Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[fireheart]

When carving a pumpkin up, I am not allowed to greet parents while wielding said pumpkin.
I am also not allowed to tell the parents that I am currently carving up anything OTHER than a pumpkin.
No cracking jokes about using said pumpkin as a kettlebell. (3kg)

When it comes time to publish the recipe for said soup in the newsletter, I am not allowed to suggest that parents use an entire 3kg pumpkin for making said soup (we used around 3kg to make enough soup to feed 30 kids (1.5kg of one pumpkin and 2 halves of a butternut). There was so much that both my boss and I took the soup home)

[rapana1]

Not allowed to attempt to strangle customers with a tape measure because they do not OWN a tape measure, so they can't possibly measure their window.

Especially not customers who come in three times over the course of a month, really wanting curtains, but being surprised every time that I still need measurements.

Not allowed to send those customers home with a tape measure in an, ahem, safe place.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

After cutting 10-second, 4-note fart in the mens room, do not emerge with a huge grin on your face and tell some little boy "Now that's how you do it!"

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I can't carry a crucifix to work (like Kolchak: the Night Stalker) to ward off the Ass Manager when he's coming to work sick (like today.)

[crazylegs]

I must not give a bollocking to the head of the local Hells Angels chapter...

[MelindaJoy77]

Apparently, I am not allowed to talk to or smile at my male co-workers, because the customers will think we're flirting and tell us to get a room. (Actually happened last week! And the customer YELLED it)

[Jay 2K Winger]

I am not allowed to write "There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots" as my status message in our instant message client.

[Ghel]

I'm not allowed to criticize the main branch's processes.
I'm not allowed to ask for a organizational chart so I can complain to a coworker's supervisor when they don't get back to me on something I requested.
I'm not allowed to follow up (or know who to follow up with) when faxes get left on someone's desk while they're gone for a week.

[Shangri-laschild]

I am not allowed to have a taser

I am not allowed to go on break if my ex boss shows up just because his lack of being able to fire me now will result in a lack of me having a filter on my rampage setting. Mostly because supervisor wants to get video of the resulting carnage.

Not allowed to take away the staff's key privileges and refuse to give them new ones just cause they are being exasperating.

Not allowed to have a rubber band gun even if I volunteer to cover for the officers.

Not allowed to forget to carry my big knife just in case.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When two co-workers are discussing whether or not to display canned cashews and peanuts on an endcap, do not interrupt their conversation to make a "deez nuts" joke.

Upon seeing a game of making words from the letters in "chewy delicious dots" on the back of a box of Dots candy, do not announce that the first word you came up with is "dildo."

The box said you could only use each letter once.

OBJECTION! I used the "d" in delicious and the "d" in dots. So I used those letters only once. So .

[Seanette]

I'm not allowed to play with stomp rockets...but balloon volleyball in between calls is apparently fine.

Did that once in a call center during a slow period (about six or eight participants). Supervisor didn't care as long as calls were answered promptly. About my only pleasant memory of that job.

[Teysa]

I am not allowed to throw the turkey meat off the train when it doesn't pull apart easily.
I am not allowed to drink the mini bottles of liquor and say they spilled.
I am not allowed to ask annoying passengers if they want to take a walk outside.

[purple]

I am not allowed to dress Steve the sheep for events (holidays, sport games ect) espically if it is in support of the team playing my bosses team.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to encourage my boss to use the Russian Elmo voice.
Or the Sinister Elmo voice.
He is not allowed to dress up as Magalor for work.
He is not allowed to do Sinister Elmo while dressed up as Magalor.

[Canadian In Maine]

When customers ask me what the new 'Ultimate Cinnamon Bun' is like I'm not allowed to tell them it's better than sex.

It is.