Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[catcul]

When I offer to put the server box in a coworker's back seat, I'm not allowed to ask him, "Are you putting my package in your rear?"

[AkaiKitsune]

I must not put googly eyes on the amaryllis that have already bloomed. Even if that’s the only way they will get sold now

[Buzzard]

I'm thinking that there's a business opportunity going unused here: As an employee, these things get one canned. Now if a "customer" or "some guy on the street" or "I though he was the contractor you called in, Boss!" were to do some of the 'projects'... well, the employee isn't on the firing line, now is (s)he?

A modest passing of the hat could do wonders for the "customer"'s wallet, I'm thinking.

[catcul]

AkaiKitsune, your employer is no fun at all.

I'm not allowed to ask AkaiKitsune for pictures while on the clock, either.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to imbed glowing red eyes into the elf on a shelf doll and leave him in strange places... particularly if they are dark strange places.

I am not allowed to use my sewing skills to create a pleather version of the elf on a shelf’s outfit. Nor am I allowed to dress it up in said outfit.

Just because we are allowed to wear whatever we want for a decorating shift does not imply that I can show up in a red corset and black leather. Yes I look hot and it does wonders for my ass, but two employees have already tripped over displays they didn’t see while distracted and that’s not even mentioning the amount of customers.

I am not allowed to accept phone numbers from customers unless it’s related to business. I am not allowed to accept numbers if I claim I’m thinking about opening my own ‘business’ and it might prove helpful.

I am not allowed to pimp my fellow employees out.

I can not accept payment in the form of booze or sexual favours even if they’re really really good looking.

When an employee mentions how her book was ruined by the author adding a love triangle I am not allowed to mention “There’s a solution to that problem. It’s called a threesome.” Even if it’s true.

[catcul]

When I tell a coworker he needs to come by and pick up a server, I'm not allowed to say, "Come here and grab my package."

[LadyofArc]

IN and OF?
I want that title on my name tag.

This came about as a result of the incidents mentioned here. She was basically playing security guard. The instructors also do a show once a month which mixes pole, lyra and burlesque with a more "kinky" theme (so there's a LOT of leather, use of riding crops and there's one or two acts involving the corde lisse/spanish web [basically a rope you do poses and that off of]).

And a new one from said studio:

I am not allowed to suggest the Baby Shark Ab Challenge for warmup.
Nor am I allowed to suggest the Nutbush plank challenge.

[Rosco the Iroc]

- Not allowed to refer to the instructor in fetish gear as "Chief Spanker of Naughty Folks."

IN and OF?
I want that title on my name tag.

[catcul]

I am not allowed to ask LadyofArc for a video while on the job.

[LadyofArc]

Few from the studio I do lyra at:

- The hoops are not "Naked" without their tapes.

- The poles are not sticky "For her pleasure." (Actual reason is grip-related)

- Not allowed to go commando underneath stockings.

- Not allowed to refer to the instructor in fetish gear as "Chief Spanker of Naughty Folks."

I am however, allowed to hoot and holler at the burlesque ladies whenever they're actually performing

[RealUnimportant]

I am not allowed to ...

Bravo! Bravo! *throws flowers*

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to get the entire staff to dress up as zombies.
I am not allowed to to say that this is what happens if you die on the property at any time in October. And no, just because the First Aid incidents are down from previous years does not mean “it’s working!”
I am not allowed to mention the store Necromancer.
I am not allowed to change all our names to Front End zombie 1, Front End zombie 2, grocery zombie, etc.
I am especially not allowed to discretely change the store managers name tag to read Necromancer, Zombie Overseer, or Your Evil Overlord. Particularly since he always shows up smartly dressed and somehow happy to be here.
I can not have the Supervisors wear Zombie Herder nametags.
I cannot give the First Aid attendants Zombie Cleanup Crew or Student Necromancer nametags. Even if they’re willing. ESPECIALLY if they are willing.

I can not add anything you can scan/take a picture of with your phone, to the nametags, particularly if it links to a website or app giving the employed zombie’s real name with some random fake facts. The grocery clerks are not “high school drop-deads who are working here to pay for their cosmetic surgery in order to get a girl before certain part rot off”. The produce department are not stocked with “malnourished zombies so please be nice. They’re messy eaters.” No matter that it boosted our sales by almost 10x the amount of previous years once word got out.
I am not allowed to add mini-games or a storyline. Even if the employees agree to play along.

I can not under any circumstances having access to helium.

I cannot hold funeral services in the store.
Even if it’s Halloween themed and obviously a joke.
Not even if I brought my own coffin.
Particularly if it’s labled “Store Moral”, “My Ambition”, “Hopes and Dreams”, “Head Office Moral Code”.

I cannot come to work dressed up as a zombie if my nametags reads any of the above.

I am not allowed to wear a pumpkin on my head, sit between two tables with a covering on all sides and on top to make it look like an innocent pumpkin is sitting there. Particularly if there ARE innocent pumpkins sitting there. People don’t like their pumpkins to talk to them. Or offer commentary on their pumpkin selection. “You want Fred? Well, just warning you he’s rotting to the core.” Is not the approved method of helping customers to select pumpkins even if it’s hilarious to see the bewildered expressions.

I am not allowed have philosophical debates while masquerading as an innocent pumpkin.

I am not allowed to draw bats on the ceiling even if it is Halloween and the ceiling is covered in plastic due to roof repairs.

I cannot use a hair dryer, crap I found laying about, and a morbid sense of humour to make an illusion of a giant face on the ceiling that is struggling to rip through the plastic to eat people. Even if the customers think it’s awesome and I made a charity bin for it.

I cannot add fangs to the above, particularly if there’s a ceiling leak that’s causing a drip that I can take advantage of (even if it means moving the entire masterpiece.) Customers get dripped on (not that we can help that), they look up to see where it’s coming from, sometimes jump/scream/giggle uncontrollably.

[Buzzard]

Next time the boss comes in, "Disco Inferno" MUST be playing on the radio, loudly, with dancing.

[Rosco the Iroc]

They haven't noticed it yet- but this might soon be an "not allowed" Last summer the owner said we would have a disco ball before we had A/C. Had to prove him right

[Kit-Ginevra]

I am not allowed-however useful it would seem-to have a sign for our shop door saying 'Children are welcome.Dogs are welcome.The idiotic and the obnoxious can stay outside thank you.' Any complaints could easily be dealt with by asking which of our banned groups they consider themselves to be a member of...