Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[catcul]

If I ask for a server to be turned on, acceptable requests would be, "Please turned it on," "Please power it on," or, "Please bring it online."

I am not allowed to say, "Hey, Dave. Crank that mother fucker up."

[catcul]

If my coworker makes a joke about my vampire mask, I'm not allowed to say, "I don't need your neck to suck you off."

[catcul]

If I offer a certain kind of candy to my coworkers, I'm not allowed to say, "Go ahead and suck on my balls."

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to visit a bank branch with a face shield on.

That aged like fine milk.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to do “arts and crafts” with the box the new flyers come in. I am especially not allowed to make a spongebob design on said box and wear it around the store. It’s a very long kinda rectangular box.

I am not allowed to do above with a “shocked spongebob” or a “crying spongebob” and then wear it in front of the crab tanks. Nor am I to get my coworkers to take a picture of me doing so while pointing at the crabs and titling it with any reference to Mr. Crabs or his future dismemberment. Or to “swallowing him whole”.

I am not allowed to make a Patrick box and rope a coworker into doing any of the above with me.


I am not allowed to wear big googly eyes on my glasses covering my real eyes. No matter how entertaining everyone finds it.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Safety slogans recited at shift change meetings must no longer make reference to death, dismemberment, disfiguration, or flatulence.

Sure, ruin my fun.

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to visit a bank branch with a face shield on.

[LadyofArc]

Dressing up in scrubs does not count as a Halloween costume

[Nunavut Pants]

B... a previous Christmas Champaign ...

Wait, you previously celebrated the winter solstice in a good sized city in Illinois?

[AkaiKitsune]

I'm not allowed to grab people by the back of the head and yell, "WHAT THE F DOES THE FEN SIGN SAY, AHOLE?!?!"

Which could also be reworded to “I must not actualize my fantasies on staff or customers.” To be fair upper management doesn’t have the brain cells to spare and you can’t harm what isn’t there in the customers.

[AkaiKitsune]

Tell people "have a nice day," not "enjoy your next 24 hours."

But doesn’t “have a nice DAY” imply that you hope they get what they deserve come nightfall? So doesn’t that fit customer service much better?

The grinch is not the Christmas mascot. I am not allowed to use the old cutouts from a previous Christmas Champaign to make it look like the grinch is peeping into anywhere. No adding a Santa hat does not excuse the grinch left in the bathroom.

I am not allowed to put the elf on a shelf in positions that “compromise store integrity” even if they are only in places the staff go and everyone else thinks it’s funny.

[catcul]

How about Office Krupke?

It's better than calling him Barney Fife.

[YamiNoHime]

Despite the fact that he collects naughty people using steel restraints, I'm not allowed to call a member of law enforcement "Officer Krampus."

How about Office Krupke?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Tell people "have a nice day," not "enjoy your next 24 hours."

[catcul]

Despite the fact that he collects naughty people using steel restraints, I'm not allowed to call a member of law enforcement "Officer Krampus."