Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Kit-Ginevra]

I may not line up the cute store girls at the mall in cup size order and get them to sing A-you're adorable...

[catcul]

If there is a failure at a certain branch, I am not allowed to call it Merkle's Boner.

[wolfie]

Since it is free to enter Maryland from Virginia via US 301, but it's $6 to enter Virginia from Maryland, I am not allowed to make jokes about how desperate Maryland is to keep people in.

Some years back, I heard someone on the CB expressing a theory as to why there were tolls to go from NJ to PA but not the other way - NJ is such a hellhole that if they charged to get in, nobody would go. I regret not answering him with the comment that it's a perfect explanation for why both the Peace Bridge and the Queenston/Lewiston bridge only charge a toll going into Canada, with the crossing into the U.S. being free.

[catcul]

If it turns out to be terrible, I am not allowed to point out the irony of the name, "Nice Bridge."

Since it is free to enter Maryland from Virginia via US 301, but it's $6 to enter Virginia from Maryland, I am not allowed to make jokes about how desperate Maryland is to keep people in.

I am not allowed to make jokes about "entering Virginia" or "entering Maryland."

[purple]

Not allowed to set the phone to do not disturb so I can nap/play games all night.

[Mr. Security]

No matter how much I want to I'm not allowed to tackle and hog tie the barred gang-banger teenagers who continuously come in despite their barring and yell and swear at me and claim that I can't do anything to them

[WishfulSpirit]

I made a list of these out of sheer boredom when I was a lifeguard many eons ago. Here are some I still remember:

Not allowed to refuse to surrender my rescue tube at the end of the shift
Not allowed to curl up on the floor and cry when I hear we have a daycare group coming in
Not allowed to take the announcement megaphone and say "DIVE, DIVE" (think Submarine commands) to the people on the diving board (even though one of my coworkers actually did once)
Not allowed to use the backboard as a surfboard
My title is Lifeguard, Not Lady of the Whistle, She Who Must Be Obeyed

[registerrodeo]

I am not allowed to yell 'Not It" over the radio when called to clean up a nasty mess in a bathroom

[catcul]

If I find a huge patch of pollen in the parking lot, I am not allowed to call it "tree spunk," "tree spooge," "tree cum," "tree semen," or "tree masturbation."

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to lip synch songs like Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

It would be very awkward to mouth to a stranger, "I want to fk you like an animal."

There's a clip of santino rice (from project runway and drag race) reciting lines from that song in an almost perfect impression of tim gunn. (very "posh" voice)

[catcul]

I am not allowed to lip synch songs like Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

It would be very awkward to mouth to a stranger, "I want to fk you like an animal."

[wolfie]

I'm not allowed to say that today is March 32.

Happy April Fools Day.

Then tell people it's March 20 (hexadecimal).

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to say that today is March 32.

Happy April Fools Day.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Not allowed to build a fortress out of the plastic beer pallets and hide in them from the Inventory crew that's due in Thursday morning.

And I guess duct-taping the AM's mouth, knocking him out cold and and stashing his body in the dumpster right outside my door wouldn't work either - especially since the store manager comes out there to smoke.

[fireheart]

I am no longer allowed to have my coworker's caramel latte sachets (I had 2 of them and wound up a little high from it...)