Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[LadyofArc]

When running through a hospital, the phrase "I see the light at the end of the tunnel," should not be used - even if you can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

ETA: This is actually work-related funnily enough. My manager and I had to run a document over to a building in the hospital and got lost.

[AkaiKitsune]

1) I am not allowed to fire anyone. Particularly customers.

2) I am not allowed to post a description of the chaos theory on the management practices board in the staff room.

3) I am not allowed to pick the locks to the smokes cupboard because someone took the key home with them.

4) I am not allowed to use 'alternative means of logging in' if those means are technically illegal and involve hacking.

5) I am not allowed to change the store music.

6) I cannot tie new employees to a chair with duct tape as training. Even though I was asked how to deal with annoying customers.

7) I am not allowed to be the broker of an underground buying and selling of shifts for myself or others. Even if the management doesn't remember any of our names and can't recognize half of us.

8) I am not allowed to refer to Head Office as the stormtrooper base.

9) I am not allowed to change the names in mass emails sent to HO so that instead of the name or email of the person they are called 'stormtrooper 1', 'stormtrooper 2', 'stormtrooper 3', 'jar jar binks' (accountant), 'Darth Vader' (chain owner), etc. Justifing it by explaining how useless and incompetent HO is does not help my case.

10) In fact I'm not allowed to use Star Wars references at all anymore.

11) I am not allowed to speak in foreign languages. Even if the customer doesn't speak English and I know enough of their language to get by.

12) I am not the patron saint of Michief... No matter what my dept. manager thinks.

13) The two drink limit at company parties does not mean first and last. It also doesn't mean two kinds of drinks.

14) Sitting in the First Aid room hooked up to IV fluids is not the way to deal with my hangover.

15) The barn cat cannot tell me when it's break time. And if it does, there's meds for that nowadays.

16) I am not allowed to 'borrow' the school riding horses to get the most realistic costume for the four horseman of the apocalypse.

17) I am not allowed to prey on the superstitions of others.

18) I am not allowed to fill an old prescription bottle with 'chill pills' (tic tacs) and label it as such.

19) I am not allowed to suggest leap year dates for any important annual meetings.

20) When writing terms and conditions contracts I'm not allowed to put ridiculous things in there 'even though nobody ever reads that shit anyway.'

21) If I am told to wear my uniform to work it means the company uniform. Not the military dress uniform I'm pretty sure I never actually wore for the very brief time I was a desk jockey. Nobody cares how bright and shiny my boots are.

22) I am not allowed to play Janga with the empty cardboard boxes even if they are shaped like Janga pieces.

22) I am not allowed to draw a life size 3CPO and R2D2 on the door of the server room. Even if it's full of ancient tech, the overhead lights haven't worked in years and most of the room is taken up by blinky light boxes possessed by the souls of problem customers. (What did you think we ran our outdated system on? Electricity?)

23) A rope attached to the weird hook thingy in the ceiling is not a supstitute for a ladder and I must not 'shimmy up it like a monkey'.

24) I am not an animal and cannot make monkey noises. Even though I was called one.

25) I am to use a solid line to break up the notes for different dept. not a series of lines and dots. Particularly since one clever monkey figured out that I was using the written form of morse code. They did not appreciate my side comments.

27) I am not allowed to build a fort out of hay bales to avoid customers.

28) I cannot call in dead on Monday's because I used up all my sick days and I stayed up to late marathon watching a series. Particularly if I don't actually work that day.

29) I am not allowed to leave those mechanical motion sensor mice, or those squishy mice from Halloween, in the Manager's desk drawer. This is not the way to communicate that we have a mouse problem in the store again.

[LadyofArc]

Singing Galavant songs at work is a no-no.

ESPECIALLY the one song that is dirty enough when put into context, but is even WORSE out of context. And was also cut for being too dirty.

[Ghel]

I am not allowed to ask the reason behind a policy or procedure.
I am not allowed to take the initiative to streamline paperwork or reduce the amount of paper used.
I am not allowed to think for myself. I am merely a cog in the machine.
I am not allowed to make value judgments regarding policies or procedures. I will be told I have an "attitude."
It is more important to get a customer off the past due list than it is to require the customer to get insurance for his collateral.

[Nunavut Pants]

Apparently I'm not allowed to work...

(Sorry, frustration is getting to me.)

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to enter a restaurant that is currently under construction.

[Food Lady]

I'm not allowed to take more than 5 minutes to solve a complicated billing problem. God forbid we should keep the customer from having to call in and wait on hold again.

[Teysa]

Go for it, Irv. What are they going to do? Fire you?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Next time I'm in the swamp and I see a bunch of items with single letters on them, I won't rearrange them to spell SEND NUDES or HARAMBE.

Maybe.

[catcul]

I'm not allowed to test the strength of a window on the 30th floor by bouncing off of it.

I have no intention of breaking the rule or window.

[Teysa]

I am not allowed to hold the kitchen gadgets I like for ransom.

[Teysa]

I am not allowed to take a frying pan outside and try to catch some salmon.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Take the Flatmate foam stuff and totally have a foam party in the kiosk!

[dalesys]

Not allowed to suggest marshmallow fights when asked what I think we should do with all the stock we have that isn't selling.

"Even if we don't light them on fire?"

[Dreamstalker]

Not allowed to suggest marshmallow fights when asked what I think we should do with all the stock we have that isn't selling.