]

O_O

By any chance, might your fiance or his Mom own a small, pocket digital or tape data recorder? Having such a thing in Record mode any time they are around his Dad or NewPartner, either live or on the phone (if legally permitted), might be a good idea. If NP's threats had been caught that way, it could go a long way towards proving any theoretical case against her.

[Amina516]

I just caught up...wow.

Jester, as usual your advice was blunt and spot on.

Miss Stress, your last update does sound like an improvement. I wish you and fiance the best. Stick to your guns.

[Jester]

A message to Dad and Harpy: Fuck you both.

That is all.

[tropicsgoddess]

Serves the father and that bitch right! I'm glad your fiance got outta that toxic dump and didn't tell father and the bitch where he was. It's just the beginning, but it'll get better.

[Rapscallion]

Well, they know he's gone! They came back on Sunday, found his note explaining why he left and his dad called him up and started shouting at him for leaving and demanding to know where he was. My fiance wouldn't tell him and his dad cut the call off. Then he went to the doctor's on Monday and was put on anti-depressants because of all this. Joy.

So, effectively it was, "How dare you not be here to be a punching bag? Why aren't you coming back?"

That's a whole new level of lacking awareness.

Wanker.

Rapscallion

[Lachrymose]

Joy.

It should be. At least the beginning of it.

Seriously.

[Kiwi]

Miss Stress I know your last post might sound like a bad thing, but it's actually an improvement in my mind. Your fiancee stood up to his father and didn't give away his location so he showed his father he has a backbone and won't be trampled.
The anti depressants will help to steady his moods so he is better able to cope with what is happening. It's the first "good" update so far.
Stay strong. Im sorry this is happening.

[Miss_Stress]

Well, they know he's gone! They came back on Sunday, found his note explaining why he left and his dad called him up and started shouting at him for leaving and demanding to know where he was. My fiance wouldn't tell him and his dad cut the call off. Then he went to the doctor's on Monday and was put on anti-depressants because of all this. Joy.

[Laund-o-rama Mama]

6. Dad will now deal with Fiance on Fiance's terms only. And if he doesn't like it, there's not a damn thing he can do about it. He is no longer in control. He is no longer calling the shots. That chapter has closed...permanently.

THIS is the most important thing. I still have contact with some toxic relatives myself, but I am an adult living on my own and I will NOT tolerate their crap. The second they try their usual shit in front of me is the second I leave. I am no longer trapped, having to endure their abuse. And I refuse to feel guilty about setting boundaries like an adult.

That's where a lot of classic co-dependents embroiled in abuse get tripped up: they let the toxic person make them feel guilty for daring to set healthy boundaries. As long as Fiance doesn't fall for any of these tactics, he's golden.

In my experience, no matter how many crocodile tears the Toxics shed and no matter how many "selfish!"s they throw at you, if you stick to your boundaries, most of them start to behave around you. It may take years, but it happens. And the minority who don't are the candidates for cutting out of your life.

[Jester]

Sarah, thank you. If your fiance or you ever need advice, or just want to talk things out, just let me know. I am pretty damn accessible. (Single life does that to you. )

[Miss_Stress]

Sarah, don't apologise, I asked for advice and you offered it, so thank you

Jester, wise words as ever! My fiance has read your posts to this thread and has asked me to thank you for your advice. We won't be telling his father where he is because as you said, it will do no good.

[Zellie Crescent]

Right, sorry about that. I kinda overreacted by saying that.

[Jester]

As I said, it can be debated whether or not he should write of his father completely. Personally I think it's too soon, but there are going to be people who simply say, "Fuck it." But that is a decision for Fiance to make, when he is ready. And it's his decision to make.

That being said, I think it is practical and pragmatic considering the recent history of the situation that, at least for the time being, Dad is made aware that 1. Fiance is out of the house, 2. Fiance is not coming back to the house, 3. Fiance is still in touch with Dad, 4. Fiance is pissed off about how everything happened, and why, 5. Dad will not know where Fiance is, and finally, 6. Dad will now deal with Fiance on Fiance's terms only. And if he doesn't like it, there's not a damn thing he can do about it. He is no longer in control. He is no longer calling the shots. That chapter has closed...permanently.

[Miss_Stress]

Jester, I'm encouraging my fiance to try and sustain a relationship with his father because at the end of the day his father will always be his flesh and blood. The question is how long that @#!*? (I dare not say what I would really like to call her) will allow it for. If his dad will give up his son for her, then he isn't worth the effort.

[Jester]

Sarah, it's easy enough to say that Fiance should get them out of his life completely, but there are many reasons that Fiance may want to stay in touch with his father, and frankly, I can't blame him. But with the current situation being what it is, I think not having Dad and Harpy know where Fiance is is prudent, and is not asking Fiance to make such a weighty decision as disowning a parent would be.